The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Winner of the Most Awkward Moment of The Year So Far Award! March 22, 2013

Hello all.  I have only this to say today.  I have just experienced that awkward moment when you’re showing someone (the PREACHER you work with!) your pictures on Facebook and suddenly he’s looking at something you would NEVER have wanted him to see (i.e. old pics of you at someone’s birthday celebration at the karaoke club!)  Can we say, Face. On. Fire?!

Ah well.  We are now in a new phase of our work-relationship.  God bless us, every one. 

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Until next time,

D.

 

Simply Recommitting October 10, 2011

Hello all.  You know, sometimes, when I’m going through my day thinking, “I REALLY need to write a blog entry, I really need to update, etc.” I’ll sit down and try to write an entry and nothing really comes.  Often, I will just keep writing, rambling, ranting, and I’ll post the result, whether it’s good or bad, like that’s a cure for writer’s block, but it doesn’t mean that what I wrote has any quality to it.  That post may not necessarily be my true voice.  There’s something wrong with that.  There’s something wrong with a lot of things, and I am in the mood to change that.

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I went to a revival-type church service tonight that was sponsored by my sister’s church.  I had never heard of the speaker, a man named Ken Freeman.  My sister attends a Baptist church, but I got the feeling this man was inter-denominational in his preaching career, meaning he didn’t just go to one type of church.  His message was about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘great,’ and how we have to let go of certain things in order to fully accept God’s grace and blessings.  I realized there were a lot of things I have been holding on to, and I need to let go and re-commit.  I need to re-commit, not just in my spiritual life, but in everything- my job, my parenting, my health and fitness, and even my writing here. 

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So that’s what I’m doing.  Starting tonight, I am re-committing my life.  I am going to re-dedicate myself to my weight loss, my writing, my parenting, and most of all to a life that is dominated by Love.  Love for God, and love for my fellow human.  I need to work on showing Jesus to others through my life.  I’ve been in an ongoing cold war with a co-worker for weeks now, and I’ve made weak, pitiful attempts to pretend I was reaching out to her, to delude myself into thinking I was the bigger person by praying for her, but in reality I wasn’t willing to let go and truly acknowledge that I haven’t always been the Christian I am supposed to be.  I gave it lip-service, but I wasn’t willing to completely let down the barriers.  I’m still not.  I know I can’t trust her to be real and honest.  She is an excellent actor and faker- I’ve seen it.  My point is that I can’t worry about that.  I have to just say ‘You know what?  I’m recommitting to living for Jesus, and because I am, I choose to love you.  You can think what you want about me, you can like me or hate me, but I choose to love you in Jesus’ name, whether I can trust you or not.’  And really mean it, because I didn’t before.  I wanted to mean it, but the selfish, immature part of me said ‘Why do you have to mean it?  It doesn’t make any difference.  She’s not accepting your overtures, your gestures, your attempts.  What difference does it make if you really mean it?’  But I know now that I have to forgive all that, I have to forgive what she’s done to me, the hurt she has caused me, and I have to love her in Christ, and I cannot allow myself to add anything else to that sentence.  My judgement of her is irrelevant. 

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In addition to this, I have to be brave enough to re-commit to my health and fitness efforts.  I have done well.  I can say that.  I have lost almost one hundred and twenty pounds in almost 2 years.  But I have not been fully committed.  I have chosen to take easier roads- skip workouts, eat junk food.  I signed up for another 5k mud run as a volunteer, knowing I would be allowed to participate in the race for free as a volunteer, but thinking I wasn’t obligated to do the race if I chose not to.  That wasn’t committment, that was fear.  I completed the first one, the Dirty 30, back in July.  I did it on adrenaline, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what kinds of obstacles I’d face, but determined to tackle them no matter what.  In this next race, I know what kinds of things I might see, and I feared them.  I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to put that much effort out again, but now- I know I need to re-commit.  I need to grasp the fact that I have the strength to finish that race, complete the obstacles (or go around them if I have to) and finish.  I can’t be afraid that I might twist an ankle or a knee- I just have to take the steps. 

