Saying Goodbye March 24, 2023

Hello, all! It’s been a while. How are you? I’m doing really great. I’m emotionally and mentally stable and feeling good for the first time in a while. I feel mostly positive, and hopeful, and strong. It’s a good way to feel, for sure. On the other hand, it’s the getting close to the end of the school year. This is the time of year that starts to make me sad. The seniors have mentally checked out. They’re looking forward to prom, taking their pictures in their caps and gowns, getting ready to graduate and head on out into the world. I love the excitement they feel. Most of them, anyway. I’m sure some of them are scared silly. Some of them have no clue what they want to do or where they want to go, and I know that has to be a really scary feeling.

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It always surprises me a little when we get to this point in the year and I start feeling all sentimental toward the graduating class. It’s been two years since they were my students, and at that time they probably drove me bananas, and yet I get all teary eyed thinking of how much I’ll miss some of them. I don’t form attachments easily, and I never know how students really feel about me as their teacher, but some of them truly are special to me. This year there’s one who, when he was in my class, didn’t want to leave on the last day of school. He hung around for a long time after the bell because he was going to miss school so much over the summer. One girl was pretty indifferent in my class; she never could stand some of her classmates, because they talked a lot, and I was always worried that she blamed me for not being stricter on them, yet she came to me to show me her scholarship award. I just love that. It makes me feel like I’ve made a difference to at least one kid. Anyone who thinks teachers don’t care about their students, that we’re all just a bunch of boring, burned out lecturers, counting our days until retirement, can just bite me. I love some of these kids. Some of them I kind of want to shake until their teeth rattle, but ALL of them, I pray for every day. We have a moment of silence at our school, after the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, and I pray every single day for them to be happy and healthy and make good choices and have good lives.

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This week we’re wrapping up our unit on poetry. I bored them to death with analyzing and responding to a bunch of poems for a few weeks, followed by their test over the terms and technical elements, but then they get to watch a movie. I am showing them Dead Poets Society. I absolutely love that movie, even though I want to sob uncontrollably at the end. I wanted them to see how poetry can be inspiring and how most teachers really feel about their teaching. One of the assignments I gave them was to create a visual representation of one of the poems we had looked at, and I got the best thing ever. All it required was a drawing at the very least, but one student actually created a painting on canvas. The poem she was referencing was actually one of mine I had shared with them, and it really spoke to her, so she painted her representation of the poem. It was incredible.

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Anyway, I’m going to start working toward writing more. I have a dear friend from theatre who is always after me to work more on my writing. I know I need to, and I’m going to start working toward that. With poetry it’s hard. I always wrote the best stuff when I was suffering from crippling life events or drowning in depression, and I’m not doing that at this point, thank God! My friend always said to just set aside a certain amount of time every day to write, no matter what. He ought to know- he’s written stories, and short books, I think, and he’s an artist as well, on TOP of being one of the creative forces behind the theatre sets for years and years.

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Well, I started off talking about the graduating seniors, and got off topic. It’s only a brief few weeks until I’ll watch them graduate, hearing that stirring graduation song, Pomp and Circumstance, hardly recognizing them in their regalia. Another year almost down. It feels like it has flown. Ah, well. I’m off to continue to Seize the Day. In the words of Robin Williams in DPS: Carpe Diem!

Until next time,

D.

B Is For Bias, Bodies, and Boyfriends April 3, 2016

Hello, all!  Day 2 of the April challenges is here, so let’s get right into it. B is for Bias and Bodies. And Boyfriends, while we’re on the subject.

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I mentioned in my last post that I had auditioned for a show recently. Ardmore Little Theater is currently in rehearsals for “I Ought To Be In Pictures.” It is a play by Neil Simon with a cast of only three people: a man, a woman, and a late-teenage girl. Initially I went in thinking I didn’t really have a snowball’s chance of winning the adult female role. I really wanted to play the character because I felt like I really understood her. I had some concerns about some parts of the show, but overall I would have loved the chance to work through and around my issues and play the role.

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So I went in thinking I didn’t really have a chance, but at the time, I was thinking it was because there would be someone who was obviously better than I was, and they would get the part. Well, after the first night of auditions, I was kind of surprised. I had done what I thought was maybe my best audition ever and I thought Maybe I actually had a shot. The second night of auditions, when I discovered we were going to be reading the same scene again, I asked one of my friends if I should try to do it exactly the same as I had the night before or do it differently, and she said to do it differently. So as I watched everyone else read, I thought, “How can I be different from everyone else? How can I do it better than last night?” And I came up with the idea to take it in the opposite direction emotionally and take a completely different tone.  After the reading, I felt like it had been a good choice. Nobody else had gone that direction but me, at least not that I could remember. There was one lady who I felt was pretty good, but I felt like I showed more realistic emotion. Or something. I am not even sure now. I think I just generally thought I was better. BUT. She had one huge advantage. She was much thinner.

