The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Night and Day, and the Difference Between the Two November 17, 2011

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Hello all!  Yes, I realize it’s been a dog’s age since I updated.  I apologize.  Really.  Things are so different now than they had been at the time of my last few posts.  Some things are better, some not so better, but right now I am on an upward spike in the old mood graph, so let’s just go with that, shall we?  The biggest, most awesome news  is that I escaped from my job!  Yes, Virginia, I actually broke free of the cult-like pull of a place I had been for 10 years and took a step in a new and different direction, and it’s not even teaching high school English!  The new job is kind of in a field all it’s own.  You could call it ministry, you could call it television/radio broadcasting, but basically I am the new secretary for an evangelistic tv program called The Gospel of Christ.  It is under the supervision of the elders at one of the churches of Christ here.  I have a wide range of duties, including your usual secretary stuff, answering phones, taking messages, but in addition to that, I package and ship all the CDs and DVDs that go out, I enter donations received and pay the bills and do payroll and taxes, I order supplies, I send the media to our tv and radio stations, I burn the discs from new master recordings, design and print the disc labels, send out supporter letters, etc.

*

So yeah, it’s definitely a departure from the Trained Monkey world I was in before.  And best of all… no crazy co-worker who hates me!  I’m in a Christian environment, with people who are young and energetic and passionate about what they are doing.  I’m learning new things that challenge my brain, and I am literally working for God!  It’s pretty awesome.

*

Despite its numerous advantages though, there are a few drawbacks, extremely minor in nature.  I’m now putting the same number of work hours per week into 5 days instead of 6, plus I am still at my old job on Saturdays through the end of the year.  That means I have to be at work earlier in the day, which has rather wrought havoc with my exercise schedule.  I have dropped out of TurboKick class for a month or two because I am trying to get caught up on bills while also saving money for the girls’ birthday and Christmas.  In addition to that, the pay raise looks great on paper, but only resulted in about a $50 per paycheck increase in my net pay.  Not what I was hoping for, but it will do for now.  (I expect that when things settle down around here after the transition, they will realize they can afford to give me a substantial raise.)  The major negative about this job is that it does involve a lot of sitting on my caboose, which was not something I got to do very often at my old job.  This in turn makes me worry about the likelihood that my caboose will notice an increase in mass and volume, translating to an increase in size, which will make me very unhappy.  More on that in a minute.  Another drawback is that certain relationships at my old work, long and generally amiable relationships, have, I fear, suffered irreparable damage by my leaving and the timing of it all.  Coming up on Christmas in the pack and ship business, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth to a boss you’ve worked for, for more than 10 years, to suddenly take a new job on only a week’s notice. (But in all fairness, it was a now or never kind of thing.)  Worse, I’m no longer as close as I was to the few people there I did like, and worst, I was left out of a raise that was given to everybody else the week after I stopped being there full time, even though I’m still working Saturdays through the rest of the year.  That hurt, let me tell ya. I still haven’t had a talk with the boss about that one, but will hopefully have a chance to do so while I’m there this Saturday.

*

All in all, though, it has been a change for the better, I think.  I don’t know what to expect about how long I will be here or where this will take me, but I am hoping that eventually it might become a part-time job that I do in addition to being a Weight Watchers leader and writer.  I have continued to attend Weight Watchers meetings, even though I honestly feel I have been sort of “phoning it in” for a while now.  By that I mean I haven’t really, truly dedicated myself to staying on Plan, but have been eating almost whatever I want, not counting the points, and depending on the 4x a week Turbo classes to keep me out of trouble.  I realized with a significant degree of dismay that this was not going to work for me any longer when I dropped out of turbo and gained weight two weeks in a row!  (By the way, I know only two weeks ago I was all fired up about Simply Recommitting and getting back on track with WW, but unfortunately I had not been able to make it happen until this week.)

