The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Regarding A Weight Loss Journey- Almost Epiphanies March 20, 2012

Hello all!  So today I realized something about the whole ‘struggling with Weight Watchers‘ thing.  Maybe I’m a little slow on the uptake and I should have realized this a while back.  But here it is.  I’ve been doing this for more than two years.  I have been going to meetings.  Every Tuesday.  For two years.  I haven’t skipped a weigh-in unless I was out of town.  In two years.  The first year, I had wild success.  Crazy wild.  Lost like 80 lbs.  Second year, mild success- lost about half that.  But for the last few months, I have basically just been maintaining my weight, gaining and losing within the same 5 lb. range.  And for much of the time I’ve been on this journey, but especially in the last several months, I notice that every time I weigh in, my day (and perhaps even the rest of my week) is shaped by what happens at the scale.  If I have a loss, everything is good and I am in control and life is fabulous.  If I have a gain, everything is horrible, I am out of control, can’t handle any part of my life, and my entire existence is just plain awful.  HELLO?!  What is wrong with this picture?

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Because I have been doing this for so long, (and because the success I have had at WW has been the main thing I have felt successful at in the last two years) I seem to have let my entire self-worth as a human being, my entire perception of what makes me good or bad, become wrapped up in what number pops up on the scale on Tuesday mornings!  Sure, I have enjoyed seeing the clothing sizes drop, enjoyed being given hand-me-downs from people I always think of as much smaller than me and being able to fit into them, enjoyed shopping for clothes, finding things off the rack, and looking darn good in them, enjoyed being able to accomplish certain physical feats like my 2 (count them – two!) 5k mud runs.  But for some reason I cannot fathom, I keep going back to judging myself by  weight loss or gain alone and using those numbers as medieval weapons like spikes and cudgels to beat myself to a pulp with!  Why?!

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I don’t really have an answer to that last question, but maybe

Human

Human (Photo credit: Gramicidin)

the discovery of that fact is a step toward ending the pattern.  I need to keep in mind all the different aspects of the things I have accomplished and resist the urge to reduce them to cold numbers that don’t really show the whole picture.  Just this moment, I realized also that I use my food choices as weapons to beat myself down with, too.  As in when I eat healthy foods, (or eat any food in an appropriate amount!) I’m acceptable as a human being, but when I eat unhealthy foods or over-partake of any food, I am a spineless slacker who has no control or self-discipline.  Is that true of me?  Of course not.  I have clearly demonstrated some amount of control during the last two years to have lost over one hundred and twenty pounds.  I have clearly demonstrated some measure of strength to get up at 5:00 a.m. for months on end and go to exercise classes, and to compete in two strenuous athletic competitions like the Dirty 30 and the Fitness Freak Race .  So what is it about food that presents such a big stinkin’ challenge?

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Unfortunately, I have no answer for that one either.  All I know is, I have to figure out how on God’s green earth, to LOVE myself, to appreciate and value and embrace myself, in all my flawed glory, no matter what I weigh.  And this too is true:  “We ain’t what we should be.  We ain’t what we gonna be.  But at least, we ain’t what we WAS!”

 

Until next time,

D.

 

Simply Recommitting October 10, 2011

Hello all.  You know, sometimes, when I’m going through my day thinking, “I REALLY need to write a blog entry, I really need to update, etc.” I’ll sit down and try to write an entry and nothing really comes.  Often, I will just keep writing, rambling, ranting, and I’ll post the result, whether it’s good or bad, like that’s a cure for writer’s block, but it doesn’t mean that what I wrote has any quality to it.  That post may not necessarily be my true voice.  There’s something wrong with that.  There’s something wrong with a lot of things, and I am in the mood to change that.

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I went to a revival-type church service tonight that was sponsored by my sister’s church.  I had never heard of the speaker, a man named Ken Freeman.  My sister attends a Baptist church, but I got the feeling this man was inter-denominational in his preaching career, meaning he didn’t just go to one type of church.  His message was about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘great,’ and how we have to let go of certain things in order to fully accept God’s grace and blessings.  I realized there were a lot of things I have been holding on to, and I need to let go and re-commit.  I need to re-commit, not just in my spiritual life, but in everything- my job, my parenting, my health and fitness, and even my writing here. 