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When it came to the guys, two of them were similar but seemed pretty good to me, and the third just seemed a little bland and emotionless. Not very realistic. And there again he was the thinnest of the three. So guess who got cast? The two thin people, which really should not have surprised me, and perhaps really didn’t, because at one point they were onstage together and I thought, “I’m looking at the cast of this show right now.”

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Anyway. One of the things about theater is that the result of an audition is never truly in our hands. We might think we are the best choice, but it is all about the director’s vision and only he or she knows what that is. But in this case, I felt like the primary deciding factor was appearances. That may or not have been entirely the case, but that was how I took it. How I felt. And it did something to me. Well, several things, but mostly it reminded me of the fact of appearance bias in theater and every other field and facet of the world. No one is immune to it.

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But on this occasion, the reminder of that bias was almost crushing. I felt very angry that day. I thought I could see very clearly that large people are only allowed to be characters in a few specific situations: they are poor, they are Southern, they are stupid, or they are morally deficient. I tried to think, all day when I was at work after the cast was posted, of specific examples both from our local theater and from professional theater and in TV and movies, that supported my theory:  extra large actors and the roles they play.

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The problem is that theater is the very definition of unreality. See, in the real world, fat and unattractive people get married, have sex, and get divorced. In the world of theatre, nobody wants to see that up on stage, larger than life in spotlights in a play about love and sex. It is not fair but it is reality. No sense whining about it when it’s what we sign up for.

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Anyway, the long and short of it was that it made me reconsider the possibility of ever playing a big role, or one I really wanted. I thought I didn’t want to do it if I was up against that bias. I thought I didn’t even want to play roles I might be perfect for, if I had to play them at the size I am now. I started thinking about dislike for self and downright self-hatred and how it spills over onto others and I wondered where my compassion went. (I also realized it is getting harder for me to look people in the eyes at work, but I am not sure there is a connection there.)

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So. It was a rough couple of days. I identified a part I want in one of the shows for next season, but immediately began wondering if I were good enough. And then I wanted to back out because I want to play the part but I don’t want to play her at this size. And then I thought, well why not? If someone’s going to play her, it might as well be me.

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This entry is getting too long, but I wanted to throw in the topic of boyfriends and how it seems like I always want one, but the only guys I have loved, liked, seriously crushed on, or considered crushing on, have all had significant mental issues, by which I mean depression or bipolar or some variation on that theme. I wonder whether I am drawn to these people or I draw them to me. My counselor the other day said something I have known for years, but because of the current climate of my emotions toward myself and my size and all, it was quite depressing to be reminded of:  you have to love yourself before you can get anyone else to love you. And in the mental headspace I am in right now, all I could think was “Boy, am I screwed!”

Without further ado, today’s B Poem:

Bodies

beautiful or not,

Seen through our own eyes.

what is

or what isn’t

rejoice or cry,

but  always judge.

Always criticize.

Bodies

float

or waltz

or waddle

across a stage

or a screen

and into our imagination

catalogued

by categories of value

based on appearances

Bias is like air

it surrounds and touches,

it is inside and outside

and no matter

what the inside says…

the outside makes the decisions

for all of us

DD

4/3/16

2:04am

 

Until next time,

D.

 

A is for Actors April 1, 2016

Hello, all!

Welcome to April, where blogging-wise I am in over my head.

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One of my Facebook friends posted about NaPoWriMo and a few others talked about the Blogging A-Z challenge, and I thought I would be the classic Overachiever and combine them. So I am going to try to blog every day in April except Sundays, AND write a poem, AND stick to a theme that follows the alphabet. Heaven help me.

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So, Day 1.  A is for actors.

Tonight I went to a local high school and watched their performance of The Sound of Music. A couple of my theater friends went with me and it was a nice evening.

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I mainly went for the sake of one kiddo- he was one of my actors when I stage-managed Grease in 2014 and I have watched him in his HS production of it as well. He played the character of Max tonight, and I thought he was wonderful, a joy to watch every time he is onstage. I can’t wait to see what his future holds.

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I wanted to talk about the theater experience and how we learn and grow as actors and how we get better at every audition, hopefully. Recently I auditioned for our local theater’s production of “I Ought To Be In Pictures” and wasn’t cast. I was pretty down about it, but I realized I had given the best audition I had ever done, and it was obvious I am learning and getting better, so I was happy about that. Appearance Bias in theater is another A-word that has been on my mind lately, but that is another post.

