The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

When Is St. Patrick’s Day, Again? February 14, 2013

An array of Valentine's Day-connotated candy d...

An array of Valentine’s Day-connotated candy decor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  For starters, is there any holiday that causes more angst than Valentines Day?  I’m thinking no.  Seriously.  I see it from all corners.  There are those (in relationships) who say it is crass and commercial and has nothing to do with real love or the expression of it.  Just generalizing here, but they are probably the ones who forget their anniversary and buy their wives a power saw for Christmas.  Then there are those (in relationships) who stress out over what to get their loved one, because they embrace it as a perfect occasion to go all out in an effort to give an end-all, be-all gift to prove to their beloved what they could say every day if they wanted to, but they don’t.  Instead, they only seem to express their feelings on special occasions. And then there are the ones who express their love regularly, every day, for whom Valentines Day is just another day to be who they are.  Those are the ones whose partners are their biggest cheerleaders on the Social Media Scene, always bragging about them and sharing their love and joy with two or three hundred of their dearest acquaintances, semi-intentionally reminding everyone else that they’re dating or married to an unloving, uncaring, clueless, mouth-breathing clod.  And in addition to all that angst from people who are actually in relationships on V-Day, there are those in the Single camp who fall into only two categories:  Single and Thankful… or Single and Desperately Bitter about it.  Not really any need to define those two, is there?

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Actually there’s a third Single category- “Single and Thankful they’re not married to the spouses of 90% of the people they know, but basically a little bitter that the other 10% seem to have found someone so apparently perfect and why in the name of all that’s sane couldn’t I have made a better choice when I had the chance, so I’d at least maybe fall somewhere between Stuck With Someone I Hate, and I’m So In Love I Make Everyone Hurl.”  Yep, that’s my category, all right.

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I can’t really complain.  My kids got me a card and my mom gave me a single rose, and I know I’m loved and all that.  I’m actually pretty jazzed about all the positives of being single.  I don’t have to put up with someone else’s bad behaviors, bad choices, and bad attitudes. (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I can go where I like and do what I feel like doing without having to get someone’s approval or permission.  I don’t have to compromise on mind-numbing things like new vacuum cleaners and wall paint colors.  I am the one who decides on Vacation Destinations.  (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I could say I don’t have to clean and pick up after someone else, but I can’t even type that with a straight face, and besides, those Perfect Spouse people clean up after themselves and help around the house without being nagged about it.

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So all in all, Valentines Day is just a day to sit back and study sociology.  Watch the efforts of those desperate people who end up in the Dollar Store at 9:30 pm because they don’t want to find themselves sleeping on the couch.  Watch the joy of those who are married to/dating The Perfect People.  Watch those Single Friends who shout the praises of their single state and waiting for God’s Mr. Right For You, and buy chocolate for themselves and eat it alone.  It’s a day for all of that…and to look forward to getting bombed on Saint Patrick’s Day!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Weddings, Williams, and Water Heaters June 25, 2011

Robin-Williams

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  Today has actually gone pretty smoothly, for the most part.  The Second Person I Used To Be Married To came and picked up myself and Daughter J. this morning so that I could go to work and she could go to Campfire Day Camp.  I went to work, I packed, I shipped, I mailed, I faxed, I wired.  We closed early so that we could go to the wedding I mentioned previously. 

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All during the ceremony, I felt really guilty about my perpetual negativity from last night.  I was really happy for my friend.  She is happy, she looked beautiful, and I am extremely hopeful that their marriage will be a good one.  I was sure it would be one of those weddings where the couple are both super-emotional and crying from beginning to end, ’cause that’s just how they are.  It started out that way, what with Groom Greg tearing up when the bridesmaids’ music started and plucking Kleenex from his pocket before they ever opened the door for the bride.  She managed to keep it together though- walking down the aisle on her dad’s arm, it looked like it was all she could do to keep from busting into a sprint.  She looked joyful, and I think that more than anything else helped him, as he later put it, “find the faucet and turn off the waterworks.”  

