The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

One-Two, Cha Cha Cha! January 18, 2011

Hello all!  I wanted to write earlier this morning, but I wasn’t able to, so now I’m trying to remember all the things I wanted to talk about, so forgive me if this post is a little incoherent!  Our title today refers to a slightly odd moment I was having this morning in front of my bathroom mirror.  You’re having trouble figuring out what I could possibly be talking about, aren’t you?  Don’t worry, you know I’ll explain it in its extraordinarily verbose and detailed entirety.  I’d never let you down.  Oh, right, the story.  Sorry.  Here it is:

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So I took the kids to school this morning.  Daughter S., Daughter J., and The Boy were all bright eyed and bushy tailed… oh, who am I kidding,  I was driving around with three human slugs.  They hate getting up in the morning.  When I try to wake him, Little Man gives a sound that can only be described as a Moo.  We get a great kick out of our morning conversation: 

“Good Morning, Little Man, time to get up!”

“Mooooo!” 

“No mooing.   Time to wake up!” 

“Mooooooo!” 

“No mooing.”

“Mooooo” 

“No mooing!” 

“Mooooooooo!” 

“GET UP OFF THAT BED RIGHT NOW!!!”

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You get the idea.  And then Daughter J. has a bad, very bad, nasty habit of not rolling her rear end off the bed until 7:40.  And then she has to scratch her itchy feet.  Then she has to go in the bathroom and wash her hands and stand there with her hands under the running water for ten minutes until I yell at her to quit wasting water or go get a job and pay the water bill!   And finally she’s the last one out the door, after the rest of us have been sitting in the car for 5 minutes and the first bell is ringing at the high school that very moment!!

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So I took them to school, all the while carefully laying out what I expected them to do upon their return home, when I am not there to stand over them with a whip or a gun or a head-thumping device and make sure they do what they were told.  (FYI- they didn’t do any of it.  I called them when I left work at 6:00 p.m. and they hadn’t started any of what I had told them. Fortunately for the little work-ethic-challenged beasties, they had made enough progress by the time I got home (7:00 p.m. after gas station and groceries!!) that I was able to skip the punishments I had planned for them, which, let me assure you, involved pain and torture of the “Your playstations and ipods are in time-out for a week!” kind. 

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I know, you’re still waiting for the Cha Cha story.  Now the shirt I threw on today was a black button-down blouse (say that 10 times fast!)  with bright stripes of color on it.  I like this shirt for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it was recently retrieved from the “This shirt will die a painful death if I try to squeeze into it” giveaway pile in the garage.  It’s a shirt that says “Hey! Check me out! I’m getting skinny!” 

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I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass of the front door as I was coming home from dumping my kids off on their poor, unsuspecting teachers taking my dearly beloved, wonderful children to participate in their daily education experience.  I thought, or maybe even said aloud, “Who’s that hot, skinny woman walking up to my front door?”  When I got in the house, I dumped my stuff on the couch and went to the bathroom.  I was admiring myself in the appropriately named Vanity mirror, and thinking “Oh yeah, go me, I’m gettin’ skinny.  I look HAWT!”  And then for some completely unknown reason, I looked myself right in the eyes and did a little dance, bobbing my head back and forth and snapping my fingers, and saying “One-Two, cha cha cha, Three-four, cha cha cha!”  Then I laughed manaically at how nuts I am!

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I think it all had to do with the fact that today was weigh-in day at Weight Watchers.  I knew it would be a good day, because I’ve been pretty darn good this week, if I say so myself.  I even knew I had enough leeway to switch my “Very Lightweight Weigh-in Pants” for my thinnest blue jeans. and it wouldn’t affect my loss.  And wouldn’t you know, I lost another 3.2, which brings my total up to 85.6 for the year.  Tomorrow, I will have been doing WW for a year.  I am so very proud of myself, and my efforts, and my choices.  I’ve learned to keep going, even when I totally screw up.  I’ve learned that it’s just all about making healthy food choices one meal at a time and making it a lifestyle change.  I’ve learned that I am not a Sumo-wrestling lumberjack, and I don’t need to eat like one!  (I was so proud of myself the other day, and it was such a minor thing… I ordered a 6-inch sub at Subway instead of a footlong, and didn’t worry that I’d starve before supper!  See?  Little steps.)

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I know I have a long journey still ahead of me.  I have many pounds yet to lose.  But I know I can do it.  I just have to keep dancing!  Say it with me now:  One-Two, Cha Cha Cha!

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Until next time,

D.

 

That’s Not a Euphemisim! August 20, 2010

Hello all!  I wanted to send my son’s teacher a note today:

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“Dear Teacher, We are late today because my son was hunting his lizard.  And that’s not a euphemism.  There is now a lizard loose in my living room.  And that’s not a euphemism either!”  *

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Yeah, The Boy was outside last night running around the neighborhood and he caught this tiiiiiiny little lizard, kinda like this guy:

View Image

which he immediately fell in love with and brought into the house, bound and determined to make it a good home (in a flap-top plastic box with a few tiny pebbles and some grass.  And some WalMart deli-sliced ham.  (In case Senor Tiny Lizard fancied a sandwich, I guess.) ) and they would have many good times and be lifelong friends forever. 

