The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

C’s The Day April 5, 2016

Filed under: A-Z,Mood Swings,Weight Woes,Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 10:31 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello, all! I have technically failed the April writing challenges already, since I didn’t write yesterday. But you know what? We are not going to worry about that.  Not a thing we can do to turn back time, so might as well move forward from here. I was going to try to catch up by combining this entry into a C post AND a D post but I decided it was too late at night for that. My C topics are cats, candy, and crying.

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About the cats.  We have three. Yes, I know for most people that is three too many, but hey, I know someone who has NINE cats. Anyway, I don’t love them and I don’t necessarily hate them. I just hate the consequences of having them in my life. When the kids don’t clean out the litter box, my house smells. They have literally destroyed the carpet under every single door in this house by scratching to get into or out of rooms with shut doors.  And they have also destroyed my couch. I mean, granted, that thing is on its third owner. But it would still be in better shape if we didn’t have cats.

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Candy is just something there is no longer any of, left in my house. My family had their Easter celebrations late because my parents were out of town until this past weekend. My mom made baskets for everyone and there was quite a lot of candy to be had around here. This is, of course, a bad thing, because where there is candy, I will, of course, eat it. I have been engaging in a fierce battle with myself lately about eating and food and weight and self esteem, and I am losing that battle in spectacular fashion: I eat, I gain weight, I utterly loathe myself and everything about me.  This is a bad thing, and I know it. I know I am supposed to believe that people are beautiful no matter what size they are.  I am supposed to remember that sexy is an attitude. And I am supposed to know without a doubt that the most important part of any person is NOT what you see on the scale or in the mirror. I can’t do that and I don’t know why. I can’t believe or remember or know. I wish I could. I’m working on it.

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Which leads me to the final topic, crying. I have done a lot of that lately and I know it hasn’t done me a bit of good. I just have to throw off my pity party hat and throw on my “I have done this before and I can do it again” hat. Yes, it sucks royally to have to re-lose weight you have already lost once, to fight yet again a battle you have fought over and over before. I don’t know what the secret is, but if I figure it out, I will be sure to pass it on.

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And now, my C poem:

Catch me if you can

as I fall into a river of tears.

i shed them.

They come in a downpour

and rise high enough to sink ships.

My sunglasses sit on my face.

I’d like to think they hide my eyes

but really

they don’t.

my eyes are seen behind them

as the tears seep out from underneath.

Crying.

DD

4/5/16

11:25pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

Just Hanging Ten and Riding the Old Mood Wave September 2, 2013

Honey Badger

Honey Badger (Photo credit: Rainbirder)

Hello all.  Today is one of those days where it wouldn’t take much for me to become that woman in the news clip who is seen being wrestled into the back seat of a police car by five or six burly cops who could give The Incredible Hulk a run for his money, simply because the cashier at the grocery store, or the guy in the next car at the stoplight, or the neighbor to the north whose back yard just went up in flames, or one of her own offspring, said something that she in her pre-hormonal state just kind of took wrong and with little or no warning became a raging ball of psycho that even a rabid honey badger would skirt around with caution.

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In short… I AIN’T in a good mood.  Aside from the reasons for this hinted at in the preceding paragraph (pre-hormonal state, obnoxious neighbors, offspring), I am basically just at a loss as to explain why I am so volatile at the moment.  It’s not like things are going badly.  My birthday’s coming up, I have plans to go to the local Little Theater and see a new play this week, an event for which I will also be reuniting with my Les Mis castmates, the house didn’t catch on fire when the neighbor’s yard went up in flames this afternoon… I have plenty of reasons to be in a better mood than the one I’m in.

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Today was one of those days where I had to self-edit much more heavily than usual.  Every time I wanted to post something on social media or send someone a text message, I had to think, “Ok, do I REALLY have anything to say that is worth hearing at this point, or am I merely about to complain, whine, gripe, grouch, or otherwise suck the joy out of someone’s day?”  When it turned out that the answer to that question was ‘no and yes’ then I decided Grandma’s old adage was definitely applicable, and if I couldn’t say something nice… well, you know the rest.

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Then finally, late in the day, I was able to share something humorous and positive, which was that I had finished my playlist for Little Theater set construction days.  When I help with building sets, I am surrounded by several older guys who, for the most part, don’t appreciate music by people like Gaga, Beyoncé, or any of the other artists whose music might be likely to appear on my teenage daughter’s iTunes, so I created a playlist of mostly 50s and 60s rock and similar songs, which I know my set-building cohorts will likely really enjoy.  We just finished the set for the play that opens on Thursday, and now I can’t wait for the next one to start.  And hopefully, I will be working on set as a cast member next time, because I plan to audition for a role in this one.  Granted, I have never acted in a non-musical play in my life, and I really don’t know what I’m doing, but what the hey.  Gotta start somewhere, right?