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I sat with all the rest of the people I work with and for… my boss and his wife and sons on one side, my formerly-known-as Crazy Co-Worker and her son on the other.  It was actually quite weird, because the last time all of us were in a church together was when they closed the store early so they could come to MY wedding!  I wondered if they were were thinking of that at all, and if they were drawing comparisons as to the differences in the two couples and the odds of survival for this newest marriage.  I hoped not.  But I was.  That was the basis for my crappy attitude last night, I think; I just felt the weight of perceived Failed-ness and felt somewhat crushed under it.  But later it was funny- after the wedding was over, my boss’s wife gushed, “I just love weddings!  Don’t you just love the romance and happiness!? I want to get married again, don’t you?!”  I just blathered unthinkingly something about “Oh yes, it was lovely!  She just looked beautiful!”  But on the way out to my aunt’s house to pick up the van, The Second Person I Used to Be Married To was listening to me relate the story, and I suddenly realized that my answer to that question should have been along the lines of Robin Williams‘ comedy routine about Scotsmen and Golf, where he’s explaining the origin of the game and a drunken Scot is explaining his idea about the 18 holes, and the other guy goes,  “Oh, and you do this one time?” and Robin goes  “F*** NO!” 

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What I love about me and him is that we can still laugh at that.  Which we did.  Then we went and got the van and returned to my house to see if we could re-light the water heater pilot after I turned it off as per the instructions on the bug foggers.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t seem to get it re-lit, which made me cranky in the extreme.  Further, I found we still had fleas, so after I had wasted a half-dozen matches trying to light the stupid pilot, I gave up and decided to set off the two remaining foggers and go spend another night at Mom and Dad‘s house, even though they are currently somewhere in TEXAS! 

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And that is where I remain, currently being tortured by my children’s television programming choices.  (NickToons, anyone??)  I guess we’ll stay here again tonight, but I’ll probably zip back over to the house later to collect some church clothes for all of us, because if I don’t, I won’t want to go in the morning and we’ll end up missing church.  I’d hate to do that.  I’m sure God expects me to go to church if I expect Him to help me find a way to get my car fixed and still get our passports and go on our cruise next year!   (Yeah, yeah, I know God’s not a ‘You scratch my back, I scratch yours’ kinda guy.) 

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So anyway.  I’m off to go eat a store-bought frozen pizza that’s probably not conducive to my dieting efforts, what with the coma-inducing amounts of sugary wedding cake and punch I ate today, but I’m gonna eat it anyway.  Surely 4 days a week of Turbo is worth SOMETHING!!!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Life is Weird. But… May 9, 2011

Wildflowers of Michigan: Viola (wild violets):...

Image by juggernautco via Flickr

Hello all.  You know what?  Life is just weird.  I don’t really have a direction for this entry, by the way.  I’m just sort of talking out of my head for a bit.  There’s so much on my mind, and as usual, I’m hoping I can find a way to articulate it all, effectively. 

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One thing I wanted to write about a few days ago was on the topic of marriage, or more appropriately, divorce.  This was on my mind because on May 3rd, I secured my “man-made piece of paper” (divorce decree) that superceded the previous “man-made piece of paper” (marriage license) and now I’m legally single again.  I don’t know what I wanted to say about that, exactly.  I’ve retyped this sentence almost 10 times and I still can’t figure out what to say.  I’m divorced.  AGAIN.  I was taught in my church that because I didn’t divorce for the reason of adultery, that I can never remarry again without being guilty of adultery myself for as long as I am in that marriage.  I really struggle with that, and not just because it would mean spending the next 50 years alone.  I struggle with whether anything I’ve been taught is really what God says or whether it’s largely a human being’s faulty, flawed, skewed, biased, HUMAN interpretation of God’s will.  I struggle with whether it’s possible for any human to really know what God’s will is, and how you can know if what you think God’s will is, is right! 

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It’s not like it matters.  I don’t have any prospects at the moment.  I don’t have even have any prospects of having prospects!  I am singularly single and thoroughly unattached.  My most recent former husband and I are still good friends and we’re still close enough that we could go out on a date every so often if we wanted to.  (I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone reading this, but it’s way too complicated to explain.  I’m not even sure I understand it.  We didn’t divorce because we didn’t love each other, and that’s all I can really say about that.) 

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Anyway.  There’s more on my mind than just my newly minted single status.  My grandmother has been very ill for the last week, and is scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow.  She may not make it through the surgery.  I wanted to send her a card, to tell her that despite her fears, I believe that she CAN survive the surgery and regain her health, that she has been through a lot of stuff in her life and survived, because she’s a strong woman.  I know this, because *I*am a strong woman, and a strong woman can’t come from a line of wimps!  But I didn’t get the card to my parents, who are on their way to be with her during her surgery.  I told my mom on the phone tonight what I wanted to say to my Grandma, and hopefully it will sink in a little. 