*

In case anybody was wondering when I was going to get around to it, the title of this post is a figurative reference both to how much happier I am at this new job versus where I was before, and also the difference a little extra motion makes in my weight loss journey.  But I am actually trying to look at this short break from Turbo as a good time to get back to essentials on the WW plan.  I want to really re-familiarize myself with the PointsPlus values of foods so that the overall picture stays clear in my head.  That probably makes absolutely no sense to anybody.  But the title is also referring to the difference between yesterday and today for me, because yesterday was one of those days that I think we all have every now and then (I hope to goodness I’m not the only one!) where we just sort of hate ourselves and our lives and everything we own!  That sounds pretty extreme, but in all honesty, The Boy and his twins sisters have been driving me berserk lately with their constant bickering and fussing, their complete lack of motivation to be much help around the house, and their entitled attitude in general.   In addition to that, my car kept dying when I was taking the kids to school, I couldn’t find any decent clothes to wear, and I had lost my temper with The Boy before we even left the house.

*

Today, on the other hand, I’ve been in a great mood, didn’t mind my clothes (or lack thereof), the car didn’t die, and I got the kids out of the house and taken to school without any major breakdowns!  Furthermore, today at work has been a lot of fun, what with the guys trying to re-build and decorate the studio set and a few other goofy mishaps, and I’ve stayed on plan with WW, so it’s just been a much better day than tomorrow.  And isn’t that always a blessing?!

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

A Battle Hard Fought Is a Battle Half Won? December 11, 2010

Hello all.  I realized something recently.  I am a food addict.  And… a compulsive eater.  I think.  All this week at work I’ve experienced an intense desire to eat in the late afternoon.  No way I could be actually hungry.  Well, not very, anyway.  I just want to eat.  I want to put stuff in my mouth and consume it.  I want to gnash my teeth on something, taste the sweetness or saltiness or whatever is available.  Friends… I HATE IT!!!! 

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I hate that feeling worse than anything in the world, like I’m stuffing my feelings, my emotions, my energy level, and whatever else threatens my serenity at the moment.  Granted, my job is fairly high stress, especially at this time of year.  (I work in a UPS Store.) We’re busy, it’s fast-paced, it’s physically tiring, and I have one co-worker who is literally out of touch with reality and who, I believe, has completely gone ’round the bend.  But we can’t fire her- we can’t get through the Christmas season without her.  She makes everybody who works there (and half the customers) just shake their heads in sheer disbelief AND want to slam their fingers in a door or two, but we can’t get rid of her.  Not until after the holidays.  (Although believe me, I’m working on a good reason.  If things play out the way I expect they will, the boss will have no choice but to let her go if he wants to keep me.)

*

Regardless of stress, crazy co-workers or whatever, I cannot allow my feelings to dictate what I put in my mouth and when.  I just never noticed before how strong the compulsion was!  I found myself struggling so many times this week, just WISHING there was SOMETHING in the breakroom I could EAT!  And sometimes there was, and I had to fight to resist it.  Sometimes I had brought healthy stuff, stuff with low Weight Watchers PointsPlus values, but other times I just had to have a small nibble of whatever was there and go on.  I have brought apples, baby carrots, grapes, low-carb shakes to work, but sometimes all there is in the fridge is a half-eaten Hershey bar or package of peanuts.  I’ve been eating the chocolate one tiny square at a time or the peanuts 8 or 10 at a time, when I simply have to have something to pick me up.  I’ve noticed that the drive to put something in my mouth often comes after we’ve cleared out a small rush of customers, when I’m physically worn out.  At those times, I think maybe it’s not so much an emotional eating thing as it is that I really do need a burst of energy to keep me going, and my body screams at me to fuel it! 

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Either way, I am continuing to try to follow the Weight Watchers plan.  It’s a daily struggle, a literal battle to resist eating things I shouldn’t.  I’m shoving baked Tostitos in my face at this very moment, even though I’m deep into my weekly points today.  It’s not good.  Not good at all.  I want to be thinner.  I want to be healthier.  I want to have more energy.  I want to maybe be a Weight Watchers leader someday.  I won’t be able to do or have or be any of that if I can’t learn to control my actions when my mind or my stomach or my body in general screams at me to put something in my mouth!  It’s terrifying, if you want to know the truth.  I know, it sounds a little dramatic, but if you’re skinny, if you’re a happy regular exerciser, if you’ve never felt what it feels like to have an overwhelming urge to eat something for no good reason, I’m not sure if you can understand.  The fear is there that I’ll never conquer it, that I’ll never be able to consistently win the battle and resist eating what I shouldn’t, when I shouldn’t, and how much I shouldn’t!  Some days it’s just. so. hard.

