Hello all. I hate to have to say this. Really. I do. But here goes: I give you fair warning that this entry may contain ranting, raving, whining, self-pity, and just flat out pissyness. EVERYTHING is irritating me today! Facebook, for example. Another day, another layout. STOP already! Weight Watchers. I just realized I’m down only 6.8 pounds since the middle of JULY! What the heck!? I have been doing Turbo three times a week, but I guess I have only been marginally good about what I’ve been eating, or something, because I keep see-sawing up a little, down a little, and it is so hard! Right now I’m just plain tired of struggling with it. At this moment I am truly hungry- my stomach is literally growling, but after I got home from taking the kids to school I just walked in the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, stood there staring into its depths for a moment, surveying a narrow selection of “breakfast-y” items, then shut the door in disgust and left the room. I am so tired of having to think about what I eat, so tired of trying to think of something “healthy.” Like what’s that mean, right? I have been trying to keep a detailed food log for this fitness challenge. We are supposed to log every food we eat, along with its calories, carbs, sugars, fat, and protein. And let me tell you- it is a complete crap shoot. Every website comes up with different numbers. Not to mention the challenge of doing a detailed breakdown of something made homemade in a local restaurant. I have the lady’s cookbook, but I don’t know how many servings are in her recipes. Unlike every other cookbook in the known universe, she doesn’t tell you what constitutes a serving and how many the recipe is supposed to make. Cookbook FAIL!
Also, I was all set to rant and rave about how it seems like everything I own is an almost-worthless piece of junk! My car, my computer, my slow-cooker, my tennis shoes, my clothes. Yes, I know, at least I HAVE these things. Grateful I am, young grasshopper, really. It’s just that my car randomly dies going down the road. Just cuts out. I have to shift it into neutral and restart it and try to remember not to step on the brake so I don’t get run over. Although I have to say, I’m thankful it didn’t die so far today. I went from Lone Grove to Ardmore and back this morning for Turbo and it didn’t die. Usually it’s good for at least two on that trip. The other items I mentioned are really very tiny little issues that could easily be fixed with a few dollars. Except the clothes. Can’t get anything new yet because I’m still paying for the clothes I bought before our Disney trip, only now some of them are already torn up or way too big.
See, this is why writing or blogging or journaling is good for you. I don’t feel irritated anymore. But I still feel hungry. I’m not completely over the “What breakfast can I make that is a)healthy and b)not a repeat of something I’ve eaten 6 times in the last two weeks?” thing. I usually make scrambled eggs, which I try to ‘healthy up’ by adding sauteed veggies like onions, spinach, or broccoli. (Yes, broccoli in a scrambled egg. It wasn’t any better than it sounds.) And I add turkey bacon or sausage and a piece of whole grain wheat toast, usually dry. Sometimes I have a healthy cereal with skim milk, but that lasts about 2 hours and then I’m hungry again. I could have a sandwich with some lean protein lunch meat and spinach leaves instead of lettuce, but then what would I have for lunch? See? Eating healthy seems to demand that I focus on food constantly, which is the exact opposite of what I’ve been striving for, which is to view and interact with food only as a source of sustanance and not an emotional companion or boredom-reliever or any other role you might assign it.
Anyway. I guess what I choose for breakfast doesn’t matter, because I’m still sitting here writing instead of getting up and choosing something, and by the time I get around to it, it will be almost lunch time and ‘get ready to go to work’ time, and I’ll have skipped breakfast completely.
(The above picture, by the way, I just picked to stick in this entry because a) it happens to be a picture of eggs, which is what I was talking about, and b) it’s just cheery and yellow, and everything yellow always picks me up.)
I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days about people from my past. When I woke up yesterday morning, I had been dreaming about a guy I liked in upper elementary/early middle school. Today I was thinking about the guy who was supposed to have gone to my class reunion with me. I don’t talk to either of them anymore, and I guess I’m just feeling nostalgic or lonely or something. I miss people. Not ex-husband people, fortunately. Just other people I never really got much of a chance to know as a person but still really felt attached to, you know? I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see what the reason or purpose was for these friendships, and also see when or if I’ll ever have anybody in my life again. Love-wise, you know. On the other hand, maybe I don’t want to know, especially if I’m supposed to stay single the rest of my life.
Well, now I’m past hungry and getting sleepy. Guess I’ll either go force myself to pick something healthy-ish for breakfast and just fix it, or I’ll say the heck with it and go back to sleep for a while until I have to get ready for work.
Until next time,