The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

A-Z Day 1: Air and Aggravation April 1, 2014

Filed under: A-Z — DDKlingonGirl @ 9:59 pm
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Hello all!  Thank you for stopping by.  Today is the first day of the A-Z Challenge, and I will open with this:  Air.  As in breathing.  As in what I have to do when I am as Aggravated as I have been today.  Between craziness at work, financial stuff, cranky kids, weight loss failures, and the fact that my bedroom suddenly smells like cat pee tonight, I am getting pretty stressed out.  And also, I am late getting started with the challenge, since it is nearly 11pm on the first day and I am just now posting.  That aggravates me as well.

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I am hoping I will have improved at this by the end of the month.  My usual writing/blogging style is such that I don’t usually post unless I have something specific and important on my mind.  This is, of course, why I have had several months where I only had one or two entries.  Anyway.  It is definitely a challenge for me to come up with something to say and not struggle with the feeling that whatever I have written is somehow not good enough to post.  I will be working on that this month.  I’m looking forward to growing and improving over the course of this challenge and having something worth looking back on when May 1 rolls around.  In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep breathing.  In…out…in…out.  I can do this.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

Some Done Deals, and the Peace They Bring! May 3, 2013

Thinking

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Hello all!  You know what just irks me?  Feeling the need and desire to write, but not knowing what to say.  That happens to me very frequently.  I’ll be just… in that mood.  If you consider yourself a writer at all, even an amateur, you know the one.  For me it’s that I just feel like writing, like I just need to write, RIGHT NOW.  Forget the fact that I may or may not have anything particularly significant to talk about, as long as I’m getting the chatter that’s in my head relocated to the paper or the screen.  It probably doesn’t help that I don’t craft posts ahead of time and save them in organized draft folders for posting at a later, more appropriate time, as some of the bloggers I’ve read apparently do.  I post when I have something on my mind AND I have time to devote to it.  This is probably the reason I often have ideas for posts that never get written.  Things pop into my head, and I’ll think, “Man, that would be a good thing to blog about.  I should write that down.” But then I don’t, and by the time I have a good stretch of time to sit down and write, I’m all “What was that I wanted to write about, again?”  I should definitely work on that.

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Right now I’m all hyped up because after weeks of indecision and dithering, I am tickled to announce that I have booked my flights for my trip to Charleston!  Yay, me!  I am so excited about this.  I know I have gone back and forth, worried incessantly, and probably driven everyone I know stark raving mad, but now that it’s a done deal, I am so happy.  Part of me is still a little concerned about the whole ‘fitting in’ thing.  I feel like I’m older and at a different stage of life than a lot of these amazing bloggers I will be meeting.  Many of them are writing about their babies and nap schedules and nursing problems and sleeping through the night, and terrible twos and kindergarten schedules, and I’m thinking, ‘Boy, could I have been the queen of this world if they’d had this stuff when the girls were little!’  But alas, they didn’t.  So now I have twin girls who are almost 20 years old, and a boy who will be 12 on Monday, and sometimes I’m wondering what I have to offer.  I don’t really have too many Raising Twins cautionary tales or horror stories, unless it’s about what to do when one of your twins literally hates the other one, or when your son is almost universally looked upon as being either the next Jim Carrey/Robin Williams or a future school shooter, and which one he becomes is entirely dependent upon you and your parenting.  That’s a scary-as-heck place to be, I can promise you.

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Anyway, I do realize that there are bloggers of all ages, in all life stages, with all kinds of stories, who will be at this event, and I am so very much looking forward to the adventure and the journey of being a part of it.  I am a little torn between tempering my expectations so that if I don’t find at least one or two people who become fairly good friends I will not be terribly disappointed, and having faith that this is going to be the best, most amazing thing I have done thus far in life and it will result in some wonderful friendships.  I think I’m going to do with the latter, as that seems to have been the experience of many of those who have attended in previous years.  If nothing else, I am excited that it will be the first time I have just branched out on my own and done something for myself, by myself.  (Except for having someone drive me to and from the airport, which my mom has always been willing to do for me, thank goodness.)

