Welcome, 2017! January 1, 2017

Hello all! Today seems like an excellent day to begin re-organizing priorities and I want to make writing more a priority this year.  I haven’t posted to this blog in way too long- I think it’s been almost a year, if not more.  I’ve let technological challenges like not owning an actual computer get in my way. I’ve let blog entries that were begun and accidentally deleted derail my few feeble attempts at blogging. I’ve let the erroneous idea that I had nothing of value to say knock me off my track.  But no more.  I’m here, and once again, for what feels like the millionth time, I’m going to try to find, and continue to use, my voice.

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So it’s a new year!  Wow. The past year seemed to take on a life of its own, didn’t it??  By the end, some people were convinced the year 2016 was a sentient being, and a malevolent one at that- taking the lives of beloved celebrities one after the other.  I was really only touched by three, one of which I didn’t remember until I saw my Facebook memories, started out 2016 on this day last year- Wayne Rogers.  And then in a splash of irony, another M*A*S*H cast member died on the last day of 2016- William Christopher.  That one really made me sad.  M*A*S*H was my favorite show of all time, and the loss of any of those incredible actors is just …un-put-into-words-able.  It’s not like the loss of a celebrity is personally devastating, I mean come on.  We didn’t know them, not really.  And when they are mostly an old favorite and not someone we still see in the public eye on a regular basis, it’s really more of a nostalgia thing than any real and visible loss. Still, it’s a sad milestone. By the way, the other one was Prince, and I could write a whole new blog entry about the long bygone era when Prince was a big part of my life’s soundtrack.

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And speaking of things taking on a life of their own, how about that election, huh?  Despite being something that happens regularly every four years, that just felt unprecedented.  The rallies and the speeches and the personal tone this one took.  It seems to me that in the past, whom you supported in an election basically just indicated your opinion of the role of government. But now, wow! Knowing how someone voted takes on a level of illumination into their entire belief system, and it’s not pretty.  It doesn’t seem to me like knowing what political candidate you supported has ever before been such a cause to make judgments on your level of intelligence.  At least that’s how it is for me. Maybe I’ve just never paid that much attention before.  I do tend to live in my own little bubble and not notice what’s going on out there.  My 9th grade composition teacher, Mrs. H., once told me, in response to a journal writing prompt where she asked for opinions on a current event and I said I didn’t know and didn’t care,  “…you are simply going to have to become more aware of the world around you!”  I’m trying.  Really.  It’s only taken 30 years, but honestly I think most people prefer to live in ignorant bliss because World reality is often scary and depressing. For me, anyway.

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One thing I think fights off Scary and Depressing is having goals and plans and dreams.  In the absence of an active, well-defined belief in a ‘Higher Power’ I think what most people use to fight off the stress of being too informed about the goings-on in the world (yes, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing you could be) is just to have their wants and desires mapped out.  They know the answers to the questions, ‘Who are you, what is important to you, what do you want, and where do you want to be?”  Some of us spend our lives in the search for those answers and never feel like we have found them, some of us figure it out early and get started and never let up, and some of us change our answers over time, depending on the season of life we happen to be in at the moment.  I won’t tell you which of those people I am, but I think if you know me in real life, you can probably narrow it down. I’d really like to work toward finding more answers this year.  It feels like I’ve been just sort of treading water and surviving for a while now.

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So basically I’m going to give it a little more thought before I post one of those big, enthusiastic bullet point lists about my Goals and Dreams in the New Year.  I did notice I woke up very Manic today.  A quick glimpse at my Facebook memories made me realize I do that very often.  It seems pretty normal, you know?  It’s a New Day!  It’s a New Year!  Do ALL THE THINGS!  And that lasts about 24 hours.  So I think I’m going to try to keep an actual calendar journal, in which every day I write down the things that jump out at me as Must Do’s and the topics and thoughts that I have strong opinions on for future blog posts.  There are so many good ideas out there!  So many things to try.  We live in a world that includes Pinterest, y’all.  The ultimate mirror to hold up in front of ourselves and say “Do this, do it just like this, make it look Fabulous, or we’re going to mock you mercilessly for all eternity!” But honestly, I think there is worth. A lot of motivational and self-help ideas, tips, tricks.  One of the ones I think I am going to implement in my own life is meant to help you create a more positive outlook at the end of the year by writing down something positive every day (or week?) and putting it in a jar.  At the end of the year you read it all and get reminded what a great year it really was.  I think I need that. I have the perfect jar, too.  A few years ago, I took my kids on a really special vacation.  We had created a jar to save money in and decorated it with pictures.  That vacation had its good and bad moments, but it was the biggest thing I had ever done up to that point, and I think by using that jar to put my positives in, as well as money, I can remind myself that Big Things are still possible.  I struggle with remembering that there are still many adventures ahead of me.  I feel trapped and stuck a lot.  So I’m going to work on that.

