The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Welcome, 2017! January 1, 2017

Filed under: Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 1:13 pm
Tags: , , ,

Hello all! Today seems like an excellent day to begin re-organizing priorities and I want to make writing more a priority this year.  I haven’t posted to this blog in way too long- I think it’s been almost a year, if not more.  I’ve let technological challenges like not owning an actual computer get in my way. I’ve let blog entries that were begun and accidentally deleted derail my few feeble attempts at blogging. I’ve let the erroneous idea that I had nothing of value to say knock me off my track.  But no more.  I’m here, and once again, for what feels like the millionth time, I’m going to try to find, and continue to use, my voice.

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So it’s a new year!  Wow. The past year seemed to take on a life of its own, didn’t it??  By the end, some people were convinced the year 2016 was a sentient being, and a malevolent one at that- taking the lives of beloved celebrities one after the other.  I was really only touched by three, one of which I didn’t remember until I saw my Facebook memories, started out 2016 on this day last year- Wayne Rogers.  And then in a splash of irony, another M*A*S*H cast member died on the last day of 2016- William Christopher.  That one really made me sad.  M*A*S*H was my favorite show of all time, and the loss of any of those incredible actors is just …un-put-into-words-able.  It’s not like the loss of a celebrity is personally devastating, I mean come on.  We didn’t know them, not really.  And when they are mostly an old favorite and not someone we still see in the public eye on a regular basis, it’s really more of a nostalgia thing than any real and visible loss. Still, it’s a sad milestone. By the way, the other one was Prince, and I could write a whole new blog entry about the long bygone era when Prince was a big part of my life’s soundtrack.

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And speaking of things taking on a life of their own, how about that election, huh?  Despite being something that happens regularly every four years, that just felt unprecedented.  The rallies and the speeches and the personal tone this one took.  It seems to me that in the past, whom you supported in an election basically just indicated your opinion of the role of government. But now, wow! Knowing how someone voted takes on a level of illumination into their entire belief system, and it’s not pretty.  It doesn’t seem to me like knowing what political candidate you supported has ever before been such a cause to make judgments on your level of intelligence.  At least that’s how it is for me. Maybe I’ve just never paid that much attention before.  I do tend to live in my own little bubble and not notice what’s going on out there.  My 9th grade composition teacher, Mrs. H., once told me, in response to a journal writing prompt where she asked for opinions on a current event and I said I didn’t know and didn’t care,  “…you are simply going to have to become more aware of the world around you!”  I’m trying.  Really.  It’s only taken 30 years, but honestly I think most people prefer to live in ignorant bliss because World reality is often scary and depressing. For me, anyway.

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One thing I think fights off Scary and Depressing is having goals and plans and dreams.  In the absence of an active, well-defined belief in a ‘Higher Power’ I think what most people use to fight off the stress of being too informed about the goings-on in the world (yes, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing you could be) is just to have their wants and desires mapped out.  They know the answers to the questions, ‘Who are you, what is important to you, what do you want, and where do you want to be?”  Some of us spend our lives in the search for those answers and never feel like we have found them, some of us figure it out early and get started and never let up, and some of us change our answers over time, depending on the season of life we happen to be in at the moment.  I won’t tell you which of those people I am, but I think if you know me in real life, you can probably narrow it down. I’d really like to work toward finding more answers this year.  It feels like I’ve been just sort of treading water and surviving for a while now.

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So basically I’m going to give it a little more thought before I post one of those big, enthusiastic bullet point lists about my Goals and Dreams in the New Year.  I did notice I woke up very Manic today.  A quick glimpse at my Facebook memories made me realize I do that very often.  It seems pretty normal, you know?  It’s a New Day!  It’s a New Year!  Do ALL THE THINGS!  And that lasts about 24 hours.  So I think I’m going to try to keep an actual calendar journal, in which every day I write down the things that jump out at me as Must Do’s and the topics and thoughts that I have strong opinions on for future blog posts.  There are so many good ideas out there!  So many things to try.  We live in a world that includes Pinterest, y’all.  The ultimate mirror to hold up in front of ourselves and say “Do this, do it just like this, make it look Fabulous, or we’re going to mock you mercilessly for all eternity!” But honestly, I think there is worth. A lot of motivational and self-help ideas, tips, tricks.  One of the ones I think I am going to implement in my own life is meant to help you create a more positive outlook at the end of the year by writing down something positive every day (or week?) and putting it in a jar.  At the end of the year you read it all and get reminded what a great year it really was.  I think I need that. I have the perfect jar, too.  A few years ago, I took my kids on a really special vacation.  We had created a jar to save money in and decorated it with pictures.  That vacation had its good and bad moments, but it was the biggest thing I had ever done up to that point, and I think by using that jar to put my positives in, as well as money, I can remind myself that Big Things are still possible.  I struggle with remembering that there are still many adventures ahead of me.  I feel trapped and stuck a lot.  So I’m going to work on that.