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So, more about my son.  He started out in public school in our local district, but he has never really done well.  He has struggled both academically and socially.  We’ve had him tested at every turn, and he has some non-specified processing difficulties, as well as a diagnosis of ADHD.  He also seems to have some Asperger-y traits, but has never been diagnosed with that.  He was in 4th grade last year in public school, and we have been “homeschooling” this year.  I put that in quotes because while we started out with a very structured, organized system at the beginning of the school year through online public school, we pulled out of that after about six weeks, and have been taking a different approach since then.  We have just explored different things that he really loves, and I have tried to teach him some real-world skills that he will need in the future, but there has been very little structure or consistency.   I have really beaten myself up about this.  But he has grown so much, matured in a lot of ways, and I think more than anything, he has really benefitted from just being out from under pressure.  He has spent a lot of time with me, coming to work with me most days since I am blessed with a flexible job as a church secretary, and I think it has been what he needed.  Our lives for the several years leading up to this year have been marked by change, tragedy, and chaos, and I don’t think he handled it very well.

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Thankfully, I think that is largely behind us!  This week, I found an educational option that I think offers the best of both worlds- the self-pace and lower pressure of homeschooling with a little more of the structure and consistency found in the public school environment than I have been able to offer him while trying to work full time simultaneously.  It’s a small private Christian school here that is basically a group homeschool, but the beauty is that it’s NOT I who is responsible for the teaching and structure.  It’s a little pricey for what it is- they want $230 per month, and if I didn’t think it would be incredibly presumptuous, I’d ask friends and family for “sponsors.”  But I think it is do-able for me, whether I get help or not, so I am very happy and excited for both of us.  Honestly I will miss him coming to work with me, but this will be so much better for him- he will get the education he needs in an environment that fits him.

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I could go on and on about this, but this post is already longer than usual.  I’ll just say that for now- I am happy, the stars are aligned, and everything’s coming up roses, and I won’t even make a remark about ducking under my desk to avoid the Other Shoe Dropping.  Oops.  Scratch that.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Loving Learning, Sharing Experience, and Being Honest April 5, 2013

English: Infographic on how Social Media are b...

English: Infographic on how Social Media are being used, and how everything is changed by them. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!  There is so much I want to say today.  I spent the first half of today at my alma mater, visiting my favorite college professors.  I even got to sit in on a class- Honors Philosophy and Ethics.  It was cup-filling, soul refreshing, wonderful.  I don’t think it’s possible to understate how much I love being on a college campus, roaming the grounds, searching musty-smelling library shelves, sitting in a classroom…there’s just something magical about the whole atmosphere.  I love seeing traditional college students, thinking about what a great time in their lives this is supposed to be- that first foray into adult independence when they go off to school.  And then…I remember that I’ve had that, and you can’t really re-create it into infinity.  It’s meant to be a certain time in your life, not the totality of a life.  That said, I am seriously considering beginning to look into graduate programs and/or adjunct teaching positions solely for the purpose of hanging out in the World of College.

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I have also been looking at a lot of other blogs through links on Twitter, and there are so many writing challenges I would like to be taking part in, ((A to Z Blogging Challenge, NaPoWriMo, etc.) so many great things to read, so many great things waiting to be written.  And possibly some mundane, average, mediocre things to be written, but I enjoy the process of creating too much to back down just because the result might not be amazingly deep or clever.  And I think the rest of the world does too- they are just becoming trained to do it in 140 character Tweets or Facebook status updates, except for the writers and bloggers who can’t contain themselves to such limited venues.  The urge to create and share seems to be an overwhelming human instinct.  Or the current social media landscape is speeding up the evolutionary process toward making it so.  Either way, I’m pretty sure self-expression has never been quite so widespread, varied, and popular.

