The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Lonely Monkey Syndrome August 9, 2013

Lonely Monkey Ape at Zoo

Lonely Monkey Ape at Zoo (Photo credit: epSos.de)

Hello all.  So here’s the deal.  I’m feeling a little down, drowsy, and blah today.  I realize that compared to my post yesterday, it’s the polar opposite, but if you’ve been reading me longer than five minutes, you know that’s how I roll.  I call it emotional bungee jumping.  Anyway.  It’s not that I just feel that way for the fun of it.  The problem lies in the area of social media and how some of us connect nowadays.  In short- Facebook.  I know I talk about it a lot.  It’s one of my most frequently used outlets to connect and reach out to friends, family, and assorted others.   I acknowledge this and I’m ok with it.  That’s not exactly the problem.

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The problem here is that I am a Facebook OVER-user.  I am constantly getting flack from some people in my life who tell me that I put too much stuff out there.  I post too much of my daily life, my thoughts and feelings, what I had for lunch (healthy eating victories), what socks I’m wearing (random urge to wear Christmas socks in July), what I did at work (Les Mis withdrawals and a mini desk-barricade), and random song lyrics that pop into my head (because I work with one headphone in my ear as much as possible and I have my entire iTunes on shuffle, so there’s no telling what comes up.)  So yeah, I’m one of THOSE Fb people, but I do have some self-control:  I don’t share a lot of recipes, political posts, Like this Page if You Love God, Keep Scrolling if you’re heartless, etc.  Those are dumb.  Ok, not the recipes.

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I’m really trying hard here, to make this a well-thought out discourse on why people are the way they are with regard to social media.  In my own case, it has to do with my work environment.  I work in a church building, as the secretary for a TV/Radio/Internet ministry overseen by the elders of this particular congregation.  I sit in a big empty room, I answer the phone and send free Bible CDs and DVDs to people who call and request them or send an email form.  I am frequently the only one in the building, and even when I’m not, I don’t talk much to the 2 or 3 people who are here.  In short- I have no interaction!  I’m not in the public, I’m not dealing with customers, other than briefly on the phone.  It’s quiet, and it’s dull.  I order supplies, I duplicate and label DVDs and CDs, I pay bills and make deposits from donations.  That’s it.  Basically, I think I over-use Fb because I’m a little bored and a lot un-challenged.  And lonely.  That too.  Facebook is like being with your friends, even when you’re not.  And insanely, you miss them when they aren’t on it anymore if that was your main method of contact!  I’ll say it again:  Facebook is like being with your friends, even when you’re not.

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Ok, so we know that, and we know it’s just how some people use the site.  Fine, what’s the problem?  Well, it’s the struggle between just being who you are, doing what you do, and not caring if people think you are a big old NERD… and knowing that this is something that brings you comfort and enjoyment but people think you’re a dork for it.  THAT is my problem.  I know, I’ve been told more than once that I worry way too much about what people think.  Noted.  But that struggle is the source of my mood today!  When I’m bored and lonely, I feel like posting some random boring junk on social media, but I know that I am in essence making a bigger fool out of myself with each ‘like,’ comment, and share.  Which makes the mood worse, and it all just sort of rolls downhill.

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Blessed are those who are not aware that Facebook over-usage is self-embarrassment and can like, share, and comment to their heart’s content.  I either need to Facebook (in its verb sense) less, learn how to not care what people think, or do more things with friends in real life.  Maybe all three.  Alternatively, maybe I just need a more active, interesting, challenging, and people-related job!  You think? 🙂

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Until next time,

D.

 

Loving Learning, Sharing Experience, and Being Honest April 5, 2013

English: Infographic on how Social Media are b...

English: Infographic on how Social Media are being used, and how everything is changed by them. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!  There is so much I want to say today.  I spent the first half of today at my alma mater, visiting my favorite college professors.  I even got to sit in on a class- Honors Philosophy and Ethics.  It was cup-filling, soul refreshing, wonderful.  I don’t think it’s possible to understate how much I love being on a college campus, roaming the grounds, searching musty-smelling library shelves, sitting in a classroom…there’s just something magical about the whole atmosphere.  I love seeing traditional college students, thinking about what a great time in their lives this is supposed to be- that first foray into adult independence when they go off to school.  And then…I remember that I’ve had that, and you can’t really re-create it into infinity.  It’s meant to be a certain time in your life, not the totality of a life.  That said, I am seriously considering beginning to look into graduate programs and/or adjunct teaching positions solely for the purpose of hanging out in the World of College.

