The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

2013 By The Numbers, AKA Blog Stats! December 31, 2013

Filed under: The Cool Factor,Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 12:00 pm
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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,700 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 45 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

The Year Behind, The Year Ahead…

Path

Path (Photo credit: Guerito)

Hello all!  I have neglected my beloved blog for a couple of months now, and I do apologize.  I plan to do better with that in the future.  More on that shortly.  So!  It’s New Year’s Eve.  The Big One.  The last hoorah, as it were.  People everywhere are posting their year in review, and I am a total bandwagon-hopper, so here’s mine.  Enjoy!

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For starters, in 2013, nobody died.  Not in my family, at least.  Last year my father lost his mother and his baby sister in the same damn year.  It was pretty bad.  Thankfully this year, we have not lost any close family members.

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My weight loss efforts, on the other hand, suffered an untimely demise.  Well, maybe not entirely.  I have sort of continued to half-heartedly fight the battle of the bulge, but overall this year, I am up by 10 pounds since this time last year.

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Ah, the children.  Yes, of course.  From the beginning of this blog, my kiddos and their progress in life have been a continuing topic of discussion, and they are actually doing pretty well.  Daughter S. is taking college courses, and passing them, and although she is in a temporary lull with regard to having clarity on what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to do it, I think in general, she is in good shape.  Daughter J. is in a period of great growth and striving toward what she wants.  She has a job and a boyfriend and plans for her future.  Next on her list: she wants to learn to drive, and she wants to get married.  THAT particular goal of hers is going to require a lot of work and planning for her to be able to have independence, given her and her boyfriend’s developmental limitations.  Also a lot of therapy for ME, to be able to handle such an event.

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The Boy deserves his own paragraph.  After struggling his last few years in public school, we home-schooled last year, and this year we found him a small, private Christian school which uses a homeschool curriculum, and he seems to be growing and making progress and fitting in quite well.  He still has difficulties expressing himself appropriately when he gets really mad, (and he often gets mad for the most incomprehensible of reasons) but when it comes to the expression part, who doesn’t?!  Anyway.  His physical growth and changes in the past year are somewhat mind-blowing to me.  He has outgrown his sisters, his feet are bigger than mine, and I feel pretty certain by this time next year he will be taller than me as well.  NOT looking forward to that, I’ll just be honest.  He will be 13 in May.  For now I will just enjoy not having any teenagers in the house! (The girls turned 20 on November 29.)

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And where do we even begin with my own personal progress in 2013?  It has been a year of stretching my horizons and trying new things.  I took a solo vacation for the first time in my life, and traveled to Charleston, SC to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and it turned out AMAZING.  Even before that, though, I did the unthinkable.  I auditioned for community theater.  I got up on a stage and sang for a bunch of people I didn’t know, and just like the Charleston trip, it was an amazing thing for me.  I was cast in the Ardmore Little Theatre production of Les Miserables and made so many new friends.  It was literally a life-changing decision when I dug up from somewhere deep inside me the bravery to actually get up on that stage and try out

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If you have been reading me throughout this entire community theater journey, you will know that I also developed a major crush on someone from the theater, which followed me from June through December.  Unfortunately, the person about whom I was obsessing did not think I was special in the same way that I thought he was special.  Right about the time I got clear on that, he decided that one of my best friends was special in that way instead.  And after watching me pine for this person for six months, his sudden attention to her made her decide she thought he was special in that way, too.  That is one of the reasons I haven’t written much here lately.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this infatuation was a 15, so it has taken me some time to begin to heal from all of that.  But I am, finally.  I have had no other choice but to forgive, and my friend and I are still friends.  Possibly better friends than before.  At least, I hope so.

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Before all of this romantic drama happened, the theater journey continued with a leading role in a play that was making its world debut on our stage, which was something I NEVER thought I could do.  Wow.  I never thought I could act, and it turns out, I am not too bad at it.  It helps that the character I was playing was very close to my own personality, so I may not actually be as good an actress as I like to think, but we won’t dwell on that. 🙂   The journey is scheduled to continue as, a week from tonight, I audition for the next ALT production, Young Frankenstein.  I only hope for a chorus part in that one as well.

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To wind up the year, I have been conducting a personal test in the last week or two.  After all the drama with my friend and The Crush hit the fan, I deactivated my Facebook temporarily.  As you will know if you have read me much, Facebook was one of my major outlets, the primary way I connect with people, but I decided it was best if I take a break.  I had said I would probably reactivate it after the New Year, but we’ll see.

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This is getting long, so very briefly, my hopes for 2014:  just happiness.  Beyond that, I’m open.

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My GOALS, on the other hand, are a whole other story.  I want to renew my Weight Watchers efforts with enough dedication and determination that I will remain on the downward slide with regard to scale numbers, and be under 200lbs by this time next year.  I want to steal one of my little sister’s goals and make it a point to connect more with my family.  I want to start saving for my Long Dreamed Of Trip to Alaska for my 45th birthday (which isn’t until 2017!).  And finally, I might just write a book.  My poetry got a lot of attention in 2013, and I hope to draw on some connections I made from that, and maybe let it take me somewhere.

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Above all, I am going to TRY to live in the moment.  Wherever I am, I am going to be intensely focused on being there.  Enjoying where I am, what I am doing, and WHO I am with.  I am not going to be wishing I could be somewhere else or with someone else (read: a romantic relationship).  I am going to focus on trying to be myself, love myself, and perhaps in 2014, finally grow up.  The following are two quotes I want to try to live by in 2014:

If it’s not challenging you, it’s not changing you.

And

Life is a result of the choices you make.  If you don’t like your life, start making better choices.

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HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!

Until next time,

D.

 

Dear 2012 December 28, 2012

Through the Looking-Glass -- and the parallel ...