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So that’s what I’m doing.  Starting tonight, I am re-committing my life.  I am going to re-dedicate myself to my weight loss, my writing, my parenting, and most of all to a life that is dominated by Love.  Love for God, and love for my fellow human.  I need to work on showing Jesus to others through my life.  I’ve been in an ongoing cold war with a co-worker for weeks now, and I’ve made weak, pitiful attempts to pretend I was reaching out to her, to delude myself into thinking I was the bigger person by praying for her, but in reality I wasn’t willing to let go and truly acknowledge that I haven’t always been the Christian I am supposed to be.  I gave it lip-service, but I wasn’t willing to completely let down the barriers.  I’m still not.  I know I can’t trust her to be real and honest.  She is an excellent actor and faker- I’ve seen it.  My point is that I can’t worry about that.  I have to just say ‘You know what?  I’m recommitting to living for Jesus, and because I am, I choose to love you.  You can think what you want about me, you can like me or hate me, but I choose to love you in Jesus’ name, whether I can trust you or not.’  And really mean it, because I didn’t before.  I wanted to mean it, but the selfish, immature part of me said ‘Why do you have to mean it?  It doesn’t make any difference.  She’s not accepting your overtures, your gestures, your attempts.  What difference does it make if you really mean it?’  But I know now that I have to forgive all that, I have to forgive what she’s done to me, the hurt she has caused me, and I have to love her in Christ, and I cannot allow myself to add anything else to that sentence.  My judgement of her is irrelevant. 

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In addition to this, I have to be brave enough to re-commit to my health and fitness efforts.  I have done well.  I can say that.  I have lost almost one hundred and twenty pounds in almost 2 years.  But I have not been fully committed.  I have chosen to take easier roads- skip workouts, eat junk food.  I signed up for another 5k mud run as a volunteer, knowing I would be allowed to participate in the race for free as a volunteer, but thinking I wasn’t obligated to do the race if I chose not to.  That wasn’t committment, that was fear.  I completed the first one, the Dirty 30, back in July.  I did it on adrenaline, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what kinds of obstacles I’d face, but determined to tackle them no matter what.  In this next race, I know what kinds of things I might see, and I feared them.  I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to put that much effort out again, but now- I know I need to re-commit.  I need to grasp the fact that I have the strength to finish that race, complete the obstacles (or go around them if I have to) and finish.  I can’t be afraid that I might twist an ankle or a knee- I just have to take the steps. 

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I realize this entry has had a serious tone.  I usually like to try to be funny here, and I hope I succeed at that sometimes.  But tonight was a night for seriousness.  I had a talk with my kids on the way home from the revival tonight, because I have been really concerned for them in their spiritual lives, because they have not yet obeyed the gospel and been baptized.  Despite what some people may say or believe, I truly believe what I have been taught, that baptism is the point at which we are saved, and I want my children to be baptized and commit to living their lives for God.  I believe it is on their heart to do it, but they just haven’t taken the step.  I am praying that they make that decision soon, but at least I took the opportunity to share with them what I want for them- the peace that comes with knowing they are saved. 

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I’m not saying I have it all figured out, or that there aren’t sometimes brief moments when I question everything I’ve ever heard and wonder if maybe, possibly, it could all be crap.  But when it comes down to it, I’d rather just believe what I believe than buy into “something from nothing, for no reason, with no purpose, and nothing after, and nothing matters.”  It’s just not enough.

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And in the middle of all this recommitting, loving, being brave, and trying to bring my kids to heaven with me, I am going to embrace all I can possibly accomplish in this life that is fun and joyful and meaningful.  To that end, I can announce that my daughters’ senior trip in May is a done deal!  I booked the airfare today, so Lord willing, we’re definitely going!  We’re going to be Royal Carribean cruising fools!  Wooo hooooo!  Allure of the Seas, here we come!

Until next time,

D.

 

Ok, NOW I’ve Worked Out! April 11, 2011

iTunes includes visualizers. Shown here is a v...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  Well, today there was another episode of alien body snatching, and I found myself at TFP- The Fitness Professional at 5:40 IN the morning, to participate in something called Turbo!  I think its full name is actually “TurboKick, or The Workout That Kicks Your A$$ and Initially Makes You into a Pathetic, Quivering Blob of Wuss-Ness Until You Get the Hang of It and Become a Fierce Machine” but we’ll shorten it for time’s sake! 

