The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Just Another Manic Friday November 30, 2012

Hello all!

*bungee jumping vom Dortmunder Fernsehturm; Pla...

Y’all, I live in a state of emotional bungee jumping.  If you’ve been reading me longer than five minutes you know this, and today is one of those days.  Today is a day where my body feels like nothing so much as leashed power.  Like if you could stick the right electrodes on me I could power a small city.   Today is one of those days where I want to do things like go climb mountains with Sherpas.  Do meditative yoga at sunrise with a bunch of monks in a temple somewhere.  Kiss my soul mate at midnight on New Year’s Eve at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.  Make love on a bearskin rug in front of a blazing fire in a snowbound cabin in Alaska.

*

It all started when I was awakened at about 3:30 this morning by the noise from the living room where one of the cats was attempting to violate a package of cookies the kids left in there.  I got up and took it away from her and put it in the fridge.  Then of course I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I just lay there and tossed and turned and flipped and flopped.  I killed a little time doing some exercises.  (Yes, you can exercise while lying in bed.)  I did some leg lifts and butt squeezes and crunch-ish things, some arm presses against the wall over my head.  Stuff like that.

*

By the time I got bored with that, it was about to get light outside.  I decided it had been a while since I’d watched a sunrise, so I rolled over and pulled the curtain back from the window and started watching the darkness lighten.  There was only one star in my view and it was a great big bright one.  I decided I’d watch it continuously until it got so light I couldn’t see it anymore and see how long it took.  This was about 6:30.

*

So I lay there and held the curtain back and just watched.  The light crept upward and the star I watched got smaller and dimmer.  A couple of times I took my eyes off it and thought it had gone, but then I’d find it again.  Finally, it just disappeared.  It was 7:18 a.m.  The sun still wasn’t actually up.  And I started thinking about how that star is still there, and when I go to bed again, if I look out the window, there it will be.  Some things are always there whether you see them (and acknowledge them) or not.

**

So when I wrote all the above, I was flopped across my bed with Clairol #43 on my hair, scribbling furiously across the back of a transcript of something I printed out and brought home from work.  Now I am AT work, and today is what I might call Fashion Experiment Day.  I was in the mood to do something different, so I’m wearing a rather blindingly bright neon yellow A-line thing (it’s either an oversized shirt or a short dress) over white pants, with robin’s egg blue ballet flats.   Dabbling in color makes me happy.

*

Yesterday was my twin daughters’ 19th birthday.  I wanted to do a long, mushy post about how amazing and wonderful and fabulous they are, but I got busy at work and didn’t get around to it.  But let me just say that they are two of the brightest spots in my universe, and I don’t know what I would do without them.  They represent all I ever wanted from the time I was in middle school:  to be a mom.  I understand now that there’s a lot more in the world to be experienced than just having babies, and if I could do it over again, I would probably go do some of that other stuff first, but make no mistake:  I would not trade those two amazing young women for all the baguettes in France or all the monks in Tibet.   Happy Birthday, my girls!

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Regarding The Boy: From Ranting to Tearjerking in 700 Words September 9, 2010

Filed under: In Memoriam,Mood Swings,Parenting Perils — DDKlingonGirl @ 7:36 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Hello all.  I’ve been trying to come up with a good reason for why I haven’t been very prolific lately with the writing and blogging, etc.  I have no reason or excuse except that I am not sure I have anything particularly entertaining to talk about, not that I’ve ever let that stop me.  I’ve just been in a general slump lately about everything!  For example, I have needed to fold laundry for about…. oh, EVER.  And I’ve needed to sort through a ginormous box of pictures and find pics for the class reunion (that is coming up in only 8 days and to which I am very much looking forward, but with a significant degree of trepidation.) I need to find some way to get some work done out in the garage because my dear, sweet, insane mother is planning to use MY house for a garage sale!  And if time allows, after all that, I need to find some way for my son not to wind up in a mental institution, with me sharing a room, because he’s driven us both nuts.

*

Frankly, I blame the entire American educational system.  I blame a system that wants kids to learn the difference between historical fiction and realistic fiction in the 3rd grade.  I blame a system that wants kids to “start thinking outside the box” when they’re NINE years old.  And, OH, how I blame a system that measures a kid’s success and potential by their score on a standardized test! 

*

Right now I just want to blame everything.  The kids were just on the phone with their Other Biological Parent, which for no particular reason at all, puts me in a bad mood.  It shouldn’t put me in a bad mood for them to speak on the phone to OBP.  I don’t know why it does, except that they think OBP is all things wonderful and fabulous and perfect-parent-like, when OBP gets to see them all of once every 4-6 months, and when that occurs, it’s for a maximum of three or four days, and their entire visit consists solely of him listening to their every word, playing video games with them, watching movies and doing whatever they want.  He doesn’t have to be the one to say, “No, you can’t go to your friend’s house,” “No, you can’t have sugar for breakfast,” “No, you can’t play that game right now, because you haven’t done your homework,” “No, you can’t play outside because you left the yard without permission last time.”  They never have to hear him ranting, raving, or otherwise requiring of them horrible MOM things like, “Bedtime, go brush your teeth, clean your room, do your chores, finish your homework, eat this healthy food, put on clean clothes, turn off the tv, turn down your earphones, get up, get dressed, hurry, let’s go, we’re late, you can’t wear that, clean up this mess…”  They see him with a freaking halo and wings, and it drives me up the wall. 

*

So anyway.  I am under tremendous stress because I feel like my son is having all the joy of life and learning sucked out of him by an effed up educational system and I feel powerless to change it.  I cannot afford to send him to any other type of school, even if there were a superfluity of options here in Southern Oklahoma, which there are NOT.  He’s only in the 3rd grade.  We have 9. More. Years. of. School, God help us.  I cannot imagine how he will be in high school if he is this difficult now.  He is cranky, irritable, frustratrated and unhappy, and that’s on a better day.  On a bad day, he is literally unmanageable because absolutely nothing satisfies him and he has ZERO patience for anything and I don’t have much more than that!

*

But sometimes.  Oh, sometimes!  He can be so incredibly sweet and amazing.  Like the other night when we were on our way home from my parents’ house and he was leaning his head over against the car window and looking up at the stars.  He mentioned it was a very starry night and when I agreed, he said, “Stars fill me with joy.”  Or when he says he loves me, and it just doesn’t seem like enough for him to say it once.  He has to say it every five minutes for an hour.  Sometimes he says, “I just love you so much it breaks my heart.” 

*

Guess what, kid?  It breaks mine too.

Until next time,

D.

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

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