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But then this morning when he was supposed to be getting ready for school, Little Man took his new friend out of his box and was playing with it, pondering whether if you held it on the palm of your hand and then turned your hand sideways, would it stick.  And he made the mistake of setting him down (there was something about ants and crumbs in that story- I got lost there.)  And the next time he looked, “BAM, he was gone.  But I just feel that someday we will find him again.”  So said my 9-year old as we had to abandon the Great Lizard Caper and get in the car and go to school. 

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I hate to rain on his optimistic little parade, but I can almost guarantee we ain’t seein’ that lizard again in this lifetime.  Ok, 1) He’s REALLY tiny.  Like an inch long, tiny.  2) There is nothing for him to eat in here.  I don’t even know what a lizard that tiny would eat!  It’s not like there’s a little lizard buffet lying out in my front entryway with a sign saying ‘All You Can Eat, $5.95!  Lizards Welcome!’  and perhaps most particularly, 3) We have cats.  These cats are vicious carnivorous unmerciful critter-eaters.  They like crickets, wasps, grasshoppers, cockroaches, and the occasional rubber mouse.  It is too much to hope that they would suddenly become picky and discriminating when there’s a juicy little lizard involved. 

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In short, Senor Tiny Lizard has no hope.  One way or another, he is not long for this world.  Would that it were not so, but even if he managed to squeeze out from under the front door and escape to the outside world, he has nothing awaiting him on the other side except a porch full of ants who would love to eat him alive.   Either that or he will mysteriously survive unseen for years in our house and grow to be the size of a small alligator and take his revenge on Los Gatos by sucking their heads off in the middle of the night.  I know, pleasant thought, right? 

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Anyway.  Don’t ask my why I got all fixated on the word ‘euphemism’ today.  I just wondered what the teacher would say if I said we were late because my son was hunting his lizard.  Hee hee.  Ok, you can say it- I’m juvenile.  Besides which, it wasn’t even necessary to write a note, because we weren’t late anyway!  When we were backing out of the driveway, Daughter J. was being all self-congratulatory because we have gotten to school on time every day this week.  And dear Daughter S., bless her heart, said “It’s only the third day!” 

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Well it may be only the third day, but darn it, it’s Friday, and that’s always a reason to smile.  The kiddos made it through the first week, even though it was only a half week.  The girls were a little stressed about their homework assignment on the first day, which was a one page informal essay about “what you think it means to be an American.”  Well, there was much discussion about the subject and they finally finished their essays, but if I had known on Wednesday what I heard about on Thursday, (late in the game, I know, but whatev.) I could have told them they should write, “Being an American means being forced to sit by helplessly and seethe with rage as we watch while our misguided and clueless leaders who have no love or respect for this country despite their pretty lies and flowery speeches, honor and grovel to people who attacked and killed thousands of our citizens by building a place for them to worship right next to the scene of their atrocity, where some of them will undoubtedly thank their god for the victory.”   Right.  When is the next election again??

Until next time,

D.

Update:  Ok, I’ve done some thinking and reading about the above (so-called Ground Zero mosque, and I have some further remarks about it that I don’t have time to make now, but that will not be rooted in hatred, intolerance, bigotry or ignorance.  Stay tuned.)

 

Back To School- The Strange Juxtaposition of Tears and Triumphs! August 18, 2010

Hello all!  Drumroll please…………………………. Thank you, I’m BACK!  It’s been a long time, but here I am, and hopefully will not have any more problems that will interfere with my posting regularly.  So, on to today’s topic:  The first day of school!   Yes, Virginia, it’s that time of year again.  Today was The Boy, Daughter S. and Daughter J.’s first day of the 2010-2011 school year.  They all got up, bleary-eyed and droopy-tailed, and got ready to head out for a brand new school year and a new day.  Granted, there were snags in the carpet of perfection, as there generally are, to wit:

1.  The Boy started school with no new supplies and is short one required vaccination.  I didn’t have the time to get him in for his vaccination, or the money to get any new school supplies, and I didn’t have the list of what he needed anyway!  But I think I have enough $$ now to get him a few things and I will probably drag us all back to WalMart after church tonight to pick up said things.

2.  Daughter S. didn’t eat any breakfast.  And if I know her, she won’t eat whatever the school feeds them either, because she’s a picky little beast and would rather starve. 

3.  Daughter J. ate generic spaghettios for breakfast.  I know, my stomach’s turning too.  But hey, if it gets her through the day and makes her happy, more power to her!