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And with that I’m going to bring this post to a close.  I did wake up manic, after all, and there are things that need done around here that are literally screaming at me in my head:  Take the Christmas Tree Down!!  Clean up the mess from deciding what to wear from the party last night!! Get rid of a bunch of clothes! Clean the bathroom!  Eat something healthy!  Exercise!  Go clean up Mom’s yard!

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So you guys have a great year.  Make it awesome.  You don’t have to make it huge and mind-blowing and all-encompassing and un-toppable.  Just be like Jack on Titanic.  Make each day count. Love and blessings to all!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

White-Coat-and-Hypodermic Rant on the Subject of Attraction July 12, 2013

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Fear sucks.  Can we just get that out of the way right here and now.  Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of embarrassment.  When you don’t really know someone all that well, but you know just enough about them to think you could really like them a lot, but you don’t know if they are in a place where they’re looking for someone, and you don’t know if they see you the same way you see them, because sometimes you get little tiny vibes, but they’re completely unreliable because the object of your attention is equally friendly, kind, charming and respectful to everybody, and also because you have serious self-worth issues and every time you start to think that maybe they do like you, that voice in your head tells you you’re not the type of person someone as awesome as this would ever like, much less love, and you start to decide the vibes are just your own wishful thinking, and while we’re on the topic, why is this still a problem at the AGE of 40?!  High school was a lifetime ago.  Have you really not matured that much??

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And then you stop and breathe.  And all the excuses and the justifications and the reasons why you are and should be alone start creeping in and battling with hope, and you suddenly find you have given up again.  Until the next time you look in his eyes and hope starts stirring and breathing again, and getting to its feet for another round.

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Until next time,

D.

 

From the Heart November 2, 2012

sunrise

sunrise (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Hello all.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I have so much to say, I just hope and pray I can say it right.

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All over Facebook, yesterday, today, and for the rest of this month, many of your friends will be doing the Thankfulness thing.  You know, every day, you post something you’re thankful for in an effort to increase overall thankfulness and warm fuzzy feelings in general.  I plan to jump on the bandwagon of course, because I’m just a Facebook nerd like that, but mainly because I think it’s important to acknowledge the good things in our lives and the blessings and favors we enjoy every minute of every day, if only our eyes are open wide enough to see them.

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So today on the way to work, I was running earlier than I normally do.  It’s Friday, I get to leave The Boy at home with his sisters, so I’m able to get going a little earlier than we do the rest of the week.  Love it.  Anyway, I’m driving east, and the sun is right in my eyes.  Yesterday on my way home, I was grousing about the sun being in my eyes, and how I’d give anything if the little magnet that holds my clip-on sunglasses on my prescription glasses hadn’t fallen off and gotten lost so that I now have no functioning sunglasses.  But looking at the sunrise this morning, seeing the way the light streaks sideways through the blue of the sky, instead of feeling put out, complaining about the sun being in my face, I tried to think about thankfulness.  I tried to think about how lucky I am to get to see that beautiful example of God‘s care for us:  light and warmth.  I tried to just absorb and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and think how very grateful I am that I have my sight and I don’t have to live in constant darkness.  I tried to notice how the light of early morning just seems to make even the most mundane things a little more beautiful, and I was thankful for the grace to be thankful for something I was just complaining about yesterday.

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And as I said, I’m a big Fb person, and my first status of the day started forming in my head during the drive to work:

Ok, y’all, I want you to do something:  go outside.  Right now.  Face the sun.  Throw your arms open wide, as wide as they’ll go.  Throw your head back.  Feel the sun on your face.  Breathe deep, deep.  Get your lungs as full as they’ll go with the cool, crisp, fresh morning air.  Now let loose with a ‘Jack-Dawson-on-the-bow-of-Titanic, Harry-Potter-on-the-hippogriff’ WHOOOOOO!!!

