The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Do You Hear the People Sing? May 17, 2018

Hello all!!  Wow, am I all over the map today.  I have the whole “Do You Hear the People Sing” thing stuck in my head because… it’s the last day of school AND Les Mis auditions at Ardmore Little Theatre were five years ago tomorrow.  OBVIOUSLY I’m an emotional wreck. But totally in a good way.

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First, the last day of school is a major milestone.  It feels like barely a few days ago I was working in my classroom, getting ready for school to start, being scared, nervous, intimidated, and completely unsure if I were supposed to be here.  I made it through the year though, survived all the moments when I felt like I should run away and become a sheep herder in Tibet, and kept plowing despite a somewhat critical bout with depression.  I think I’ve come to the conclusion that the first year of teaching is about like the first year of college:  I’ve probably gained at least fifteen pounds since I was hired.  Still, it’s been a good year.  I’ve tried to operate in a mode of loving these kids and remembering that they ARE just KIDS.  They are not fully formed humans yet, and they can be jerks on occasion.  Sadly, many adults can be jerks too, but that’s another post.  The point is… IT’S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! WOOOO!

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Second, the anniversary of the auditions for Les Miserables (I don’t know how to type it with all the correct little accent marks) is tomorrow.  FIVE years ago tomorrow, I got on a stage and sang in front of strangers, and opened the door to a world I couldn’t have imagined.  It has brought me some of the greatest joy and the worst pain I’ve experienced in the last few years.  Between great new friends, disappointing audition results, crushes that were not meant to be, sharing the worst pain of those new friends,  celebrating victories and learning new things I never knew I could do… theatre has been a blessing in my life.  Note: the featured image of this post is my best friend who I met at auditions and who played Madame Thenardier.  She was and is nine kinds of awesome!

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I haven’t been actually ON stage in a long time, because I allowed myself to feel like I was too fat and ugly to be up there, (and also that I wasn’t really a good enough actor) but I’m hoping to conquer that this season.  There are a couple of shows I wouldn’t mind auditioning for, directors I would love to work with, and of course, the chance to reprise a role and play the same character I played when I first started, when we produce a new entry in the Buttermilk series: A Dark and Stormy Night at the Buttermilk Hotel, written partly by one of those new theatre friends.  I’ll have hopefully had my weight loss surgery a few months before the Buttermilk play is ready to audition, and I’ll be feeling a lot better about my weight. I’m also probably going to start working with a practitioner of FDN, functional diagnostic nutrition, and getting some health issues solved even before I have surgery.  We’ll see how it works.

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So back to the last day of school.  I just feel like I want to try to remember everything.  So far it’s been a good day, but it’s only 2nd hour!  I’m going to finish this post and grade the tests from 1st hour.  Let the day only go up from here!  And in only three weeks, I’ll be on my way to ALASKA!!! Yessss!

Until next time,

D.

 

 

Fly, Fly Away May 4, 2018

Hello all!  Things are finally starting to settle down here.  The show is over, school is almost out, and very soon I will be returning to my beloved Alaska!  I can’t wait to show The Boy all the places I went when I was there, the tours and other adventures.

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One thing I dread is the flights.  Both there and back, I dread flying.  I’ve gained back a lot of weight in the last few years and the prospect of flying and worrying about whether some fellow passenger is going to be hateful to me if I am crowding their space is just not pleasant.  I read an article on Fb today about some women who got into it on a short flight because they were in each other’s space, and man, the comments!! The hateful attitudes toward overweight people are absolutely incredible.  People are cruel, people are judgmental, and people have NO love.

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Now granted, I don’t feel like I encounter this in my everyday life, partly because I live in the South-ish, where most people are fat and most people don’t see the need to be hateful about it.  There is a fitness subculture in my town, with many gyms and groups of women jogging through the streets at all hours, and more power to them.  But for the most part, as far as I can tell, the average fat person around here does not encounter hatefulness about their weight from random strangers on the street.