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So anyway.  Not much else going on, really.  My trip to Charleston is a mere four and a half weeks away, which is amazing.  I can’t wait to go, but I wish I had gotten my act together and stayed serious about WW a couple months ago so I could have been at a smaller size for this trip.  But oh well.  It is what it is, as they say.  And besides, if I’d been a smaller size, I would have had to shop for new clothes for the trip, and ‘ain’t nobody got funds for that!’  (Slight adaptation of the popular meme.)

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With regard to men and relationships, my current dry spell makes Death Valley look lush.  I still have the monster crush on the one guy from Les Mis, but not much is happening there.  We are friends, and we work on sets together, and that is all.  Possibly one day something will change, but I am thinking perhaps I should resign myself to a future career as a sheep herder in Tibet, or start looking into becoming a nun.

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In reality though, I will probably be too busy to worry about the non-date-filled status of my schedule, because I am about to begin training to be a literacy tutor volunteer, and once I get assigned a student or two, I will have several hours less time to think about it.  The recommended amount of time to spend with a student is two hours, twice a week.  Which is actually quite a lot to expect of a volunteer tutor, if you ask me, but no one did.  And again, I will be building sets for the next play, and with luck, will be in rehearsals for same, so I will have plenty to occupy my time.

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So overall, I guess I can consider today a success primarily because I did NOT go ballistic and commit aggravated assault on someone for no apparent reason other than hormones and mood swings, and my house didn’t catch on fire, and I have a ton of things to be thankful for, and really I am.  I have much to look forward to, and much to keep me busy, so those tiny little issues that are mere ‘fly in the ointment’ things should be pretty easy to just ignore.  I’m going to give it my best shot, anyway.

 

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Until next time,

D.

PS- By way of announcements, I have been doing a lot of editing and adding to the Poetry and Fiction page at the top of the blog- if you like poetry or are interesting in reading mine, please feel free to check it out.

 

White-Coat-and-Hypodermic Rant on the Subject of Attraction July 12, 2013

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Fear sucks.  Can we just get that out of the way right here and now.  Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of embarrassment.  When you don’t really know someone all that well, but you know just enough about them to think you could really like them a lot, but you don’t know if they are in a place where they’re looking for someone, and you don’t know if they see you the same way you see them, because sometimes you get little tiny vibes, but they’re completely unreliable because the object of your attention is equally friendly, kind, charming and respectful to everybody, and also because you have serious self-worth issues and every time you start to think that maybe they do like you, that voice in your head tells you you’re not the type of person someone as awesome as this would ever like, much less love, and you start to decide the vibes are just your own wishful thinking, and while we’re on the topic, why is this still a problem at the AGE of 40?!  High school was a lifetime ago.  Have you really not matured that much??

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And then you stop and breathe.  And all the excuses and the justifications and the reasons why you are and should be alone start creeping in and battling with hope, and you suddenly find you have given up again.  Until the next time you look in his eyes and hope starts stirring and breathing again, and getting to its feet for another round.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Just Keep Swimming April 1, 2013

Filed under: Mood Swings,Sweatin' It Out! — DDKlingonGirl @ 4:35 pm
Tags: , , , , ,
Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States.

Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Feeling the urge to write today, but not really feeling what I want to say, so that tells me I’m just looking for an outlet.  A vent.  An escape hatch.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to do any of that today.  I wanted to write a post last week all about the marriage equality thing that was causing firestorms all over Facebook and elsewhere.  I wrote some notes on things that I wanted to say about it, but I can’t seem to find the right moment.  Sadly, I haven’t spoken my mind because I know how it will be received, and quite frankly, I’m just not up to the criticism.  That should give you a clue.

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My new presence on Twitter (@DDKlingonGirl) is taking off rather slowly.  I have “protected my Tweets” so that people have to send me a request to follow.  I did this because I didn’t want any fake profiles, spammers, or porn-promos following me, and I’ve already had to reject about 10 of them.  Also because I really didn’t plan to stay on there after The Blathering, unless I make some really good friends through the experience.