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So. In of  honor of my favorite Greaser, and myself, here is my first poem of the month, and it is also titled with an A-word.

Actor In Training

Actor in training,
Move across the stage.
Show us who you’re playing,
Their joy
Sorrow
Rage.

Actor in training
Move us with your song.
Tell another’s story
Make us sing along.

Actor in training
Give the boards your all.
The show goes on
The lights don’t dim
Until the curtain falls.

DD
4/1/16
9:26am

Until next time,

D

 

 

 

Finally, A “Z” Post and What’s New May 19, 2014

Hello all.  I have to say I really hate that I bombed out on the A-Z challenge.  It was my first one to really attempt, and I kind of blew it.  But hey, life goes on.  I knew from the beginning that the Z post I wanted to do had to do with that handy little tool that used to be part of WordPress.  It was down at the bottom of the ‘new post’ screen:  Powered By…..Except I can’t remember the word, but I know it started with a Z.  (I want to say it was Zapata, but I’m not sure that’s right.)  A while back, when you went to work on a post, this handy little program would automatically link keywords for you, and give you suggested images and links to related material to choose from.   I always saved that for the end of the post.  It was so nifty and now it seems to be gone.

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So yeah.  That was what my final post was going to be about.  How I miss the program that did half the work for you when it came to links, images, and related materials.

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What’s new is that I am going to try, repeat: try, to work on submitting poetry to some competitions and anthologies.  I have just barely gotten started.  I submitted a few in February and a few last week. I know, that’s a pitiful consistency record.  The new goal is to perhaps make a chapbook and submit it to a few contests and if nothing happens with those, then just self-publish.  But my goodness, the instructions look… shall we say, daunting?  There are so many different ways to make them, and bind them, and I would really like mine to be nicer than just stapled down the middle, but I’m not sure I can figure out the instructions for making them fancy.  It would require purchasing an AWL, let’s just put it that way.  Oh, and the other big negative?  For some contests, anything I’ve posted here is ineligible for submission.  The contests are for previously unpublished material, and it’s considered published if it is posted online anywhere.  Which really bites because a couple of the pieces I have posted here, I did so because I considered them among my best.  Ah, well.  We roll on, and I will just have to create something new and even better.

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So, short post today, but it serves as my final entry in the A to Z Challenge and my transition into what’s coming up.  Also stay tuned for more news about what’s going on for me in the world of my beloved community theatre, ALT.

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Until next time,

D.

 

D Is For… Dark. REALLY Dark. April 4, 2014

Hello all.  I am really busy today.  My employer is packing up and moving offices.  We are getting a lot of the packing done today and plan to actually move on Monday.  I started to call this post ‘D is For Deconstruction’ and ramble on about the move and the transition and all, but in the end, that topic is really not all that entertaining.  On the other hand, currently it’s just a little bit crazy around here, which is why I bring you the following A t0 Z Challenge post for the letter D.  Short and sweet.

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But first some backstory.  I am a poet.  As you can see at the top of the screen, there is a tab that says My Poetry and Fiction.  Unfortunately I haven’t posted any fiction there, no short stories or anything like that, although my Cruise Report is a really entertaining read if I do say so myself.  But I digress.  I am a poet.  I have written poetry since about 8th or 9th grade.  Writing poetry, like most creative endeavors, is somewhat cathartic for me, healing, cleansing, purging, etc.  I have been through a few dark periods in my life, and my poetry usually reflects that.  Also, I have a tendency to have mood swings that would give a person whiplash.  I won’t go so far as to say I have Bipolar Disorder, but I have felt that way at times, and many people have suggested to me that possibility.  So here is a very brief verse I wrote years ago, sometime when I was really struggling with the moody.

 

—”Suicide Note”—

Deep in a Dank, Dark, Dreary, and Damnable mood,

Depression & Despair Dive Deftly to the Depths of the soul.

Daylight Dawns. Depression does not Dwindle.

Despair Deems Death the Decisive and Definitive cure.

7-4-96—— 7:00 pm

 

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Disclaimer:  Not all my poetry is dark and brooding.  Some of it is, but much of it is joyous and/or sensual.  If you go check out that tab, you may think it’s good, you may think it’s crap, you may or may not think it fits your definition of poetry, but it’s mine and I enjoy it.  And further disclaimer:  I am now eons away from whatever crappy day made me write the above poem, so don’t anybody go turning me in to the Suicide Hotline.  Thanks!

Until next time,

D.