The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

As Someone Once Said… I HAVE RETURNED! October 11, 2013

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This was the beach area of the resort where we stayed.

Hello all!  Ok, I’m not sure if anyone ever actually said that or not.  I have heard it all my life and never bothered to look it up.  Oh, right.  Soo not the point.  Sorry.  What I MEANT to say was that I am HOME from The Blathering 2013!  Charleston! Ocean Breezes! (Gulf breezes, anyway.) Palmettos, and their identically named bugs! So many other single words with exclamation points I could throw in there that nobody would get unless they were present!  (Note:  this is going to turn out to be more of a trip report than a recap and so might run a little long.)

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It was fun.  Really, really fun.  I started out a little iffy.  My mom drove me to the airport in Dallas.  (Love Field, if you’re interested.) We spent what felt like a lifetime stuck in traffic, couldn’t FIND the airport, but finally got a clue by calling the airport for directions.  You GUYS! I know.  I have a smart phone.  Yellow case and all.  But seriously.  My battery sucks itself down like cheap wine and for some reason my maps app is completely not at all clear to me.  I don’t know how to make it work right. (which explains why I had to be escorted halfway back to my departure point at the end of the weekend, but more on that later.)

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So we finally got to the airport, Mom booted me out at the curb, I heaved my suitcase out of the back of the truck (yes, we were in a pickup truck.  Southern, ya’ll.)  I checked in, checked my bag, got to security.  Took off all my shoes and junk, stuffed everything in a tray, fed it through the machine, walked through the scanner, and when I walked to the end of the table to get my tray, it’s not there.  It’s been pulled to the side with another tray, and right in front of me, I see and hear two security guys get all nervous and wide-eyed-looking at each other, and then one of them speaks into an electronic gadget and from across the room I hear a shriek:  “ALL STOP!!” and literally everyone in the immediate area freezes.  Just freezes.  Security people are swooping in from everywhere and discussions are held in Serious Undertone and apparently there are images with no corresponding bags.  Or something.  Whatever it is, it takes them a good solid ten minutes to figure it out, they have to scan my bag through another machine, and eventually I am sent on my way with thanks for my patience.  Patience, HA!  If they could have taken a blood pressure reading on me, they would not have thought I was so patient.

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So I threw my stuff back in the bag, stomped back into my shoes, ran to find a monitor, sprinted up the stairs, trotted toward my assigned gate, and… missed my boarding group.  I had been in Group A but they were almost through B before I got there.  Nevertheless, I got a seat, next to a nice looking lady who, THANKFULLY, had chosen to sit in the middle seat, her traveling companion being in the window seat.  So I sat, and tried to compose myself.  Posted to Facebook:  “On the plane. Taking off in a few. BP in the stratosphere. Prayers appreciated! Love to all….”  During takeoff I was thinking about how they say there are no atheists in foxholes, and I thought it’s surprising that they can’t say that about airplanes too.  When you really think about it, it’s kind of amazing.  How does something that big and heavy get up in the air? And stay up?  Yeah, I know, it has to do with physics or something.  So anyway, I prayed when we took off, and it was fine, as I knew it would be, but then… I got a little emotional.  Something about the ‘traveling by myself’ thing, which I was doing for the first time.  It was exciting and fun, but also a little sad.  I wished I could be going somewhere with a Significant Other.  I thought about the people I like from the theater and wondered what it would be like if I were going on a trip with someone like that.  About off-color jokes and funny remarks they would whisper in my ear as we took off, to keep me from being nervous.  About the things we would enjoy experiencing together in a new city.  I wondered if I would ever have that.  So yeah, maybe a bit selfish, but that is where my thoughts were at the time.

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BUT.  Not to get too off track with the story here, (or is it way too late for that?) I made it through the quick flight to Houston, was late getting to the gate for the next leg, but thankfully, one of my roommates was on the same flight and had made it there in a more timely manner and was saving me a seat. (Thanks, S.E.G.!)  She texted me and posted to the Fb group, and I was in the tunnel trying to get to the plane, and she was super relieved to have that piece of information!  So I made it onboard and we hugged and proceeded to chat.  Lord, I felt sorry for the people around us, y’all.  I am pretty sure we were silent for approximately 30 seconds total of that entire flight.

