The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

So Far, So Good! January 6, 2017

Hello, all!  Well, one week into 2017.  How’s it looking?  Things are ok in general, I think.  We got some rare winter weather here, which basically means the roads are like a skating rink after dark.  I was on my way home from work a minute ago, didn’t realize how slick it was, lost control and slammed sideways into a curb on the right side.  Scuffed both my rims pretty good, but if there was any tire damage I couldn’t tell it.  SIGH!!

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I’m pretty concerned for my children.  They decided it was a good day to go to the movies.  And when they got out of the movies they found it necessary to stop by Wal-Mart for a minute.  This is disconcerting.  I hope and pray Daughter S. doesn’t have any trouble driving.  If she kills her car she is going to be distraught.  Daughter J. already doesn’t have a car.  She ran her engine out of oil some time ago and has been riding the Mom Taxi ever since.  SIGH again!!

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So in my last post I talked about goals and projects for the new year.  You know, like everyone does.  I didn’t really outline any major plans at that time, but I thought I would share the ones that I came up with after I posted.  In 2017 I am working on the following:

1: Every day I am going to do some form of purposeful exercise, even if it’s tiny. It may be 20 pushups, or 50 leg lifts, or even just lying in the floor breathing from my abdomen with a heavy book on my stomach (a voice lessons thing).  Someday I may feel like doing something more substantial, but for right now that is all I can muster.

2: Every day I am going to drink at least a gallon of water.  I started that the day after Christmas and I have done well.  It definitely seemed to have a positive effect on my Weight Watchers efforts.  My inspiration was something like this:

daily-gallon-water-jug

3:  Every day I am going to take one item, no matter how large or small, from my garage to the trash.  I can’t tackle my garage all in one day.  It’s just a given.  Sometimes I come home from work on Saturday and feel like working on it, and I’ll open the garage door, start dragging things out into the driveway, attempting to sort and organize and cull… and after a few hours my energy disappears and all have done is rearrange the chairs on the Titanic, and I give up and shove it all back in and shut the door down.  So I figure if I take one thing out every single day of the year, by the end I will have made some real progress.  As a side note, I discovered it is super easy to donate things to the new Goodwill store we have here.  I’ve already unloaded one big bag of clothes in 2017 and it’s only the first week.  So I figure if I donate a bag or a box a week, along with the one item a day from garage to trash, I’m golden.  I’ll have a clean garage by this time next year.  I hope.

4:  I’m also going to try really hard to take better care of myself, health and beauty-wise. My mom has always been really good about that. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and put on her Oil of Olay or whatever, with the result that there was a particular smell to “Bedtime Mom” when she came in to tell us goodnight: Listerine and Moisturizer.  Unfortunately, I’ve never been one of those “nightly beauty ritual” girls.  Truthfully, there have been evenings I’ve slept in my stage makeup.  I know, it’s a horrible habit.  So I don’t wash my face every night, or put lotion on my dry cracky feet, or mani-pedi, or any of that stuff.  Half the time I don’t even brush my teeth before bed.  So this year I am going to work on all of that, right down to my toenails.

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All of this is on top of the continuing Weight Loss Saga, as well as the ever-present search for Love and Truth and Answers From The Cosmos, and also trying to learn everything I can from my theater stuff so I will be ready to direct in the next couple of seasons.  I don’t know what I want to direct; I just know I want to do it.  I believe I can.  I would really like to write something for our theatre to produce, and then direct it myself.  That would be the ultimate.  I just don’t have any good ideas yet.

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For now, my most important goal is to not crash my car on my way to work in the morning.  And holding my breath until the kids get home from town.  Everybody be safe out there!

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Until next time,

D.

P.S.  The kids just pulled in the driveway.  Whew!!!

 

 

Welcome, 2017! January 1, 2017

Filed under: Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 1:13 pm
Tags: , , ,

Hello all! Today seems like an excellent day to begin re-organizing priorities and I want to make writing more a priority this year.  I haven’t posted to this blog in way too long- I think it’s been almost a year, if not more.  I’ve let technological challenges like not owning an actual computer get in my way. I’ve let blog entries that were begun and accidentally deleted derail my few feeble attempts at blogging. I’ve let the erroneous idea that I had nothing of value to say knock me off my track.  But no more.  I’m here, and once again, for what feels like the millionth time, I’m going to try to find, and continue to use, my voice.