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So what’s my problem?  Well… I won’t be in the South.  I’ll be on a plane with people from all over, with a layover in Seattle, where people are crunchy-granola, healthy hippie, tree-hugging hiking types.  However, I’ll be traveling with my son, who, while he’s not huge, is a nearly 6 ft. tall, broad-shouldered, 17 year-old boy.  I figure I can put his smaller body between me and any strangers and hopefully neither of us will infringe on anyone’s space.

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What’s really sad is that I let this fear and dread of fat-shaming strangers dampen my enthusiasm for this much anticipated, greatly longed-for trip to Alaska, my happy place of all happy places.  I even bought my own seat belt extender online so I wouldn’t be embarrassed by having to ask the flight attendant for one. I guess you could say, short of losing 100 pounds, I’ve done all I can think of to do to limit the likelihood of pain, hurt feelings, embarrassment, etc. Now I just have to go and try to enjoy the adventure. (Except I also still have to worry about river raft floats and water boots and other size-related humiliations just waiting to happen.)

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If it were this time next year that I were going, it would be a whole other story.  If all goes as planned, I will be having weight loss surgery over Christmas break.  I’m not sure yet whether I’m doing the RnY or the sleeve- that all depends on what the doctor recommends.  I can’t even start the process until September, unless I wanted to just pay for a bunch of fees and stuff out of pocket, which, why do that when I can just be patient a couple months longer and have it covered on insurance?  Regardless, I am REALLY looking forward to having a little help in that department.  Sometimes the right tool helps get the job done.

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So basically, I guess one thing to be happy about is that these are the last flights that I will have these fears and worries.  I thought about putting off this trip until next summer, but we’re not guaranteed another day, so I might as well go now and try to enjoy it.  I know I will, because it’s freaking Alaska, and I love that place, AND I’ll be sharing it with my precious kiddo. I hope he loves it as much as I do.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Leaving On a Jet Plane… November 2, 2015

Filed under: Alaska Summer,Looking Forward — DDKlingonGirl @ 9:20 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello, all!  I have been back at home again for five weeks.  I had promised to share the end of my Alaska adventures, and so this post will include some final images covering the State Fair and the last couple of days at the lodge. I wish I could really articulate how much the experience of living and working in Alaska meant to me. It was truly a dream come true.  Not every moment was dreamy, obviously.  It was occasionally very hard.  The self-critical part of me has a tendency to say it was all in my head, and that if I had somehow changed my outlook, my perspective, my attitude, it would have been thoroughly peachy.  I’m pretty sure that is not entirely true, and that I did the best I could with what I had at the time, and that I need to quit ragging on myself.  I’ll work on it.

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For now, though, I am home.  Back into old routines, old job, etc.  There are some new things. About three weeks after I got home, Daughter J. got married.  Definitely not something I fully embraced at the time, but she is happy.  I also was able to get new vehicles for myself and Daughter S.  Not new, new.  New to us.  Definitely the nicest, prettiest cars I’ve ever owned- an ’07 and an ’08.

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Another thing that will stay the same, obviously, is that I remain involved in my beloved Ardmore Little Theater.  A few days after I got home I attended closing night of “Harvey.”  The next show opens November 12, which is “Of Mice and Men.”  After a break for the holidays that will hopefully include working on the parade float and doing some caroling at the senior centers, the major musical of the season will be “Fiddler On the Roof.”  A couple of weeks ago I was asked to be Stage Manager for Fiddler, and I am super excited but very nervous.  It will only be my second time to SM and it is a huge cast and a classic favorite of many people.  It is important to me to help make it excellent. I am very much looking forward to stage managing again.

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So all in all, things are good and I am happy to be home with my family and friends.  I definitely miss my new friends I met in Alaska.  I don’t think I ever expected to meet people I would learn to love so much.  I will forever be thankful for the time I had there, and hopefully I will get to return someday, maybe even bringing some of my loved ones with me to share in the experience.

Until next time,

D.