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But we made it to Charleston, claimed our luggage, met the girl who was picking us up, and the other girl who was riding with us (Erin! Arwen!)  and made it to the hotel.  It was pretty funny immediately- the girls from cooler climates were like, “Ohmygod it’s so hot!” and us Southern girls were like, “Wow, this is so nice!”

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My room made me happy! So. Yellow!!

But we got to the resort, checked in, rested in our room, which was happy and yellow!  We explored outside, walked on the dock.  Our other roommate (Ginger!) arrived at some point in there and we headed downtown for exploring and supper.  I really enjoyed walking around downtown Charleston.  So many interesting things to see and street names I had mostly heard in Gone With The Wind and its spinoffs.  We ended up having dinner at the Charleston Crab House, which was really good.  I had already abandoned all intention of even pretending to be on Weight Watchers that weekend, and my first food in Charleston was a seafood linguini alfredo drenched in cheese. I know.  But it was super good.  Our table was on the rooftop, which would become another theme on the trip.  We spent a lot of time on rooftops.  Apparently it’s a thing.

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This was my first dinner in Charleston- taken at sunset from the roof of the Charleston Crab House.

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After dinner we walked, and walked, and walked, which was good, but tiring.  Some of us were supposed to do a ghost tour later that evening, and several of the potential tourists were too pooped by the time the tour finally rolled around.  But we did our fair share of walking, stumbled across a TV series being filmed, (sources report it was the series, Reckless. ?) and finally joined the other group before some of us took off on the ghost tour.  I was developing blisters on my feet by this time, but the ghost tour was enjoyable.  It was a little hokey, but fun.  The tour guide clearly spent hours looking in the mirror practicing his wide-eyed spooky face and voice, but it was fun.  I didn’t find out until a few days after returning home that all that walking had netted me 8 (EIGHT!) WW activity points on my ActiveLink monitor.  Go, me!

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After that there was a rooftop bar, a chatty cab lady, and a collapse into bed.  Next morning was brunch at Eli’s Table (where I had grits for the first time- they were awesome).  Things kind of begin to run together at this point, but there was a lot of walking around downtown, souvenir buying, fudge eating, water taxi riding, salami sitting, sailor hats, glow glasses, bowling balls, buzzy beverages, weddings, drunk douche-y wedding guests, popsicles, pineapple fountains, more souvenir buying, doughnuts, Shrimp and Grits, and yellow.  Lots of talk about yellow.  That’s just me.  I have a feeling that some of the girls I hung out with will immediately think of me every time they hear the word yellow from now until eternity.

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This is apparently one of the big attractions of Waterfront Park.

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I hadn’t managed to find time to do any of the tours I had hoped to do other than the ghost tour, but I woke up early enough on Sunday to go down to the resort dock and watch the sunrise and try to spend some time in reflection and contemplation.  I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t really get my brain to shut down.  But here is one of the pictures I took of that time.

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On Sunday after the Farewell Doughnuts, when we got ready to leave it was hard to figure out what everyone wanted to do, but we ended up just going downtown and finding lunch at a nice place called Lowcountry Bistro.  That was where the Shrimp and Grits came in, complete with fried green tomatoes on top.  They were wonderful, and apparently they are yet another Southern Thing I had no idea about, but I really enjoyed them.  When lunch was finished, I needed to go pick up my suitcase from one of the girls’ hotel, (Jess!) and catch a cab to the airport, and bless their hearts, those girls had to practically walk halfway back to the hotel with me to make sure I was pointed in the right direction.  So serious, y’all, I am so bad with directions there should be medical treatment for it.  A pill, an injection, hypnotic therapy, something!

