The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

The Year Behind, The Year Ahead… December 31, 2013


Path (Photo credit: Guerito)

Hello all!  I have neglected my beloved blog for a couple of months now, and I do apologize.  I plan to do better with that in the future.  More on that shortly.  So!  It’s New Year’s Eve.  The Big One.  The last hoorah, as it were.  People everywhere are posting their year in review, and I am a total bandwagon-hopper, so here’s mine.  Enjoy!


For starters, in 2013, nobody died.  Not in my family, at least.  Last year my father lost his mother and his baby sister in the same damn year.  It was pretty bad.  Thankfully this year, we have not lost any close family members.


My weight loss efforts, on the other hand, suffered an untimely demise.  Well, maybe not entirely.  I have sort of continued to half-heartedly fight the battle of the bulge, but overall this year, I am up by 10 pounds since this time last year.


Ah, the children.  Yes, of course.  From the beginning of this blog, my kiddos and their progress in life have been a continuing topic of discussion, and they are actually doing pretty well.  Daughter S. is taking college courses, and passing them, and although she is in a temporary lull with regard to having clarity on what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to do it, I think in general, she is in good shape.  Daughter J. is in a period of great growth and striving toward what she wants.  She has a job and a boyfriend and plans for her future.  Next on her list: she wants to learn to drive, and she wants to get married.  THAT particular goal of hers is going to require a lot of work and planning for her to be able to have independence, given her and her boyfriend’s developmental limitations.  Also a lot of therapy for ME, to be able to handle such an event.


The Boy deserves his own paragraph.  After struggling his last few years in public school, we home-schooled last year, and this year we found him a small, private Christian school which uses a homeschool curriculum, and he seems to be growing and making progress and fitting in quite well.  He still has difficulties expressing himself appropriately when he gets really mad, (and he often gets mad for the most incomprehensible of reasons) but when it comes to the expression part, who doesn’t?!  Anyway.  His physical growth and changes in the past year are somewhat mind-blowing to me.  He has outgrown his sisters, his feet are bigger than mine, and I feel pretty certain by this time next year he will be taller than me as well.  NOT looking forward to that, I’ll just be honest.  He will be 13 in May.  For now I will just enjoy not having any teenagers in the house! (The girls turned 20 on November 29.)


And where do we even begin with my own personal progress in 2013?  It has been a year of stretching my horizons and trying new things.  I took a solo vacation for the first time in my life, and traveled to Charleston, SC to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and it turned out AMAZING.  Even before that, though, I did the unthinkable.  I auditioned for community theater.  I got up on a stage and sang for a bunch of people I didn’t know, and just like the Charleston trip, it was an amazing thing for me.  I was cast in the Ardmore Little Theatre production of Les Miserables and made so many new friends.  It was literally a life-changing decision when I dug up from somewhere deep inside me the bravery to actually get up on that stage and try out


If you have been reading me throughout this entire community theater journey, you will know that I also developed a major crush on someone from the theater, which followed me from June through December.  Unfortunately, the person about whom I was obsessing did not think I was special in the same way that I thought he was special.  Right about the time I got clear on that, he decided that one of my best friends was special in that way instead.  And after watching me pine for this person for six months, his sudden attention to her made her decide she thought he was special in that way, too.  That is one of the reasons I haven’t written much here lately.  On a scale of 1 to 10, this infatuation was a 15, so it has taken me some time to begin to heal from all of that.  But I am, finally.  I have had no other choice but to forgive, and my friend and I are still friends.  Possibly better friends than before.  At least, I hope so.


Before all of this romantic drama happened, the theater journey continued with a leading role in a play that was making its world debut on our stage, which was something I NEVER thought I could do.  Wow.  I never thought I could act, and it turns out, I am not too bad at it.  It helps that the character I was playing was very close to my own personality, so I may not actually be as good an actress as I like to think, but we won’t dwell on that. 🙂   The journey is scheduled to continue as, a week from tonight, I audition for the next ALT production, Young Frankenstein.  I only hope for a chorus part in that one as well.


To wind up the year, I have been conducting a personal test in the last week or two.  After all the drama with my friend and The Crush hit the fan, I deactivated my Facebook temporarily.  As you will know if you have read me much, Facebook was one of my major outlets, the primary way I connect with people, but I decided it was best if I take a break.  I had said I would probably reactivate it after the New Year, but we’ll see.


This is getting long, so very briefly, my hopes for 2014:  just happiness.  Beyond that, I’m open.