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And with that I’m going to bring this post to a close.  I did wake up manic, after all, and there are things that need done around here that are literally screaming at me in my head:  Take the Christmas Tree Down!!  Clean up the mess from deciding what to wear from the party last night!! Get rid of a bunch of clothes! Clean the bathroom!  Eat something healthy!  Exercise!  Go clean up Mom’s yard!

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So you guys have a great year.  Make it awesome.  You don’t have to make it huge and mind-blowing and all-encompassing and un-toppable.  Just be like Jack on Titanic.  Make each day count. Love and blessings to all!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts On January 1, 2015 at 10:23 PM January 2, 2015

Who do I want to be in a year?  Where do I want to be?  There is no way to know, NO way to know, what the future will bring, but … but what?  I stopped that sentence and didn’t know what to say.  But odds are whatever the future brings will be survivable with the right attitude?

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What are my dreams?  What do I want to see come to pass in the next year?  I mean what do I REALLY want to see?  First, I want to see Daughter S. healthy and happy.  Whether she is working at a job or attending school or both.  I want her to take pride in her health and her life.  I want her to make an effort to be alive.  I’d like to see Daughter J. happy and safe.  If she is married to The Boyfriend, then so be it.  I want to see The Boy happy and continuing to do well in school.  I’d like to see him taking pride in his health and grooming.  I’d like to see him begin to formulate a dream or a plan for his life.  What does he want to do or be for a career, and how can he make sure it happens?

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And now, what do I want to see for me, for myself, come to pass in 2015?  Who do I want to be?  I want to be a person who cares more about people.  Not just who pretends to care, but who genuinely cares.  I want to be a person who smiles with enthusiasm at people going out as I am coming in, people on the elevator, people in line behind me.  I want to be real and honest.

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I want to find out how to live within my belief system.  What do I really believe?  Do those beliefs by definition necessitate a certain course of action vis. morality and religion?  Does belief in the existence of things define how I live my life, or just inform my life?

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I want to enjoy my gifts.  I want to enjoy my ability to sing, my love for theater, my talent at writing.  Maybe all in the same place, maybe not.  I want to exercise those gifts, strengthen them, hone them, develop them.  I want to start and finish a major writing project this year.  I want to be published in some printed media beyond blogging.

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I want to be a person who loves and accepts herself.  I want to look at myself in a mirror and see someone of value.  I want to love my body because of the things it allows me to do, not hate it because of the things it hinders me from doing.  I want to lose weight and get healthier and fit into the cute clothes I rescued from the garage.  I want to believe I am beautiful always.

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I want to identify other goals and dreams.  Where to I really want to be?  What do I want life to look like?  What will it take to accomplish that?

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I want to find a different job.  One that will pay well and allow me to accomplish my goals and dreams, but also one where I have a contributory value.  One where I am making a difference and being challenged.  I want to not be afraid of the fact that ONE of the possible careers I just described is Teacher.

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I want to enjoy every day, be present in the moment, and reject the negative.  I want to be a source of inspiration, encouragement, and strength for my friends and family.  I want my 2015 to have an overall theme of love and joy, strength and determination, growth and exploration.  I want to forge my path with purpose and yet be open to possibility.

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In short, I want to Live, with a  Capital L!

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Until next time,

D.

The Year Behind, The Year Ahead… December 31, 2013

Path (Photo credit: Guerito)

Hello all!  I have neglected my beloved blog for a couple of months now, and I do apologize.  I plan to do better with that in the future.  More on that shortly.  So!  It’s New Year’s Eve.  The Big One.  The last hoorah, as it were.  People everywhere are posting their year in review, and I am a total bandwagon-hopper, so here’s mine.  Enjoy!

