The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

So Many Moods, So Little Time! March 16, 2015

Filed under: General Observations — DDKlingonGirl @ 9:22 am
Tags: , ,

Pos Neg balance

Hello all!  Today has been such an emotional roller coaster day that it’s actually comical.  You can tell this by observing my first two Facebook posts of the day.  Except, oh- you can’t observe them because I posted them to Only Me.  That’s ok, Therapy Journals readers will be in the Secret Inner Circle. The day started great, and went downhill in a hurry.  My first two Facebook posts of the day demonstrate the point.

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First post:  (accompanied by a smiling picture of me in a new pink, lacy shirt my little sister gave my mom, who felt it didn’t fit her properly and passed on to me) “And the Pink Princess got both her contacts in on the first try and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.”

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Second post:  “If I don’t throat-punch someone by 9am, it will be a miracle!”  (I later meant to add, “Of epic proportions” but I haven’t yet.)

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The sad part is there’s really no huge reason for me to have gone from the first mood to the second mood so quickly. There were half a dozen tiny reasons, though.  When Daughter J. and I dropped Daughter S. off at her work, we went in and I bought a couple of things for my breakfast and lunch. Daughter J. had packed her a lunch at home, but unfortunately failed to grab it on her way out the door.  She picked out a replacement lunch and I paid for it, but then when we were leaving the parking lot, she stated that she wanted to go to McDonald’s.  I tried to convince her we should just go back in the store and try to find something healthy-ish for her breakfast, but I caved in, as I am famous for doing, and we went to McDonald’s.

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Before that, though, I called the telebank number for her and we checked her balance, and then I tried to check mine, and it kept telling my I had my password wrong, which was another annoyance that began to tilt the scale of balance of my mood. Anyway, back to McDonald’s.  Today is the beginning of Spring Break around here, so McD’s drive-through was dead.  We pulled in and I ordered J’s favorite, the McGriddle combo, but she likes it with bacon instead of sausage.  Here’s what I said:  “I need a McGriddle combo with bacon rather than sausage and a Sprite.”

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Now, this menu item, in its normal, company-ordained, prescribed design, comes with, does it not, 1)sausage, 2)egg, and 3)cheese?  Yes, I believe it does.  I just Googled it to make sure.  But what J got was a McGriddle sandwich….with ONLY bacon!  This turn of events annoyed me greatly, but what annoyed me further was J’s refusal to admit that she deserved what she paid for, and what she wanted, and that if we’d had time, which we didn’t, it would not be out of the realm of reasonableness for her to return to the restaurant and request that they fix it.  She kept trying to tell me I shouldn’t make a big deal of it, and she just wasn’t picky, and that maybe they were all out of eggs and cheese or something.  (This is how far this child will go in excusing other people’s stupidity.  She has a long history of it.)

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So she ate her food and went in to her job, and I went to the survey link on the receipt and gave them a scathing review, my attempt to call them and tell them on the phone what complete morons they are having failed when nobody picked up the phone.  Lucky them.

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Then I went to the post office to check the mail for my work, (while mentally telling off someone in another office that I have had to deal with recently about a REALLY annoying situation that is not getting anywhere and is time-sensitive) and there was a slip in the box to pick something up at the counter.  Turns out someone had sent something to us by return mail and it was POSTAGE DUE!  I had only brought in my car keys and my work keys, not any money of any kind, so I didn’t even bother with the pick-up slip.  I went back to my car, still grumbling like Yosemite Sam, and drove to my office. Dropped my fizzy flavored water bottle in the elevator, which meant I couldn’t open it for a while, lest it blow up.  Then when I was trying to unlock my office, I locked it instead, because I hadn’t done so when I left the last time.  Walked into my office and apparently the maintenance powers that be have decided mid-March is a great time to switch from heater to AC because my office is so cold I am pretty sure I could hang hogs in here.  Also, despite my having gotten my new contacts in on the first try today, they are blurring up a lot, which drives me insane and makes me waste half my day waiting for them to clear up.

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ANYWAY.  I checked Facebook as I so often do, and there were videos shared of my same type of church (but not my congregation) doing their normal Sunday morning acapella singing.  Which improved my mood again, because it was so pretty. And then for some reason I found myself scrolling through my friends list and I thought, “You know?  I have beautiful friends.  Look at this list of awesome beautiful people, and they are MY friends!  How cool is that?!”