That’s how I feel today.  And I’m thankful for it.  🙂

 

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So then I get to work.  I walk in the door and see a little card propped in my keyboard on my desk.  It’s from my co-worker/boss, and here’s what it says:

I just wanted to write you a letter of encouragement.  It is hard to believe that it has already been a year since you started working here!  You have done a fantastic job and you were really a life saver!  We really don’t know what we would have done without your help!  The other day you were talking about how you weren’t really sure who you are and where your value comes from.  Well, first know that your value comes from God- and that is your purpose in life.  To serve Him.  If none of us had anything, we would still have everything because we have God.  Second, know that you are doing a good job at raising your children.  I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you to raise 3 children basically by yourself, but I can tell you’re putting all you have into it.  You are doing a great job even though I know at times you may get discouraged. Keep on keeping on!  Finally, you are doing a wonderful job here!  This work is reaching millions and millions of souls with the Gospel.  That is an important role and responsibility and you have and are doing a great job!  Just keep up the hard work and remember how appreciated and needed you are by all!

In Christ,

KP

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Now if that wasn’t a great way to start a day, I don’t know what was!  So I had to stop and be thankful for KP and all that I’m learning from him as a co-worker and boss who is so very rooted and grounded in everything God.  And then I booted up my computer and started working on things, and as I usually do, I browsed through some of the headlines on Yahoo.  I started reading some of the hurricane stories, and y’all… I know there are millions of people who have been affected.  Hundreds of thousands who still are without power, without running water…  I know that there are hundreds of thousands who have suffered and are suffering.  But my heart is with Glenda Moore more than any other.  She’s the woman who put her babies on top of the car to try to save them from the storm, and they got washed away anyway, and their bodies were just found recently.  Dear God in Heaven, how I feel for that woman!  How I pray that she knows that people all over the country and probably the world by now are sharing in her sorrow and praying for her comfort, and crying tears of sympathy with her.  I wish I knew some practical way to help, not only her, but all the storm victims.  I’m praying for them, for sure, and maybe right now that’s all I can do, but maybe it’s the most important thing.

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I can’t really think of a neat, tidy way to wrap this up, but maybe I just need to let what I’ve already said have its moment.  Blessings and love in Christ to all who read this.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Just Sayin’ October 8, 2012

Filed under: Fierce Woman Roaring,Mood Swings — DDKlingonGirl @ 4:19 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello all.  This post will be short and sweet.

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If you have a partner, if you have a lover, if you have a loved one, a husband, a wife, a significant other, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or any person occupying the role under some other name designation, someone to hold on to, someone to talk to, fight with, make up with, play and be silly with, sit in meaningful silence with, adore and sometimes hate, cling to and dream with, READ MY LIPS:  You are so lucky.  You are so much more blessed than you may be aware.  Or maybe not- maybe you’re fully aware of the miracle that is love, fully cognizant of the fact that it could possibly be only by Divine intervention that a schmuck like yourself found someone to have and hold.  Either way- when you lay yourself down at night, when you rise up at the break of day, and every insignificant moment in between:  BE THANKFUL!  Go to God on your knees every single day of your life and praise His name for the blessing that is Partnership.  Savor every second you have with that person and fight with all your soul the forces that threaten to make your life together less than Everything.   Again, just sayin’….

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This message brought to you on behalf of all those who are alone and sick of it.

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Perfect Match: 13 Things I Will Not Be Without in my Next Relationship Partner! July 4, 2012

"Ai," the traditional Chinese charac...

“Ai,” the traditional Chinese character for love (愛) consists of a heart (middle) inside of “accept,” “feel,” or “perceive,” which shows a graceful emotion. It can also be interpreted as a hand offering ones heart to another hand. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  I visited a website yesterday that I hadn’t been to in over 5 years- eHarmony.  I’m not sure what drew me there, exactly.  Curiosity, maybe?  I wanted to look again at the personality profile I’d made years and YEARS ago, and see how much it had changed, but for some reason it was unavailable.  I wasted a little time updating some profile information, and briefly (VERY briefly) considered forking over the money to have a membership again.  That was before I really looked at the prices and decided it was rather expensive for what it was, and I’d just procrastinate on that particular action a little longer.

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One profile I was able to see was the ‘Ideal Match‘ profile where it tells me in detail all about the person who would, in theory, be perfect for me.  It seemed like a lot of information, too much detail to take in or even share, but I wondered how much of it was relevant now, based on a bunch of questions I answered nearly 10 years ago!  So it got me thinking (And it also happened to be an assignment from my counselor, The Golden Goddess. See ‘Meet the Cast’).  What exactly are the vital qualities in someone I’d like to have in my life?  What do I want that person to be like?  So I whipped out my little notebook and started jotting down some thoughts, and here is what I discovered:

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1) Spirituality/Emotional Strength–  I want a fighter.  I want a faith-filled, non-giver-upper.  But they also need to be comfortable expressing their needs and leaning on me when they need to, and they need to be able to accept my encouragement and strength.  Most importantly, they need to have a strong basic faith/belief system/philosphy that they draw strength from.