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Ok, maybe I do need to say one vent-y thing, and I know I’m not in a solo boat here:  I hate mood swings!  In the dictionary under ‘just want to cry’ it says see me.  Some things in life just keep turning up like a bad penny, and it seems like they show up for no other reason than just to jack with your mind.  My eating habits, my thoughts about church stuff, my plans for my son’s education, and a few other things come to mind.  I wish I had insurance, because I’m about 99% sure I need to be on meds for bipolar, at the very least.  (My regular long-time readers’ response:  “Ya THINK!?”)  Or maybe I am just a moody sort of person who needs an attitude adjustment from time to time?

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Anyway.  It’s all good, because as soon as I get off work (about 45 minutes from now) I plan to go to my mom’s work fitness center and do my C25k.  Just hit the treadmill until I can shake this off.  And also, I’m going to look forward to next weekend.  I’ve got a new experience planned!  I’m going to Medieval Faire up in Norman.  Partly because I love that stuff and I’ve always wanted to go to one, but primarily to check out one of the Irish bands that’s playing.   I used to talk to one of the band’s members on an online dating site, and I’ve never heard him play.  🙂  That sounds like stalking, doesn’t it?  Maybe I shouldn’t admit to that.  Oh well.

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Opposite of Yesterday March 20, 2013

Filed under: Lovin' Life,Mood Swings,Victories! — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race.

JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race. (Photo credit: JOG offshore yacht racing)

Hello all.  Ok, I just re-read my last post, and y’all- I am such a whiner-baby!  Really.  I am so thankful for all my friends, family, and assorted others who endure repeat after repeat of posts like yesterday’s where I am always on the same darned hamster wheel, yet still continue to read me- it makes me feel so loved.  BUT… you know what?  Sometimes, just sometimes, getting it all out and venting a little can be a good thing.

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Specifically, I’m thinking of the exercise thing.  Yesterday was a workout day, and I wanted to get my C25k workout in, but I figured the high school track was still closed and I didn’t really want to do it around my neighborhood.  Ridiculous, I know.  Just bear with me.  So it was about half an hour before I had to leave work, and suddenly it occurred to me:  Why not do my workout… at work?  I work in a church building.  My actual office area is this huge wide-open space, tucked away from the rest of the building, just right for this sort of thing.  So I did it!   I started the app, set my phone down on the corner of a desk on the far side of the room, and took off!  My knees were still a little achy, and I definitely wasn’t setting any land speed records, but I did it!  And since I wasn’t carrying my phone with me, I wasn’t tempted to keep watching the time and feeling overwhelmed.  This was Week 3 Day 1, and I completed it perfectly!  I jogged both of the 3-minute segments and both of the 90-second segments, AND I did arm exercises as well during the walking parts!  And the 3-minute jogging segments that I was so worried about? They were not bad at all!  The workout seemed to go by really quickly, and I felt happy and satisfied with myself, and just… pretty fierce!

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AND… I also came up with the idea to set a timer on my phone to help me hit my WW ActiveLink baseline.  Every 45 minutes or so, I’ve been walking from my little corner in the building alllll the way up to the opposite front corner of the building and going up and down the stairs a couple of times.

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AND… I studied the Help and FAQ sections on Twitter so I kind of get more what it’s all about now, and I might feel a little less inept at actually using it.

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AND… the kids will be going to visit their father for a few days this week, so I will have some time available to cultivate friendships or relationships by maybe inviting someone out to do something.

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There, see?  Ranting, raving and venting can actually sometimes serve a purpose.  Once you’ve gotten all the aggravation and frustration out of the way, you can actually start to consider solutions.  Which is also the focus of this blog post I read today.  I wish I could write more like she does, but at least I can share it and point people in her direction.  Another goodie I found was this post.  I read the obituary she mentioned and thought, “What a great way to go!”

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Basically, I’m on the opposite end of the swing from where I was yesterday, which is always good.  Another thing I’ve been wanting to talk about is that I use the YouVersion app on my phone, and I found a new version/edition/whatever the right word is, of the Bible that I am really enjoying reading.  Now, I know that some of these “contemporary English” versions of the Bible are suspect at best and completely corrupt at worst, but this one seems pretty good so far.  I have been reading it every day this week, which I have needed to do for a long time but just haven’t done.  This version makes it really easy.  I decided I was going to start at the beginning and read the whole thing when I was flipping through and found the part where Jesus is being tempted by Satan, you know?  And in the older English versions he says “Get thee behind me, Satan” but in this one he says “Beat it, Satan!”  I just burst out laughing.  That has never before happened while reading the Bible, and I thought it was pretty great.  So anyway.  I will have to do some more research and see if this version has any serious flaws or problems, but for now, I highly recommend The Message if you use YouVersion.

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Well, I’m behind schedule on my ActiveLink hike, so I’ll shut it down here for now.  Thanks for reading!