Through the Looking-Glass — and the parallel universe Alice found there (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  The end of a year and the beginning of a new one is always a time for reflection and for looking forward.  (Thank you for allowing me to state the obvious.)  After two years of high levels of motivation, 2010 and 2011, in which I focused on Transformation and Motion/Action, 2012 was basically a year to just sort of endure, survive, and regroup- to just cling to the raft and ride the waves.  I didn’t have a clear goal for this year.  There were several big events I was anticipating, and they worked out very much as expected- they were good.  Unfortunately, there have been some pretty negative events this year as well, though fortunately the worst of them weren’t blindsiding, out of the blue catastrophes, thank you Jesus!  So I think I’ll just work through my thoughts and feelings in an open letter to the year itself.  To wit:

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Dear 2012,

Well, you’re done.  Thank goodness, because you’ve really been all over the map.

In January, Daughter J. had major surgery, followed by a long recovery period and a lot of time out of school.  January was otherwise unremarkable, except that it meant we were finally in the same calendar year as our much-anticipated cruise vacation.  More on that later.

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We thought you were going to be a generally good year, but then February came- my dad’s mother died, an event which was not exactly unexpected, but which might have set the tone for the year ahead.  I know- it’s not your fault, it has to happen sometime.  You just happened to be the one.

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March and April were ok, I think.  Neither praise nor censure for those.  The girls had their Senior Prom in April, which they didn’t originally want to attend, but they finally became convinced they’d regret not going, and would probably enjoy it well enough if they went.  And it wasn’t some big Evening of a Lifetime, but they had a decent night- enough to make it worth the time and $$ spent on the dresses.

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May was full of events- The Boy’s 11th birthday, my baby sister’s Bridal Shower.  These were memorable, but somewhat smaller compared with much-discussed events like Baccalaureate and Graduation.  I had gone on and on about how I’d cry and it would all be terribly tear-jerking and dramatic.  It wasn’t.  In an ironic twist, despite long-past divorce and separation and new spouses and new families, their father and I sat together at their graduation, like some weird, nostalgic parallel universe kind of thing.  But it felt nice.  Their graduation was all we could have hoped it would be.

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Late May, early June was The Cruise.  The thing I had been planning and waiting for since February of the year before.  It was kind of your peak, I think, both graphically and emotionally.   Everything was built up to this trip.  But really, all of June was pretty full- we came back from the trip and there was The Weekend of My Sister’s Wedding.  Her wedding was beautiful, and I spent a nice, never-to-be-forgotten moment with an old friend.   June still wasn’t finished- we had a family reunion road trip to Colorado.  It also played out as expected.

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July was different.  Things happened.  People I cared about struggled.  I tried to meet new people online, and that endeavor was by turns successful and extremely exasperating.

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August was a low point.  Hit a couple of walls with a couple of friendships.  New efforts in Educating The Boy proved stressful- online public school, which didn’t last long, followed by Variations on a Theme of Homeschooling, which we still haven’t really ironed out yet.  Also, one daughter started college.

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September was a milestone- I turned 40.  Sometimes I don’t feel like 40.  Sometimes I feel like 23, and sometimes I feel like 90.  I feel like 23 when I think of what I know and understand about The World- politics, economics, history…  I feel like 90 when I think of all the relationships and friendships and acquaintance-ships that I’ve been through, and they just never seem to turn out like they’re supposed to.  Or maybe they do turn out like they’re supposed to, but I’m having trouble being ok with that.

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October.  Again, pretty uneventful, except as a workplace anniversary- one year at my new job.  I’m loved and appreciated and needed at this ministry.  It’s cushy, with regard to those annoying parts of working like being there on a rigid schedule, figuring out what to do with your kid while you work.  That kind of thing.  But for some reason, I still can’t feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.  Right now, from one perspective, “my life” doesn’t matter- I need to be working wherever I can support my family and also have options for Educating The Boy.  Whether I feel any deep personal fulfillment or not- kinda irrelevant.  If in the midst of all this career uncertainty I could feel that I’m doing the right thing for my son, it would be one thing, but I’m still not sure he’s getting what he needs, or even exactly what that is or where to find it.

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November- Thanksgiving.  The girls’ 19th birthday.  Pretty good stuff.

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December.  As if it weren’t going to be tough enough for my dad, he loses his younger sister in the same year he lost his mother.  Right before the holidays.  The holidays, too, were slightly different this year- new families’ schedules to be juggled, breaks with tradition.  Not bad, just different.

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And through it all, the struggle with the Weight Watchers thing.  Working hard to “be good” up to the cruise, so as to fit into our Formal Night outfit.  Achieving our record low weight (this time) right about mid-June and falling off the Physical Cliff afterward, which was less a cliff and more a tilted-deck-of-the-Titanic incline.  Clinging by our claws to a little bit of self-control as the deck seems to tilt faster, playing with that morbid curiosity of just letting go and seeing how far we fall and what it feels like when we finally hit something.  Oh, and we quit exercising in June, too. We lost our motivation.  We don’t know why we’re speaking in plural at the moment.

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And so, 2012, you’ve been a year of long-anticipated events, milestones, changes, and a few shining moments.  A year of losses.  A year of struggles.  You could have been better, but you could have been worse, so way to go there.  It feels like you were abnormal.  Different.  Out of the ordinary.  But I don’t think you were.  I think you were just another mile of the journey.  I think from you I learned not to set unrealistic expectations.  I learned that there is a time to every purpose under heaven, and sometimes that time isn’t when we want it to be.  I learned that the struggle doesn’t end until the journey does.  I’m going to let you go now, and focus on what I want from your successor.  Wish me luck.  It’s been real.

 

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
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