The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

The Return of the Klingon Woman June 28, 2012

Two Klingon males and a female as they appear ...

Two Klingon males and a female as they appear in the original television series episode “Day of the Dove”. The bronzed skin, facial hair, lack of ridged foreheads, and simple costumes are typical of The Original Series Klingons. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!


Wow, no more Allure trip journal.  I’m not sure I can write anything else after all that.  Actually though, we did take another trip last weekend.  This one was much shorter, cheaper, and personal.  We had a family reunion in Cuchara, Colorado.   Road trips, oy!  There’s a reason they call it a trip!  Families are so crazy, but so much fun and so much love.   When we first arrived there, for the first whole day or so in fact, I felt like Forrest Gump– I was so excited I just wanted to run everywhere.  Quite a departure for me, I can assure you.  My cousin who is a nurse said it was a little bit of manic behavior brought on by excitement.  Whatever it was, it didn’t last.  I was fine with walking after a couple of days.  We always have a lot of laughs, my cousin and I.  You never know when we’re going to dress up an old mop and try to torture neighborhood boys and get beat for it.  😀


One of the moments that cracked me up the most on the whole trip was on the way home.  It felt like it was taking absolutely forever, and the kids were getting a little antsy.  All of a sudden, from the back seat, the following scenario occurred:

The Boy:  “Pillow fiiiiight!!!”

Me and my mom:  “Boy, you’re the only one in the whole vehicle who has a pillow!!

The Boy:  (two beats of silence)  “Fist fiiiiiight!!”


He’s a hoot, isn’t he?  We nicely informed him there would be no fist fights, but I was about to fall out of my chair laughing.   On the other hand, one thing that did NOT make me feel like laughing was The Return of the Klingon Woman.  Now, to know what I’m talking about, you’d have to go all the way back to the first month of this blog, all the way back to the origin of the whole thing.  I was 130 lbs heavier then, and I had woken up many mornings to see that my forehead was squished when I slept on my sides, resulting in these diagonal lines from my hairline down across my forehead.  The first thing I thought of was some kind of crinkly-headed alien like the Klingons, so that’s where the whole thing started.


This phenomenon hasn’t been quite so prevalent since I’ve lost so much weight, but this past weekend I woke up one morning to discover it had returned.  Maybe all the hiking and mountain air wore me out and I just slept harder on that side or something, but it was kind of a disturbing thing.  It made me remember how I felt back then, how hard it was living life at that weight.   People who have never been overweight just have no idea.


Luckily, my forehead smoothed itself out pretty quickly as the day went on, and I haven’t noticed a recurrence, but it definitely gave me pause.  It reminded me how far I’ve come and how much I do NOT want to go back to where I was.  Unless of course you’re talking about going back to Colorado.  Man, it was so nice there!  The highs were in the 80s or so, lows in the 50s maybe.  It was Extremely Pleasant!  We started home Monday morning, and the closer we got to Oklahoma, it just got hotter and hotter, more and more humid.  We were all kind of like, “Did we take a wrong turn on the way to Oklahoma and end up on the surface of the sun!?!”


Realizing of course, Colorado is in a state of emergency right now with all the wildfires, all of us here at TJKW (read, me) are definitely sending good thoughts and prayers to the entire state.   Our family reunion was in such a beautiful area!  There were a wide variety of cabins for rent, a cute little village with stores and such, and two tiny little lakes just hopping with trout.  Several of our family members enjoyed the opportunity to drop a hook and drown a worm, The Boy included.  He caught his first fish this weekend, in fact.  (I think it was his first fish.  It was definitely his first trout.)   I was so proud, and he was so excited.  (All together now:  awwwwwww!)  He had a hard time with his first trip, because the flies were bugging him, so to speak, but on his next two trips they weren’t as bad, and he had a lot better luck.


All in all, it was a great weekend, a lot of good fun with great family, and an opportunity to appreciate other places besides home.  Wildfires or not, I may have to move there someday.  It’s not as far as Alaska, but the weather is much more comfortable than here.  Hope everybody has a great 4th of July coming up!  We usually have a big family thing.  My parents live out in the country, so everyone brings their fireworks and we usually either grill or have sandwiches, watermelon and homemade ice cream.  The day being on Wednesday night puts a bit of a crimp in it, but we’ll just roll with it.  That’s what we do.


Until next time,



Jokes On Sickos, Shrinking Klingons, Harry/Barry, and Ice Cold Privates June 29, 2010

Hello all. It’s really late and I don’t have anything of vital importance to talk about, but I hate checking other people’s blogs and finding they haven’t written anything in a week.  It makes me feel like I should post more often.  I haven’t talked lately about wanting to increase my audience and have my view counts rise, and become famous and admired by all the brilliant people.  And speaking of rising view counts, I totally thought I’d get more hits with the title of the entry before last.  You know, with the Food Porn and all.  I expected that my site would come up every time some filthy pervert searched for porn images.  Not that I encourage such a thing at all, but I just figured it would happen.  And it actually has garnered a few hits.  I just think it’s darn funny- some nasty freak searching for something twisted to look at ends up with my blog about stuffed French toast and fat people.  Mwahahahahaha!  Joke’s on you, Sicko!