So now I am typing with frozen fingers  (I didn’t even bring a jacket today because it wasn’t that cold OUTSIDE!) and my mood is about on an even keel.  For now.  I just lit a candle on my desk to see if I could bring the temp up to frigid.  Also just remembered that, DUH, I have a space heater right behind me that I forgot I had to buy because they didn’t turn OFF the AC in this building until like October.  Ah, the joys of life.  Good, bad, or in between, there is always something that’s gonna tick us off, and always something that’s gonna make us smile.  The trick is to try not to notice so much of the former and try to noticre a whole lot more of the latter.

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Until next time,

D.

PS- Stay tuned for my Alaska blog, in which I hope and plan to chronicle in detail my journey and experience in Alaska over the summer.  And here is the pic that accompanied my first Fb post today about the contacts.  That really did make me happy. Later, guys!

pink princess contacts pic

 

We Journey On… November 10, 2014

Filed under: General Observations — DDKlingonGirl @ 10:33 am
Tags: , , ,

Pos Neg balance

Hello all.  There has been so much I have wanted to talk about lately, but when I sit down to write here, the thoughts just won’t untangle themselves and travel down through my fingers to the keys so I can get them out.  So many things have been on my mind, things that I know are on other people’s minds as well.  A woman I went to college with posted an excellent status on Facebook about social media and isolation.  I wanted to talk about that.  Campaigns and elections happened.  I wanted to talk about that.  Local news and world news and personal news happened.  I wanted to talk about that.  But today, just for now, the thing that is foremost in my mind is:  all of us have a daily battle we fight.  Ok, yeah, most of us fight a couple dozen battles every day.  The one I’m talking about is one that always seems to be in the foreground for me personally, and it is simply this:  positivity versus negativity.

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I’m sure the rest of you have noticed this battle going on around us.  Just check social media.  You have friends who post every single day about how awesome life is, how good everything is, how happy they are, how “blessed” they are.  You see them post things from Upworthy and ViralNova and whatever sites are the favorites of the most positive-seeming people.  You see them post memes (I didn’t know those had an official name, those things people post that have pictures and sayings on them.  Until I found that out, I always just called them posters.)  You see them post memes with a river or a forest, or clouds, or rainbows, with some expression or scripture on them about peace, love, and happiness.  They post their personal successes, their love stories, their befores and their afters, and they preach the Gospel of Never Give Up!

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And then there are the others.  The ones who post stuff from places that are meant to absolutely fill you with fear, dread, disgust, etc.  Gloom and Doom, Death and Destruction, POLITICAL criticism, Religious Attack, Medical Attack. General Worldwide Bad Stuff.  And they love Grumpy Cat, and that ventriloquist dummy Walter, and any other person, character, organization, or forum that gives new meaning to the term NAYsayer.  And they post about everything bad that happens.  Their car breaks down, their pants split, their dog ran away, their supper burned and their kid is driving them wacko.

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And what I’m seeing is that for me personally there is a battle.  A battle to make an occasional appearance in the first category so that I don’t take up permanent residence in the second.  I’m not sure it’s possible to be all Sunshine and Light all the time, and I’m not sure it’s healthy.  I AM sure it’s an awful lot easier for some people to be negative most of the time.  I fight so hard against that.  I know I have a tendency to lean that way.  I know about myself that I am moody at best, mercurial and manic and sometimes positive and sometimes not.  I try.  I try to balance it, is what I’m saying.  I try to acknowledge the reality that sometimes it feels like MY particular life couldn’t possibly suck any worse, while also knowing, KNOWING in my deepest soul that there is beauty in the world.  There is goodness.  There is light. There is HOPE!  Overall, I have it pretty good. I know this, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling the other way in other moments.

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I guess the main point here is that I’m asking for patience.  We need to have patience.  We need to be patient with the perpetual cheerleaders when we’d really like to punch their lights out, primarily because we feel that they just don’t understand our reality.  Intellectually maybe, they get it, but in their emotional place, they have never put their feet on OUR path.  But pay attention- here is where it gets real:  they have had their feet on their own path, and we don’t know where it has been and our feet have never been on their path either!  The same goes for the Gloom And Doom-ers. We have to be patient when we feel like finally, finally, we are in a good place, having a good day, and darn it if they are not dragging us down like a human crocodile.  Here’s the thing: we don’t wear their ‘perspectacles’ to steal a phrase from Momastery.  (Highly recommended site, BTW.)  We don’t share the events and feelings that they have walked through to get to their current scenic overlook of the world. We know our own path, and odds are it is very similar to theirs, but like snowflakes, no two people’s journeys have been the same.  AND…our own journey is not going to be the same every single day.  Some days we are going to feel like Pollyanna and some days we’re going to feel like Aunt Polly and Old Mrs. Snow.  But we journey on.  Yes.  We journey on.

