The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

I Don’t Know Where I’m Going, But I’m Making Good Time December 27, 2011

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Hello all.  Ok, so some of you might think that I’ve been taken back to my home planet or that I’ve run off and joined the French Foreign Legion (an expression of my Dad’s) or that I’ve become a goatherder at the top of some mountain somewhere.  Nope.  None of you are right, but thanks for playing.  The truth of the matter is… life is just busy, peeps!  What with everybody’s favorite ready-made excuse for everything, the Holidays (shudder) and changing jobs and all, things have just gotten away from me.  But here’s the deal:  I’m going to try.. TRY to start updating more often.  Shorter posts, more to the point.  I mean you guys don’t have to know every detail of what’s on my mind, just the highlights, right?

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With that in mind, the new job is going great.  Things got smoothed out fine with my old boss.  Misunderstanding.  All good now.  Crazy co-worker, not so much.  She sent me a Christmas card with a sort of perfunctory apology for all the junk that’s gone on between us, saying she missed me and she wanted us to still be friends.  And I said, “Whaa…?!”  So I wrote her a little Christmas card, which I also did for everyone there, and I included a little letter that said, in effect, that I accepted her apology, but she needed to know how she had made me feel most of this past year.  I basically thanked her for making the environment there miserable enough to push me to get out of my comfort zone and try to find another job (which wasn’t hard, because this one just sort of fell into my lap) because I am much happier where I am now.  I ended by telling her I hoped that she found something that made her happy and joyful, and that she was a good homemaker and a great mom, both of which are true.  Overall, best response I could have made?  Probably not, but she needed to know that “Sorry” doesn’t fix everything.  I am definitely happier with where I work now, so that’s all that matters.

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Job-related happiness aside, the children are causing all sorts of emotional turmoil for me at this point.  The girls are graduating in May, which is just one of those “Where have I been the last 18 years?” things.  You wake up one day and realize your job is almost finished, and you hope like crazy that you did it well enough.  Thankfully, I’ve still got…The Boy.  He is enough of a challenge to keep me busy for another three lifetimes.  His educational issues and mood issues and social issues, or rather teaching him to function in society despite those issues, is going to be the focus of my life for the next 10 years at least.  Getting him through high school alive and finding him a direction in life is going to be my main goal.

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Despite the challenges in raising them, the kids are a lot of fun.  We had an awesome 18th birthday party for the girls.  We hired a karaoke DJ and decorated a local small meeting space to look like a club, sort of.  They had a great time.  We all did.  I discovered that I make dorky faces and dramatic gestures like some kind of Diva Wannabe when I sing.  Except I knew that already.  I’ve been a Wannabe singer my entire life.

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Also under the category of Kids and Fun, I am really, REALLY looking forward to our vacation in May, when I take them on a cruise.  I could literally spend hours just looking through my planning notebook, staring at packing lists and flight schedules and touring plans.  I have read reviews of our ship and looked at hundreds of pictures, read Frommer’s Carribean Ports of Call backward and forward.  Just can’t wait.  Except that when it finally gets here, it means the girls have graduated and are now free to go make their own lives.  As tough as it is for me to let them be free, I hope they get where they want to go.

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So anyway.  Things are good.  I have been working on what I want next year’s theme to be, so be watching for a post on that.  Life theme, I mean.  This year was action, last year was transformation… I’ve been trying to examine where I am in my journey and where I want to get to from here, and that is never easy.  But hopefully with prayer and hard work, I’ll eventually make a start at it, at least.

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Until next time,

D.

 

One-Two, Cha Cha Cha! January 18, 2011

Hello all!  I wanted to write earlier this morning, but I wasn’t able to, so now I’m trying to remember all the things I wanted to talk about, so forgive me if this post is a little incoherent!  Our title today refers to a slightly odd moment I was having this morning in front of my bathroom mirror.  You’re having trouble figuring out what I could possibly be talking about, aren’t you?  Don’t worry, you know I’ll explain it in its extraordinarily verbose and detailed entirety.  I’d never let you down.  Oh, right, the story.  Sorry.  Here it is:

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So I took the kids to school this morning.  Daughter S., Daughter J., and The Boy were all bright eyed and bushy tailed… oh, who am I kidding,  I was driving around with three human slugs.  They hate getting up in the morning.  When I try to wake him, Little Man gives a sound that can only be described as a Moo.  We get a great kick out of our morning conversation: 

“Good Morning, Little Man, time to get up!”