2) Passionate–  They love deeply and strongly.  They enjoy every day.  They live to experience life.  They look for beauty and are open to experience.  They love to laugh and are not afraid to cry.

3) Bright/Intelligent/Curious– They can carry on a conversation, express their views and beliefs, and they’re open to learning.  They don’t mind reading a book!

4) Patient/Calm/Low boiling point– They can deal with me (and much more importantly, with my kids!) without losing their temper.  More preferredly, they don’t HAVE a temper!

5) Interested in health and fitness– Not dogmatic or preachy about it, but they care about their body and try to treat it right the majority of the time.  They enjoy some type of physical activity and exercise, and would be open to encouraging and competing with me in that area.

6) Affectionate– They like to hug and kiss, but are not overly showy in public.  They like to demonstrate their love through small gestures.  Fluent in all five Love Languages:  acts, gifts, time, words, touch.

7) Sexually balanced– Not frigid, but not oversexed.  They recognize that physical connection is a vital part of a healthy relationship and they are comfortable expressing needs and discussing problems in that area.

8) Musical/artistic/creative– They enjoy expressing themselves through some sort of creation or performance.  It could be anything- musical, visual, technical, mechanical, stylistic, written, etc.

9) Committed/trustworthy– When they give their word, it is as good as gold.  Whether it’s marriage vows or parental rules, they mean what they say and they stand behind it, and honor it.

10)Responsible (Financially, socially, and personally)- They work.  Financially they contribute equally.  They don’t abuse the environment unnecessarily.  They share equally the work around the house and  wouldn’t mind giving of their time to give back to society if they found the right opportunity.  They are balanced with money- not cheap, but not indiscriminate.  They accept and own their past and their choices, and are not afraid to look back on them, to see the good, try to find value, and look for lessons to apply.

11) Moral/honest/open– They try to do what’s right; they follow the law (mostly.  Speed limits are negotiable. 🙂 ).  They are truthful and they express their feelings and needs, encouraging and inviting me to do the same.  They accept my feelings as valid even if they feel differently.

12) Value autonomy- They recognize that we don’t have to be together every single minute to still be very deeply and strongly connected.  They have interests and they allow me mine, but they never let them come between us.

13) Faithful- They believe with all their soul that I am the best partner they could ever have.  They thank God for bringing me into their life, and they would never, ever, EVER be unfaithful, no matter what.

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So there it is.  The profile of Mr. Right.  It’s somewhat hard for me to put this out there, because I often feel like my kids are all I can handle in my life.  They are a huge focus,  but I very often wish wholeheartedly that I had someone to walk through life with, someone to love.  There are also many times when I think, ‘Well, I’ve had two chances and they’ve both ended.  Maybe that’s all the chances I get and I’m just going to have to learn to be complete in myself and accept my single-ness as permanent.’  Which is a little misleading, because I actually believe I need to be complete in myself anyway, to be able to be complete in a relationship, but that’s beside the point.  The point is, sometimes I feel ready, sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I feel like relationships are overrated, over-complicated, and not worth the time and trouble.  But when I see friends and family finding love, getting married, being happy, feeling like they found their soul mates, I just get a little jealous, darn it!  I long for that, I crave it.  I grieve when I think I may never have it. (And I feel guilty for not being satisfied with where I am, but that’s a whole other post.)

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Ah, love.  Both beautiful and terrible.  Thanks for sharing this with me, and if you really want to make me happy, leave a comment and tell me what’s on your “Won’t be without” list!

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Until next time,

D.

ETA:  I realized that a couple of vital bits of information on this subject were missing or ambiguous:  this person needs to be a man between the ages of 35 and 45.  Notice there is not one mention of physical appearance anywhere on this list.  Physical appearance is very less likely to be important to me than overall health and fitness.  That being said, however, taller than me is a plus. 😀

 

Simply Recommitting October 10, 2011

Hello all.  You know, sometimes, when I’m going through my day thinking, “I REALLY need to write a blog entry, I really need to update, etc.” I’ll sit down and try to write an entry and nothing really comes.  Often, I will just keep writing, rambling, ranting, and I’ll post the result, whether it’s good or bad, like that’s a cure for writer’s block, but it doesn’t mean that what I wrote has any quality to it.  That post may not necessarily be my true voice.  There’s something wrong with that.  There’s something wrong with a lot of things, and I am in the mood to change that.

