The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

This Is Crow. This Is Me Eating Crow. Any Questions? March 20, 2011

Three-toed Tree Sloth enjoying a snack.

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  Short hiatus, wasn’t it?  Yeah, I found out that when I spend unmentionable amounts of time reading message boards like CruiseCritc, CruiseMates, and DisBoards, I have to have a place to share my rantings, ramblings, and obsessions when there is not a proper forum for them on the boards, or when I feel like I might get immediately flamed, burned in effigy, or worse… ignored!  (GASP!)  So here I am.  I toyed with my layout here, changed it around a bit, and promptly went back to the way it was.  I am sooooo a creature of habit who is NOT OK with change!

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Y’all, I’m suffering from a case of terminal obsession.  All I can think about is the cruise.  I know, I know.  It’s FOURTEEN MONTHS AWAY!  I want to not think about it and live normal life, but it occupies an abnormal amount of my thought time!  The Disney trip, although much closer, is a distant second.  I feel like the Disney trip is pretty much squared away, with the exception of the RideMax touring plans I have to make, but I can’t make those until about a month out.  And of course, there’s shopping for new clothes, and last-minute stuff, but I’m putting that off for about another month as well. 

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I need to focus on updating the status of my everyday life themes, like:

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1)  Weight Watchers.  I finally jumped out of the rut and had a couple of good weeks.  I’m afraid I may have backslid this week, though.  We’ll see.

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2) The boy and his funny stuff.  For example, we finally watched The Blind Side the other night, and you know that part at the end where she warns Michael that if he gets a girl pregnant “out of wedlock,” she will drive up to his school and cut off his penis?  Well, when Daughter S. and I were watching that part and laughing our heads off, MY little man covers his entire face with his hands and says, “I KNOW what ‘penis’ means, Mom, and I do NOT wanna talk about it!”  Y’all- We. ROLLED!  He was not amused.

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3) Work.  Didn’t get the job I applied for, nor ever even heard from them, but have been tapped at my current job by default of being the only one cabable of doing it, to become the new specialist in an area we haven’t been serving much thus far- print services.  I’m not really enthused.  Further, the Girl Drama continues, thanks to She Who Must Not Be Named, AKA Crazy Co-Worker.  She is dishing out her Radioactive Silent Treatment to another co-worker this time, and I get to be the one she cozies up to and pretends to be all buddy-buddy with when she’s pointedly ignoring the other girl.  If it continues tomorrow, I’m going to tell her to grow up, and then I’ll be in the doghouse too.  Seriously.  We are all sooooo ‘way too old’ for this stuff.

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4)  Housework and Garage- EPIC FAIL!  I haven’t turned a tap around here lately (to use my mom’s favorite expression) and it is causing me immense amounts of angst and self-loathing as I continue to scroll, click, read, type, and browse my way through the message boards every spare moment I have.  Unfortunately not enough so to make me get the heck up and DO SOMETHING!  Until now, anyway.  Starting as soon as I finish this post! 😀

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5)  Divorce.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally filed the papers.  Officially.  It’s been a long time coming, since we’ve been separated for two years.  I am, in alternating moments, glad I will finally be officially free, sad that it all failed so miserably, and oddly, jealous that he has been totally ignoring me lately in favor of his two best friends.  I have to call the judge’s office tomorrow to make an appointment.  When it comes right down to it, I can freely admit that he is nothing but dead weight to anyone in his life, and I’m fortunate to be free of him, and if he happens to read this, which is really unlikely, well… I’m sorry, but truth hurts.  It is what it is.

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6) Parenting- I have not been very successful of late, at getting the kids to get up off their butts and do anything around here, primarily because ** I ** have not been getting up off my butt either! (DUH) But that all ends tomorrow.  At worst, it will be a hideous fight.  There may be pouting, grouching, slamming, and other variations on a theme, but I have decided that I am going to put away the PlayStations and the laptops from now until the end of April, at least.  Literally package them up and lock them away somewhere.  We have GOT to get a handle on housecleaning and cleaning out the garage, and this is the only way.  We will get them out and use them on Sunday afternoons only, unless their behavior makes it necessary for me to revoke the Sunday afternoon electronics time.  This is drastic, but a crucial step in both getting the house and garage in a decent state, AND bringing an end to my cruise obsession.  On orders from my therapist, The Golden Goddess, I was supposed to ban myself from the computer about 2 weeks ago, but I never did.  I cheated.  Well, I now know I have no choice but to bring it all to a screeching halt.  I will update here on Sundays, and I will savor and enjoy my blogging time, but otherwise, I am going on an Internet Fast!