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Until next time,

D.

P.S.  I was looking for images of crossing the finish line, breaking the tape, etc. for this post, and couldn’t find one I liked, but I just thought this sailboat picture was beautiful and happy.

 

The Cork Must Blow Sometime March 18, 2013

Charleston and Old Customs House

Charleston and Old Customs House (Photo credit: Smudge 9000)

Hello all.  I haven’t written a serious/thoughtful/really good post here in too long to think about, but I don’t have one today either.  I just feel like writing.  Today is one of those days.  You know, the kind of day where if I really let myself, I could absolutely wallow in bad mood, feeling completely unsuccessful at every aspect of my life.  If you’ll bear with me, the top ten things on my mind today are as follows:

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1.  I am not relationshippy.  I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to dinner parties or play bridge or any of that stuff.  This is an aspect of my life that I’m pretty unhappy with at the moment, but I don’t know where to look to change it.  I can’t think of anybody in particular (who’s near me) that I really want to hang out with, who has the time or energy or desire.  And the whole dating thing?  My future in the world of romantic relationships?! Forget it.  In the dictionary under hopeless it says see that.  I know, that’s not true, I might find someone eventually.  But given the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage religious issue, and how I can’t seem to lay that to rest, I will probably be much happier if I just give up on the whole idea.

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2.  Someone here at work left a huge jar of peanut butter in there on the counter, and I have been fighting its siren song all day.  When I am bored/cranky/hormonal/ or otherwise in the negative, mood-wise, all I want to do is eat.  And boy, can I eat.  I basically polished off an entire package of Oreo cookies all by myself yesterday.  That ought to have a fabulous effect on my Weight Watchers, lemme tell ya.

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3.  And on that subject, I am so ready to quit.  I can be good(ish) during the week, but weekends kill me no matter what I do, and I am just really tired of the fight.  I am tired of the waste of $$.  There are probably twenty-dozen different websites and iPhone apps with which I could do what I do with WW, except that they’re free.  Wouldn’t you know, I arrive at this mental place only two weeks after I shelled out forty bucks plus five dollars a month for WW ActiveLink, which I think SUCKS, btw.  You don’t start earning activity points until you’ve hit your baseline for the day, and when you actually do a concentrated, serious workout, like, oh, say C25k, you only earn one or two points for it!  When before, alternating walking and jogging for half an hour and calculating it yourself would have netted you like, 5 points at least.

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4.  Which by the way leads me to this:  I HATE EXERCISE!  No, I really hate it.  I have been trying to do the #$@% C25k and I was supposed to start Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, but instead I decided there was no way on this planet that I would be able to pull off jogging for three solid minutes, and I stuck with Week 2 for a little longer.  And even at that, it was torturous.  I walked for two of the six run cycles.  My freakin’ knees hurt.  I am angry.  I can’t lose weight and get healthier without exercising, and I can’t exercise when my major weight-bearing joints hurt so bad I wanna cry.   AND… I don’t have anyone to work out with, and I’m embarrassed to drag my jiggly, wiggly, huffing and puffing, slow-crawl jogging body through my neighborhood streets.  The high school football field track would have been a good place to work out, but it was closed for some sort of repairs.  So yesterday after church I did my workout, knees and neighborhood and all, but all I felt when I got done was anger, and that’s when I ate the Oreos.  Completely counterproductive, yes?  (I know, I should just give up on C25k and look into a membership at the YMCA or some other place that has a pool and do something that is non-weight-bearing, but ugh.  Wetness and changing clothes and showers and lockers and excuses, excuses.)

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5.  I colored my hair yesterday and I look like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald, with a little bit of Weird Al thrown in for good measure.  I need a good haircut, that’s all there is to that.

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6.  I keep wanting to plan all my activities and adventures and tours for my trip to Charleston in October, but it’s still a little too far away.  I don’t know what the schedule is for the conference, what other people are going to be doing that I might could join in and be included in, etc.  I have been looking at walking tours, plantation tours, etc., and I want to do them all, but I know there’s only so much time I will have, and I don’t know which ones will be best.  I am hoping that as it draws closer, I will hear more from the other participants about what exactly their plans are and how much time to I need to plan to spend on my own versus hanging out with them.