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So it’s a new year!  Wow. The past year seemed to take on a life of its own, didn’t it??  By the end, some people were convinced the year 2016 was a sentient being, and a malevolent one at that- taking the lives of beloved celebrities one after the other.  I was really only touched by three, one of which I didn’t remember until I saw my Facebook memories, started out 2016 on this day last year- Wayne Rogers.  And then in a splash of irony, another M*A*S*H cast member died on the last day of 2016- William Christopher.  That one really made me sad.  M*A*S*H was my favorite show of all time, and the loss of any of those incredible actors is just …un-put-into-words-able.  It’s not like the loss of a celebrity is personally devastating, I mean come on.  We didn’t know them, not really.  And when they are mostly an old favorite and not someone we still see in the public eye on a regular basis, it’s really more of a nostalgia thing than any real and visible loss. Still, it’s a sad milestone. By the way, the other one was Prince, and I could write a whole new blog entry about the long bygone era when Prince was a big part of my life’s soundtrack.

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And speaking of things taking on a life of their own, how about that election, huh?  Despite being something that happens regularly every four years, that just felt unprecedented.  The rallies and the speeches and the personal tone this one took.  It seems to me that in the past, whom you supported in an election basically just indicated your opinion of the role of government. But now, wow! Knowing how someone voted takes on a level of illumination into their entire belief system, and it’s not pretty.  It doesn’t seem to me like knowing what political candidate you supported has ever before been such a cause to make judgments on your level of intelligence.  At least that’s how it is for me. Maybe I’ve just never paid that much attention before.  I do tend to live in my own little bubble and not notice what’s going on out there.  My 9th grade composition teacher, Mrs. H., once told me, in response to a journal writing prompt where she asked for opinions on a current event and I said I didn’t know and didn’t care,  “…you are simply going to have to become more aware of the world around you!”  I’m trying.  Really.  It’s only taken 30 years, but honestly I think most people prefer to live in ignorant bliss because World reality is often scary and depressing. For me, anyway.

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One thing I think fights off Scary and Depressing is having goals and plans and dreams.  In the absence of an active, well-defined belief in a ‘Higher Power’ I think what most people use to fight off the stress of being too informed about the goings-on in the world (yes, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing you could be) is just to have their wants and desires mapped out.  They know the answers to the questions, ‘Who are you, what is important to you, what do you want, and where do you want to be?”  Some of us spend our lives in the search for those answers and never feel like we have found them, some of us figure it out early and get started and never let up, and some of us change our answers over time, depending on the season of life we happen to be in at the moment.  I won’t tell you which of those people I am, but I think if you know me in real life, you can probably narrow it down. I’d really like to work toward finding more answers this year.  It feels like I’ve been just sort of treading water and surviving for a while now.

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So basically I’m going to give it a little more thought before I post one of those big, enthusiastic bullet point lists about my Goals and Dreams in the New Year.  I did notice I woke up very Manic today.  A quick glimpse at my Facebook memories made me realize I do that very often.  It seems pretty normal, you know?  It’s a New Day!  It’s a New Year!  Do ALL THE THINGS!  And that lasts about 24 hours.  So I think I’m going to try to keep an actual calendar journal, in which every day I write down the things that jump out at me as Must Do’s and the topics and thoughts that I have strong opinions on for future blog posts.  There are so many good ideas out there!  So many things to try.  We live in a world that includes Pinterest, y’all.  The ultimate mirror to hold up in front of ourselves and say “Do this, do it just like this, make it look Fabulous, or we’re going to mock you mercilessly for all eternity!” But honestly, I think there is worth. A lot of motivational and self-help ideas, tips, tricks.  One of the ones I think I am going to implement in my own life is meant to help you create a more positive outlook at the end of the year by writing down something positive every day (or week?) and putting it in a jar.  At the end of the year you read it all and get reminded what a great year it really was.  I think I need that. I have the perfect jar, too.  A few years ago, I took my kids on a really special vacation.  We had created a jar to save money in and decorated it with pictures.  That vacation had its good and bad moments, but it was the biggest thing I had ever done up to that point, and I think by using that jar to put my positives in, as well as money, I can remind myself that Big Things are still possible.  I struggle with remembering that there are still many adventures ahead of me.  I feel trapped and stuck a lot.  So I’m going to work on that.