 

Pause and Breathe Before the Wild Ride to the End July 28, 2015

Hello, all! Greetings from Alaska, again. Today is an odd day around here. People have begun to see light at the end of the tunnel. It hasn’t been an easy summer, I guess, for a lot of the employees here at Mt. McKinley Princess Wilderness Lodge. A lot of people have left the lodge sooner than they intended, whether due to needing better pay, a loss in the family, a year-round job offer, or just a decision that this wasn’t the place for them. Some will leave before the end of the season to go back to school, and some will be here until the end. For many of us today, the following image sums up the mood:

For a couple of reasons...

For a couple of reasons…

 

I think first of all, the realization that it will be August in just a few days has put the heart back into a lot of us.  Despite the difficulties, we are making it.  Time is passing and soon this summer will be behind us, for better or worse.

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Secondly, something was done today that made us realize that it will all be over before we know it.  They posted on the wall a list of all the employees and their departure plans- last working day and when they were scheduled to be on a bus.  Naturally some of them needed to make changes, inform management of different plans, etc., but for the most part, the crowd around the list of names on the wall reminded me of checking to see who made the cheerleading squad or got cast in the lead role.  It seeemed to catch people by surprise, either way.

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For the last few days, a quote has been flitting through my head, provided by my all-time favorite TV show, M*A*S*H.  It’s from the episode where they are interviewing them for the documentary, the black and white episode.  Hawkeye says, “I think…I’ll never forget the day I go home.  Right now I can’t imagine it.”  Now please don’t think I’m comparing a summer working at a cruise hotel to a tour of duty in the Korean war; I think you know better than that.  But the sentiment is the same.  The sense of anticipation, of accomplishment, is the same.  The sentiment.  Knowing we have made it through something that isn’t exactly easy for everybody.

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After we all spotted the list for the first time, I can’t speak for anyone else, obviously, but as I was walking up the dreaded hill back to housing (yes, it’s still not something we look forward to- I’m still red-faced and sweaty by the time I get back to my room) I was listening to my iTunes on my exercise playlist, and an oldie but a goodie came on: “Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride,” by Men At Work.  That one always seems to help push me, always makes me strut a little, and today especially, the lyrics “…the road behind was rocky, but now you’re feeling cocky” were particularly pointed.

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As anyone who knows me well could tell you, I can apply music to just about any situation in life.  For example, the last two times I have been on one of our motorcoaches riding back from Talkeetna, I have been composing my own version of the “bus driver safety speech” (which all the drivers have to give, and most put their own spin on) to the music of Les Mis!  I’ll share that one later, but it just serves as an example of how anything involving music fascinates me.  The point of all that was to explain why I was struck by another song lyric that crossed my radar yesterday.  It was my day off and I took the opportunity to ride on the Alaska Railroad.  I will cover that in a separate post, but the song lyric was from a great song I’ve always liked, “Time of Your Life” by Green Day.  Someone had scribbled it on a pizza box I saw sitting on one of the tables on the train:

image

“It’s something unprdedictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you have the time of your life.”

 

I was just struck by those words and how accurately they summed up this summer so far.  I also noted, for what it’s worth, that was my twin daughters’ senior song.  Hmmm…..

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Anyway.  I know I still owe you guys a post about my big flight tour and my other day-off adventures.  I will get on those right now.  I just wanted to share this day and this feeling with you while it was fresh in my mind.  I basically compare it to cresting the top of the highest hill on a roller coaster.  This is the pause before the mad rush to the final run.  It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, the second wind.  In other words… we’re gonna make it!

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Thanks again for reading!

Until next time,

D.

 

Guess I’d Better Get On the Ball! January 29, 2015

Soon to be Home Away From Home!

Soon to be Home Away From Home!

Hello ALL!!!  I have really got to learn how to do shorter updates here, more frequently.  There are so many times that something runs through my head and I’ll think, “Oh, that would be a great blog entry” or “I really have something to say about that, I should blog it” but then time gets away and I don’t.  The other day I wanted to talk about how much I love it when things happen like my son being pretty cranky on the way to school and then something reminding him about one of his favorite songs from the show I’m in right now for Ardmore Little Theater, and he starts singing it under his breath, and then we both do the whistling part, and then by the time he gets to school, he gets out of the car and says “Thank you for making my attitude better.”  I really like that.