“Mooooo!” 

“No mooing.   Time to wake up!” 

“Mooooooo!” 

“No mooing.”

“Mooooo” 

“No mooing!” 

“Mooooooooo!” 

“GET UP OFF THAT BED RIGHT NOW!!!”

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You get the idea.  And then Daughter J. has a bad, very bad, nasty habit of not rolling her rear end off the bed until 7:40.  And then she has to scratch her itchy feet.  Then she has to go in the bathroom and wash her hands and stand there with her hands under the running water for ten minutes until I yell at her to quit wasting water or go get a job and pay the water bill!   And finally she’s the last one out the door, after the rest of us have been sitting in the car for 5 minutes and the first bell is ringing at the high school that very moment!!

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So I took them to school, all the while carefully laying out what I expected them to do upon their return home, when I am not there to stand over them with a whip or a gun or a head-thumping device and make sure they do what they were told.  (FYI- they didn’t do any of it.  I called them when I left work at 6:00 p.m. and they hadn’t started any of what I had told them. Fortunately for the little work-ethic-challenged beasties, they had made enough progress by the time I got home (7:00 p.m. after gas station and groceries!!) that I was able to skip the punishments I had planned for them, which, let me assure you, involved pain and torture of the “Your playstations and ipods are in time-out for a week!” kind. 

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I know, you’re still waiting for the Cha Cha story.  Now the shirt I threw on today was a black button-down blouse (say that 10 times fast!)  with bright stripes of color on it.  I like this shirt for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it was recently retrieved from the “This shirt will die a painful death if I try to squeeze into it” giveaway pile in the garage.  It’s a shirt that says “Hey! Check me out! I’m getting skinny!” 

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I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass of the front door as I was coming home from dumping my kids off on their poor, unsuspecting teachers taking my dearly beloved, wonderful children to participate in their daily education experience.  I thought, or maybe even said aloud, “Who’s that hot, skinny woman walking up to my front door?”  When I got in the house, I dumped my stuff on the couch and went to the bathroom.  I was admiring myself in the appropriately named Vanity mirror, and thinking “Oh yeah, go me, I’m gettin’ skinny.  I look HAWT!”  And then for some completely unknown reason, I looked myself right in the eyes and did a little dance, bobbing my head back and forth and snapping my fingers, and saying “One-Two, cha cha cha, Three-four, cha cha cha!”  Then I laughed manaically at how nuts I am!

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I think it all had to do with the fact that today was weigh-in day at Weight Watchers.  I knew it would be a good day, because I’ve been pretty darn good this week, if I say so myself.  I even knew I had enough leeway to switch my “Very Lightweight Weigh-in Pants” for my thinnest blue jeans. and it wouldn’t affect my loss.  And wouldn’t you know, I lost another 3.2, which brings my total up to 85.6 for the year.  Tomorrow, I will have been doing WW for a year.  I am so very proud of myself, and my efforts, and my choices.  I’ve learned to keep going, even when I totally screw up.  I’ve learned that it’s just all about making healthy food choices one meal at a time and making it a lifestyle change.  I’ve learned that I am not a Sumo-wrestling lumberjack, and I don’t need to eat like one!  (I was so proud of myself the other day, and it was such a minor thing… I ordered a 6-inch sub at Subway instead of a footlong, and didn’t worry that I’d starve before supper!  See?  Little steps.)

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I know I have a long journey still ahead of me.  I have many pounds yet to lose.  But I know I can do it.  I just have to keep dancing!  Say it with me now:  One-Two, Cha Cha Cha!

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Until next time,

D.

 

My Future Oscar Winner: The Drama Has GOT to be Good for SOMETHING! January 6, 2011

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Hello all!  You know how I’m always saying that my son will someday either end up on The Oscars or America’s Most Wanted?  Well, I’ve decided.  It needs to be The Oscars.  This boy has got such an incredibly strong imagination, and he’s so extremely emotional!  Not that I think his mood swings are an act at this point, but I think he could use his tendency toward drama to really take him places!  Consider tonight, for example:

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We had been having what I called a Disney Dance Party, which was my way of getting these little couch potatoes moving in preparation for our trip to Disney World.  Since it’s still too dark for us all to go for a family walk when I get home from work, I decided we were just going to put on some peppy music and boogie it out as hard as we could for 20 minutes a night, working up to longer times as the trip gets closer.  So we had done that tonight, dancing to Sean Kingston‘s Fire Burning, Jay Z and Kanye’s Down, and Lady Gaga’s Disco Heaven.  (And Daughter J. insisted on listening to two songs from A Goofy Movie.)  I showed them a few exercise moves like holding a squat against the wall, and just holding a crouch for as long as we could.  I helped The Boy do a few sit-ups, and we finally stopped and sat down.  I told them we would find a calming, relaxing song to cool down to, and then I got a bright idea that turned out to be not so bright for The Boy. 