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My overall impression was this:  it was a great weekend full of fun new things, new people, and adventures.  I can see how these ladies look forward to being together again each year, and how this becomes the one big getaway of the year for some of them.  I had a hard time joining in and being part of the group at first.  That’s just me- I can talk forever, but I’m shy.  I like to sit back and watch and listen at first.  The first day or two after I got home, I kept thinking it was fun enough, but not something I would probably do again, just because it seemed extravagant and expensive to go spend a long weekend with a bunch of folks I really don’t know that well and sit there feeling shy and awkward and worrying that they will think I’m a snob.  Most of them were younger and still had small kiddos, and I just wasn’t in the same place in life as a lot of them.  And yet…there were similar experiences- pregnancy loss, marriage issues, complicated relationships, crossroads of faith and religion.  I ended up having really great conversations with some of these ladies about these things and more, and now as I write this, I’m thinking I would love to go back again.   The next event will be in Seattle in 2014, and if things work out right, I really do think I would do it all again.

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So thanks again to all the wonderful ladies I met, those I talked to and those I didn’t, but especially to my roommates and those who took me under their wings.  You made it a great experience, and I hope to see you again someday.

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Ginger, Tara, Sonya and myself (far left), Saturday night dinner at The Alley.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Loving Life In No Uncertain Terms! August 8, 2013

My favorite piece of art by one of my talented new theater friends!

Hello all.  Have you ever been at a point in life where everything just seems to be right?  I am there.  I am just so in love with my life right now!  It’s actually pretty scary.  If you’re a regular reader, you all know I auditioned for community theater, was cast in the chorus of Les Miserables, and proceeded to have the most amazing, life-changing summer I have ever had.  I met some incredible, talented, fun, beautiful people, fell in love a time or two, learned about myself, and discovered a new passion.  But honestly, that’s just the beginning!

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I also recently saw a billboard that may turn out to be life-changing as well.  It was a call for volunteers to attend a workshop to learn to be literacy tutors and ESL teachers.  I was immediately intrigued, but I didn’t get the number down the first time I saw the ad; I had to wait a few days until the next time I passed the billboard at the right time, but finally I got the number and called.  I have always been intrigued by the possibility of teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) overseas.  I used to work in a shipping/postal store, and we served a lot of customers who were ESL teachers overseas, coming in to ship things to their foreign addresses when they were getting ready to go back over.  I always tried to get as much information from them as I could, and frequently in fact, talked their ears off!  (It was the same with anybody who had anything to do with Alaska!  And Lord help them if they knew about both!)

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So this workshop is coming up on August 10th, and it is just the first step in what could become a new direction in my life.  But in addition to that, there is the oft-mentioned The Blathering, a blogging meet-up I am attending in Charleston the first week in October.  I will be rooming with some incredible writers and meeting even more, and I couldn’t be more excited about that.  I’ve never been to Charleston before, but have always wanted to, and my roommates and I are already planning to take plantation tours, ghost tours, and all kinds of super fun stuff.  Who wouldn’t be excited about that?!

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And if all goes well, the trip to Charleston will occur in the middle of rehearsals for the next community theater play, a new production called The Secrets of the Buttermilk Hotel.  I plan to audition in late September, and several of the Les Mis cast are already getting excited about potentially being in Buttermilk together.  I have to say, the newfound camaraderie with the Les Mis cast is absolutely one of the most fun things about life right now.  We are always goofing around on Facebook, posting pictures of our shenanigans, making plans to do more projects together, and plotting our reunions!  I just literally could never have imagined how much the decision to be brave and audition for a community theater summer musical could change my existence.  And the amazing thing is, I’m not the only one!  There were many others in the cast for whom this summer was a transformative, life-changing experience.  It has also opened doors with regard to my writing.  One of the cast (who, incidentally, co-wrote and will be directing Buttermilk) asked me to adapt some of my entries from the blog here into an article about being a theater newbie who overcame fear and insecurity to try something new and benefitted hugely from it.

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Thankfully, all the good things are not just about me.  We have found a new school that has already made a huge difference in the life of my son, who up to this point has hated school with a passion and struggled mightily, even though he is bright and inquisitive.  He attended their summer program and made a great deal of encouraging progress.  He starts in a couple of weeks and is actually looking forward to it, which is a miracle!