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And with that I’m going to bring this post to a close.  I did wake up manic, after all, and there are things that need done around here that are literally screaming at me in my head:  Take the Christmas Tree Down!!  Clean up the mess from deciding what to wear from the party last night!! Get rid of a bunch of clothes! Clean the bathroom!  Eat something healthy!  Exercise!  Go clean up Mom’s yard!

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So you guys have a great year.  Make it awesome.  You don’t have to make it huge and mind-blowing and all-encompassing and un-toppable.  Just be like Jack on Titanic.  Make each day count. Love and blessings to all!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No More ABCs April 14, 2016

Hello, all!  Well, my plan to follow the A-Z challenge has clearly gone off the rails. I have no excuse, really. I just let it slip through my hands. Last time I tried to do this, I only got a few days behind and would write entries covering two or three letters at a time and made it through the whole month. I think I’m like ten days behind at this point, so I’m just calling it. A-Z Challenge- time of death 9:56pm.

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So what else can I talk about if I am not constrained by an alphabet theme?  I had a fun few moments tonight endulging in nostalgia. I was at my mom’s house and she found an old box of cassette tapes that was my music collection in high school. One of the tapes she found was Weird Al’s “Dare To Be Stupid” album. She popped it into the tape player and although it sounded pretty warp-y, it was really funny to hear all those old songs I hadn’t heard in a while. And as an added bonus I discovered a way to torture my 14 year old son! He has always liked Weird Al pretty well when I would listen around the house or in the car or whatnot. But tonight! Oh, tonight, he was quite adamant that the warped-sounding tape playing “YODA” was something sent from Satan. I kept singing along and annoying him as he was literally dragging me away from the room where the tape player was and begging to go home. Then when we got in the car, I kept singing what I could remember of the song, just to aggravate him, and he decided he would fight fire with fire, plugged his phone into the auxiliary cord and played his favorite heavy metal or whatever genre it falls into, from a group entitled, I believe, “Dream Evil.”  Sadly for him, that particular song didn’t bother me that much.

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Tomorrow night The Boy and I are getting together with some theater friends and watching the movie of the next play that the theater is doing, “Mary Poppins.” We are meeting in someone’s home and everyone is bringing food. They thought people might enjoy watching the movie to get jazzed up for auditions. I’m not even sure I am auditioning for the show, but I usually enjoy hanging out with the theater people, and goodness knows The Boy needs some social interaction, so I thought why not?

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The other thing I have been wanting to get the kid involved in is improv. ALT has started a new group. They meet weekly and play improv games along the lines of “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” I was trying to explain what it was all about and I told him to look up Whose Line on YouTube and he loved it!! We watched it together for quite a little while and I am thinking he may go with me to the next meeting. This is all with an eye toward getting him to audition for Poppins, or the next musical later in the season. He is a ham, he is hilarious, and he is good off the cuff, a natural performer.

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Anyway. I guess we will see what happens. It is entirely possible that one theater nerd in the family is enough.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

To D or Not To D April 6, 2016

Hello, all!

“Oh, to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!”

“That sounds to me like you’re daunted. Say it again like you’re UNDAUNTED!”

Another word for undaunted might be determined. I need determination right now in so many areas of my life. I need determination to work on my health and weight loss. I need determination in my theater pursuits, to not get depressed when I don’t get cast, and to help promote the theater and the arts. I need determination to do the best I can as a parent and to deal with and face any challenges with my kids that might come up. I need determination to re-train my brain and learn to love and appreciate myself.

So much determination! I don’t know at this point where it will come from, but I know I have to find it.

Today’s poem:

Daring and dauntless

reach for the brass ring.

Grasp the dream and live it

Determined.

Nothing stands

between me and greatness.

I am there.

 

DD

4/06/16

11:26pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

C’s The Day April 5, 2016

Filed under: A-Z,Mood Swings,Weight Woes,Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 10:31 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello, all! I have technically failed the April writing challenges already, since I didn’t write yesterday. But you know what? We are not going to worry about that.  Not a thing we can do to turn back time, so might as well move forward from here. I was going to try to catch up by combining this entry into a C post AND a D post but I decided it was too late at night for that. My C topics are cats, candy, and crying.