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For starters, in 2013, nobody died.  Not in my family, at least.  Last year my father lost his mother and his baby sister in the same damn year.  It was pretty bad.  Thankfully this year, we have not lost any close family members.

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My weight loss efforts, on the other hand, suffered an untimely demise.  Well, maybe not entirely.  I have sort of continued to half-heartedly fight the battle of the bulge, but overall this year, I am up by 10 pounds since this time last year.

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Ah, the children.  Yes, of course.  From the beginning of this blog, my kiddos and their progress in life have been a continuing topic of discussion, and they are actually doing pretty well.  Daughter S. is taking college courses, and passing them, and although she is in a temporary lull with regard to having clarity on what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to do it, I think in general, she is in good shape.  Daughter J. is in a period of great growth and striving toward what she wants.  She has a job and a boyfriend and plans for her future.  Next on her list: she wants to learn to drive, and she wants to get married.  THAT particular goal of hers is going to require a lot of work and planning for her to be able to have independence, given her and her boyfriend’s developmental limitations.  Also a lot of therapy for ME, to be able to handle such an event.

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The Boy deserves his own paragraph.  After struggling his last few years in public school, we home-schooled last year, and this year we found him a small, private Christian school which uses a homeschool curriculum, and he seems to be growing and making progress and fitting in quite well.  He still has difficulties expressing himself appropriately when he gets really mad, (and he often gets mad for the most incomprehensible of reasons) but when it comes to the expression part, who doesn’t?!  Anyway.  His physical growth and changes in the past year are somewhat mind-blowing to me.  He has outgrown his sisters, his feet are bigger than mine, and I feel pretty certain by this time next year he will be taller than me as well.  NOT looking forward to that, I’ll just be honest.  He will be 13 in May.  For now I will just enjoy not having any teenagers in the house! (The girls turned 20 on November 29.)

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And where do we even begin with my own personal progress in 2013?  It has been a year of stretching my horizons and trying new things.  I took a solo vacation for the first time in my life, and traveled to Charleston, SC to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and it turned out AMAZING.  Even before that, though, I did the unthinkable.  I auditioned for community theater.  I got up on a stage and sang for a bunch of people I didn’t know, and just like the Charleston trip, it was an amazing thing for me.  I was cast in the Ardmore Little Theatre production of Les Miserables and made so many new friends.  It was literally a life-changing decision when I dug up from somewhere deep inside me the bravery to actually get up on that stage and try out. 

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If you have been reading me throughout this entire community theater journey, you will know that I also developed a major crush on someone from the theater, which followed me from June through December.  Unfortunately, the person about whom I was obsessing did not think I was special in the same way that I thought he was special.  Right about the time I got clear on that, he decided that one of my best friends was special in that way instead.  And after watching me pine for this person for six months, his sudden attention to her made her decide she thought he was special in that way, too.  That is one of the reasons I haven’t written much here lately.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this infatuation was a 15, so it has taken me some time to begin to heal from all of that.  But I am, finally.  I have had no other choice but to forgive, and my friend and I are still friends.  Possibly better friends than before.  At least, I hope so.

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Before all of this romantic drama happened, the theater journey continued with a leading role in a play that was making its world debut on our stage, which was something I NEVER thought I could do.  Wow.  I never thought I could act, and it turns out, I am not too bad at it.  It helps that the character I was playing was very close to my own personality, so I may not actually be as good an actress as I like to think, but we won’t dwell on that. 🙂   The journey is scheduled to continue as, a week from tonight, I audition for the next ALT production, Young Frankenstein.  I only hope for a chorus part in that one as well.

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To wind up the year, I have been conducting a personal test in the last week or two.  After all the drama with my friend and The Crush hit the fan, I deactivated my Facebook temporarily.  As you will know if you have read me much, Facebook was one of my major outlets, the primary way I connect with people, but I decided it was best if I take a break.  I had said I would probably reactivate it after the New Year, but we’ll see.

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This is getting long, so very briefly, my hopes for 2014:  just happiness.  Beyond that, I’m open.