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I sat on the edge of my chair, with my arms stretched out and down against my knees.  I told them I imagined all the negative energy, dark stuff, bad moods, and ugliness shooting out of my fingertips as I stretched them downward, until my entire body was empty of anything negative.  Then I turned my palms up as I rested them on my knees and told them to imagine positive energy, light, and warmth being poured into their hands until it ran up their arms and filled up their whole chest and exploded outward.  So The Boy decided to give this a try, and my poor Little Man had been ‘receiving the positive’ for about half a minute when he just burst into tears!  He said he was crying because it was so beautiful and that he imagined little white angels falling into his hands.  He sat on my lap for a while and I tried to explain to him that I wanted him to just feel relaxed and positive, not cry!  So he got back on the couch and gave it another try and this time, he almost started crying again, because he said he saw himself being hugged by God! 

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And this after he had just earlier in the evening been grouching and griping and completely unmanageable and unreasonable about every tiny thing, up to and including having a tantrum because his hamburger bun came apart as he tried to take it out of the bag!  I swear I do not know what comes over this kid! 

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And at the same time, he  is such a comedian!  His birthday is four months from today, and he’s been bugging me about this Harry Potter merchandise he wants, something he found on one of those dvd inserts where they advertise wands and sorcerer’s stones and time-turner necklaces and golden egg pendants.  And $300 pewter HP chess sets.  You get the idea.  So he’s been bugging and begging, and since he had done nothing but be a hateful old grump to Daughter J. all evening, I told him he wasn’t getting anything until he could learn to love his sister and get along and be kind!  So they are both sitting on the couch, and a moment after I tell him this, he LAUNCHES  himself across the couch and wraps his arms around her and puts this silly, happy grin on his face.  Then when she looks over at me like “WHAT is he doing?”  he snuggles his head into her side again and grins even bigger.  Then he cuts his eyes over to me and asks “What do you think?  Can I have it now?” 

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SIGH!  I’m hoping the ‘receiving the positive’ technique will help him sleep better.  He’s always complaining that he can’t sleep, because he keeps thinking about scary things that he’s seen in video games and movies (which he was NOT allowed to watch by me, for the record!  The movie was something Daughter J. let him watch and the video games were something he watched his father play).  We were supposed to do a family project for counseling and make him a dream catcher from stuff we found around the house, but we haven’t done it yet.  He’s usually satisfied with me singing him a few songs when he gets in bed. 

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So.  We’re going to stick with the Disney Dance Party idea and hopefully will build up some stamina in my little chubby-bubbies and prepare them for tackling the World.  For my own part, I’ve been making extra trips up and down the stairs at work for the last few days.  Sadly, I think tonight’s boogie wonderland might possibly have resulted in a few stress fractures!  What I wouldn’t give for a couple of foot transplants!  Have they invented those yet, and if not, WHY NOT!? 

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And while we’re on the subject of Disney, readers should perhaps be aware that this particular topic will be increasingly on my mind in the weeks to come, because our trip is 4 months and three weeks from tomorrow!  I discovered an online message board that has the potential to become the mother of all obsessions for the next few months, www.DISboards.com , and my family is beginning to suspect cult activity!  I’m sure by the time we leave for our trip, they will have the intervention lined up for the moment our return flight lands, and all my Facebook friends will have blocked me from their feeds because they feel they may hurt someone if they see the word ‘Disney’ from me just once more!

Until next time,

D.

 

Futility and Future In Juxtaposition December 19, 2010

Hello all.  As per usual, I am in a fierce bad mood.  My kids are grumpy little homebody couch potatoes.  I was wanting to go to the candlelight service at my sister’s church, but they weren’t interested in going.  All they ever want to do is sit around and draw or play their stupid video games or watch movies or other mindless crap on YouTube.  And whose fault is it that they are the way they are?  Mine.  All mine.  I raised them.  I shaped them.  I formed them.  So if I sometimes can’t stand them, it’s my own stinking fault. 