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Or how one of my huge-est, most unbelievable dreams is coming true and I’m going to Alaska in three months to work at a tourism job (Mt. McKinley Princess Wilderness Lodge) All. Summer. Long!  More on that later.

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But for right now I wanted to talk about my list of 101 Things to Do in 2015.  I wrote this shortly after New Years Day as a road map for the year and a reminder of things I wanted to accomplish.  I didn’t actually make it to 101 things, though.  I got stuck at about 89.  But here’s what I have so far:

 

101 Things to Do in 2015

1.  Get The Boy’s CDIB card and tribal citizenship

2. Make 2 new photo albums every month

3. Build bookshelves in the garage

4. Vacation Work in Alaska

5. Climb a mountain

6. Hang pictures around my house

7. Make theatre scrapbooks

8. Get Daughter S. to the doctor

9. Visit the Chickasaw Fitness Center

10. Use my grill

11. Haul off the junk on the north side of the house

12. Clean out garage

13. Really organize garage.

14.  Get new car

15. Feed a homeless person

16. Start and finish major writing project

17. Study philosophy (or philosophers)

18. Begin re-decorating house

19.  Price new carpet

20. Get a massage

21. Visit an Oklahoma tourist attraction

22. Take a solo road trip

23. Attend a writing conference

24. Build a yard shed

25. Give a random person $20

26. Continue taking voice lessons

27. Learn a song in another language

28. Send a card to Grandpa every month

29. Read 5 classic novels I’ve never read

30. Read 20 new books randomly recommended by someone

31. Exercise

32. Walk a 5K

33. Run a 5K

34. Try caviar

35. Read through the entire Bible

36. Memorize a psalm as a poem

37. Build a fire pit

38. Have/host an ALT party

39. Get a NEW dishwasher and microwave

40. Get a good yard sale couch and loveseat

41. Grow a plant and keep it alive (maybe a bonsai)

42. Attend a Mass

43. Attend a cultural event in Ardmore

44. Learn to cook again

45. Family game night once/mo.

46. Car headlight fixed

47. Road trip with each kid solo

48. Get to know The Niece

49. Random gifts (Dad, Mom, Sisters, Bros-in-law)

50. Get Charleston pics framed

51. Postcards to 3 cousins every month

52. Walk on a beach

53. Babysit for a friend so they can have a date night

54. Sign up for health insurance (Done)

55. Cure my toenail fungus

56. Special beauty treatment once a week

57. Teach Daughter S. to cook

58. Teach The Boy how to tie a necktie

59. Teach Daughter J. something important

60. Learn to make candles like Grammy did

61. Take makeup lessons from Elisa

62. Develop a character

63. Track WW 6 days out of every week

64. Road trip with all 3 kids

65. Buy The Boy a nice dresser

66. Try cotton candy grapes

67. Stage manage again

68. Attend an Open Mic Night

69. Sing with Community Chorale

70. Have Christmas presents bought by Thanksgiving

71. Clean and organize kitchen

72. Help build a Habitat house

73. Visit an art gallery

74. Write a love story that doesn’t have a happy ending

75. Learn to change a tire.  Actually do it.

76. Ride Amtrak to Dallas or OKC for a day

77. Offer to carry a baby for my sister and her husband

78. Buy a new Christmas tree

79. Wear a colored wig for a day

80. Use my PiYo mat and routines 2x/wk

81. Play in the rain

82. Rent paddleboat at Lake Murray Lodge

83. Transition TGOC to TN

84. Play ball with The Boy 2x/wk

85. Pay bills on time

86. Vote

87. Bury a dog (I only added this to the list after I actually had to do it in early Jan.)

88. Clean and organize bathroom and keep it

89. Be in a play (Done)

90. Learn to love myself for real

91. Go to one of those Wine and Art things (where everybody paints the same painting)

92. Raft the Chulitna river

93. Ride an ATV on a bear-watching adventure

94. Paddle a kayak on Byers Lake

95. Visit a place called Devil’s Canyon

96. Visit an Alaskan sled dog kennel

97. Float the Talkeetna river

98. Ride in a plane that lands on a glacier

99. Catch a salmon

100. Make a new friend

101. Live Out Loud with a Capital L

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So there we have it.  That’s my plan for the year. Those last few completed my list after I spent this morning looking at the CruiseTour excursions offered from my lodge location where I’ll be working in Alaska.  Employees get discounts.  I hope they’re good discounts, because otherwise I’m going to spend every dime I make up there!  I’m sure I will be starting yet ANOTHER blog, detailing my Alaskan adventures.  I can’t wait to get started.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Thoughts On January 1, 2015 at 10:23 PM January 2, 2015