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7.  Which leads me to The Twitter Issue.  Although there is a Facebook group that hasn’t been active really, since the end of the last event, the organizers of the Charleston trip communicate mainly through Twitter.  The problem is that so far I have not, up until today, had a Twitter account, because I. Don’t. Get. It.  Seriously.  I don’t understand Twitter, I don’t wanna understand Twitter, I think Twitter is a little bit stupid.  Or maybe Twitter just makes me feel stupid.  But I signed up today, hoping to be able to keep up-to-date with the other attendees of The Blathering and maybe get to know some of them enough to plan to share some tours or activities.  I didn’t really want to have any presence on Twitter other than as needed to participate in The Blathering, so I think what I might do is just delete my account there (are these things ever really gone?) and become the person who brings the Fb group back to life.

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Ok, I guess there will be no 8-10.  Fortunately, I think my Rant-juice just ran out.  I know, you’re thinking “Thank God!” I just needed to vent, you know?  Frustration, aggravation, pain, boredom, loneliness, anticipation, all those things just sort of got thrown into the blender and needed to decorate the kitchen walls, right?

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So as I am prone to do, I will soldier on, keep plowing, etc.  I just took a deep breath, and I will be finishing my day here at work, heading home to see what the kids have been up to all day, (they assure me they have been doing the things I asked them to do, housework help-wise) and trying to find something for supper that won’t exacerbate the damage I did to my Weight Watchers over the weekend.  Meeting is tomorrow, you see.  Not particularly looking forward to it.  Last week I had done the C25k workout three days of the week, as instructed; I thought I had done ok on my eating, and yet I gained like 4lbs. I decided my body hates me and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.  Thanks again for listening, Innernetz.  I don’t know what I’d do without ya. 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

Shake It Off, Rock! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Mood Swings — DDKlingonGirl @ 1:44 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Grinch

Grinch (Photo credit: Mad Manchegan)

Hello all.  I hate to follow up a rant-y, cranky post with another one just like it.  Really, I do.  I generally try to avoid extensive periods of rant-yness, at least in this forum, if not in life.  At least I think I do.  But here’s where I am today:  1.  Facebook has outlived its usefulness.  Instead of the majority of friends posting actual updates to their actual lives, everyone posts politcal articles, fitness-nazi rants that actively belittle 98% of the populace, the “Verse of the Day,” and posters with cheesy, “Duh”-inducing quotes on them.  2.  When I was preparing to leave the house this morning, my entire attitude could be summed up as follows:  It would be a totally ideal day if I could only be allowed to wear my fluffy green Grinch slippers, ((love)) everywhere, all day long.  3.  I am currently in the throes of a surge of negativity concerning my job.  It’s cushy, no doubt.  (See: freedom of schedule, autonomy, decent pay.) The negativity lies in the expectation to believe certain things that are currently beginning to make me want to simultaneously sigh, growl, and roll my eyes every time I hear or read them.  (For those not in the know, I work for a ministry, of the type of church I was raised in, certain tenets of which are now beginning to chafe, some because I question and sometimes do not want to believe them, and others because I do believe them but am currently failing miserably at sharing said beliefs.)

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((deep breath))

Ok, on the plus side, I am doing very well on my Weight Watchers this week.  The meeting was just on Tuesday, and I had another obscene, unmentionable gain, but since then I have measured and tracked everything most carefully.  If I can (I shouldn’t say ‘if’ but oh well) continue to stick with that through the weekend that usually kills me, I will manage to have a good loss next week, and that will help me to continue doing the same for a second whole week in a row, and then perhaps it will snowball into a sustained period of success.

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So I will look ahead to that success with hopeful anticipation.  I will forget all the things that have been making me have a particularly cactus-like personality today.  I will be thankful for my silly Daughter S. who stopped by my work to kill time between college classes and succeeded in making me laugh, even when I didn’t think I felt like it, and also thankful for the fact that she is especially skillful at recognizing when I need to laugh and making that happen with her wonderful goofiness.   I will finish this post and do my job, and we will be one day closer to the weekend.  And I will think of others instead of myself, like for example my poor baby sister, bloggy code name: SparkleAndGrowl, who is suffering from back issues and is in extraordinary pain.  My Mom is taking her to the ER today, and hopefully Little Sis will feel better very soon.

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Thanks to all of you who read and stick with me through my rants, my raves, and my emotional bungee jumping.  You rock!

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Until next time,

D.

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PS- The title of today’s post comes from something that my former husband used to say (that I’m quite sure he stole from somewhere else) whenever I started being all rant-y and whiny.  I didn’t think of the title until I finished the post.  Sometimes it happens the other way around.  Later, peeps!

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The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

Smart and surprising

Mostly Bright Ideas

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A Clean Surface.

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Princess Nebraska

If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. If would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

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Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

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happily ever me

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Our Little Geekling

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Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

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An Unexplored Wilderness

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