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I have also been looking at a lot of other blogs through links on Twitter, and there are so many writing challenges I would like to be taking part in, ((A to Z Blogging Challenge, NaPoWriMo, etc.) so many great things to read, so many great things waiting to be written.  And possibly some mundane, average, mediocre things to be written, but I enjoy the process of creating too much to back down just because the result might not be amazingly deep or clever.  And I think the rest of the world does too- they are just becoming trained to do it in 140 character Tweets or Facebook status updates, except for the writers and bloggers who can’t contain themselves to such limited venues.  The urge to create and share seems to be an overwhelming human instinct.  Or the current social media landscape is speeding up the evolutionary process toward making it so.  Either way, I’m pretty sure self-expression has never been quite so widespread, varied, and popular.

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Poetry.  I mentioned NaPoWriMo, both above and in my previous post, and I would love, love, LOVE to be posting something new and awesome here that fits that definition, but…how do I say this?  The things inside me that want to come out in that form- I need to save them for myself right now.  They just don’t really fit the mold of ‘Made For Public Consumption.’  I’ve sort of created this blog to be easily accessible from my real world life, and unfortunately I haven’t really achieved my tagline of being my True Self in front of all those people.  I might feel the need to apologize.  Explain.  Defend.  Justify.  Rationalize.  Stuff I don’t really want to do, because we’re talking about my unique feelings and experiences, and I’m entitled to those, in all their gory glory or their desolate, blowing emptiness, or their rich, deep beauty.  They are mine, not my readers’ but when I put them out there for the world to see, they become my readers’ too, to interact with, share, relate to, or even disdain.  I guess I’m just not ready for that level of intimacy.  It’s risky.  But so is life, I guess.

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That may be my point- as anonymous as blogging, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagramming, and all the rest ARE, they are also a form of intimacy, or they can be.  Letting someone into your head- your thoughts and feelings.  Or maybe that’s just blogging the way I do it.  I’m not sure that I’m not just wading in deep BS at this point.  It’s just that people are always trying to break off that intimacy.  You’ve seen it- we’ve all seen it.  A friend or follower decides they’ve had enough of the social media scene, dramatically exit whatever stage they’re on, Twitter, Facebook, or whatever it is, but like a co-dependent relationship, they always come back.  There’s just something about that connection with other people, creating, sharing, that keeps us reactivating those accounts.  It’s understandable and inevitable.

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ANYWAY…

Here’s a short snippet of the poem that’s forming itself in my head:

I was talking about you.

It meant YOU, damn it.

It referred to how it is for me,

seeing your name, your face, your words

and how it’s a fresh gut punch every time it happens.

How I hate the way I’d rather feel that punch

Than lose touch again.

How I know we’ll never be

what we might once have wanted to be,

but what we are is enough.

It is too much.  It is not enough. It is enough.

And I don’t know why, but it is what it is.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Just Keep Swimming April 1, 2013

Filed under: Mood Swings,Sweatin' It Out! — DDKlingonGirl @ 4:35 pm
Tags: , , , , ,
Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States.

Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Feeling the urge to write today, but not really feeling what I want to say, so that tells me I’m just looking for an outlet.  A vent.  An escape hatch.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to do any of that today.  I wanted to write a post last week all about the marriage equality thing that was causing firestorms all over Facebook and elsewhere.  I wrote some notes on things that I wanted to say about it, but I can’t seem to find the right moment.  Sadly, I haven’t spoken my mind because I know how it will be received, and quite frankly, I’m just not up to the criticism.  That should give you a clue.

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My new presence on Twitter (@DDKlingonGirl) is taking off rather slowly.  I have “protected my Tweets” so that people have to send me a request to follow.  I did this because I didn’t want any fake profiles, spammers, or porn-promos following me, and I’ve already had to reject about 10 of them.  Also because I really didn’t plan to stay on there after The Blathering, unless I make some really good friends through the experience.