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I went to a revival-type church service tonight that was sponsored by my sister’s church.  I had never heard of the speaker, a man named Ken Freeman.  My sister attends a Baptist church, but I got the feeling this man was inter-denominational in his preaching career, meaning he didn’t just go to one type of church.  His message was about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘great,’ and how we have to let go of certain things in order to fully accept God’s grace and blessings.  I realized there were a lot of things I have been holding on to, and I need to let go and re-commit.  I need to re-commit, not just in my spiritual life, but in everything- my job, my parenting, my health and fitness, and even my writing here. 

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So that’s what I’m doing.  Starting tonight, I am re-committing my life.  I am going to re-dedicate myself to my weight loss, my writing, my parenting, and most of all to a life that is dominated by Love.  Love for God, and love for my fellow human.  I need to work on showing Jesus to others through my life.  I’ve been in an ongoing cold war with a co-worker for weeks now, and I’ve made weak, pitiful attempts to pretend I was reaching out to her, to delude myself into thinking I was the bigger person by praying for her, but in reality I wasn’t willing to let go and truly acknowledge that I haven’t always been the Christian I am supposed to be.  I gave it lip-service, but I wasn’t willing to completely let down the barriers.  I’m still not.  I know I can’t trust her to be real and honest.  She is an excellent actor and faker- I’ve seen it.  My point is that I can’t worry about that.  I have to just say ‘You know what?  I’m recommitting to living for Jesus, and because I am, I choose to love you.  You can think what you want about me, you can like me or hate me, but I choose to love you in Jesus’ name, whether I can trust you or not.’  And really mean it, because I didn’t before.  I wanted to mean it, but the selfish, immature part of me said ‘Why do you have to mean it?  It doesn’t make any difference.  She’s not accepting your overtures, your gestures, your attempts.  What difference does it make if you really mean it?’  But I know now that I have to forgive all that, I have to forgive what she’s done to me, the hurt she has caused me, and I have to love her in Christ, and I cannot allow myself to add anything else to that sentence.  My judgement of her is irrelevant. 

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In addition to this, I have to be brave enough to re-commit to my health and fitness efforts.  I have done well.  I can say that.  I have lost almost one hundred and twenty pounds in almost 2 years.  But I have not been fully committed.  I have chosen to take easier roads- skip workouts, eat junk food.  I signed up for another 5k mud run as a volunteer, knowing I would be allowed to participate in the race for free as a volunteer, but thinking I wasn’t obligated to do the race if I chose not to.  That wasn’t committment, that was fear.  I completed the first one, the Dirty 30, back in July.  I did it on adrenaline, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what kinds of obstacles I’d face, but determined to tackle them no matter what.  In this next race, I know what kinds of things I might see, and I feared them.  I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to put that much effort out again, but now- I know I need to re-commit.  I need to grasp the fact that I have the strength to finish that race, complete the obstacles (or go around them if I have to) and finish.  I can’t be afraid that I might twist an ankle or a knee- I just have to take the steps. 

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I realize this entry has had a serious tone.  I usually like to try to be funny here, and I hope I succeed at that sometimes.  But tonight was a night for seriousness.  I had a talk with my kids on the way home from the revival tonight, because I have been really concerned for them in their spiritual lives, because they have not yet obeyed the gospel and been baptized.  Despite what some people may say or believe, I truly believe what I have been taught, that baptism is the point at which we are saved, and I want my children to be baptized and commit to living their lives for God.  I believe it is on their heart to do it, but they just haven’t taken the step.  I am praying that they make that decision soon, but at least I took the opportunity to share with them what I want for them- the peace that comes with knowing they are saved. 

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I’m not saying I have it all figured out, or that there aren’t sometimes brief moments when I question everything I’ve ever heard and wonder if maybe, possibly, it could all be crap.  But when it comes down to it, I’d rather just believe what I believe than buy into “something from nothing, for no reason, with no purpose, and nothing after, and nothing matters.”  It’s just not enough.

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And in the middle of all this recommitting, loving, being brave, and trying to bring my kids to heaven with me, I am going to embrace all I can possibly accomplish in this life that is fun and joyful and meaningful.  To that end, I can announce that my daughters’ senior trip in May is a done deal!  I booked the airfare today, so Lord willing, we’re definitely going!  We’re going to be Royal Carribean cruising fools!  Wooo hooooo!  Allure of the Seas, here we come!