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The sad part (you had to know there would be one) is that when life is this good, I often have to fight a tendency to be afraid, to wonder what hideous bad thing is going to happen that will ruin all of this for me, or at least put a serious damper on it.  I don’t like that about myself, but that is just how I seem to operate.  But it gives me a good opportunity to work on strengthening my faith, to remind myself that I can get through all things with God’s help.  In life, like in theater, Attitude is Everything!  Every night of the show, we had a motto from our director; it was Latin, and loosely translated, meant “We Dare to Be Great!”  All we have to do is keep that in the forefront of our minds and keep plowing forward, enjoying the moment and having faith that there is nothing that can’t be overcome.

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Until next time,

D.

 

That the Powerful Play Goes On… July 3, 2013

English: Les Miserables at Queen's Theatre, as...

English: Les Miserables at Queen’s Theatre, as seen in the day. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!  My long lost friends!  I do apologize for the dearth of updates lately- being in The Play has taken up all my free time, but Oh! I am having so much fun.  Rehearsals, set construction, hanging out with the cast after hours.  New people!  New challenges!  Bravery, adventure, music, romance.  Well, not that last one yet.  But I have been eyeballing someone specific with an idea toward potentially asking him out if he doesn’t ask me before the end of the show.  I have no idea if he knows or not, but sadly, I don’t think I have a ‘subtle’ setting.  I always fear that the entire world knows the contents of my heart, merely from the look in my eyes, but I could be exaggerating.  I have no doubt whatsoever that this person has seen the ‘schoolgirl crush’ look a hundred times, at least.

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But anyway.  The progress on the play has been bumpy, chaotic, frenetic, and always a little off-kilter from what I expected, but I feel that it will all come together by the time we close.  I mean, open.  🙂  Of course I mean open.

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And then of course after the close of the play, it’s only two months until The Blathering!  Still very excited about that, and occasionally perusing Charleston ghost tours and carriage tours, and all those other fascinating things that I hope to accomplish during a long weekend in a strange city I’ve never set foot in before, to say nothing of traveling there alone, with not a soul I know along for the ride.

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I started thinking about it, and if you remember, in the last few years I have set theme goals for my personal development.  2010 was Transformation, 2011 was Action.  I basically floundered during 2012- the girls’ graduation and the cruise were the high points, but my weight loss efforts and potential relationships I was exploring were big disappointments.  But I think I have finally decided on a theme for 2013.  Even though the year is half over, I am naming this the year of Exploration.  Between the play, the trip to Charleston, and changes to my thoughts, ideas, and beliefs on some things, this has been a year for me to just try my wings, so to speak.  I am taking risks and accepting challenges, and finding new ways to create who I am.  Doesn’t that actually sound like a great thing?

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It will be interesting to see where the road goes from here!  One thing I know, dress rehearsal for the play is two weeks from tonight.  Whatever happens, I will forever be thankful I was brave enough to give this a shot!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Sweating, Hatching, and Breathing! May 16, 2013

English: Drops of sweat

English: Drops of sweat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!  Technically this is the second post of the day, but really the first, since the first-first was a  re-blog.  I want you all to know that this post is coming to you from inside a universe of sweat, both literal and mental.  For one thing, I just finished exercising.  At work. Never let anyone tell you that working in a church building is a bad deal, because hey- at what other job can you exercise and write a blog all in the same day and still get paid.  Ok, there are probably a lot of others I’ve never even thought of, but just let me have my moment.

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Anyway, the phone hasn’t been ringing much today, and I’m caught up on all my other tasks, and in the face of that boredom my weakness just crumbled.  I found myself scrounging in the fridge in the fellowship hall and discovering leftover triple chocolate fudge cake from their last gathering.  Now, I knew if I ate it, I’d be down to about ONE Weight Watchers point left for the day, but, sadly, I didn’t choose to stop myself.  So in order to combat my weakness, I decided to try to hike up some points on my ActiveLink monitor by going for a jog in the upstairs hall.  And that is the source of the sweat.  A) Heat rises, and it’s hot up in that old hall.  B) I just did something I’ve never done before in my entire life.  Now for some people, what I’m about to tell you is probably your warm-up for the actual exercise, but for me it was a pretty big deal:  After climbing the stairs to the second floor, I jogged up and down that hall…for 20 minutes straight!  Initially, I set my timer for 12 minutes.  At the end of the timer, I thought I might collapse, but instead, my mind said, ‘Hey, why not try for 20?’ So without stopping, I set my timer for another 8 minutes and kept going, and I finished it!  I was all proud of myself for the 10 straight minutes I did a couple of days ago, but this is a whole new dimension for me.  (At least I hope it will be a whole new dimension, as I want to lose 40 lbs. in the next four and a half months before The Blathering in Charleston.)