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Poetry.  I mentioned NaPoWriMo, both above and in my previous post, and I would love, love, LOVE to be posting something new and awesome here that fits that definition, but…how do I say this?  The things inside me that want to come out in that form- I need to save them for myself right now.  They just don’t really fit the mold of ‘Made For Public Consumption.’  I’ve sort of created this blog to be easily accessible from my real world life, and unfortunately I haven’t really achieved my tagline of being my True Self in front of all those people.  I might feel the need to apologize.  Explain.  Defend.  Justify.  Rationalize.  Stuff I don’t really want to do, because we’re talking about my unique feelings and experiences, and I’m entitled to those, in all their gory glory or their desolate, blowing emptiness, or their rich, deep beauty.  They are mine, not my readers’ but when I put them out there for the world to see, they become my readers’ too, to interact with, share, relate to, or even disdain.  I guess I’m just not ready for that level of intimacy.  It’s risky.  But so is life, I guess.

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That may be my point- as anonymous as blogging, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagramming, and all the rest ARE, they are also a form of intimacy, or they can be.  Letting someone into your head- your thoughts and feelings.  Or maybe that’s just blogging the way I do it.  I’m not sure that I’m not just wading in deep BS at this point.  It’s just that people are always trying to break off that intimacy.  You’ve seen it- we’ve all seen it.  A friend or follower decides they’ve had enough of the social media scene, dramatically exit whatever stage they’re on, Twitter, Facebook, or whatever it is, but like a co-dependent relationship, they always come back.  There’s just something about that connection with other people, creating, sharing, that keeps us reactivating those accounts.  It’s understandable and inevitable.

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ANYWAY…

Here’s a short snippet of the poem that’s forming itself in my head:

I was talking about you.

It meant YOU, damn it.

It referred to how it is for me,

seeing your name, your face, your words

and how it’s a fresh gut punch every time it happens.

How I hate the way I’d rather feel that punch

Than lose touch again.

How I know we’ll never be

what we might once have wanted to be,

but what we are is enough.

It is too much.  It is not enough. It is enough.

And I don’t know why, but it is what it is.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Let The Crazy Commence! February 15, 2013

Charleston Harbor Resort

Charleston Harbor Resort (Photo credit: tabounds)

Hello all.  Here’s the thing.  I give you fair warning, and you cannot say you haven’t had it.  I am going to be talking about this trip to Charleston a lot.  Like, A LOT.  I’ve spent the morning perusing the recaps of attendees from last year, adding them to my blogroll in hopes of getting more familiar with some of them before the event, looking at photos, trying to imagine myself in that setting.  At one point I literally almost cried because it looks like so much fun, but already my tendency to fret, worry, obsess, and overplan has kicked in.  I reserved my room in the official hotel, and then I was searching for maps of the city, trying to imagine what I’m going to want to do, what tours I’ll want to take, (trying not to panic when my mother reminded me how bad I am at directions), wondering how much time people at this thing spend together versus doing their own thing, thinking about how everyone else seems to have at least one other person there whom they already know in real life, wondering if I’ll go, shell out all this money, and spend the entire weekend sitting alone at a table in a dark corner, watching everyone else laughing, and feeling nerdy and left out, but being grateful that at least I wouldn’t show up in anybody’s pictures, knowing that since I have already committed to going, I’ll just have to suck it up and be brave and fake the outgoing personality I wish I really had, in order for the previous scenario to NOT be a self-fulfilling prophecy.   Whew.  Deep breath.