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I realize this entry has had a serious tone.  I usually like to try to be funny here, and I hope I succeed at that sometimes.  But tonight was a night for seriousness.  I had a talk with my kids on the way home from the revival tonight, because I have been really concerned for them in their spiritual lives, because they have not yet obeyed the gospel and been baptized.  Despite what some people may say or believe, I truly believe what I have been taught, that baptism is the point at which we are saved, and I want my children to be baptized and commit to living their lives for God.  I believe it is on their heart to do it, but they just haven’t taken the step.  I am praying that they make that decision soon, but at least I took the opportunity to share with them what I want for them- the peace that comes with knowing they are saved. 

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I’m not saying I have it all figured out, or that there aren’t sometimes brief moments when I question everything I’ve ever heard and wonder if maybe, possibly, it could all be crap.  But when it comes down to it, I’d rather just believe what I believe than buy into “something from nothing, for no reason, with no purpose, and nothing after, and nothing matters.”  It’s just not enough.

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And in the middle of all this recommitting, loving, being brave, and trying to bring my kids to heaven with me, I am going to embrace all I can possibly accomplish in this life that is fun and joyful and meaningful.  To that end, I can announce that my daughters’ senior trip in May is a done deal!  I booked the airfare today, so Lord willing, we’re definitely going!  We’re going to be Royal Carribean cruising fools!  Wooo hooooo!  Allure of the Seas, here we come!

Until next time,

D.

 

A Battle Hard Fought Is a Battle Half Won? December 11, 2010

Hello all.  I realized something recently.  I am a food addict.  And… a compulsive eater.  I think.  All this week at work I’ve experienced an intense desire to eat in the late afternoon.  No way I could be actually hungry.  Well, not very, anyway.  I just want to eat.  I want to put stuff in my mouth and consume it.  I want to gnash my teeth on something, taste the sweetness or saltiness or whatever is available.  Friends… I HATE IT!!!! 

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I hate that feeling worse than anything in the world, like I’m stuffing my feelings, my emotions, my energy level, and whatever else threatens my serenity at the moment.  Granted, my job is fairly high stress, especially at this time of year.  (I work in a UPS Store.) We’re busy, it’s fast-paced, it’s physically tiring, and I have one co-worker who is literally out of touch with reality and who, I believe, has completely gone ’round the bend.  But we can’t fire her- we can’t get through the Christmas season without her.  She makes everybody who works there (and half the customers) just shake their heads in sheer disbelief AND want to slam their fingers in a door or two, but we can’t get rid of her.  Not until after the holidays.  (Although believe me, I’m working on a good reason.  If things play out the way I expect they will, the boss will have no choice but to let her go if he wants to keep me.)

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Regardless of stress, crazy co-workers or whatever, I cannot allow my feelings to dictate what I put in my mouth and when.  I just never noticed before how strong the compulsion was!  I found myself struggling so many times this week, just WISHING there was SOMETHING in the breakroom I could EAT!  And sometimes there was, and I had to fight to resist it.  Sometimes I had brought healthy stuff, stuff with low Weight Watchers PointsPlus values, but other times I just had to have a small nibble of whatever was there and go on.  I have brought apples, baby carrots, grapes, low-carb shakes to work, but sometimes all there is in the fridge is a half-eaten Hershey bar or package of peanuts.  I’ve been eating the chocolate one tiny square at a time or the peanuts 8 or 10 at a time, when I simply have to have something to pick me up.  I’ve noticed that the drive to put something in my mouth often comes after we’ve cleared out a small rush of customers, when I’m physically worn out.  At those times, I think maybe it’s not so much an emotional eating thing as it is that I really do need a burst of energy to keep me going, and my body screams at me to fuel it! 

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Either way, I am continuing to try to follow the Weight Watchers plan.  It’s a daily struggle, a literal battle to resist eating things I shouldn’t.  I’m shoving baked Tostitos in my face at this very moment, even though I’m deep into my weekly points today.  It’s not good.  Not good at all.  I want to be thinner.  I want to be healthier.  I want to have more energy.  I want to maybe be a Weight Watchers leader someday.  I won’t be able to do or have or be any of that if I can’t learn to control my actions when my mind or my stomach or my body in general screams at me to put something in my mouth!  It’s terrifying, if you want to know the truth.  I know, it sounds a little dramatic, but if you’re skinny, if you’re a happy regular exerciser, if you’ve never felt what it feels like to have an overwhelming urge to eat something for no good reason, I’m not sure if you can understand.  The fear is there that I’ll never conquer it, that I’ll never be able to consistently win the battle and resist eating what I shouldn’t, when I shouldn’t, and how much I shouldn’t!  Some days it’s just. so. hard.