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And with that I must acknowledge that it is bedtime for munchkins, and I am going to finish up here and get them ready to go back to school tomorrow.  (Kicking and Screaming the entire way, I’m sure.)  They have enjoyed their Spring Break Week Of Imitating Tree Sloths, and now it’s time to “get back to the grind” as Daughter S. glumly announced over supper earlier tonight.  Oh well.  One more ‘nine weeks’ and then it’s Disney World, baby!  Woo!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Tested By Fire (Parts 2 & 3 of ?) February 19, 2011

Hello all.  Today is another anniversary for me.  I didn’t realize the date until I was at work today.  In the middle of just another Saturday at work.  I was actually hiding in the bathroom checking Facebook on my phone, and I noticed the date, February 19th.  Two years ago today, my world broke.  Not to be dramatic or anything, but you know, it kinda was.  A week and two days after a tornado hit my hometown and killed 8 people on the same day that I found out I wasn’t going to have a job the next year. 

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It had been a normal-ish day.  Read: a difficult day.  I was teaching, as usual.  It was almost the end of 6th hour.  Speech class.  We weren’t doing anything.  I think they were supposed to have been finishing an outline or something.  The principal’s secretary beeped in on the intercom and told me I had a phone call.  I went to the office to get the phone.  It was my husband, and his first words were, “You need to come home. The house is on fire.” 

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My heart fell through the floor, and I said the dumbest thing ever:  “Are you kidding?!”  (Like he would joke about that, right?)  He assured me he was not kidding:  “No, I’m not kidding!  The house is on fire!” And I said “Well how bad is it?”  He replied, “I don’t know, but the firemen are here and there’s a lot of smoke.”  I told him I was on my way.  The secretary was sitting behind the counter looking at me, and I just looked down at her and told her my house was on fire and she said “Go. We’ll find someone to take your classes.”  I practically ran down the hall to my room, grabbed my purse out from under my desk.  I was hyperventilating, shaking, almost crying.  Things were falling out of my purse and I just grabbed them and stuffed them in the bag.  One of the kids asked me what was wrong and I said “Don’t worry about it.”  In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t been so snippy, but at the time, I think I didn’t want them to know or something.  I’m not sure.  I tore out of the room without a backward glance, ran out the side door, threw myself into the car and flew out of the parking lot throwing gravel. 

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My school was about 10 miles from my home, and my normal 15 minute trip probably took 5.  I could see from down the street, there were several fire trucks surrounding my house, and I knew it was bad.  I pulled up and parked on the street in front of the house.  The firemen were everywhere, but it looked like they were finished.  The front door was standing open.  I think they were dragging a big hose out and rolling it up.  I walked up, and they said I could go in.  RMB and I went in together.

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This house has been mine since it was built.  It was built especially for me.  Me and the kids and their father.   I was there when it was nothing but a concrete slab.  During construction, I crawled on my hands and knees and scraped plaster and wall texture off the floors, inch by inch, with a razor blade in the dead of winter.  I picked out the colors of the tile and the cabinets and the brick and the shingles on the roof.  The kids’ dad and I.  We were blessed to get this house because he has a CDIB card.  A certificate of degree of Indian bloodChickasaw, to be precise.  We entered the program at just the right time and we were able to get a new house, built on the lot we picked, with the colors we picked. 

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When I walked in the front door of the home I’d lived in for 13 years, first with The Dufus, and then alone with my kids, and then with RMB, all I could see was black.  The walls, the floor, every surface, every object in the house was blackened.  One living room wall and the door leading to the hall were charred.  The firemen had torn into that wall and chunks of drywall were scattered in the floor around it.  The living room windows were blown out from the heat.  The living room ceiling fan was drooping, melted, toward the floor.  The back door was open, and the remains of the couch had been thrown outside.  Most of the things in the living room had been heat damaged.  The entertainment center, the computer desk.  My laptop that Mom got me when I started back to college.  The digital camera she got me for my graduation.  The TV, VCR, the kids’ collection of Disney movies.  The flower arrangement that was the casket spray on my first baby’s casket. The coats in the entry closet.  All blackened and melted.  The smell was overwhelming, nauseating.