Until next time,

D.

 

Futility and Future In Juxtaposition December 19, 2010

Hello all.  As per usual, I am in a fierce bad mood.  My kids are grumpy little homebody couch potatoes.  I was wanting to go to the candlelight service at my sister’s church, but they weren’t interested in going.  All they ever want to do is sit around and draw or play their stupid video games or watch movies or other mindless crap on YouTube.  And whose fault is it that they are the way they are?  Mine.  All mine.  I raised them.  I shaped them.  I formed them.  So if I sometimes can’t stand them, it’s my own stinking fault. 

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So, let’s see.  What else am I crabby about?  My co-worker stabbed me in the back by interfering with my mail at work and my boss won’t even confront her about it.  My house payment is about to go up.  My car needs a brake job, its transmission serviced, and a new windshield.  I will be alone and bored on New Year‘s Eve.  I want to find a different church.  I don’t know where I belong, career-wise speaking.  I am desperately hopeless about ever finding a long-lasting, successful relationship.  I am annoyed at myself for even wanting that, because I’m clearly not in a place where I can have a man in my life, because my dear children have made it clear that they want me all to themselves and they do not want me to have a man in my life (or at least theirs) until they are grown and out of the house and on their own.  At least, the girls have.  I don’t necessarily blame them, but anyway…The Boy would probably not mind, if the guy was a decent person who had the tiniest bit of rapport with him. 

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I guess I just woke up depressed this morning.  I don’t know why, exactly.  Just woke up bummed and cranky and crabby.  I tried to think of something to post on Facebook, but I couldn’t think of something that didn’t sound whiny and obnoxious, so I gave up.  I just can’t be one of those people who is constantly posting updates talking about how fabulously blessed and happy they are, and how perfect their life is, and how they are existing in a constant state of near-orgasmic bliss.  Who the heck is that happy ALL the darn time?!  Facebook is my nemisis.  My mother got irritated at me the other day because I unleashed a verbal slap-down on someone who ticked me off on Fb.  She says I spout off on there too much and put too much personal stuff on there.  Or maybe she was talking about here.  I’m not sure. 

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There is one tiny thing I’m looking forward to, and if anything happens to ruin it, I will have a monster-sized temper tantrum.  The kids never read my blog, so I could share it here, but I won’t, just in case.  I’ll just say that it’s something for the whole family that the kids don’t know about yet, that they will find out about as part of their Christmas.  I am sooooo looking forward to seeing their faces when they find out!  It is the one bright spot in my life at this moment. 

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So anyway.  Back to the love/relationship thing.  I had a dream the other night- I don’t remember if there was any more to it than this one part, but I was standing there with this guy I graduated with, and he said “I love you,” and I said “I love you.”  It was short and to the point, but the emotions were clearly intense.  I can’t imagine why I dreamed that, or why I dreamed about this particular guy.  All I know is that even though finding someone to love is clearly high on my list of desires, I can’t really picture being able to fit someone in my life right now.  Maybe the reason the entire subject is so depressing is that I’m still married!  On paper, at least, which does me no good whatsoever.  And as I said, the kids have already decreed that I am not allowed to remarry while they are still at home.  Granted, the girls are only 17 months away from graduating high school. (OMG- did I just say that!?)  But they probably won’t be leaving home for a couple of years after that.  Daughter S. wants to take classes at the local higher ed center for a year or two and then go to art school.  Daughter J.’s options and abilities are both slightly more limited, but she doesn’t really think in realistic terms anyway.  She wants to work for Disney.  Specifically, she wants to be a Disney “star,” as in one of those overrated teenage actors who stars in a Disney show, puts out music cds, and generally makes people wonder just WHO is in charge at Disney studios, anyway? 

*

The boy will be 10 in May, so he’s in the picture for a longer time.  I often wonder what it will be like when the girls do get out into the world on their own and it’s just me and Little Man.  I could do anything.  I could pick up and move to Alaska.  Or go teach ESL in Thailand.  Or move to Port Aransas.  There are possibilities.  I suppose if I were selfish and heartless, I could shove the girls out the door the minute they get home from graduation, ship The Boy off to live with his father, grab my backpack and hit the road in Europe or somewhere to go “find myself.”  But I don’t see that happening. 

*

It’s an intriguing, tantalizing idea, though.  It defiinitely is.

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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