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About the cats.  We have three. Yes, I know for most people that is three too many, but hey, I know someone who has NINE cats. Anyway, I don’t love them and I don’t necessarily hate them. I just hate the consequences of having them in my life. When the kids don’t clean out the litter box, my house smells. They have literally destroyed the carpet under every single door in this house by scratching to get into or out of rooms with shut doors.  And they have also destroyed my couch. I mean, granted, that thing is on its third owner. But it would still be in better shape if we didn’t have cats.

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Candy is just something there is no longer any of, left in my house. My family had their Easter celebrations late because my parents were out of town until this past weekend. My mom made baskets for everyone and there was quite a lot of candy to be had around here. This is, of course, a bad thing, because where there is candy, I will, of course, eat it. I have been engaging in a fierce battle with myself lately about eating and food and weight and self esteem, and I am losing that battle in spectacular fashion: I eat, I gain weight, I utterly loathe myself and everything about me.  This is a bad thing, and I know it. I know I am supposed to believe that people are beautiful no matter what size they are.  I am supposed to remember that sexy is an attitude. And I am supposed to know without a doubt that the most important part of any person is NOT what you see on the scale or in the mirror. I can’t do that and I don’t know why. I can’t believe or remember or know. I wish I could. I’m working on it.

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Which leads me to the final topic, crying. I have done a lot of that lately and I know it hasn’t done me a bit of good. I just have to throw off my pity party hat and throw on my “I have done this before and I can do it again” hat. Yes, it sucks royally to have to re-lose weight you have already lost once, to fight yet again a battle you have fought over and over before. I don’t know what the secret is, but if I figure it out, I will be sure to pass it on.

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And now, my C poem:

Catch me if you can

as I fall into a river of tears.

i shed them.

They come in a downpour

and rise high enough to sink ships.

My sunglasses sit on my face.

I’d like to think they hide my eyes

but really

they don’t.

my eyes are seen behind them

as the tears seep out from underneath.

Crying.

DD

4/5/16

11:25pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

B Is For Bias, Bodies, and Boyfriends April 3, 2016

Hello, all!  Day 2 of the April challenges is here, so let’s get right into it. B is for Bias and Bodies. And Boyfriends, while we’re on the subject.

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I mentioned in my last post that I had auditioned for a show recently. Ardmore Little Theater is currently in rehearsals for “I Ought To Be In Pictures.” It is a play by Neil Simon with a cast of only three people: a man, a woman, and a late-teenage girl. Initially I went in thinking I didn’t really have a snowball’s chance of winning the adult female role. I really wanted to play the character because I felt like I really understood her. I had some concerns about some parts of the show, but overall I would have loved the chance to work through and around my issues and play the role.

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So I went in thinking I didn’t really have a chance, but at the time, I was thinking it was because there would be someone who was obviously better than I was, and they would get the part. Well, after the first night of auditions, I was kind of surprised. I had done what I thought was maybe my best audition ever and I thought Maybe I actually had a shot. The second night of auditions, when I discovered we were going to be reading the same scene again, I asked one of my friends if I should try to do it exactly the same as I had the night before or do it differently, and she said to do it differently. So as I watched everyone else read, I thought, “How can I be different from everyone else? How can I do it better than last night?” And I came up with the idea to take it in the opposite direction emotionally and take a completely different tone.  After the reading, I felt like it had been a good choice. Nobody else had gone that direction but me, at least not that I could remember. There was one lady who I felt was pretty good, but I felt like I showed more realistic emotion. Or something. I am not even sure now. I think I just generally thought I was better. BUT. She had one huge advantage. She was much thinner.

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When it came to the guys, two of them were similar but seemed pretty good to me, and the third just seemed a little bland and emotionless. Not very realistic. And there again he was the thinnest of the three. So guess who got cast? The two thin people, which really should not have surprised me, and perhaps really didn’t, because at one point they were onstage together and I thought, “I’m looking at the cast of this show right now.”

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Anyway. One of the things about theater is that the result of an audition is never truly in our hands. We might think we are the best choice, but it is all about the director’s vision and only he or she knows what that is. But in this case, I felt like the primary deciding factor was appearances. That may or not have been entirely the case, but that was how I took it. How I felt. And it did something to me. Well, several things, but mostly it reminded me of the fact of appearance bias in theater and every other field and facet of the world. No one is immune to it.