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So, let’s see.  What else am I crabby about?  My co-worker stabbed me in the back by interfering with my mail at work and my boss won’t even confront her about it.  My house payment is about to go up.  My car needs a brake job, its transmission serviced, and a new windshield.  I will be alone and bored on New Year‘s Eve.  I want to find a different church.  I don’t know where I belong, career-wise speaking.  I am desperately hopeless about ever finding a long-lasting, successful relationship.  I am annoyed at myself for even wanting that, because I’m clearly not in a place where I can have a man in my life, because my dear children have made it clear that they want me all to themselves and they do not want me to have a man in my life (or at least theirs) until they are grown and out of the house and on their own.  At least, the girls have.  I don’t necessarily blame them, but anyway…The Boy would probably not mind, if the guy was a decent person who had the tiniest bit of rapport with him. 

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I guess I just woke up depressed this morning.  I don’t know why, exactly.  Just woke up bummed and cranky and crabby.  I tried to think of something to post on Facebook, but I couldn’t think of something that didn’t sound whiny and obnoxious, so I gave up.  I just can’t be one of those people who is constantly posting updates talking about how fabulously blessed and happy they are, and how perfect their life is, and how they are existing in a constant state of near-orgasmic bliss.  Who the heck is that happy ALL the darn time?!  Facebook is my nemisis.  My mother got irritated at me the other day because I unleashed a verbal slap-down on someone who ticked me off on Fb.  She says I spout off on there too much and put too much personal stuff on there.  Or maybe she was talking about here.  I’m not sure. 

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There is one tiny thing I’m looking forward to, and if anything happens to ruin it, I will have a monster-sized temper tantrum.  The kids never read my blog, so I could share it here, but I won’t, just in case.  I’ll just say that it’s something for the whole family that the kids don’t know about yet, that they will find out about as part of their Christmas.  I am sooooo looking forward to seeing their faces when they find out!  It is the one bright spot in my life at this moment. 

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So anyway.  Back to the love/relationship thing.  I had a dream the other night- I don’t remember if there was any more to it than this one part, but I was standing there with this guy I graduated with, and he said “I love you,” and I said “I love you.”  It was short and to the point, but the emotions were clearly intense.  I can’t imagine why I dreamed that, or why I dreamed about this particular guy.  All I know is that even though finding someone to love is clearly high on my list of desires, I can’t really picture being able to fit someone in my life right now.  Maybe the reason the entire subject is so depressing is that I’m still married!  On paper, at least, which does me no good whatsoever.  And as I said, the kids have already decreed that I am not allowed to remarry while they are still at home.  Granted, the girls are only 17 months away from graduating high school. (OMG- did I just say that!?)  But they probably won’t be leaving home for a couple of years after that.  Daughter S. wants to take classes at the local higher ed center for a year or two and then go to art school.  Daughter J.’s options and abilities are both slightly more limited, but she doesn’t really think in realistic terms anyway.  She wants to work for Disney.  Specifically, she wants to be a Disney “star,” as in one of those overrated teenage actors who stars in a Disney show, puts out music cds, and generally makes people wonder just WHO is in charge at Disney studios, anyway? 

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The boy will be 10 in May, so he’s in the picture for a longer time.  I often wonder what it will be like when the girls do get out into the world on their own and it’s just me and Little Man.  I could do anything.  I could pick up and move to Alaska.  Or go teach ESL in Thailand.  Or move to Port Aransas.  There are possibilities.  I suppose if I were selfish and heartless, I could shove the girls out the door the minute they get home from graduation, ship The Boy off to live with his father, grab my backpack and hit the road in Europe or somewhere to go “find myself.”  But I don’t see that happening. 

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It’s an intriguing, tantalizing idea, though.  It defiinitely is.

Until next time,

D.

 

I Had No Ideas Whatsover! (Wonder how you say that in Spanish?) August 24, 2010

Hello all.  Tonight is one of those nights where I don’t have any particular ideas in mind, or things I really want to talk about, so I’m just going to start typing and see where the road leads.  I apologize in advance for the loss of the next few minutes of your life, but gratefully thank you for reading!