My GOALS, on the other hand, are a whole other story.  I want to renew my Weight Watchers efforts with enough dedication and determination that I will remain on the downward slide with regard to scale numbers, and be under 200lbs by this time next year.  I want to steal one of my little sister’s goals and make it a point to connect more with my family.  I want to start saving for my Long Dreamed Of Trip to Alaska for my 45th birthday (which isn’t until 2017!).  And finally, I might just write a book.  My poetry got a lot of attention in 2013, and I hope to draw on some connections I made from that, and maybe let it take me somewhere.


Above all, I am going to TRY to live in the moment.  Wherever I am, I am going to be intensely focused on being there.  Enjoying where I am, what I am doing, and WHO I am with.  I am not going to be wishing I could be somewhere else or with someone else (read: a romantic relationship).  I am going to focus on trying to be myself, love myself, and perhaps in 2014, finally grow up.  The following are two quotes I want to try to live by in 2014:

If it’s not challenging you, it’s not changing you.


Life is a result of the choices you make.  If you don’t like your life, start making better choices.



Until next time,



Saying Goodbye to Another Successful Production! November 4, 2013

Back row, L-R: Ezra, William, DeeAnne, Savannah, Bobby, Roger. Front Row, L-R: Denise, Ruth, Terri, Chelsae, Zac.

Hello all!  It has been a while, but I have returned.  My latest endeavor, my first attempt at acting, is now in the history books.  Ardmore Little Theatre’s premiere production of Secrets of the Buttermilk Hotel ended its run yesterday with a matinee performance at 2:30.  Sigh.  Now what?


I really enjoyed it though.  From the first read-through to the end of set-strike, I have had a great experience.  Meeting new people is always great, and there were several I didn’t know on this production.  AND… nights on end spent hanging out with the people I already know and love = always a plus.  🙂


A couple of nights ago, we were hanging out after the show, and some of the group were already talking about the next production, which is Young Frankenstein, and for which auditions don’t take place until the first week of January. I expressed my feeling that I wasn’t sure I had it in me to audition again.  I have done one musical and one play, and it took just about all I had to get up there and audition on those two occasions.  At that moment, talking about it the other night, I just couldn’t picture having the guts to get up there another time.  BUT.  (There’s always a BUT) Last night when I got home from set-strike, I was still covered with sawdust and I was already sitting there wondering what song I might use if I DID audition.  So yeah, definitely hooked, I’m afraid.


But for the time being, I am just happy and content to have had such a successful and enjoyable time in my first play.  Here are some pics of the cast and the set.

Buttermilk cast photo2

Characters: Luna Mooney/Della, Finis Whitless, Donald Wayne Pugh, Floyd Gallaway/Hank Treadwell, Delphine Sykes, Cecil Pickens, Betty Jean McWheaton, J.H. Haynes. (Front) Emily Rake, Madame Zolavitch, Sarah Rake.

Buttermilk at night

Stage creation at its best!

Just to demonstrate how quickly the changeover happens- 24 hours after the show ends, the stage is clean and bare  again.

































The hardest part was not cracking up when the audience would laugh.  When we were doing something that we knew was funny, and was absolutely intended to draw laughs, I always had a hard time keeping a straight face.  But I think the absolute best moment, when there was just ZERO chance of maintaining composure and staying in character… I swear, it was just like the Carol Burnett show,  we had a sound glitch, and a recorded clip of a character pretending to speak into a microphone was played as the longer version instead of the shorter version we were expecting!  It just went on and on, and as we cracked up, the audience caught on that it was not supposed to be happening that way and that we couldn’t NOT laugh, they laughed with us and absolutely roared! It was great!  I guess I can put that on the list of things I still have to learn:  how not to crack up when our efforts are doing what they’re supposed to do- getting laughs!


Anyway.  I had a great time, I love this place, I love these people, and I can’t wait to work on the next one!


Until next time,


Our fearless leader, our beloved director and friend, Carl Clark, of the Moonlight Writers.

Our fearless leader, our beloved director and friend, Carl Clark, of the Moonlight Writers.



Another New Experience- Open Mic Night! October 24, 2013

Hello all!  Last night I participated in an Open Mic Night in conjunction with the Oklahoma Arts Conference that took place here this week.  The evening was completely enjoyable, and I was very glad to see old friends, meet new people, and make important connections.   I thought I would highlight the four poems I read last night in a single post.  All of these are, or are about to be, on my Poetry and Fiction page also.  Enjoy!