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The mental sweat is coming from the audition for my local Little Theatre that is looming on Saturday like a date with death.  A few days ago, I had talked myself out of it.  I told myself I didn’t really want to do it anyway, and that if I am selected, it will mean a huge time commitment once rehearsals start- 7-10 pm every weekday for about a month, and who has time for that, right?  But here’s the deal.  This is just another one of those big steps for me, those ‘hatching’ moments where I take a chance on doing something just because I’ve always thought it would be fun.  This is just. like. Charleston.  Despite my misgivings and fears, I have to give it a try, or I will hate myself.  Seriously.  If I let this Saturday and Sunday go by without forcing myself to go to that audition, I will feel like a giant failure.  I really don’t know what the big deal is.  I mean, I’m not even trying for a part- just the chorus, for crying out loud.  Maybe part of me is secretly hoping they’ll think I’m good enough and just give me a tiny small part, but I don’t even care about that.  Really.  I just want to say I tried it, I took a chance, and I went for it.

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Ok, calming down now.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat.  Oh, that reminds me!  I was about finished with the 12 minute section of my jog when I noticed the Bible verse on the bulletin board at the end of the hall.  I thought it was perfect for the moment, and that if/when I do another race of some sort, I will have this put on a t-shirt:  Psalm 150:1, which reads in part: “Let everything that has breath praise God!” So for the rest of my jog, I prayed thankful prayers that I had breath (albeit huffing and puffing breath), that I was physically able to even attempt to move, that I would have strength to finish the goal I had set for myself, both for today and for the next few months.  And I finished today’s, so woot-woot for me. 🙂  I know you’ll be holding your breath to hear how the audition goes.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Some Done Deals, and the Peace They Bring! May 3, 2013

Thinking

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Hello all!  You know what just irks me?  Feeling the need and desire to write, but not knowing what to say.  That happens to me very frequently.  I’ll be just… in that mood.  If you consider yourself a writer at all, even an amateur, you know the one.  For me it’s that I just feel like writing, like I just need to write, RIGHT NOW.  Forget the fact that I may or may not have anything particularly significant to talk about, as long as I’m getting the chatter that’s in my head relocated to the paper or the screen.  It probably doesn’t help that I don’t craft posts ahead of time and save them in organized draft folders for posting at a later, more appropriate time, as some of the bloggers I’ve read apparently do.  I post when I have something on my mind AND I have time to devote to it.  This is probably the reason I often have ideas for posts that never get written.  Things pop into my head, and I’ll think, “Man, that would be a good thing to blog about.  I should write that down.” But then I don’t, and by the time I have a good stretch of time to sit down and write, I’m all “What was that I wanted to write about, again?”  I should definitely work on that.

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Right now I’m all hyped up because after weeks of indecision and dithering, I am tickled to announce that I have booked my flights for my trip to Charleston!  Yay, me!  I am so excited about this.  I know I have gone back and forth, worried incessantly, and probably driven everyone I know stark raving mad, but now that it’s a done deal, I am so happy.  Part of me is still a little concerned about the whole ‘fitting in’ thing.  I feel like I’m older and at a different stage of life than a lot of these amazing bloggers I will be meeting.  Many of them are writing about their babies and nap schedules and nursing problems and sleeping through the night, and terrible twos and kindergarten schedules, and I’m thinking, ‘Boy, could I have been the queen of this world if they’d had this stuff when the girls were little!’  But alas, they didn’t.  So now I have twin girls who are almost 20 years old, and a boy who will be 12 on Monday, and sometimes I’m wondering what I have to offer.  I don’t really have too many Raising Twins cautionary tales or horror stories, unless it’s about what to do when one of your twins literally hates the other one, or when your son is almost universally looked upon as being either the next Jim Carrey/Robin Williams or a future school shooter, and which one he becomes is entirely dependent upon you and your parenting.  That’s a scary-as-heck place to be, I can promise you.