And speaking of Fat People, and Klingon-woman bloggers who are doggedly trying to lose their membership in that group, my walking this week garnered me a whopping -2.8 lbs.  That word ‘whopping’ is a little facetious.  It’s not the most I’ve ever lost in a week, but I had a few days where I didn’t eat right, and if I hadn’t walked so much I would probably not have lost at all.  The problem is, I haven’t walked yet this week.  Ok, it’s only Tuesday, but I think by this time last week, Cousin and I had walked twice!  Oh well.  I started to whip out the excuses, like tomorrow night’s church, and Cousin has to work Friday nights, and either Friday or Saturday night I’m going to the movies with RMB to see Eclipse (!!) and so forth and so on.   But then I decided that I can walk after church if I really want to, and I can walk by myself even if Cousin is working, and I can walk all the other days, even if I do go to the movies one night.  Right this minute though, my left knee is going “You just think you’re gonna go walking, Miss Smarty-Pants!  Little do you know!”  (In other words, it’s hurting.  Sitting here in this recliner with my laptop, my knees sort of relax outward and they often start to ache before I’m done writing and I have to flex them so that they’re straight.)

And speaking of movies I’m dying to watch, Eclipse tops the list, but I also saw the trailer today for Deathly Hallows, the last Harry Potter movies!  Dude, they look so good!  The three principal actors look and sound SO old, though!  Daniel Radcliffe answers a question from Voldy in the movie, and his voice is so deep it could give Barry White a run for his money!  I’m thinking, ‘Ok, when did they start serving Hormone Pasties at Hogwarts!?’  But the trailer did look good, and I’ll get to see it on the big screen, because I saw in one article that it will be among the previews before Eclipse.  Yay! 

And speaking of Eclipse, and the current cultural popularity of vampires in general, and how sick and twisted and insane some people are, I was reading a blog the other day that mentioned they have now invented a “personal satisfaction device” that is glittery and hard and made to put in the freezer so the user can have “real vampire sex.”  Ok, what!?  Are you really trying to tell me that there are people out there who are so obsessed with icy, glittery, and oh yeah, FICTIONAL! vampires that they’d actually spend their, ahem, hard-earned money to purchase an item like that!?!  Holy crap!

Anyway.  People are insane and there’s no getting around it.  Between stuffed French toast and vampire privates, there’s something out there for everyone!  And now, what’s out there for me is my bed.  I have to escape this room and my two goofy daughters quoting random lines from Pirates of the Carribean word for word!  Goodnight, all!

Until next time,



Legalities, Merchandising, and How Begging Is Good For Your Character April 29, 2010

Hello all!  I’m going to be totally zombie-like today.  I stayed up until midnight reading old posts on Hyperbole and a Half.  Then I got in bed and tossed and turned and flipped and flopped like a frog on a griddle.  The Golden Goddess would tell me it’s because I didn’t turn the computer off early enough, and that the after-effects of something called ‘blue light’ were keeping me awake.  She says they stimulate your brain.  That’s probably true.  She knows a lot of stuff.  But it was actually a lot of other stuff. 

Actually, what was stimulating my brain was my disgust with myself for still not knowing, by the age of 37, when to resist the urge to say what I’m thinking if it doesn’t need to be said.  Then again, that’s kind of counter-productive for someone who wants to become a famous blogger. (Boy, if that’s not an odd ambition!)  I was also thinking of ideas for blog posts.  Some of them were totally random, like I was going to put one up called “25 Things That Would Scare the Crap Out of Me!” and there’s another type of entry called “7 Quick Takes” that I’ve seen other places and considered stealing (with credit, of course).  I was thinking about how to maintain my own style and voice and yet find a way to be as cool as other writers seem to be!  In other words, chasing popularity.  How totally high school!

Anyway.  I’ve been thinking about the whole ‘online store’ thing.  I would so love to have coffee mugs and hoodies and t-shirts with my blog title and logo on them!  I know it’s not like I’m flooded with readers yet, but The Golden Goddess told me she would totally wear a hoodie from The Therapy Journals if I had one.  And she’d proudly drink from a coffee mug with my alien face on it and tell everyone where she got it!  The problem is that I happened to choose a registered trademark as one of the crucial words in my blog title.  I’m trying to check into how much I could get away with using that word without getting in trouble for using it without permission.  But I’ve asked around and I’m pretty sure that actually getting full use permission would involve many lawyers and many more dollars, neither of which I have at my disposal, so I guess I’m screwed.  I could just use the k-word with an original image and figure they’ll either a) never find out or b) not care enough to spend the money to do anything about that I’m selling coffee mugs and hoodies at cost to my closest friends and family and loyal fans, that just happen to include one of their words on it.  Geez, apparently people out there write books in the Klingon language!  Who dreams up this stuff?

Anyway, I’ve also asked Daughter S. to attempt to draw some artwork for said imaginary future merchandise.  She hasn’t managed to get it started yet.  I’m waiting patiently.  I also asked someone else to draw one for me, and haven’t heard from this person yet either, but my asking was kind of random and out of left field, so it may take this person a while to figure out a) who in the heck I am, and b) how I have the nerve to ask her to draw a Fat-Headed Klingon Woman for me!