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Anyway.  I’ll just keep going, because I know for sure that if I quit trying, I’ll never win, and that self-control is just like any muscle.  You have to exercise it, and it gets easier the more you do.  I have to count on that.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Day 9/30- Someone Who Has Made You Feel Like Dirt October 23, 2010

Hello all.  Today’s 30 days topic is the opposite of yesterday’s:  someone who has made your life a living hell or treated you like dirt.  Despite the point of this whole 30 Days thing, which is truth, I don’t think it’s productive to write about someone who has done that, so I’ll write to them.

Dear Co-Workers Frick and Frack,

You are masters.  Masters of the art of cruelty.  You’ve got it down to an art form.  Congratulations.  Treating someone like they are invisible and/or do not exist is one of the cleverest forms of torture ever devised, and both of you have chosen to do that to me in the past, so I commend you on your supreme hatefulness. 

Frick:  you have no idea how deeply it hurts when you walk in and address only the boss and pretend I’m not standing there three feet away from him.  When I have to walk past you to get something and you stand there and don’t move out of my way, like I’m not there and you own the world.  I understand why you’re doing it.  You think I betrayed your confidence.  But you were doing something sneaky and underhanded and backstabbing, and you put me in the middle and I had no choice but to share what I knew because other people needed to know.  That’s my explanation.  Don’t believe it or accept it? That’s fine, but we’re both adults.  (To say we’re mature adults may be taking things too far.) In theory, we should be able to be civil to each other in a business setting.  I don’t think it’s too much for me to ask, for you to not make me feel like something wormy and disgusting on the bottom of your shoe by pretending I don’t exist when you are there.  I realized today that I do that right back to you, but only because I’ve tried to make the effort in the past and you ignored it completely.  Sometimes I want to forgive you, but I don’t know what makes you think you are so special and spectacular and high and mighty.  You’re a climber and a user, and I don’t trust you and I don’t respect you and I don’t know how you can sleep at night. 

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Frack, that month when you were treating me like I was both deadly and invisible was the worst month I’ve ever endured on that job.  You acted as if I had the plague.  When I walked into your line of sight, you backed up.  When I stood near your end of the counter you moved to the opposite end.  When I put down something like a stapler, you’d go find a different one instead of using the one I just put down.  When I was standing between you and the door, you’d go all the way around the room just to avoid coming within two feet of me. When you had something to say and all of us were standing around, you’d specifically address the other girls as if I were not there, purposely excluding me, offering them things like drinks and snacks, and not me.  The only time you spoke to me was if a customer was standing right there and it directly involved their transaction.  You refused to answer when I asked you a question, pretending I hadn’t spoken.  The coldness and hate radiating from you was palpable. You asked other people questions they knew nothing about, when I had just finished answering that very question. You talked trash about me every time I left the room.  And yet you bragged about church, and how you were “cleaning up your game” and you had a “mansion waiting for” you in heaven.  All the while you were doing everything you possibly could to make another person feel pain. 

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I know why you did all that.  I mean, I did bite your head off.  I told you if you snapped at me again, you and I were going to have it out.  After you bit my head off first.  You know what?  That was a little extreme.  You even told people I threatened your life.  And when I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided I was going to have to make the step if it was ever going to improve, I apologized.  I apologized for everything, and you never said a word and you never apologized to me.  Just started acting normal the next Monday.  I guess it doesn’t matter, because it appears to me and everyone else who works with you, that you’re… kinda nuts.  Anyway.  Just wanted you to know that your little plan worked.  You successfully made me feel like dirt every single day for over a month until I backed down and apologized for something you started.  You must feel very gratified, but it doesn’t make you any less crazy.  PS- Obama is not the anti-christ. 

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Until next time,

D.

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The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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