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You know, I was so scared that Grandma being sick and having surgery and possibly not making it would derail our Disney trip plans.  We’re supposed to leave May 27th, and I was very afraid we’d have to reschedule and I felt soooo guilty about that.  But I know that it’s normal to not want something that has been so long anticipated to be postponed, and that it doesn’t mean I don’t love my grandma, or that I don’t care if my dad loses his mother.  Of course not.  But now I’m choosing to believe that Grandma will make it through the surgery and be recovering nicely when we get on a plane to Florida.

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On top of all that, I’m also just kinda marveling a little, both at myself and at how strange life is becoming.  I have mentioned previously (I know, a lot) that I’ve been exercising.  Today I finally tried the last class, the one that intimidated me the most, Hip Hop Hustle.  It was fun, and not even as hard as I thought it was going to be.  (I still can’t really do those steps and moves right, but I’m trying!)  The crazy part is that today…  I went to both TurboKick AND Hip Hop Hustle!  I just can’t believe it’s me doing all this!  Me, the person who used to say it was crazy and nuts and insane to work out more than once in a day, or indeed, to get up at 5:00a.m. for the sole purpose of exercising!  The person whose favorite thing to do in the whole wiiiiide world is to lie in a horizontal position and read a book!  The person who has always hated physical exertion “like, worse than liver!”  Yet, here I am.  See, the thing is, I talked about motion, about action, and movement and so on, but I don’t think I really saw this one coming, this “me as a regular exerciser” thing.  I don’t think I reeeeally thought I’d ever become an active person.  But I’m enjoying it. A lot! 

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That’s what I mean when I say life is weird.  Not just once, but two times now, I’ve divorced someone I loved, who still pretty much loved me, but who it just wasn’t a good idea to stay married to anymore.  I’ve always hated exercise, thought of myself as a complete NON-ATHLETE, and I’m working out 5X a week and planning to take part in a 5k with mud and obstacle course!  What. The. Heck!?  And more than that, I’m starting to realize that although there were things I loved about teaching, I don’t want to be a classroom teacher in a K12 public school!  There is an opening right here in my local school and although part of me still feels the urge to apply, I am acutely aware now, that I don’t love trying to make teenagers behave.  I don’t love having to teach to a test.  I don’t love being held responsible for the learning (or failure at learning) of kids who may or may not be having their most basic life needs met outside of school, like a place to live, food to eat, and love and nurture!  But I loved trying to nurture the kids.  I loved trying to show them how much I cared and wanted them to learn, and wanted the best for them.  I just wasn’t good at keeping them under control so as to facilitate that learning process!

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I actually have a possible career change coming, and I’m not going to go into detail about it until I know for sure, but I’m really excited and hopeful about it, because it seems like a very good fit for me with regard to who I am as an educator.  I’m praying it is where God wants me to be and as such, that it works out positively.  Stay tuned for more on that.

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All in all, I am in a very non-angst-y place at the moment.  I’m happy.  I’m active.  I’m full of faith that my Grandma is going to be fine, and that we will get to take our long-awaited trip, and that I am about to find where I belong in the career field I trained for, which is sooooo happiness-inducing!  In short… dudes, Life. Is. Sweet!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Things I Know After Yesterday’s Post… May 7, 2010

Hello all!  Wow- yesterday’s post was my second-highest read ever.  Certainly it inspired some great comments and conversations in different forums.  I want to thank those who read and commented.  Please know that I do have peace with the situation.  I know I am forgiven for anything I’ve done that was wrong, and I know that being legally divorced is where I need to be at this point, for the reasons of abandonment and irreconcilable differences.  (Aside from the emotional aspect, the hardest part is finding the $$!) I know God knows my mind and heart because He made me.  Because of this, I know that if He wants me to find love again and be married again someday, He will propel the right person into my path. 

I know that the most important things in my life are my family and friends, and trying to influence them to join me in loving God and believing in Jesus, and living so that we’ll someday see Heaven.  That’s all I’ve ever tried to do.

Thanks again for reading, for commenting, and for being seekers on the journey with me!  And maybe after this post, I can get on with the business of trying to be funny!

Love and blessings to all! 

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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Mostly Bright Ideas

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