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My GOALS, on the other hand, are a whole other story.  I want to renew my Weight Watchers efforts with enough dedication and determination that I will remain on the downward slide with regard to scale numbers, and be under 200lbs by this time next year.  I want to steal one of my little sister’s goals and make it a point to connect more with my family.  I want to start saving for my Long Dreamed Of Trip to Alaska for my 45th birthday (which isn’t until 2017!).  And finally, I might just write a book.  My poetry got a lot of attention in 2013, and I hope to draw on some connections I made from that, and maybe let it take me somewhere.

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Above all, I am going to TRY to live in the moment.  Wherever I am, I am going to be intensely focused on being there.  Enjoying where I am, what I am doing, and WHO I am with.  I am not going to be wishing I could be somewhere else or with someone else (read: a romantic relationship).  I am going to focus on trying to be myself, love myself, and perhaps in 2014, finally grow up.  The following are two quotes I want to try to live by in 2014:

If it’s not challenging you, it’s not changing you.

And

Life is a result of the choices you make.  If you don’t like your life, start making better choices.

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HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Until next time,

D.

Just Another Manic Friday November 30, 2012

Hello all!

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Y’all, I live in a state of emotional bungee jumping.  If you’ve been reading me longer than five minutes you know this, and today is one of those days.  Today is a day where my body feels like nothing so much as leashed power.  Like if you could stick the right electrodes on me I could power a small city.   Today is one of those days where I want to do things like go climb mountains with Sherpas.  Do meditative yoga at sunrise with a bunch of monks in a temple somewhere.  Kiss my soul mate at midnight on New Year’s Eve at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.  Make love on a bearskin rug in front of a blazing fire in a snowbound cabin in Alaska.

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It all started when I was awakened at about 3:30 this morning by the noise from the living room where one of the cats was attempting to violate a package of cookies the kids left in there.  I got up and took it away from her and put it in the fridge.  Then of course I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I just lay there and tossed and turned and flipped and flopped.  I killed a little time doing some exercises.  (Yes, you can exercise while lying in bed.)  I did some leg lifts and butt squeezes and crunch-ish things, some arm presses against the wall over my head.  Stuff like that.

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By the time I got bored with that, it was about to get light outside.  I decided it had been a while since I’d watched a sunrise, so I rolled over and pulled the curtain back from the window and started watching the darkness lighten.  There was only one star in my view and it was a great big bright one.  I decided I’d watch it continuously until it got so light I couldn’t see it anymore and see how long it took.  This was about 6:30.

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So I lay there and held the curtain back and just watched.  The light crept upward and the star I watched got smaller and dimmer.  A couple of times I took my eyes off it and thought it had gone, but then I’d find it again.  Finally, it just disappeared.  It was 7:18 a.m.  The sun still wasn’t actually up.  And I started thinking about how that star is still there, and when I go to bed again, if I look out the window, there it will be.  Some things are always there whether you see them (and acknowledge them) or not.

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So when I wrote all the above, I was flopped across my bed with Clairol #43 on my hair, scribbling furiously across the back of a transcript of something I printed out and brought home from work.  Now I am AT work, and today is what I might call Fashion Experiment Day.  I was in the mood to do something different, so I’m wearing a rather blindingly bright neon yellow A-line thing (it’s either an oversized shirt or a short dress) over white pants, with robin’s egg blue ballet flats.   Dabbling in color makes me happy.

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Yesterday was my twin daughters’ 19th birthday.  I wanted to do a long, mushy post about how amazing and wonderful and fabulous they are, but I got busy at work and didn’t get around to it.  But let me just say that they are two of the brightest spots in my universe, and I don’t know what I would do without them.  They represent all I ever wanted from the time I was in middle school:  to be a mom.  I understand now that there’s a lot more in the world to be experienced than just having babies, and if I could do it over again, I would probably go do some of that other stuff first, but make no mistake:  I would not trade those two amazing young women for all the baguettes in France or all the monks in Tibet.   Happy Birthday, my girls!

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Until next time,

D.