Until next time,

D.

 

The Cork Must Blow Sometime March 18, 2013

Charleston and Old Customs House

Charleston and Old Customs House (Photo credit: Smudge 9000)

Hello all.  I haven’t written a serious/thoughtful/really good post here in too long to think about, but I don’t have one today either.  I just feel like writing.  Today is one of those days.  You know, the kind of day where if I really let myself, I could absolutely wallow in bad mood, feeling completely unsuccessful at every aspect of my life.  If you’ll bear with me, the top ten things on my mind today are as follows:

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1.  I am not relationshippy.  I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to dinner parties or play bridge or any of that stuff.  This is an aspect of my life that I’m pretty unhappy with at the moment, but I don’t know where to look to change it.  I can’t think of anybody in particular (who’s near me) that I really want to hang out with, who has the time or energy or desire.  And the whole dating thing?  My future in the world of romantic relationships?! Forget it.  In the dictionary under hopeless it says see that.  I know, that’s not true, I might find someone eventually.  But given the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage religious issue, and how I can’t seem to lay that to rest, I will probably be much happier if I just give up on the whole idea.

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2.  Someone here at work left a huge jar of peanut butter in there on the counter, and I have been fighting its siren song all day.  When I am bored/cranky/hormonal/ or otherwise in the negative, mood-wise, all I want to do is eat.  And boy, can I eat.  I basically polished off an entire package of Oreo cookies all by myself yesterday.  That ought to have a fabulous effect on my Weight Watchers, lemme tell ya.

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3.  And on that subject, I am so ready to quit.  I can be good(ish) during the week, but weekends kill me no matter what I do, and I am just really tired of the fight.  I am tired of the waste of $$.  There are probably twenty-dozen different websites and iPhone apps with which I could do what I do with WW, except that they’re free.  Wouldn’t you know, I arrive at this mental place only two weeks after I shelled out forty bucks plus five dollars a month for WW ActiveLink, which I think SUCKS, btw.  You don’t start earning activity points until you’ve hit your baseline for the day, and when you actually do a concentrated, serious workout, like, oh, say C25k, you only earn one or two points for it!  When before, alternating walking and jogging for half an hour and calculating it yourself would have netted you like, 5 points at least.

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4.  Which by the way leads me to this:  I HATE EXERCISE!  No, I really hate it.  I have been trying to do the #$@% C25k and I was supposed to start Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, but instead I decided there was no way on this planet that I would be able to pull off jogging for three solid minutes, and I stuck with Week 2 for a little longer.  And even at that, it was torturous.  I walked for two of the six run cycles.  My freakin’ knees hurt.  I am angry.  I can’t lose weight and get healthier without exercising, and I can’t exercise when my major weight-bearing joints hurt so bad I wanna cry.   AND… I don’t have anyone to work out with, and I’m embarrassed to drag my jiggly, wiggly, huffing and puffing, slow-crawl jogging body through my neighborhood streets.  The high school football field track would have been a good place to work out, but it was closed for some sort of repairs.  So yesterday after church I did my workout, knees and neighborhood and all, but all I felt when I got done was anger, and that’s when I ate the Oreos.  Completely counterproductive, yes?  (I know, I should just give up on C25k and look into a membership at the YMCA or some other place that has a pool and do something that is non-weight-bearing, but ugh.  Wetness and changing clothes and showers and lockers and excuses, excuses.)

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5.  I colored my hair yesterday and I look like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald, with a little bit of Weird Al thrown in for good measure.  I need a good haircut, that’s all there is to that.

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6.  I keep wanting to plan all my activities and adventures and tours for my trip to Charleston in October, but it’s still a little too far away.  I don’t know what the schedule is for the conference, what other people are going to be doing that I might could join in and be included in, etc.  I have been looking at walking tours, plantation tours, etc., and I want to do them all, but I know there’s only so much time I will have, and I don’t know which ones will be best.  I am hoping that as it draws closer, I will hear more from the other participants about what exactly their plans are and how much time to I need to plan to spend on my own versus hanging out with them.