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Anyway, I do realize that there are bloggers of all ages, in all life stages, with all kinds of stories, who will be at this event, and I am so very much looking forward to the adventure and the journey of being a part of it.  I am a little torn between tempering my expectations so that if I don’t find at least one or two people who become fairly good friends I will not be terribly disappointed, and having faith that this is going to be the best, most amazing thing I have done thus far in life and it will result in some wonderful friendships.  I think I’m going to do with the latter, as that seems to have been the experience of many of those who have attended in previous years.  If nothing else, I am excited that it will be the first time I have just branched out on my own and done something for myself, by myself.  (Except for having someone drive me to and from the airport, which my mom has always been willing to do for me, thank goodness.)

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So, more about my son.  He started out in public school in our local district, but he has never really done well.  He has struggled both academically and socially.  We’ve had him tested at every turn, and he has some non-specified processing difficulties, as well as a diagnosis of ADHD.  He also seems to have some Asperger-y traits, but has never been diagnosed with that.  He was in 4th grade last year in public school, and we have been “homeschooling” this year.  I put that in quotes because while we started out with a very structured, organized system at the beginning of the school year through online public school, we pulled out of that after about six weeks, and have been taking a different approach since then.  We have just explored different things that he really loves, and I have tried to teach him some real-world skills that he will need in the future, but there has been very little structure or consistency.   I have really beaten myself up about this.  But he has grown so much, matured in a lot of ways, and I think more than anything, he has really benefitted from just being out from under pressure.  He has spent a lot of time with me, coming to work with me most days since I am blessed with a flexible job as a church secretary, and I think it has been what he needed.  Our lives for the several years leading up to this year have been marked by change, tragedy, and chaos, and I don’t think he handled it very well.

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Thankfully, I think that is largely behind us!  This week, I found an educational option that I think offers the best of both worlds- the self-pace and lower pressure of homeschooling with a little more of the structure and consistency found in the public school environment than I have been able to offer him while trying to work full time simultaneously.  It’s a small private Christian school here that is basically a group homeschool, but the beauty is that it’s NOT I who is responsible for the teaching and structure.  It’s a little pricey for what it is- they want $230 per month, and if I didn’t think it would be incredibly presumptuous, I’d ask friends and family for “sponsors.”  But I think it is do-able for me, whether I get help or not, so I am very happy and excited for both of us.  Honestly I will miss him coming to work with me, but this will be so much better for him- he will get the education he needs in an environment that fits him.

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I could go on and on about this, but this post is already longer than usual.  I’ll just say that for now- I am happy, the stars are aligned, and everything’s coming up roses, and I won’t even make a remark about ducking under my desk to avoid the Other Shoe Dropping.  Oops.  Scratch that.

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Until next time,

D.

 

ValJean, Javert, O’Hara, and Me April 24, 2013

Hello all!  I have needed, I mean literally needed to write a post here for so long, and I just haven’t been able to find a moment.  I don’t have a way to blog at home in the evenings.  Our family laptop is painfully slow, and also always being hogged by one of the kids.  I know it makes me sound like a Slacker Extraordinaire, but I usually write my blog posts at work.  When you’re a church secretary who basically gets paid to sit by a phone that rarely rings, you can do that.  The bad part is that all the things I have needed and wanted to write about have sort of fallen by the wayside.  I wanted to do the A to Z blogging challenge, NaPoWriMo, etc.  I wanted to talk about the bombings and explosions, and loving oneself and loving humanity and like, God and religion and tragedy and survival and all those things that swirl in our collective head when our lives are disrupted by ugliness and accidents.  But when I finally have a moment and sit down to try to write about it all, I just can’t think what I wanted to say about it.  Or I feel everything’s been said and I don’t have anything worth adding, or maybe I deal with certain kinds of things by just blocking them out of my head.