*

Anyway.  I’ll just keep going, because I know for sure that if I quit trying, I’ll never win, and that self-control is just like any muscle.  You have to exercise it, and it gets easier the more you do.  I have to count on that.

*

Until next time,

D.

 

There’s Truth, and Then There’s TRUTH. October 20, 2010

Hello all.  Day 6 of 30 Days of Truth-ish.  Our topic for the day is Something You Hope You Never Have to Do.  The blogger I borrowed this idea from said she hoped never to have to bury her husband.  I can understand that, but if I had a husband, in a more significant way than just on paper as I do, I would so much rather enjoy a long, happy life together and eventually bury him if I had to, than lose him any other way, like to divorce.  I cannot and will not ever go through that again. 

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No, my “hope to never have to” is much worse to me than the thought of burying a husband, since I don’t have one; my answer is I hope I never have to bury another child.  Yes, I said ‘another.’  My first child was stillborn at 6 months’ gestation, and we went through the whole funeral experience.  I don’t mean to diminish it.  It was sad, and it was traumatizing, and it was painful and took time to get over, but I can say without hesitation, it would be unfathomably worse to have to say goodbye to one of the children I’ve raised and loved and enjoyed.  Baby K was more of an idea.  A possibility, a hope, a dream.  Daughter S, Daughter J, and The Boy are realities.  They are the reality that keeps me going every day.  They are the reason I am here.  They are the anchor that keeps me from drifting into insanity at times, and sometimes they are the wind that blows me there! 

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But the idea of this exercise is truth, and that is mine.  Of course, there are many other things I hope to never do in my life, like get bitten by a snake, or go to jail, or get hit by a train.  Those would pretty much suck.  And of course, there are the things I will inevitably have to do that are a part of life, like go to the funerals of my friends, relatives, and immediate family.  Not looking forward to that, really.  And there are things like getting cancer or some other debilitating or mind-destroying disease like Alzheimers.  Definitely don’t want to go through those. 

*

But overall, I think the worst thing I could ever go through in life, the thing I hope to never, ever do, is to lose one of my children.  I have to say, though, that I’d be able to bear their loss a thousand times if they were children of God, if they were baptized into Christ or had not yet reached the age of accountability, than I could even once if they were lost.  That would be truly unbearable, because the truth of all truths is that heaven and hell are both real, and waiting. 

*

I realize this has been a total downer of a post.  And I don’t know if it would be better to end here and preserve the impact of my words or share a story that would ease the sadness and get a laugh.  So I think I’ll risk it and share the story, because it’s really quite amazing how uncouth some people are.  I guess this could fall under the category of today’s topic.  I hope to never in my life be this unthinking and inconsiderate of another person’s feelings:

*

At work today, I was sharing with my obnoxious co-worker the story of why I was wearing the particular shirt I’m wearing today, which is a t-shirt with a picture of a monkey in a suit sitting at a computer, and reads “I ‘heart’ Monkey Business.” I wore the shirt because I just randomly picked it up and tried it on to see if it would fit and it did! I was celebrating because it was a 2X t-shirt instead of the 4 or 5 I used to wear!

So I’m telling co-worker all this and she asks me what size my work shirt is. (I used to work Saturdays only, so I have one uniform shirt that I wear occasionally, but usually I wear my own clothes with an apron bearing our logo.) So I tell her “Oh, I don’t know, probably about a 4” (meaning 4XL). And she looks and me and makes her eyes get big and says, and I’m not kidding here, “GOD, that’s huge!”

I just rolled my eyes and went on with what I was doing. I think she continued with some blather about “See, don’t you feel better? Won’t you be glad when you can wear a medium? You’re making progress!”