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7.  Which leads me to The Twitter Issue.  Although there is a Facebook group that hasn’t been active really, since the end of the last event, the organizers of the Charleston trip communicate mainly through Twitter.  The problem is that so far I have not, up until today, had a Twitter account, because I. Don’t. Get. It.  Seriously.  I don’t understand Twitter, I don’t wanna understand Twitter, I think Twitter is a little bit stupid.  Or maybe Twitter just makes me feel stupid.  But I signed up today, hoping to be able to keep up-to-date with the other attendees of The Blathering and maybe get to know some of them enough to plan to share some tours or activities.  I didn’t really want to have any presence on Twitter other than as needed to participate in The Blathering, so I think what I might do is just delete my account there (are these things ever really gone?) and become the person who brings the Fb group back to life.

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Ok, I guess there will be no 8-10.  Fortunately, I think my Rant-juice just ran out.  I know, you’re thinking “Thank God!” I just needed to vent, you know?  Frustration, aggravation, pain, boredom, loneliness, anticipation, all those things just sort of got thrown into the blender and needed to decorate the kitchen walls, right?

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So as I am prone to do, I will soldier on, keep plowing, etc.  I just took a deep breath, and I will be finishing my day here at work, heading home to see what the kids have been up to all day, (they assure me they have been doing the things I asked them to do, housework help-wise) and trying to find something for supper that won’t exacerbate the damage I did to my Weight Watchers over the weekend.  Meeting is tomorrow, you see.  Not particularly looking forward to it.  Last week I had done the C25k workout three days of the week, as instructed; I thought I had done ok on my eating, and yet I gained like 4lbs. I decided my body hates me and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.  Thanks again for listening, Innernetz.  I don’t know what I’d do without ya. 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

Shake It Off, Rock! January 31, 2013

Filed under: Mood Swings — DDKlingonGirl @ 1:44 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Grinch

Grinch (Photo credit: Mad Manchegan)

Hello all.  I hate to follow up a rant-y, cranky post with another one just like it.  Really, I do.  I generally try to avoid extensive periods of rant-yness, at least in this forum, if not in life.  At least I think I do.  But here’s where I am today:  1.  Facebook has outlived its usefulness.  Instead of the majority of friends posting actual updates to their actual lives, everyone posts politcal articles, fitness-nazi rants that actively belittle 98% of the populace, the “Verse of the Day,” and posters with cheesy, “Duh”-inducing quotes on them.  2.  When I was preparing to leave the house this morning, my entire attitude could be summed up as follows:  It would be a totally ideal day if I could only be allowed to wear my fluffy green Grinch slippers, ((love)) everywhere, all day long.  3.  I am currently in the throes of a surge of negativity concerning my job.  It’s cushy, no doubt.  (See: freedom of schedule, autonomy, decent pay.) The negativity lies in the expectation to believe certain things that are currently beginning to make me want to simultaneously sigh, growl, and roll my eyes every time I hear or read them.  (For those not in the know, I work for a ministry, of the type of church I was raised in, certain tenets of which are now beginning to chafe, some because I question and sometimes do not want to believe them, and others because I do believe them but am currently failing miserably at sharing said beliefs.)

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((deep breath))

Ok, on the plus side, I am doing very well on my Weight Watchers this week.  The meeting was just on Tuesday, and I had another obscene, unmentionable gain, but since then I have measured and tracked everything most carefully.  If I can (I shouldn’t say ‘if’ but oh well) continue to stick with that through the weekend that usually kills me, I will manage to have a good loss next week, and that will help me to continue doing the same for a second whole week in a row, and then perhaps it will snowball into a sustained period of success.

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So I will look ahead to that success with hopeful anticipation.  I will forget all the things that have been making me have a particularly cactus-like personality today.  I will be thankful for my silly Daughter S. who stopped by my work to kill time between college classes and succeeded in making me laugh, even when I didn’t think I felt like it, and also thankful for the fact that she is especially skillful at recognizing when I need to laugh and making that happen with her wonderful goofiness.   I will finish this post and do my job, and we will be one day closer to the weekend.  And I will think of others instead of myself, like for example my poor baby sister, bloggy code name: SparkleAndGrowl, who is suffering from back issues and is in extraordinary pain.  My Mom is taking her to the ER today, and hopefully Little Sis will feel better very soon.

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Thanks to all of you who read and stick with me through my rants, my raves, and my emotional bungee jumping.  You rock!

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Until next time,

D.

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PS- The title of today’s post comes from something that my former husband used to say (that I’m quite sure he stole from somewhere else) whenever I started being all rant-y and whiny.  I didn’t think of the title until I finished the post.  Sometimes it happens the other way around.  Later, peeps!