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So there I was, ready to Turbo it up, and the class started, and I kept up for a little while, but eventually I felt like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, you know, where she’s in the class with all the other pageant contestants, just making up moves as she goes along?  Yeah.  Definitely me.  So I make it through the class, but I don’t feel like I did a good enough job.. I don’t feel like I really hit it hard.  So I come home, get the kids ready for school, take them to school, return home, and decide I’m gonna hop on the treadmill for a while.  So I start out slowly, warming up with no real idea or intention of how long I’m gonna go.  I always think I’ll just walk for 15 or 20 minutes, maybe 30.  But then I put my laptop close by me, brought up iTunes, cranked up my exercise playlist and walked.  And walked.  And walked!  I kept thinking, Ok, I’ll stop after 2 songs.  Ok, I’ll stop at the next 5 minute mark.  Ok, I’ll stop when I hear a song by this particular artist.  Well… I ended up warming up slow for 5 minutes, then cranking it up on high speed and walking for FIFTY-FIVE minutes!!  That’s 55, people!  Plus another 5 minute slow cool-down.  I think my music helped.  Here are the songs I walked through:

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So there you have it.  I walked for an hour and 5 minutes total.  I sweated like a pig.  I got in 3.2 miles and over 7500 steps.  I earned 4 Weight Watchers points.  And I am Proud of My Self, yes I am.  It’s only a little after 10 and I still have to go to work and be on my feet and walk all day, and I need to make the kids walk when I get home, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I get in over 15,000 steps today.  Woooo!  Go me! 

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Until next time,

D.

P.S.  Thanks to my youngest sister, I am planning to sign up for something that sounds like awesome good dirty fun, and that is The Dirty 30 Race!  A 5k + 7 tons of mud + 15 obstacles = a heck of a good time!  Oh, it’s in July.  In Mulhall Oklahoma.  In mud.  A 5k.  Who doesn’t want to do that!?  Find one near you!

 

Ok, Did I Drink A Gallon of Espresso In My Sleep?! April 28, 2010

Hello all!  I’m so excited!  I’m just wound up about everything!  Let’s see, where to start?

Weight Watchers meeting was yesterday.  I lost another 2.8, putting me at -33.6 since January 19.  I’m really excited because next week all I have to do is lose about the same again, and I’ll get a 5 lb. star, my 10% goal keyring, and my Stay and Succeed charm.  Yay me!  It’s funny though- I was watching the leader in the meeting yesterday, and she was wearing this cute little minidress…. I can’t imagine ever having those skinny little legs, even when I do get to my goal!  The Golden Goddess tells me I may never have skinny little legs- I may be built differently.  I guess only time will tell.  I’m still not able to clearly visualize myself at my goal weight, but it’s getting a little easier to imagine.

And speaking of the Golden Goddess, I’m not sure, but I think she’s planning to try to kill me!  We met yesterday for my regular counseling appointment, which lately has been at Regional park, walking on the trail, and she mentioned that her plan is that eventually we will meet 30 minutes earlier and walk the trail all the way to the lake and back.  You know how far that is!?  5 miles!!!   I think she might be nuts.  But we’ve talked about me training with her to do a 5K, which I don’t think would be all that hard, but walking FIVE miles before I have to go to work?  I don’t know if I’d make it through the day!

Another thing I’m super excited about is my 20-year high school reunion.  We’re just starting to plan our reunion and I’m really looking forward to it.  I know, call me a nerd, but I really do love getting to see people I graduated with, talking to them, seeing how their lives turned out.  I think it’s important to keep connected with your roots and your history.  And really?  We’re all adults now.  It doesn’t matter who was friends with whom in HS, who stayed skinny, who got fat, who has gray hair, who has NO hair.  It’s about people you loved, people you grew with, matured with, experienced and journeyed with.  And getting the chance to know people you weren’t friends with in HS but might be able to appreciate now that you’re older and wiser.  It’s about sharing what we’ve learned on life’s path, and about having fun together!!!  And miraculously, as far as I know, of a class of 90-something people, we haven’t had anybody die.  (Forgive me if I’m overlooking someone I didn’t know about, but to the best of my knowledge, we’re all still alive and kicking!) 

Also, I’ve been connecting with old friends on Facebook, which totally makes me happy.  Facebook might be the best invention ever.  It has given me a way to get to know people I thought I’d never actually know for themselves, as people, rather than just people I used to admire from afar.  To connect with people I thought had been lost forever. 

Work has been ok, even though one of our co-workers is definitely lost for good.  She’s left her husband and gone into hiding.  I was afraid we’d be horribly busy and running ourselves ragged, but so far it’s not too bad. 

Anyway.  I’m happy, life is good, and I’m still all jittery excited.  Who slipped me the espresso in my sleep?!  I haven’t even been to Starbucks yet today!

Until next time,

D.

PS!!!!!!   Holy Crap!  I forgot to mention that if I decide to go, and can save up enough money, I’ll get to sing with my baby sister in a concert on the GREAT WALL of Flippin CHINA next year!  How totally cool is that?!

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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