Filed under: Dreams and Passions,Looking Forward — DDKlingonGirl @ 4:27 pm
Tags: , ,

dawn pic

Who do I want to be in a year?  Where do I want to be?  There is no way to know, NO way to know, what the future will bring, but … but what?  I stopped that sentence and didn’t know what to say.  But odds are whatever the future brings will be survivable with the right attitude?

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What are my dreams?  What do I want to see come to pass in the next year?  I mean what do I REALLY want to see?  First, I want to see Daughter S. healthy and happy.  Whether she is working at a job or attending school or both.  I want her to take pride in her health and her life.  I want her to make an effort to be alive.  I’d like to see Daughter J. happy and safe.  If she is married to The Boyfriend, then so be it.  I want to see The Boy happy and continuing to do well in school.  I’d like to see him taking pride in his health and grooming.  I’d like to see him begin to formulate a dream or a plan for his life.  What does he want to do or be for a career, and how can he make sure it happens?

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And now, what do I want to see for me, for myself, come to pass in 2015?  Who do I want to be?  I want to be a person who cares more about people.  Not just who pretends to care, but who genuinely cares.  I want to be a person who smiles with enthusiasm at people going out as I am coming in, people on the elevator, people in line behind me.  I want to be real and honest.

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I want to find out how to live within my belief system.  What do I really believe?  Do those beliefs by definition necessitate a certain course of action vis. morality and religion?  Does belief in the existence of things define how I live my life, or just inform my life?

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I want to enjoy my gifts.  I want to enjoy my ability to sing, my love for theater, my talent at writing.  Maybe all in the same place, maybe not.  I want to exercise those gifts, strengthen them, hone them, develop them.  I want to start and finish a major writing project this year.  I want to be published in some printed media beyond blogging.

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I want to be a person who loves and accepts herself.  I want to look at myself in a mirror and see someone of value.  I want to love my body because of the things it allows me to do, not hate it because of the things it hinders me from doing.  I want to lose weight and get healthier and fit into the cute clothes I rescued from the garage.  I want to believe I am beautiful always.

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I want to identify other goals and dreams.  Where to I really want to be?  What do I want life to look like?  What will it take to accomplish that?

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I want to find a different job.  One that will pay well and allow me to accomplish my goals and dreams, but also one where I have a contributory value.  One where I am making a difference and being challenged.  I want to not be afraid of the fact that ONE of the possible careers I just described is Teacher.

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I want to enjoy every day, be present in the moment, and reject the negative.  I want to be a source of inspiration, encouragement, and strength for my friends and family.  I want my 2015 to have an overall theme of love and joy, strength and determination, growth and exploration.  I want to forge my path with purpose and yet be open to possibility.

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In short, I want to Live, with a  Capital L!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Everything’s Coming Up Roses! December 19, 2014

Up dog

Hello all!  And a very Merry Christmas to you!  Ok, so I think I have just diagnosed myself with a serious disease.  I have dubbed it UDSS:  ‘Up’ Dog “Squirrel!” Syndrome.  That’s where I have so many things flying around in my distractible little head, that I can’t really latch on to one and think about it before another one catches my attention and I go all “Squirrel!!”