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I called my mom and dad to tell them what had happened.  I might have done that when I first got out of the car.  I don’t remember.  They were at our church building, sorting donated clothes and items that we had been collecting for the tornado victims.  School was almost out, and Mom went to go get the kids and bring them.  RMB and I had gone back outside, because we couldn’t take the sight, the smell, and the lingering heat.  Mom pulled up behind my car and she and the kids jumped out.  They walked across the yard, Mom hanging on to them, holding their hands, even though hers were shaking uncontrollably.  I walked in with them.  At first they just looked around in shock, then finally they started to cry.  Even RMB.  It was the third house fire he’d been through, and he said he didn’t think he could take it.  I did my best to comfort all of them, tried to tell them it was ok, that it was ok to be sad, and we’d get through it.  They couldn’t stand to stay in there very long, and we had to leave anyway.  The house was unliveable and there was no power and no water.  We knew Mom and Dad would let us stay with them, even though the kids’ dad and his wife and daughter were already staying there, since their house got ruined in the tornado. 

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PART 3

We went to the church building to look through the donated tornado clothes and find something for the kids to wear to sleep in and to school the next day.  Mom and Dad’s house was now our house, and would be, indefinitely.  We were pretty sure the Chickasaw housing people would rebuild the house, but we had absolutely no clue how long it would take.  At the start, I was hoping for two or three months.  I was being optimistic. 

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We went to Mom and Dad’s and tried to get settled in- just one big happy family.  My parents, me, my husband of only 21 months, my kids, their father, his wife, their toddler daughter.  Like a reality tv show from hell.  I only took a few days off from school.  Being me, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone too much.  In the next few days and weeks, the rest of the family set about trying to remove everything from the house so they could gut it and rebuild.  I couldn’t be there.  I was stuck at school, trying to put on a normal face, trying to teach English and Speech to kids who couldn’t have cared less, all the while knowing it didn’t matter, because I wouldn’t be there the next year.  Meanwhile, everybody else was going through MY house, throwing out MY things, MY memories, without me.  I know, it was my choice to stay at school, but I didn’t feel at the time that I had a choice. 

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Over time, we emptied the house and the reconstruction began.  Living at Mom and Dad’s was challenging at best.  After a few weeks, the kids’ dad and his family got some relief money from FEMA and moved to another town where they could find a house.  Things got easier then, but by that time, RMB had left.  He and my dad had a difference of opinion one night, but that was just a convenient excuse.  He went to stay with his mother, and remains there to this day, two years later.  We’re still legally married.  I plan to remedy that with this year’s tax return. 

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So here we are.  Two years later.  The house was rebuilt, better and more beautiful than before.  Again, we got to pick the colors.  Wall paint, trim, carpet, tiles, kitchen laminate, everything.  Up until it was almost finished, RMB was going to join us when we moved back in, but at the last minute he decided he wasn’t coming back. 

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But we’ve survived.  Exactly 6 months after the tornado, we moved back into the house that was cleansed by fire.  Our lives were a literal mess before the fire.  A literal disaster.  The house was continually a filthy wreck.  My new marriage was a complete disappointment.  The fire took care of all that.  A clean, fresh start.  The kids and I are here now, alone again, and we’re happy.  We’ve been tested and come out on the other side, stronger and better than ever before.  Tested.  And passed.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Bon Voyage: Becoming Cruise Crazy and Falling in Love With a BOAT! January 30, 2011

Oasis of the Seas entering the port at Nassau,...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all.  I have a serious problem.  I’m. CRAZY!  I have developed an obsession on par with anything tv’s Monk ever suffered.  Actually two obsessions.  I have been obsessed with the details of our Disney World trip for over a month, and NOW I have found a new one:  cruises.  Recently, I hatched a plan to take my dear children on a trip for the girls’ graduation, something I could do for them myself, without help from my mother.  (Please note:  I am extreeeeeemely appreciative of my parents and all they do for me.  I’m grateful, I’m thankful, I’m ecstatic.  That being said, I also suffer from constantly not feeling like a full-grown adult because it feels like they help me much more than they should have to at my current age!)