4.  Traffic!  Can we say ‘completely insane!?’  Let me just illuminate the difficulty of this problem by explaining that we live in a little town that has a state highway running right through it.  Seriously.  If I could draw a little map, I would, and the road, all 4 lanes of it, would just cut straight through the middle of the town!  The school where The Boy attends this year is right on the highway.  Like the highway is literally 30 feet from the front door.  Traffic backs up waiting to loop through and drop kids off, and it’s also waiting to turn down toward the primary elementary school and it’s just a complete disaster!  Did I mention our town only has 2 stoplights?  Yeah.  We’re progressive.  (Speaking of which, I totally snapped my undies yesterday on Facebook and went postal at someone I didn’t even know who made a comment on a friend’s status, in which I perceived, completely mistakenly, I might add, an intended slight on my home state as being a provincial outpost completely lacking in civilization.  I get that all the time and it gets tiring.  Yes, we’re in Oklahoma.  No, we do not live in tents or sod dugouts and get chased by Indians!  We have electric lights and indoor plumbing and social services. More on that later.) 

5.  We didn’t get to take pictures!  I always take pics of the kids on the first day, with their backpacks and all that, and I forgot to do it before we were all in the car and my camera was locked in the house!  So we’ll get pics when we get home.

Anyway.  On the plus sides of the whole Back to School subject, the following: 

1.  I always try to encourage the kids on the way to school, and I asked them to find one good thing about going back to school or one thing they were looking forward to about this year.  Daughter J. is looking forward to getting back in her music class and hopefully going on more music trips.  Daughter S. is looking forward to Computers III and learning photoshop and some other things.  The Boy said he was looking forward to coming home!  He’s so funny!  But then he said he thought he would be able to concentrate better in his smaller special ed class, with fewer kids trying to talk to him.  (He tried to sneak some classical music CDs to school in his backpack to help him concentrate!  He amazes me sometimes.)

2.  After that, I always say a prayer for a good school year and our safety and protection, etc.  I was saying my prayer as we pulled into the high school parking lot, and there, behind the first student car I saw, was a group of 3 or 4 students, and maybe one mother, I’m not sure.  They were standing in a circle, holding hands, heads bowed, praying.  And I said “Oh look, they’re praying too!” and I just about lost it.  I was already getting teary-eyed while I was praying, and when I saw those other people praying too, it just made me so emotional, because I thought that as long as we have some kids who are willing to stand out there on the first day of school, in the parking lot in front of the whole world, and hold hands with their mother and pray on the first day of school… we’re gonna be ok.  (( Cue tears again! ))  Anyway, so then Daughter S. begged me not to cry, ’cause I’d make her cry, and we pulled up in front of the school and I told them to paste a smile on their faces and have a great day, and off they went. 

And then, the Big One:  The Boy.  Last year this child, when I walked him to his classroom, cried and sobbed and wouldn’t let me leave for practically a half hour, and basically had to be pried loose from me.  This year?  We pull into the parking lot and he tells me he knows where his room is and he doesn’t need me to walk him in.  Then when I ask if he’s sure, he says yeah, and when I stop to let him out of the car, he jumps out, gives me a huge grin, says “I love you, Mom!”  I say “I love you too!  You’re gonna have a great year, baby!” and he shuts the door and walks away grinning.  (( Cue Mom’s cascade of tears! ))  And I pull away and out onto the highway, crying like a ninny and praying that all three of my kiddos have a good year.  And you know what?  I really think they will.

Until next time,

D.

 

In Observance of May 26: Pain and Perspective May 24, 2010

Hello all.  Well.  This has the potential to be a rough week, for a variety of reasons.  Let’s work our way from least to greatest, shall we? 

The most insignificant way this might be a rough week is that, once again, we’re short-handed at work.  One girl is on vacation this week, and I’ll probably be doing her job, which means I won’t be going out on routes, which means I don’t get to rest my feet during the day, which means I’ll likely be more tired, cranky, and in pain when I get home to the crumb-crunchers. 

(Well, I thought I was leading up to reason #2, but that will be next week.  Moving on.) It’s the last week of school.  Hyperactive craziness and misbehavior will probably be the order of the day, at least for The Boy.

All that aside, the greatest reason this could be a rough week, or at least for the next couple of days, occurs on Wednesday.  It’s May 26, my and RMB’s anniversary.   Our third anniversary, and the second one we’ve spent living apart.  I cried myself to sleep last night, angry at him for being the way he is, but angrier at myself for my selfishness and stupidity.  I married this man, even though I can’t think of a single person I knew who thought this was a good idea.  I thought they were wrong.  I thought I knew what we could do.  I was determined.  I thought he was determined.  I was fooling myself.

I think what’s driving me crazy now is that I can’t see how we can save our friendship, first because I feel so angry still, and second because I have lost any respect I had for him.  Everything I can think about him is negative, everything I can see about him is negative.  And I mentioned the other day about how we’re growing more distant, our conversations more casual and shallow, which also hurts.  I love him but mostly I don’t like him, if that makes any sense.   I love him, so it hurts me to see him for who and what he really is, which I always did, but I downplayed it, ignored it. 

So yes, I know I have only myself to blame for the way I’m feeling now.  I try to downplay the pain yet again, spew that “it’s all part of my journey” crap, but in reality, I know it all boils down to choices.  I made a bad one.  That’s all there is to it.  Maybe someday I can stop beating myself up over it. 

Until next time,

D.

PS- Hello, dose of perspective.  My mother just texted me and told me my dad is getting put in the hospital because he’s got bronchitis really bad, almost pneumonia.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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