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Or maybe I’m just a remarkably selfish individual, because the things that are filling the space in my head right now are as follows:

First of all is Les Miserables.  (Sorry I can’t do the little punctuation marks in the right places.)  So right now I am obsessed with Les Mis.  I rented the movie the other night and have watched it about 3 times.  I downloaded the 40-song soundtrack on iTunes and have listened to it incessantly ever since, and to top all that off, my local Little Theatre group is putting on LM this summer.  I would love to audition for a part, but I realize I don’t have enough experience for that.  No experience at all, actually.  Therefore, I am thinking of auditioning for the chorus.  (Ok, I am going to audition for the chorus if I can find a really good song to use for my audition. I’ve blown about ten bucks on iTunes instrumental tracks of different songs I could audition with.) I can think of nothing else!  I have been reading the novel, looking at the SparkNotes info on the novel, reading about the June Rebellion and the whole barricade thing, just obsessing in general.  I don’t know why.  I have realized that there is so much more story than the movie could have included, and even reading the small part of the novel that I have read thus far, it’s just so much more tragic!  I just feel I have to keep reading and thinking about this book until I find out why it is just sort of taking root in me so completely.

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The other thing is The Blathering.  The trip to Charleston in October that I think about every single day.  I check flight prices every day.  I read Twitter every day looking for other writers mentioning it.  I dither and vacillate back and forth on whether I should really go, whether it’s a selfish and ridiculous expense, whether I’ll have fun and make friends.  I think about how much I’d love to lose more weight before the trip, but how every stinking day is a struggle not to put the wrong things in my my mouth and thoroughly defeat that goal, and how I have absolutely GOT to learn to love myself and develop a style and rock my look no matter what.  I think about how maybe I should be planning the tours I want to take and the plantations I want to see, but what if I don’t find anybody who wants to do those things with me?   Or what if the planned group events  take up all the time that I’m there and I don’t actually get to see anything but the resort and the airport shuttle?  I think about how I really want to ask all these questions and find fellow early-planners on Twitter and Facebook but feel like it’s too early to be obsessing over these things, and most people probably won’t even know their plans for a few more months yet.  (Maybe next year I should help organize!  That would put my pre-planning obsessive skills to good use.)

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So anyway.  I have plenty of other things that I continue to worry about, that as I told a friend the other night, are the usual things that decorate the hamster wheel that is my life.   Many things that I need to make decisions about and then follow through and be at peace with, many things that I need to just determine and do, so to speak.  But now is not the time.  Luckily for my dear, devoted readers, as Scarlett O’Hara said, tomorrow is (another post and) another day!

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Cork Must Blow Sometime March 18, 2013

Charleston and Old Customs House

Charleston and Old Customs House (Photo credit: Smudge 9000)

Hello all.  I haven’t written a serious/thoughtful/really good post here in too long to think about, but I don’t have one today either.  I just feel like writing.  Today is one of those days.  You know, the kind of day where if I really let myself, I could absolutely wallow in bad mood, feeling completely unsuccessful at every aspect of my life.  If you’ll bear with me, the top ten things on my mind today are as follows:

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1.  I am not relationshippy.  I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to dinner parties or play bridge or any of that stuff.  This is an aspect of my life that I’m pretty unhappy with at the moment, but I don’t know where to look to change it.  I can’t think of anybody in particular (who’s near me) that I really want to hang out with, who has the time or energy or desire.  And the whole dating thing?  My future in the world of romantic relationships?! Forget it.  In the dictionary under hopeless it says see that.  I know, that’s not true, I might find someone eventually.  But given the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage religious issue, and how I can’t seem to lay that to rest, I will probably be much happier if I just give up on the whole idea.

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2.  Someone here at work left a huge jar of peanut butter in there on the counter, and I have been fighting its siren song all day.  When I am bored/cranky/hormonal/ or otherwise in the negative, mood-wise, all I want to do is eat.  And boy, can I eat.  I basically polished off an entire package of Oreo cookies all by myself yesterday.  That ought to have a fabulous effect on my Weight Watchers, lemme tell ya.