*

Yeah.  Progress in the area of not responding with the following snark:  “Pardon me, Ma’am.  Stupid Police.  I’m afraid I’m gonna have to run you in, ’cause you’re a complete idiot!”

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Breaking the (Bloggy) Rules: Good Work People, Bad Work People July 10, 2010

Filed under: Adventures in Gainful Employment,Class Reunion — DDKlingonGirl @ 7:04 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Hello all.  Today was a good day.  Despite its being Saturday and having to be at work earlier than normal and being the only one of the three regular front counter workers there.  I realize this might be breaking a cardinal rule of blogging, but… just. Wow.  I believe I’ve mentioned “Obnoxious Co-Worker” in the past?  The one who, with such wonderful concern and kindness, commented on my doughnut-eating at work: “I thought you were on a diet!” and then thirty seconds later after I informed her I had thrown half of it away: “That’s wasteful.”  Well, a week ago yesterday, which would be last Friday the 2nd, there was… an incident.  An incident which, without boring you with the details, resulted in her biting my head off, entirely unprovoked, and me telling her if she bit my head off again, she and I were gonna go round and round!  (Yes, maybe it was juvenile, but I was just not in a mood that day to put up with anybody’s hatefulness without dishing out some of my own.)

So this week?  We were closed Monday in observance of Independence Day and I missed Thursday because The Boy had an appointment out of town.  But the rest of the time, the other three days we worked together, side by side, for five and a half HOURS?  We did so in complete silence!  She did not speak a word directly to me the entire week.  She went out of her way to avoid coming within three feet of me.  If we were slow and all of us were standing around, she made sure she was at the opposite end of the counter from me, and if I moved forward, she moved backward.  She kept her back turned toward me whenever possible.  And to top it all off, I received a package at work on Thursday when I was gone, and it mysteriously got put back in the outgoing mail and came back again on Friday!  Coincidence?  Accident?  Spiteful action by an insane harpy?  You decide.  I know which direction I’m leaning!

So I guess I say all that to say this:  I don’t mind working Saturdays by myself anymore!  I mean being the only one of the girls there, with the bosses alternating Saturdays.  I used to dread it and hate it and be really annoyed by the fact that we were slow and it was boring and I sat around reading magazines all day and resenting that I was the only one who had to work.  But now?  It’s like peace.  Sweet, quiet, OCW-free peace!  And business is a lot steadier lately, for some reason, so Saturdays are rarely so slow that they are boring.  And I can do my job better because I don’t feel the silent hate radiating off OCW like freakin’ Chernobyl!

So back to today.  Except for a few moments when one customer’s picky snideness was about to get my goat but good, I enjoyed working with Brother Boss 1 and his wife.  They are usually pretty entertaining.  Working at the store is just their Every Other Saturday/Summer job.  He’s an elementary school principal and she’s a high school band director.  His twin brother is the one who runs the store full time, although he, too, has a background in education.  I’ve been with them for almost 8 years.  They’re like family, in some ways.  They listen to me talk about my family and my life and they try to encourage me about my own (stalled out) teaching career.  They came to my wedding, even though they had to close the store early on a Saturday to do it.  Yeah.  I like them a lot. 

There was also something on my mind today that I may write about in detail in another entry, and I was thinking about the class reunion and all the stuff we still have to do for that.  I was bouncing ideas off Brother Boss 1 and we were talking about reunions and high school and how much people and perceptions change over the years.  I was asking for ideas for a reunion gift basket and his first words were “Oil of Olay…”  What a corker!

Until next time,

D.

 

Let Summer Begin! May 31, 2010

Filed under: Kid Kraziness — DDKlingonGirl @ 9:55 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Hello all.  Somebody tell me again why I was in a hurry for Summer to get here?  I can’t remember.  I’m used to quiet mornings alone, writing or doing whatever I want around the house.  This morning I got up, and within five minutes, two of the kids are up and in the living room with me.  Within five minutes after that, Daughter S. has the PS3 controller in her hands, and is about to start playing her ‘Avatar’ game.  Well actually, she’s online using the PS3, and she has found a “translator” site to translate English to Na’vi, the language of the natives on ‘Avatar.’   She told me last night she wants a t-shirt she saw online somewhere that says “I’m With Stupid” in Na’vi.   I wonder if they have a shirt that says “Where Did My Sanity Go?”  I’m going to need that soon, I think.