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So anyway.  I decided I wanted to take some kind of special trip for us as a family, something I would plan, arrange, schedule, pay for, and carry out all by myself.  I tossed some ideas to the kids, such as a second Disney trip, Vegas, New Orleans, Branson, Port Aransas, TX (those last two both previous family vacation spots) or a cruise.  I talked to the kids and told them to discuss among themselves what they wanted to do and get back to me.   Meanwhile, I was already getting my heart set on a cruise.  Based on my research, I knew that cruises are always getting more affordable for the ‘less than wealthy’ such as myself, and that with the option of paying it out over time, along with last minute discounts, etc., I could probably make a great cruise vacation happen. 

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Now let me just say here, I think I have been to every cruise booking, low pricing, discount-offering website on the entire internet.  Cruises.com, CruiseCompete, VacationsToGo, Orbitz, Priceline, Hotwire- you name it, I’ve surfed it.  They’ve begun to run together, but here are the realities so far:  1) If I had a brain in my head or any semblance of reasonableness or responsibility, I’d save $$ by not having to fly anywhere and sail out of the closest port to where we live, which is Galveston.  2) Only Carnival and Royal Carribean regularly sail out of Galveston.  3) The kids were interested in a Disney cruise for the characters and character dining, but Disney is pretty pricey, and the only other ships that currently offer characters on board are a small number of Royal Carribean ships that have Dreamworks characters.  Two of these are the Oasis of the Seas and the Allure of the Seas, both of which are MONSTER ships that hold a maximum capacity of over 6000 passengers.   4) Royal Carribean also offers Broadway musicals (!) on the Oasis and the AllureHairspray and Chicago, respectively.  5) I could have lived with cruising out of Galveston until I discovered the character dining and Chicago production on RCL, and from that moment, there was only one ship for me:  The Allure

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A little disclosure here- I never wanted to go on a mega-ship.  I have always asserted that if I were to ever go on a cruise, I would want a nice, quiet, friendly, intimate little ship that holds two- to three- thousand people.  But here I am, completely hooked on this idea, having every intention of doing whatever I have to do to make a cruise on the Allure a reality.    I mean seriously?  This ship has everything.  No, I mean EVERYthing.  Wanna rock climb?  They’ve got it.  Wanna learn to surf on a FlowRider or ride on a Zipline?  They’ve got it.  Want Mystery Theater, ice skating, aqua theater?  How about a carousel?  Central park?  Pizza restaurant?  Ice cream?  Donut shop?  A dozen different bars, lounges, and clubs?  Learn to salsa dance?  Ice carving?  Yep.  They’ve got it.

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And you thought I was kidding.  So basically, even though I am fully aware that I will have to work, pinch, scrimp, save, mortgage the farm, and possibly sell a kidney and a cornea or two, I have decided that this is the cruise we want, on the ship we want, and I am going to book it as soon as I get my tax return back.  I’m going to look around and find the best travel agent I can find and get the best deal I can, and I’m going to take my kids on a ginormous floating amusement park.  Oh, wait- where does it go?  You know, it hardly matters.  As it happens, the itinerary is Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Nassau, Bahamas; Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas; Philipsburg, St. Maarten; Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  Oops- did I mention it sails out of Fort Lauderdale?  Yeah, so I have to add air travel on top of the cruise.  Brilliant, right?  Falling in love with a ship that leaves from 1400 miles away.  But what’s done is done.  As of right now, I am bound and determined to make this happen.  Daughter S. is already salivating over the giant cupcake as big as her head from the Cupcake Bakery; Daughter J. is looking forward to the How to Train Your Dragon ice show and dining with Shrek, and The Boy?  Hopefully this is not an ill omen, but he showed particular interest in how you get into the bridge and what button you push to make it go.  He’s just ready for the whole thing.  You know what?  So am I! 

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Bon Voyage!

Until next time,

D.  

PS- The picture above is the Oasis, the older of the two monster-ships.  I know they’re both pretty ugly from the outside, somewhat resembling a floating cracker box, but hey, why quibble?  They’ve got all the goodies.  And… we like goodies!