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Ok, maybe I do need to say one vent-y thing, and I know I’m not in a solo boat here:  I hate mood swings!  In the dictionary under ‘just want to cry’ it says see me.  Some things in life just keep turning up like a bad penny, and it seems like they show up for no other reason than just to jack with your mind.  My eating habits, my thoughts about church stuff, my plans for my son’s education, and a few other things come to mind.  I wish I had insurance, because I’m about 99% sure I need to be on meds for bipolar, at the very least.  (My regular long-time readers’ response:  “Ya THINK!?”)  Or maybe I am just a moody sort of person who needs an attitude adjustment from time to time?

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Anyway.  It’s all good, because as soon as I get off work (about 45 minutes from now) I plan to go to my mom’s work fitness center and do my C25k.  Just hit the treadmill until I can shake this off.  And also, I’m going to look forward to next weekend.  I’ve got a new experience planned!  I’m going to Medieval Faire up in Norman.  Partly because I love that stuff and I’ve always wanted to go to one, but primarily to check out one of the Irish bands that’s playing.   I used to talk to one of the band’s members on an online dating site, and I’ve never heard him play.  🙂  That sounds like stalking, doesn’t it?  Maybe I shouldn’t admit to that.  Oh well.

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Opposite of Yesterday March 20, 2013

Filed under: Lovin' Life,Mood Swings,Victories! — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race.

JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race. (Photo credit: JOG offshore yacht racing)

Hello all.  Ok, I just re-read my last post, and y’all- I am such a whiner-baby!  Really.  I am so thankful for all my friends, family, and assorted others who endure repeat after repeat of posts like yesterday’s where I am always on the same darned hamster wheel, yet still continue to read me- it makes me feel so loved.  BUT… you know what?  Sometimes, just sometimes, getting it all out and venting a little can be a good thing.

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Specifically, I’m thinking of the exercise thing.  Yesterday was a workout day, and I wanted to get my C25k workout in, but I figured the high school track was still closed and I didn’t really want to do it around my neighborhood.  Ridiculous, I know.  Just bear with me.  So it was about half an hour before I had to leave work, and suddenly it occurred to me:  Why not do my workout… at work?  I work in a church building.  My actual office area is this huge wide-open space, tucked away from the rest of the building, just right for this sort of thing.  So I did it!   I started the app, set my phone down on the corner of a desk on the far side of the room, and took off!  My knees were still a little achy, and I definitely wasn’t setting any land speed records, but I did it!  And since I wasn’t carrying my phone with me, I wasn’t tempted to keep watching the time and feeling overwhelmed.  This was Week 3 Day 1, and I completed it perfectly!  I jogged both of the 3-minute segments and both of the 90-second segments, AND I did arm exercises as well during the walking parts!  And the 3-minute jogging segments that I was so worried about? They were not bad at all!  The workout seemed to go by really quickly, and I felt happy and satisfied with myself, and just… pretty fierce!

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AND… I also came up with the idea to set a timer on my phone to help me hit my WW ActiveLink baseline.  Every 45 minutes or so, I’ve been walking from my little corner in the building alllll the way up to the opposite front corner of the building and going up and down the stairs a couple of times.

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AND… I studied the Help and FAQ sections on Twitter so I kind of get more what it’s all about now, and I might feel a little less inept at actually using it.

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AND… the kids will be going to visit their father for a few days this week, so I will have some time available to cultivate friendships or relationships by maybe inviting someone out to do something.

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There, see?  Ranting, raving and venting can actually sometimes serve a purpose.  Once you’ve gotten all the aggravation and frustration out of the way, you can actually start to consider solutions.  Which is also the focus of this blog post I read today.  I wish I could write more like she does, but at least I can share it and point people in her direction.  Another goodie I found was this post.  I read the obituary she mentioned and thought, “What a great way to go!”

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Basically, I’m on the opposite end of the swing from where I was yesterday, which is always good.  Another thing I’ve been wanting to talk about is that I use the YouVersion app on my phone, and I found a new version/edition/whatever the right word is, of the Bible that I am really enjoying reading.  Now, I know that some of these “contemporary English” versions of the Bible are suspect at best and completely corrupt at worst, but this one seems pretty good so far.  I have been reading it every day this week, which I have needed to do for a long time but just haven’t done.  This version makes it really easy.  I decided I was going to start at the beginning and read the whole thing when I was flipping through and found the part where Jesus is being tempted by Satan, you know?  And in the older English versions he says “Get thee behind me, Satan” but in this one he says “Beat it, Satan!”  I just burst out laughing.  That has never before happened while reading the Bible, and I thought it was pretty great.  So anyway.  I will have to do some more research and see if this version has any serious flaws or problems, but for now, I highly recommend The Message if you use YouVersion.