But maybe not.  This week will be a super-short week at work. (Hallelujah!)  We’re off work today for Memorial Day and I’m taking off Friday and Saturday for the Family Reunion.  We’re going to be at Canyon Lake, Texas, which is where my grandpa lives.  For past reunions we’ve reserved the group camp at Potter’s Creek, but an attempt to do something different this time resulted in a snafu, and now we’re using some facility closer to town that has a meeting room, a game room, and a pool.  As for accomodations, I’m not sure exactly where we’ll land.  Mom was going to book us a room or a rent house, but when my dad got sick she didn’t get it done, so maybe we’re going to just be sleeping in the floor at Grandpa’s.  Sounds restful, doesn’t it?

Actually, very little about this weekend is likely to be restful.  We have to leave at about 7:30 in the morning on Friday.  It’s about a 6 or 8 hour drive down there, through Dallas, Austin, Waco, all the fun places to drive.  My sister and cousin and I are supposed to be making the food, and I don’t have a clue what we’re doing!  Dad is making brisket, which is his usual speciality.  Mom and I have discussed the food, but I was only half paying attention. 

The thing I was talking about a couple of posts back when I said the week would be difficult was that Daughter S. was going to go to Grandpa’s early with my dad to help clean Grandpa’s house and get things ready for the reunion.  This was going to leave Daughter J. and The Boy alone together during the day from Tuesday through Thursday.  Not a great idea.  Sometimes they get along ok, but most of the time, these two children get along like they want to kill each other!  J. can’t get The Boy to do what she tells him to, and he yells and fights with her, and she sinks to his level and starts hitting, and they accomplish nothing.  I was thoroughly dreading leaving the two of them alone if Daughter S. went to Grandpa’s house early.  Now it seems that S. has backed out, so I guess we’ll all be ok and there will be no bloodshed this week. 

Now all three kids are up and they’re watching cat videos on YouTube.  Something called ‘Caturday’ that is both funny and stupid.  This post has been brought to you by “I think I’m losing my touch and may never say another funny thing in the rest of my life!” 

Until next time,

D.

 

Am I Shining Yet? May 26, 2010

Hello all.  Well, today’s the day.  I’m under instructions from The Golden Goddess to blog about how I’m feeling.  We talked yesterday about what exactly it is I expect from him, what I want him to acknowledge.  This was in the context of me wondering if I’d hear from him today with the express purpose of letting me know he hadn’t forgotten.  What could he say?  What would be the right sentiment?  ‘Happy Anniversary’ hardly applies. 

‘I’m sorry I came up with this hare-brained scheme and then tore our hearts out and turned our lives upside down, but I’ll always appreciate that you were willing to give me a chance and I’ll always love you no matter what, for  what little it’s worth.’ seems more appropriate.

GG told me I needed to make this day a celebration of me, a day to celebrate me continuing to be open to life and love, and continuing to believe that it is worth it, that it is out there waiting.  She said I have to let go of beating myself up for the choice to marry RMB, because the facts about us, the concepts I was basing the choice on- good friendship, being able to talk, knowing each other a long time, and of course the love- were all good foundations to base a relationship and a marriage on, but they blinded me to the negatives and the warning signs.

I’ve been listening to music all morning, and I’ve been hearing a variety of lyrics.  I posted a lyric from Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Car’ on my Fb status:  “You got a fast car.  Is it fast enough so we could fly away?  We gotta make a decision- leave tonight or live and die this way.”  I have always loved that song, because it captures how I’ve felt at times about both my marriages, how both felt- in some moments- like hopeless traps.  The song is all about decisions, and the desire to improve where you are in life, and I really relate to that. 