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My Future Oscar Winner: The Drama Has GOT to be Good for SOMETHING! January 6, 2011

Wishes fireworks shows in the Magic Kingdom Wa...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  You know how I’m always saying that my son will someday either end up on The Oscars or America’s Most Wanted?  Well, I’ve decided.  It needs to be The Oscars.  This boy has got such an incredibly strong imagination, and he’s so extremely emotional!  Not that I think his mood swings are an act at this point, but I think he could use his tendency toward drama to really take him places!  Consider tonight, for example:

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We had been having what I called a Disney Dance Party, which was my way of getting these little couch potatoes moving in preparation for our trip to Disney World.  Since it’s still too dark for us all to go for a family walk when I get home from work, I decided we were just going to put on some peppy music and boogie it out as hard as we could for 20 minutes a night, working up to longer times as the trip gets closer.  So we had done that tonight, dancing to Sean Kingston‘s Fire Burning, Jay Z and Kanye’s Down, and Lady Gaga’s Disco Heaven.  (And Daughter J. insisted on listening to two songs from A Goofy Movie.)  I showed them a few exercise moves like holding a squat against the wall, and just holding a crouch for as long as we could.  I helped The Boy do a few sit-ups, and we finally stopped and sat down.  I told them we would find a calming, relaxing song to cool down to, and then I got a bright idea that turned out to be not so bright for The Boy. 

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I sat on the edge of my chair, with my arms stretched out and down against my knees.  I told them I imagined all the negative energy, dark stuff, bad moods, and ugliness shooting out of my fingertips as I stretched them downward, until my entire body was empty of anything negative.  Then I turned my palms up as I rested them on my knees and told them to imagine positive energy, light, and warmth being poured into their hands until it ran up their arms and filled up their whole chest and exploded outward.  So The Boy decided to give this a try, and my poor Little Man had been ‘receiving the positive’ for about half a minute when he just burst into tears!  He said he was crying because it was so beautiful and that he imagined little white angels falling into his hands.  He sat on my lap for a while and I tried to explain to him that I wanted him to just feel relaxed and positive, not cry!  So he got back on the couch and gave it another try and this time, he almost started crying again, because he said he saw himself being hugged by God! 

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And this after he had just earlier in the evening been grouching and griping and completely unmanageable and unreasonable about every tiny thing, up to and including having a tantrum because his hamburger bun came apart as he tried to take it out of the bag!  I swear I do not know what comes over this kid! 

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And at the same time, he  is such a comedian!  His birthday is four months from today, and he’s been bugging me about this Harry Potter merchandise he wants, something he found on one of those dvd inserts where they advertise wands and sorcerer’s stones and time-turner necklaces and golden egg pendants.  And $300 pewter HP chess sets.  You get the idea.  So he’s been bugging and begging, and since he had done nothing but be a hateful old grump to Daughter J. all evening, I told him he wasn’t getting anything until he could learn to love his sister and get along and be kind!  So they are both sitting on the couch, and a moment after I tell him this, he LAUNCHES  himself across the couch and wraps his arms around her and puts this silly, happy grin on his face.  Then when she looks over at me like “WHAT is he doing?”  he snuggles his head into her side again and grins even bigger.  Then he cuts his eyes over to me and asks “What do you think?  Can I have it now?” 

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SIGH!  I’m hoping the ‘receiving the positive’ technique will help him sleep better.  He’s always complaining that he can’t sleep, because he keeps thinking about scary things that he’s seen in video games and movies (which he was NOT allowed to watch by me, for the record!  The movie was something Daughter J. let him watch and the video games were something he watched his father play).  We were supposed to do a family project for counseling and make him a dream catcher from stuff we found around the house, but we haven’t done it yet.  He’s usually satisfied with me singing him a few songs when he gets in bed. 

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So.  We’re going to stick with the Disney Dance Party idea and hopefully will build up some stamina in my little chubby-bubbies and prepare them for tackling the World.  For my own part, I’ve been making extra trips up and down the stairs at work for the last few days.  Sadly, I think tonight’s boogie wonderland might possibly have resulted in a few stress fractures!  What I wouldn’t give for a couple of foot transplants!  Have they invented those yet, and if not, WHY NOT!? 

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And while we’re on the subject of Disney, readers should perhaps be aware that this particular topic will be increasingly on my mind in the weeks to come, because our trip is 4 months and three weeks from tomorrow!  I discovered an online message board that has the potential to become the mother of all obsessions for the next few months, www.DISboards.com , and my family is beginning to suspect cult activity!  I’m sure by the time we leave for our trip, they will have the intervention lined up for the moment our return flight lands, and all my Facebook friends will have blocked me from their feeds because they feel they may hurt someone if they see the word ‘Disney’ from me just once more!

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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