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Well, I’m behind schedule on my ActiveLink hike, so I’ll shut it down here for now.  Thanks for reading!

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Until next time,

D.

P.S.  I was looking for images of crossing the finish line, breaking the tape, etc. for this post, and couldn’t find one I liked, but I just thought this sailboat picture was beautiful and happy.

 

The Cork Must Blow Sometime March 18, 2013

Charleston and Old Customs House

Charleston and Old Customs House (Photo credit: Smudge 9000)

Hello all.  I haven’t written a serious/thoughtful/really good post here in too long to think about, but I don’t have one today either.  I just feel like writing.  Today is one of those days.  You know, the kind of day where if I really let myself, I could absolutely wallow in bad mood, feeling completely unsuccessful at every aspect of my life.  If you’ll bear with me, the top ten things on my mind today are as follows:

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1.  I am not relationshippy.  I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to dinner parties or play bridge or any of that stuff.  This is an aspect of my life that I’m pretty unhappy with at the moment, but I don’t know where to look to change it.  I can’t think of anybody in particular (who’s near me) that I really want to hang out with, who has the time or energy or desire.  And the whole dating thing?  My future in the world of romantic relationships?! Forget it.  In the dictionary under hopeless it says see that.  I know, that’s not true, I might find someone eventually.  But given the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage religious issue, and how I can’t seem to lay that to rest, I will probably be much happier if I just give up on the whole idea.

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2.  Someone here at work left a huge jar of peanut butter in there on the counter, and I have been fighting its siren song all day.  When I am bored/cranky/hormonal/ or otherwise in the negative, mood-wise, all I want to do is eat.  And boy, can I eat.  I basically polished off an entire package of Oreo cookies all by myself yesterday.  That ought to have a fabulous effect on my Weight Watchers, lemme tell ya.

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3.  And on that subject, I am so ready to quit.  I can be good(ish) during the week, but weekends kill me no matter what I do, and I am just really tired of the fight.  I am tired of the waste of $$.  There are probably twenty-dozen different websites and iPhone apps with which I could do what I do with WW, except that they’re free.  Wouldn’t you know, I arrive at this mental place only two weeks after I shelled out forty bucks plus five dollars a month for WW ActiveLink, which I think SUCKS, btw.  You don’t start earning activity points until you’ve hit your baseline for the day, and when you actually do a concentrated, serious workout, like, oh, say C25k, you only earn one or two points for it!  When before, alternating walking and jogging for half an hour and calculating it yourself would have netted you like, 5 points at least.

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4.  Which by the way leads me to this:  I HATE EXERCISE!  No, I really hate it.  I have been trying to do the #$@% C25k and I was supposed to start Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, but instead I decided there was no way on this planet that I would be able to pull off jogging for three solid minutes, and I stuck with Week 2 for a little longer.  And even at that, it was torturous.  I walked for two of the six run cycles.  My freakin’ knees hurt.  I am angry.  I can’t lose weight and get healthier without exercising, and I can’t exercise when my major weight-bearing joints hurt so bad I wanna cry.   AND… I don’t have anyone to work out with, and I’m embarrassed to drag my jiggly, wiggly, huffing and puffing, slow-crawl jogging body through my neighborhood streets.  The high school football field track would have been a good place to work out, but it was closed for some sort of repairs.  So yesterday after church I did my workout, knees and neighborhood and all, but all I felt when I got done was anger, and that’s when I ate the Oreos.  Completely counterproductive, yes?  (I know, I should just give up on C25k and look into a membership at the YMCA or some other place that has a pool and do something that is non-weight-bearing, but ugh.  Wetness and changing clothes and showers and lockers and excuses, excuses.)

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5.  I colored my hair yesterday and I look like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald, with a little bit of Weird Al thrown in for good measure.  I need a good haircut, that’s all there is to that.

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6.  I keep wanting to plan all my activities and adventures and tours for my trip to Charleston in October, but it’s still a little too far away.  I don’t know what the schedule is for the conference, what other people are going to be doing that I might could join in and be included in, etc.  I have been looking at walking tours, plantation tours, etc., and I want to do them all, but I know there’s only so much time I will have, and I don’t know which ones will be best.  I am hoping that as it draws closer, I will hear more from the other participants about what exactly their plans are and how much time to I need to plan to spend on my own versus hanging out with them.