Before that I was listening to the soundtrack from Twilight, specifically the Rob Pattinson songs and the instrumentals, ‘Bella’s Lullaby’ and ‘Clare de Lune.’  Those songs are just moody, emotional songs that, for me, evoke passion and pain interwined together in an inevitible tangle.  They somehow speak to me that real love, while beautiful, is not without its rough, tangled, dramatic times, but that they only enhance the experience because you come out stronger and more beautiful for the journey you’ve taken.

Then I listened to a song by Anna Nalick, called ‘Shine’ which says in part, “I think you need to stop following misery’s lead- Shine away, shine away, shine away.  Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are? We’re all waiting on your supernova, ’cause that’s who you are, and you’ve only begun to shine.”  This song just makes me think of where I am now and how I’m seeking this quality of liking myself, liking who I am, feeling like I shine in my life.

And ironically, the song I paused so I could concentrate on writing about the first few was the ultimate ‘moving on’ song- Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive.’  We all know the words to that one:  “First I was afraid, I was petrified.  Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights thinkin’ how you did me wrong, and I grew strong.  I learned how to get along…I’ve got all my life to live.  I’ve got all my love to give.  I’ll survive.  I will survive.” 

Right now Barbra Streisand’s “Somewhere” from West Side Story is playing:

—————————————————
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There’s a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there.
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!
—————————————————————————————

So that’s it in a nutshell:  love can stink sometimes, but love yourself first, find your way to shine, wait for your time, and know you’ll survive, no matter what.

So here’s how I’m celebrating me today.  I made myself a good, healthy breakfast.  I’ve done what I love, which is to write, and do this blog, and now I’m going to go take a shower, wash my hair with my super-good-smelling shampoo, put on makeup (which I rarely do) and find a rockin’ outfit to wear today.  I’m going to go to work, I’m going to smile at every customer I help, and I’m going to know that I am beautiful and that if it’s in God’s plan for me to love again, I will.  And if not, hey,  life is temporary and Heaven will make up for any disappointments.  Love you all.  Shine on!

Until next time,

D.

 

In Observance of May 26: Pain and Perspective May 24, 2010

Hello all.  Well.  This has the potential to be a rough week, for a variety of reasons.  Let’s work our way from least to greatest, shall we? 

The most insignificant way this might be a rough week is that, once again, we’re short-handed at work.  One girl is on vacation this week, and I’ll probably be doing her job, which means I won’t be going out on routes, which means I don’t get to rest my feet during the day, which means I’ll likely be more tired, cranky, and in pain when I get home to the crumb-crunchers. 

(Well, I thought I was leading up to reason #2, but that will be next week.  Moving on.) It’s the last week of school.  Hyperactive craziness and misbehavior will probably be the order of the day, at least for The Boy.

All that aside, the greatest reason this could be a rough week, or at least for the next couple of days, occurs on Wednesday.  It’s May 26, my and RMB’s anniversary.   Our third anniversary, and the second one we’ve spent living apart.  I cried myself to sleep last night, angry at him for being the way he is, but angrier at myself for my selfishness and stupidity.  I married this man, even though I can’t think of a single person I knew who thought this was a good idea.  I thought they were wrong.  I thought I knew what we could do.  I was determined.  I thought he was determined.  I was fooling myself.

I think what’s driving me crazy now is that I can’t see how we can save our friendship, first because I feel so angry still, and second because I have lost any respect I had for him.  Everything I can think about him is negative, everything I can see about him is negative.  And I mentioned the other day about how we’re growing more distant, our conversations more casual and shallow, which also hurts.  I love him but mostly I don’t like him, if that makes any sense.   I love him, so it hurts me to see him for who and what he really is, which I always did, but I downplayed it, ignored it. 

So yes, I know I have only myself to blame for the way I’m feeling now.  I try to downplay the pain yet again, spew that “it’s all part of my journey” crap, but in reality, I know it all boils down to choices.  I made a bad one.  That’s all there is to it.  Maybe someday I can stop beating myself up over it. 

Until next time,

D.

PS- Hello, dose of perspective.  My mother just texted me and told me my dad is getting put in the hospital because he’s got bronchitis really bad, almost pneumonia.

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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