Maybe It’s Monday

When you can’t get a kid to get off the bed,

when you can’t find a shoe or a sock,

when the windshield is frosted and the steering is dead,

and the bread is as hard as a rock,

when the cereal’s gone and the milk’s gone too,

when the cat leaves a mess on the floor,

when it’s 8:25 and it’s time to be there

and the kids are just now out the door,

and friends need some money and cars need gas

and you’re sleepy and tired off your..

well, you know.

Odds are there’s one simple reason for this,

why everything turns out this way.

It may be your luck or it may just be fate,

but more likely, maybe it’s MONDAY!!



Bonsai Life

Growing for years,

Beginning to be established.

Life is the Ultimate Gardener.

I am Cut Down and Brutalized.

I am nothing but a Stump.

But after successive Springs

gradually New Shoots grow.

New leaves to disguise

The Scars.

A little guidance; I am Wired.

And soon

I am smaller.

A more compact version

of what I was.

But more deliberately shaped

and trained.

I am an Art Form.


8-11-10   10:35 a.m.


Road Trip

Roaming through the countryside,

Acres of parched fields,

Or lush green crops proudly thriving,

Somebody’s sweat and blood and tears.

The world is quiet

Until history begins to speak to you.

For everywhere you look,

The past comes alive.

From the gnarled tree-branch fence posts,

Standing faithfully

Since some sturdy old farmer put them there,

To the gray, abandoned shacks

Along the way,

Each with its peekaboo roof and sagging porch

Ever so slowly disintegrating

With the passage of time.

Once someone’s pride and joy,

Perhaps the culmination of their dreams.

Rows of ancient cars and trucks,

Fine old machines from an era gone by,

Where young men on back roads tested their fates

And young ladies in back seats determined theirs,

Now reduced to rusted out shells.

The world as it once was

Stirs, gives itself a shake,

And comes forward to greet you.

DD  8-9-02  6:10 pm



Under a table hides a young boy,

battered and beaten a broken toy.

Across the room a mama cries,

the hurting, the hitting, the pain in her eyes.

Between the two survives a bond

for love and forgiveness to build upon.

Around them both the empty walls

the echoing silence, the desolate halls.

Beside the chair where the mama weeps,

a bottle of medicine that helps her sleep.

Nights stretch endless when she can’t NOT think.

In desperation she picks up a drink.

And in the morning her little son begs

for biscuits and gravy or bacon and eggs.

Behind the fridge door there’s nothing he wants.

His hungry eyes taunt her, his wailing voice haunts

Until she can’t take it, endurance worn thin,

her hand lands the blows again and again.

He runs for a safe place. She drops into a chair.

Again her heart shatters for the pain they both bear.

Desperate to hold him, she calls to her boy

hiding under the table, like a broken toy.

But he follows her voice and she clasps his small form

and clings to her child, the lifeline in a storm.

Through tears she says she’s sorry and that she loves him so.

He snuggles closer to her and says, “Mommy, I know.”

DD: 08/23/11 9:07am


And this is one I wrote yesterday but didn’t get to read, which I wrote for all the new friends I have met in the last few months since the beginning of my involvement with Ardmore Little Theatre.

Theater People

Theater People are Friendly People.

Because you never know- that girl you talk to, while standing in line to buy paint for the next big monster set designed by possibly masochistic crazy men…might just be the next big star.

And speaking of Monster Sets-

Theater People are Achy People.

Entire weekends spent climbing ladders, bracing studs, steadying walls, standing bent double with a drill in hand, and painting all day on your knees…is as good a workout as any you can get from a trainer!

Theater People are Hurried People.

Because that monster set, with all its painting and leveling, wiring and plum-lining, has to go from bare stage to showplace in three weeks, and back to bare stage in one night!  And lines must be learned, and blocking changed, and costumes discussed and it all must happen immediately if not sooner!

And speaking of too many things to do-

Theater People are Drowsy People.

After working all day at “real” jobs like managers, teachers, and secretaries, Theater People show up to devote hours to rehearsals, construction, learning lines, and staying up all night texting because they just like each other that much.

And speaking of liking each other-

Theater People are Flirty People-

Working closely, often too closely, with Big Egos, Applause Hounds, Spotlight Whores, and sometimes the quiet but surprisingly passionate character who observes from the sidelines, what starts in the theater…doesn’t always STAY in the theater!

And speaking of Staying in the Theater-

Theater People are Devoted People.

Because despite being friendly and hurried and achy and drowsy and flirty, there is always drama and comedy, and tension and dissention, but stage bios are 30 years long, friendships are measured in decades, and hugs are distributed freely, because Theater People…. Are A Family!

DD  10/22/2013  10:20 AM


Thanks for reading!  Until next time,



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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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