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The Times, They Are A-Changin’! (And So Am I!) February 25, 2011

Hello all.  I did something big this week.  I could tell you the backstory of how I’ve said many times that I do not enjoy moving.  Not packing all my belongings in boxes and trucking them across country.  Exercising.  I have never been a mover and a shaker.  I would rather be lying down reading a book or kicked back in a reclining chair with a computer on my lap than almost anything else in the world.  I have been obese almost all my life, but I have a sister who is now a certified fitness instructor!  She goes to a local gym and does “Turbo” at 5:45 three mornings a week, which I have always maintained is not a sane or normal thing to do, and at 9:00 three other mornings a week.  In addition to that, she attends or teaches “Hip Hop Hustle” at least twice a week and is about to start a PiYo class as well.  She also practices the routines at home, AND she does strength training.  She also works about 50 hours a week and has a young daughter.  To say this woman has a full life is an UNDERSTATEMENT! 

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Anyway, in the first blog I ever posted here, I said I probably would never become the sort of person who gets up and goes to an exercise class at 5-something in the morning.  Well guess what?  This week- I did it.  I had had a big disappointment at Weight Watchers, and watched a dear friend get her goal weight award that same day, and I just decided that if I was ever going to get out of the rut I’ve been in for the last two months with WW, that I would have to get MOVING!  

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So I didn’t even get to bed until midnight the night before.  I was still flip-flopping back and forth, literally and figuratively, as I lay in bed and tossed and turned and tried to talk myself into and out of getting up and going to my sister’s class.  Finally, after midnight, I just rolled over and set my alarm for 5 a.m. and said to myself, ‘The heck with it.  If I don’t do this now, I never will.  Besides, the first class is free.’  And the next morning, I got up when the alarm went off, pulled on my leggings and oversize t-shirt (No skinny tanks or sports bras for this wanna-be athlete, not yet, anyway!)  and my poor, worn-out Sketchers Shapeups. I grabbed a big water bottle, my keys, phone, and purse, and hit the road.  Still dark, hardly anybody on the road, early morning chill, quiet world.  It was nice.  I got to the gym and it didn’t look like there was anyone there yet, so I sat in the car and texted my sister to surprise her that I was there.  She said she’d be there soon, so I waited a while longer.

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It’s actually kind of funny- there’s this weird fitness sub-culture in my town.  Every morning, hordes of tiny little people are seen jogging around town at ungodly hours of the morning, clutching their water bottles and trying to look like they’re enjoying it.  (Maybe they are, but I can’t imagine!)  So as I was sitting there in my car in front of the gym on downtown Main street, I kept seeing little groups of joggers go by in my rearview mirror.  Finally, my friend who got her goal weight award this week showed up for the 5:40 Turbo class as usual.  (Hmm, could the two be related?)  Now that I knew someone there, I got out of the car and went in with her.

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The class was not as hard as I was afraid it would be, but I still couldn’t keep up with half the choreography.  And the whole ‘sticking both feet way out behind you and then doing a huge jumping jack up in the air’ thing?  Oh, heck to the NO!  Not a snowball’s chance I was going to pull that one off yet.  But still, it wasn’t bad; I kept up and kept moving through the whole class, which I was SUPER proud of, and left the gym feeling rubber-legged, but accomplished! 

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So today I kind of felt the urge to get up and do it again- I even set my alarm again.  (I know, I’m wondering if the Mind-Snatching aliens left a forwarding address, too.)  But my bed was snuggy and warm and I couldn’t make myself get up and go.  But Sister Fitness had given me a couple of Turbo dvds a while back, so I told myself that as soon as I took the kids to school, I’d come home and do one of those.  I even had the kids show me how to work the stupid PS3 that serves as our dvd player.  Unfortunately, that instruction didn’t stick, and I got about 5 minutes into the workout before I got frustrated that I couldn’t keep up with the damn choreography, and then I would have gone ahead and finished it, but I couldn’t figure out how to work the game controller enough to get the video back to where it was, so with a little foul-mouth-edness, I just turned it off and decided to get on the treadmill instead! 

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I walked for about 27 minutes, and then I fixed myself a lovely scrambled omelette with green onion, minced garlic, cilantro, (which I am starting to fall in love with, btw.  It tastes like Spring!) mushrooms, tomatoes, and shredded cheese, with a whole grain English muffin and a cup of skim milk.  I lit a candle on my table, prayed, meditated, and focused on savoring and enjoying my food.  As I watched the candle flame dance, I started trying to formulate a poem about it, as well as a poetry-based blog entry describing the difference between my Tuesday and my today, but I haven’t perfected those yet, so…

Until next time,

D.