 

My Future Oscar Winner: The Drama Has GOT to be Good for SOMETHING! January 6, 2011

Wishes fireworks shows in the Magic Kingdom Wa...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  You know how I’m always saying that my son will someday either end up on The Oscars or America’s Most Wanted?  Well, I’ve decided.  It needs to be The Oscars.  This boy has got such an incredibly strong imagination, and he’s so extremely emotional!  Not that I think his mood swings are an act at this point, but I think he could use his tendency toward drama to really take him places!  Consider tonight, for example:

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We had been having what I called a Disney Dance Party, which was my way of getting these little couch potatoes moving in preparation for our trip to Disney World.  Since it’s still too dark for us all to go for a family walk when I get home from work, I decided we were just going to put on some peppy music and boogie it out as hard as we could for 20 minutes a night, working up to longer times as the trip gets closer.  So we had done that tonight, dancing to Sean Kingston‘s Fire Burning, Jay Z and Kanye’s Down, and Lady Gaga’s Disco Heaven.  (And Daughter J. insisted on listening to two songs from A Goofy Movie.)  I showed them a few exercise moves like holding a squat against the wall, and just holding a crouch for as long as we could.  I helped The Boy do a few sit-ups, and we finally stopped and sat down.  I told them we would find a calming, relaxing song to cool down to, and then I got a bright idea that turned out to be not so bright for The Boy. 

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I sat on the edge of my chair, with my arms stretched out and down against my knees.  I told them I imagined all the negative energy, dark stuff, bad moods, and ugliness shooting out of my fingertips as I stretched them downward, until my entire body was empty of anything negative.  Then I turned my palms up as I rested them on my knees and told them to imagine positive energy, light, and warmth being poured into their hands until it ran up their arms and filled up their whole chest and exploded outward.  So The Boy decided to give this a try, and my poor Little Man had been ‘receiving the positive’ for about half a minute when he just burst into tears!  He said he was crying because it was so beautiful and that he imagined little white angels falling into his hands.  He sat on my lap for a while and I tried to explain to him that I wanted him to just feel relaxed and positive, not cry!  So he got back on the couch and gave it another try and this time, he almost started crying again, because he said he saw himself being hugged by God! 

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And this after he had just earlier in the evening been grouching and griping and completely unmanageable and unreasonable about every tiny thing, up to and including having a tantrum because his hamburger bun came apart as he tried to take it out of the bag!  I swear I do not know what comes over this kid! 

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And at the same time, he  is such a comedian!  His birthday is four months from today, and he’s been bugging me about this Harry Potter merchandise he wants, something he found on one of those dvd inserts where they advertise wands and sorcerer’s stones and time-turner necklaces and golden egg pendants.  And $300 pewter HP chess sets.  You get the idea.  So he’s been bugging and begging, and since he had done nothing but be a hateful old grump to Daughter J. all evening, I told him he wasn’t getting anything until he could learn to love his sister and get along and be kind!  So they are both sitting on the couch, and a moment after I tell him this, he LAUNCHES  himself across the couch and wraps his arms around her and puts this silly, happy grin on his face.  Then when she looks over at me like “WHAT is he doing?”  he snuggles his head into her side again and grins even bigger.  Then he cuts his eyes over to me and asks “What do you think?  Can I have it now?” 

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SIGH!  I’m hoping the ‘receiving the positive’ technique will help him sleep better.  He’s always complaining that he can’t sleep, because he keeps thinking about scary things that he’s seen in video games and movies (which he was NOT allowed to watch by me, for the record!  The movie was something Daughter J. let him watch and the video games were something he watched his father play).  We were supposed to do a family project for counseling and make him a dream catcher from stuff we found around the house, but we haven’t done it yet.  He’s usually satisfied with me singing him a few songs when he gets in bed. 

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So.  We’re going to stick with the Disney Dance Party idea and hopefully will build up some stamina in my little chubby-bubbies and prepare them for tackling the World.  For my own part, I’ve been making extra trips up and down the stairs at work for the last few days.  Sadly, I think tonight’s boogie wonderland might possibly have resulted in a few stress fractures!  What I wouldn’t give for a couple of foot transplants!  Have they invented those yet, and if not, WHY NOT!? 

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And while we’re on the subject of Disney, readers should perhaps be aware that this particular topic will be increasingly on my mind in the weeks to come, because our trip is 4 months and three weeks from tomorrow!  I discovered an online message board that has the potential to become the mother of all obsessions for the next few months, www.DISboards.com , and my family is beginning to suspect cult activity!  I’m sure by the time we leave for our trip, they will have the intervention lined up for the moment our return flight lands, and all my Facebook friends will have blocked me from their feeds because they feel they may hurt someone if they see the word ‘Disney’ from me just once more!

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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