So friends, let me know what you think.  Would you wear a Therapy Journals hoodie or drink your daily brew from a Therapy Journals mug if I had them?  (In my mind, what I actually just said was “Please, please, please tell me you’d drink from my mugs and wear my hoodies!?  And while we’re on the subject, could you comment more and subscribe and nominate me in some blog contests, and list me in blog directories and email all the people you know that I don’t and tell them how funny you think I am, and even when I’m not funny I’m still worth reading, please please please?!)  And yes, it’s painfully clear I’m not above begging.  Hey, begging is good for your character.  It teaches you humility. 

Think about it and get back to me.

Until next time,



A Table In the Back v. Center Stage: Another Step in the Journey April 27, 2010

Hello all.  Way back a few weeks or months ago, I promised a post explaining why I thought A Table In the Back would, at one time, have been a good title for my autobiograpy.  Well, this is it. 

When I started back to school in Fall of ’05, I had been following the Atkins diet for a year and lost almost 100 lbs. in one calendar year.  I was lookin’ good, and it felt wonderful.  Ok, so you’ve heard of the Freshman 15, right?  The tendency of new college freshmen to gain at least 15 lbs their first year?  Well, I wasn’t a new freshman, but I definitely fell into the trap.  I had slacked off watching carbs and was gradually getting back to regular (former) eating habits.  And here came the weight:   creeep, creeeeep, creeeeeeeeep.  So by the time I graduated from college two years later, I had gained back everything I lost plus some.  Yeah, I was peeved about that. 

So anyway.  If you know Southeastern, you know that we poor schmuck English majors get to spend all our time on the 3rd floor of the Morrison building.  Morrison is a wonderful old dinosaur of a building that is primarily furnished with wonderful old dinosaur-like desks.  You know the ones.  They were new and exciting in the 70s.  They have scratched-in graffiti from 20 years ago.  And they have a hard plastic seat and an attached desktop roughly the size of a piece of paper, and these two items are separated from each other by Very. Little. Space!!!!   In other words, they’re not exactly what you’d call comfortable for a Fat-Headed Klingon Woman to have to sit in for two hours at a time!  When I first started back to school, I didn’t realize they were that uncomfortable.  By the time I graduated, these desks were the bane of my existence.  I hated them with a passion roughly equivalent to the animosity between Rebels and Yankees! 

They hurt.  They pinched.  They squeezed. They actually endangered my GPA because I couldn’t concentrate on what Spencer, Prus, Mischo and Allen were saying when my stomach was being sawed in half by the darn desk!  I wanted to pick one of them up and throw it out a window every time I walked into one of the classrooms!  Fortunately for me, and my fellow fluffy** students, and Southeastern’s Savage Storm Linebackers, there’s a beautiful little thing called ADA Compliance, also known as Accessibility.  You know what Accessibility means?  It means they have to make sure that the classrooms are functional to all students.  And what it results in, is the presence, in every classroom, of at least one– table in the back!  A regular folding table with regular chairs which are not attached to anything, and which can be pushed in, pulled out, leaned back in, or turned around backwards as the sitter desires!

These beautiful, wonderful tables were my salvation the last semester or two of my college education.  After trudging from the farthest parking lot, dragging myself up the steep stairs to the building, and either tromping up the two flights of stairs or giving up and taking the Weiner-vator to the 3rd floor, I’d stumble panting and heaving into the classroom and (((TA-DA!)))there it was- the table in the back that existed in that particular spot precisely so that I would not have to subject myself to further pain by squeezing myself into one of those stupid desks!  I was often the only person sitting at the table, but sometimes other people would sit there too, whether they were overweight like myself, or not.

What was that?  Oh, right, the point.  The point, friends, is that at that time I was mired in a hopeless thought that the table in the back was designated to be my spot forever.  That I’d literally and figuratively be stuck on the fringes of things, marginalized, ignored, left out, forever.  Remember my first Weight Watchers meeting, back in January?  And how I sat at the sign-up table (in the back, of course) so I wouldn’t have to walk forward and blend in with the group, and God forbid, call attention to myself? 

Well, things are changing.  I’m still a pretty good-sized girl, but guess what?  I’m not sitting at a table in the back anymore.  I walk up to the second row and sit down like I own the place, and I’ve actually been known to do that while commenting on the discussion!  That’s right, I have walked in talking!  Spotlight, attention, and all- I took my place and just said what I had to say.  No marginalizing this girl, no sir, not anymore!  Now whether that’s only due to the weight loss I’ve achieved in the last 4 months (30.2 lbs, can I get a woot-woot!?) or whether I’m just really making a lot of progress with my therapist (new nickname:  The Golden Goddess) I’m not sure, but I like it.  I am proud of me.  I’m ready to take center stage.  Fluffy** or not, here I come!

Until next time,


** In my first explanation of the Klingon Woman thing, I made it a point to say it like it is and refer to myself as ‘fat’ and not ‘fluffy’ but the expression just lost steam without using that particular word.  So there you go.  That’s why I said it.


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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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