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But on this occasion, the reminder of that bias was almost crushing. I felt very angry that day. I thought I could see very clearly that large people are only allowed to be characters in a few specific situations: they are poor, they are Southern, they are stupid, or they are morally deficient. I tried to think, all day when I was at work after the cast was posted, of specific examples both from our local theater and from professional theater and in TV and movies, that supported my theory:  extra large actors and the roles they play.

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The problem is that theater is the very definition of unreality. See, in the real world, fat and unattractive people get married, have sex, and get divorced. In the world of theatre, nobody wants to see that up on stage, larger than life in spotlights in a play about love and sex. It is not fair but it is reality. No sense whining about it when it’s what we sign up for.

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Anyway, the long and short of it was that it made me reconsider the possibility of ever playing a big role, or one I really wanted. I thought I didn’t want to do it if I was up against that bias. I thought I didn’t even want to play roles I might be perfect for, if I had to play them at the size I am now. I started thinking about dislike for self and downright self-hatred and how it spills over onto others and I wondered where my compassion went. (I also realized it is getting harder for me to look people in the eyes at work, but I am not sure there is a connection there.)

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So. It was a rough couple of days. I identified a part I want in one of the shows for next season, but immediately began wondering if I were good enough. And then I wanted to back out because I want to play the part but I don’t want to play her at this size. And then I thought, well why not? If someone’s going to play her, it might as well be me.

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This entry is getting too long, but I wanted to throw in the topic of boyfriends and how it seems like I always want one, but the only guys I have loved, liked, seriously crushed on, or considered crushing on, have all had significant mental issues, by which I mean depression or bipolar or some variation on that theme. I wonder whether I am drawn to these people or I draw them to me. My counselor the other day said something I have known for years, but because of the current climate of my emotions toward myself and my size and all, it was quite depressing to be reminded of:  you have to love yourself before you can get anyone else to love you. And in the mental headspace I am in right now, all I could think was “Boy, am I screwed!”

Without further ado, today’s B Poem:

Bodies

beautiful or not,

Seen through our own eyes.

what is

or what isn’t

rejoice or cry,

but  always judge.

Always criticize.

Bodies

float

or waltz

or waddle

across a stage

or a screen

and into our imagination

catalogued

by categories of value

based on appearances

Bias is like air

it surrounds and touches,

it is inside and outside

and no matter

what the inside says…

the outside makes the decisions

for all of us

DD

4/3/16

2:04am

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

A is for Actors April 1, 2016

Hello, all!

Welcome to April, where blogging-wise I am in over my head.

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One of my Facebook friends posted about NaPoWriMo and a few others talked about the Blogging A-Z challenge, and I thought I would be the classic Overachiever and combine them. So I am going to try to blog every day in April except Sundays, AND write a poem, AND stick to a theme that follows the alphabet. Heaven help me.

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So, Day 1.  A is for actors.

Tonight I went to a local high school and watched their performance of The Sound of Music. A couple of my theater friends went with me and it was a nice evening.

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I mainly went for the sake of one kiddo- he was one of my actors when I stage-managed Grease in 2014 and I have watched him in his HS production of it as well. He played the character of Max tonight, and I thought he was wonderful, a joy to watch every time he is onstage. I can’t wait to see what his future holds.

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I wanted to talk about the theater experience and how we learn and grow as actors and how we get better at every audition, hopefully. Recently I auditioned for our local theater’s production of “I Ought To Be In Pictures” and wasn’t cast. I was pretty down about it, but I realized I had given the best audition I had ever done, and it was obvious I am learning and getting better, so I was happy about that. Appearance Bias in theater is another A-word that has been on my mind lately, but that is another post.

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So. In of  honor of my favorite Greaser, and myself, here is my first poem of the month, and it is also titled with an A-word.

Actor In Training

Actor in training,
Move across the stage.
Show us who you’re playing,
Their joy
Sorrow
Rage.

Actor in training
Move us with your song.
Tell another’s story
Make us sing along.

Actor in training
Give the boards your all.
The show goes on
The lights don’t dim
Until the curtain falls.

DD
4/1/16
9:26am

Until next time,

D

 

 

 

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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