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7.  Which leads me to The Twitter Issue.  Although there is a Facebook group that hasn’t been active really, since the end of the last event, the organizers of the Charleston trip communicate mainly through Twitter.  The problem is that so far I have not, up until today, had a Twitter account, because I. Don’t. Get. It.  Seriously.  I don’t understand Twitter, I don’t wanna understand Twitter, I think Twitter is a little bit stupid.  Or maybe Twitter just makes me feel stupid.  But I signed up today, hoping to be able to keep up-to-date with the other attendees of The Blathering and maybe get to know some of them enough to plan to share some tours or activities.  I didn’t really want to have any presence on Twitter other than as needed to participate in The Blathering, so I think what I might do is just delete my account there (are these things ever really gone?) and become the person who brings the Fb group back to life.

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Ok, I guess there will be no 8-10.  Fortunately, I think my Rant-juice just ran out.  I know, you’re thinking “Thank God!” I just needed to vent, you know?  Frustration, aggravation, pain, boredom, loneliness, anticipation, all those things just sort of got thrown into the blender and needed to decorate the kitchen walls, right?

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So as I am prone to do, I will soldier on, keep plowing, etc.  I just took a deep breath, and I will be finishing my day here at work, heading home to see what the kids have been up to all day, (they assure me they have been doing the things I asked them to do, housework help-wise) and trying to find something for supper that won’t exacerbate the damage I did to my Weight Watchers over the weekend.  Meeting is tomorrow, you see.  Not particularly looking forward to it.  Last week I had done the C25k workout three days of the week, as instructed; I thought I had done ok on my eating, and yet I gained like 4lbs. I decided my body hates me and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.  Thanks again for listening, Innernetz.  I don’t know what I’d do without ya. 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

It’s a Done Deal! February 12, 2013

There's No Looking Back

There’s No Looking Back (Photo credit: Toby Keller / Burnblue)

Hello all!  Well, I’ve done it.  I just completed my non-refundable, non-transferable, sign on the dotted line, better hope nothing happens, registration for The Blathering 2013.  I’m nervous and excited and curious.  My next step is to start watching flight prices to Charleston and researching hotels in the area.  And choosing someone to bribe into driving me to the airport. 🙂

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You know, I’ve gone back and forth on this, but I really think it’s something I need to do.  It represents the first of what I hope will be many adventures in my life where I step out on my own and just go with it.  I don’t know a soul who will be there.  I’ve never set foot in that city in my entire life.  I don’t know what it will be like, what will happen, or who I will meet.  But I know they will be people I can relate to- they will be women, mothers, sisters, friends, and above all, WRITERS!  They relate to the written word, they love it.  They may even cling to it as their only link to sanity, who knows?  There’s no telling, but I would be willing to bet that it will be fun, that I will make new friendships that could last a lifetime, and that I will be glad I took the chance.

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There’s one thing I’m a little concerned about though.  It looks like most of the conversation and divulging of details and dispensing of info about this event will be taking place on Twitter, something I am not into, and don’t particularly want to be.  I already spend too much time messing around on Facebook; I definitely don’t need another social media site sucking away the few remaining moments of my days.  And I hate to admit it, but Twitter confuses me, and I feel like I’m too old for it, you know?  Like it’s for the youngsters, and I’m not one of those anymore.  I already anticipate being the oldest one at The Blathering, but we’ll see.

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So I’m off to the flight price monitoring websites.  I also plan to use this upcoming event as motivation in my Weight Watchers efforts.  We’ll see how that goes too.  Wish me luck, y’all!  See you in Charleston!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

Smart and surprising

Mostly Bright Ideas

Some of these thoughts may make sense. But don't count on it.

Mad Scientist.Crazy Mom

Welcome to my laboratory: five kids on a farm

A Clean Surface.

simplicity, organization, inspiration, minimalism, humor...and reality

Princess Nebraska

If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. If would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

She Likes Purple

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

musings of a madwoman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Glam-O-Mommy

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

happily ever me

a life in progress

Our Little Geekling

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

mighty maggie

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths

An Unexplored Wilderness

A writer's journey