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Still, I feel the need to do research.  Like what will the temperatures be like, and what kind of clothes do I need to bring?  The depressing truth is, everybody in those pictures looked so young and trendy and cute.  Y’all, I own nothing cute.  Really.  I bought myself a new pair of jeans from WalMart yesterday, which I desperately needed, but because I was feeling very, um…, large and likely to become larger… I also bought two MENS shirts in size 3X.  Why would I do that, why?!  Do I not have any hope or faith in my ability to keep a handle on my weight loss and stop backsliding?  And furthermore, if I were buying those really big shirts in a futile attempt to camouflage and hide the fluffy, then somebody please explain to me WHY I bought them in Hunter-Safety-Orange and Glow-In-the-Dark neon yellow?!  Aside from the fact that I love bright stuff, clearly, this is some sort of confused paradoxical wish to hide and yet be noticed.  From miles away, no less.  I was also thinking about this paradox in terms of the differences among the various bloggers when it came to how much of their real lives they put into their work- pictures of their kiddos, things they create from projects, pictures of their homes, etc., and how I’m not like that.  I write with the hope that people will just happen across what I have written, find it entertaining, and keep reading and enjoying it, but I still try to keep a certain amount of anonymity, too.  I’m not as brave and open as they are.  I have walls.  I guess all of them probably do have walls of their own, it’s just that all our walls stand in different places, and from different proximities to our hearts, yes?

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Oh well.  For the next eight months, I will try to remember to breathe and I will try to remember that I am strong and beautiful and sometimes inspiring and often darn funny, and that I will enjoy this event without making an Olympic trial of it, and I will come away from it having gained a new experience and hopefully maybe some new acquaintances who will grow into friends.  Sounds like a plan! 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

Filed Under “YES, Please!” November 28, 2012

Hatching

Hatching (Photo credit: AlishaV)

Hello all!  I’m so excited I can hardly type.  I have a goal.  It’s something that would probably make the average Joe on the street and 90% of my Facebook friends go, “Huh?” complete with squinty eyes and sagging mouth that would make a Mensa member look like a moron.  It’s something that is so totally intimidating to me, and yet feels so ME that I can’t believe I haven’t done it before.  Are you ready for this?  The Blathering, 2013.

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Yes, blathering.  It’s a blogging conference for women!  Basically, all these bloggers from around the country get together for a weekend and just interact.  Talk, learn from each other, and enjoy being Just. Themselves. for 72 hours.  I originally heard about it from reading Mighty Maggie, a super-funny, energetic, dedicated mom and writer from Seattle.  This has been an event for several years and I think she was one of the original organizers.  It sounded so cool, except it seemed that half the attendees already knew each other, both in real life and on the Interwebs, and I felt like I would be like their dorky, out-of-town cousin that they had to bring to the prom at the last minute.  But you know what?  I’m over it!  They blog, I blog, we all blog.  Some of them may be real life friends, some may just read each other’s stuff, but I’d fit in because we’re all women and we’re all writers. I’d want to start reading more of them so I can get to know who some of these ladies are, and fit in at least a little.  But seriously.  I want to do this!  And guess where it is?  Charleston!  Ok, I have ALWAYS wanted to go there.  It’s far enough in the future that I can plan and save money and… and GO!

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So yeah, I’m literally shivering with excitement.  Also because I work in a drafty church building and it’s cold in here, but mostly it’s this idea!  This image of me actually going and doing something that’s totally new, that involves me being just me, just a woman, a writer, an independent individual.  I’m not sure I can explain this right so that it doesn’t sound like I’m not happy with my kids and my family and my church and my job, etc.  I love them, but the idea of just going off somewhere for a weekend!   Finding out who I am when I step out of my little bubble, out of my comfort zone, into a world where there’s more to life than math and Disney and pizza rolls, where I’m not chained to a desk and trying to decide if I’m real or a fake when it comes to what I believe or don’t (and what I SAY I believe or don’t), where I’m not worried about pleasing parents and pacifying children, and… just everything!

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Forgive me if this sounds like a dramatic exaggeration (or don’t- I don’t care) but I feel like I’m in an egg, and the idea of going to this conference feels like the first crack of that egg, and I’m about to be on my way to truly hatching.  I can’t wait to see what it looks like when I tumble out!

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Here’s to hatching!

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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