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3.  And on that subject, I am so ready to quit.  I can be good(ish) during the week, but weekends kill me no matter what I do, and I am just really tired of the fight.  I am tired of the waste of $$.  There are probably twenty-dozen different websites and iPhone apps with which I could do what I do with WW, except that they’re free.  Wouldn’t you know, I arrive at this mental place only two weeks after I shelled out forty bucks plus five dollars a month for WW ActiveLink, which I think SUCKS, btw.  You don’t start earning activity points until you’ve hit your baseline for the day, and when you actually do a concentrated, serious workout, like, oh, say C25k, you only earn one or two points for it!  When before, alternating walking and jogging for half an hour and calculating it yourself would have netted you like, 5 points at least.

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4.  Which by the way leads me to this:  I HATE EXERCISE!  No, I really hate it.  I have been trying to do the #$@% C25k and I was supposed to start Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, but instead I decided there was no way on this planet that I would be able to pull off jogging for three solid minutes, and I stuck with Week 2 for a little longer.  And even at that, it was torturous.  I walked for two of the six run cycles.  My freakin’ knees hurt.  I am angry.  I can’t lose weight and get healthier without exercising, and I can’t exercise when my major weight-bearing joints hurt so bad I wanna cry.   AND… I don’t have anyone to work out with, and I’m embarrassed to drag my jiggly, wiggly, huffing and puffing, slow-crawl jogging body through my neighborhood streets.  The high school football field track would have been a good place to work out, but it was closed for some sort of repairs.  So yesterday after church I did my workout, knees and neighborhood and all, but all I felt when I got done was anger, and that’s when I ate the Oreos.  Completely counterproductive, yes?  (I know, I should just give up on C25k and look into a membership at the YMCA or some other place that has a pool and do something that is non-weight-bearing, but ugh.  Wetness and changing clothes and showers and lockers and excuses, excuses.)

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5.  I colored my hair yesterday and I look like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald, with a little bit of Weird Al thrown in for good measure.  I need a good haircut, that’s all there is to that.

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6.  I keep wanting to plan all my activities and adventures and tours for my trip to Charleston in October, but it’s still a little too far away.  I don’t know what the schedule is for the conference, what other people are going to be doing that I might could join in and be included in, etc.  I have been looking at walking tours, plantation tours, etc., and I want to do them all, but I know there’s only so much time I will have, and I don’t know which ones will be best.  I am hoping that as it draws closer, I will hear more from the other participants about what exactly their plans are and how much time to I need to plan to spend on my own versus hanging out with them.

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7.  Which leads me to The Twitter Issue.  Although there is a Facebook group that hasn’t been active really, since the end of the last event, the organizers of the Charleston trip communicate mainly through Twitter.  The problem is that so far I have not, up until today, had a Twitter account, because I. Don’t. Get. It.  Seriously.  I don’t understand Twitter, I don’t wanna understand Twitter, I think Twitter is a little bit stupid.  Or maybe Twitter just makes me feel stupid.  But I signed up today, hoping to be able to keep up-to-date with the other attendees of The Blathering and maybe get to know some of them enough to plan to share some tours or activities.  I didn’t really want to have any presence on Twitter other than as needed to participate in The Blathering, so I think what I might do is just delete my account there (are these things ever really gone?) and become the person who brings the Fb group back to life.

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Ok, I guess there will be no 8-10.  Fortunately, I think my Rant-juice just ran out.  I know, you’re thinking “Thank God!” I just needed to vent, you know?  Frustration, aggravation, pain, boredom, loneliness, anticipation, all those things just sort of got thrown into the blender and needed to decorate the kitchen walls, right?

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So as I am prone to do, I will soldier on, keep plowing, etc.  I just took a deep breath, and I will be finishing my day here at work, heading home to see what the kids have been up to all day, (they assure me they have been doing the things I asked them to do, housework help-wise) and trying to find something for supper that won’t exacerbate the damage I did to my Weight Watchers over the weekend.  Meeting is tomorrow, you see.  Not particularly looking forward to it.  Last week I had done the C25k workout three days of the week, as instructed; I thought I had done ok on my eating, and yet I gained like 4lbs. I decided my body hates me and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.  Thanks again for listening, Innernetz.  I don’t know what I’d do without ya. 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

 
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Shawn L. Bird

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