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For right now, here’s what I’m thinking about.  Kindness.  Kindness to a child, is what I’m saying.  Today I had a really lovely fulfilling morning being kind to a child.  The Boy had his last day of school before Christmas break today, and all they were going to do was have breakfast and trade gifts, so I stayed with them.  (He attends a small, private Christian school, where there are only about 12 kids through the whole 12 grades.  It’s basically kind of a group homeschool, and I am not sure how much training or education the two teachers have beyond years of actual experience.  It may sound kind of iffy, but it is working for my son, so I’m not questioning it too much.)  Anyway, there is a new boy in the school.  He seems like a super sweet little boy, but he has a LOT, and I mean a LOT of challenges.  He’s clearly very affected by attention deficits, he has speech delays, and he doesn’t understand a lot of social cues and boundaries.  On the opposite side of that, he is obviously very smart and very interested in a lot of science questions and how’s and why’s, AND the kid was humming “Carol of the Bells” all morning.  So yeah, very complex and very special kiddo.  So I spent the morning trying to help keep this child down to a slow whirl, and I think I was pretty successful.  Ok, he did manage to spill hot cocoa all over his leg, but we got through that.  I tried to listen to him, I tried to talk to him, and I tried to help him behave within acceptable limitations.  It was really great.

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First of all, it was just awesome for me to be able to actually have patience for a kid like that, because I have been so used to The Boy testing it!  I get so tired of dealing with my own son sometimes, and it was nice to be able to work with another kid and actually handle it well and be able to help him.  Now, here’s where the “Squirrel!” part comes in.  It made me consider, just for a brief moment, if maybe I should go back to school and get my certification to teach elementary level or special education.  I have a degree in English education and a (lapsed) certification to teach middle and high school level English.  But maybe I should look into taking a few special ed courses or ed psych courses, or something to be able to work with these kiddos.  The thing is, I really don’t think I want to work daily in public school.  It’s a mess, and the paperwork and bureaucracy and politics are beyond my ability to tolerate.  I don’t necessarily want to be a counselor, and I don’t want to take that much time going back to school.  So my thought was “I wonder if I should just start my own little private school?”  But that takes money and time and just… I don’t know.  Hard work and stuff.

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Anyway.  I’m not sure where I was going with all this.  There’s that UDSS again.  I just know it was really nice and fulfilling to spend a morning showing love and kindness and patience to a kid who clearly struggles. Part of me was thinking maybe I could just go visit the school once a week and work with the kids on some sort of social or personal behavior-type issue, and just help be a positive force in the little school.  It was just a thought.

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Other thoughts:  More theater stuff is on the horizon, as usual.  Auditions for Spamalot are January 4-5, and I’m simultaneously looking forward to and dreading them.  I’ve got my audition song.  I think.  So I just have to breathe and survive until the time comes and see how it goes.

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ALASKA NEWS!  I actually applied online for some summer tourism jobs in Alaska.  I don’t have the foggiest clue how I’m going to pull it off if I actually do get one of the jobs, but I think I can make it happen.  I’m very lucky right now, my job is pretty flexible.  The kids are older, and it’s time for me to start seeing if there is somewhere else I belong in the world.

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Anyway, I’m feeling the love and happiness today.  Maybe it’s just a bit of a manic phase, or the excess of caffeine I’ve had today but I feel like I’m firing on all cylinders.  That usually means I’m headed for a full-speed crash into the wall meltdown, but maybe we can avoid it.  We’re going to give it our best shot.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

Smart and surprising

Mostly Bright Ideas

Some of these thoughts may make sense. But don't count on it.

Mad Scientist.Crazy Mom

Welcome to my laboratory: five kids on a farm

A Clean Surface.

simplicity, organization, inspiration, minimalism, humor...and reality

Princess Nebraska

If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. If would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

She Likes Purple

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

musings of a madwoman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Glam-O-Mommy

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

happily ever me

a life in progress

Our Little Geekling

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

mighty maggie

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths

An Unexplored Wilderness

A writer's journey