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My son cracked me up this morning.  I was still on my own bed, but I was yelling at him, asking if he was up yet.  He didn’t answer, so I yelled his first and middle name, and I heard this exasperated, sighing, more than a little annoyed voice answer, “YES, MOTHER!”  🙂  Then again, he always cracks me up.  He prides himself on his funny little antics and absolutely loves making people laugh. 

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Great thing today- we got rain.  I mean real rain, not one of those that’s just enough drizzle to make the grass strain upward desperately and beg.  It sprinkled a few days ago, which was good, but it wasn’t enough.  We hadn’t had rain in so long, I turned on my windshield wipers and they looked at me with puppy-dog eyes like they didn’t know what to do!

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I was reading some other blogs this morning.  I should never do that.  It just gives me a complex and makes me feel like I should give up writing and apply to clown college.  Some of the writers out there seem soooo talented.  Some of them just like to say f*ck a lot. 

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My 20-year class reunion is coming up next month.  I absolutely deny that I am old enough to have been out of school for TWENTY years!  I was a child prodigy who graduated from high school at age 10.  That’s what it is.  Yeah, that’s my story.  What do you mean I’m full of crap!?  Well who needs you, anyway?  Oh that’s right-  I do, or this thing would be non-existent!  Ok, so the reunion is coming up and I don’t have a thing to wear!  It’s not a fancy-schmancy, la-di-da affair- just a catered dinner and dance at the Elks’ Lodge.  (Boy, does that sound Small Town!)   The dress code isn’t too demanding- it’s just business casual.  The problem is that everything I own is either 3 sizes too big or looks like an old lady, or both!!  I bought a dress a while back, that I actually love, but I don’t have the proper undergarments to wear with it.  It’s a halter top dress, and since I don’t have a strapless or halter top bra, I could either wear a tank top under it or some kind of shirt over it, but I don’t really think it would look right.  So I’m stuck either wearing something I already have that is all baggy and old lady-ish, or borrowing something from I-know-not-whom!  Guess I’ll just have to keep working on it.  The date is Sept. 18, so I have a little less than a month to get this problem solved! 

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Daughter S. is taking Spanish this year, and I think it’s going to be really fun to re-learn it along with her.  My poor Spanish teacher in high school only lasted one year because she was not accustomed to what rotten little beasties high school kids can be.  She found out quick when one little punk made a hairspray can torch in the back of the classroom.  Miss Rosa was much better suited to teaching elementary school, I think.  I was showing off to Daughter S. this morning the only things I learned in that class:  the words to La Bamba, and the Pledge of Allegience in Spanish.  (Which I can never recall the first phrase of- arguably the most important part- the ‘I pledge allegience’ part!)  Just for the halibut, I’ll show it off again, minus appropriate punctuation marks:

(I pledge allegience)

a la bandera

de los Ustados Unidos de America.

y a la Republica que representa

Una nacion, bajo Dios, indivisible

con libertad y justicia para todos.

_________________________________

This post is dying on the vine, so I guess I’m going to give it up for now.  The Boy was working on his homework and he decided he was going to “take a break.”  Only now it’s after 9:30 p.m. and he’s not doing homework and he’s not getting ready for bed either, so it’s time to provide some gentle guidance:  GET READY FOR BED, YOU LITTLE CRUMB-CRUNCHER! 

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Maybe for the next entry I’ll translate the meaning of the words to La Bamba.  You guys totally better run for the hills! 

Until next time,

D.

(ETA:  MILESTONE!!!  Apparently this is my 100th post!  I know it’s just a beginning compared to some of the blogs that have been out there for a while, but wow!  I can’t believe I’ve already gotten this far!  I’m also pushing 2700 total views since I started this thing.  Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read me, and super thanks to those who keep coming back!  Hugs to you!)

 

That’s Not a Euphemisim! August 20, 2010

Hello all!  I wanted to send my son’s teacher a note today:

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“Dear Teacher, We are late today because my son was hunting his lizard.  And that’s not a euphemism.  There is now a lizard loose in my living room.  And that’s not a euphemism either!”  *

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Yeah, The Boy was outside last night running around the neighborhood and he caught this tiiiiiiny little lizard, kinda like this guy:

View Image

which he immediately fell in love with and brought into the house, bound and determined to make it a good home (in a flap-top plastic box with a few tiny pebbles and some grass.  And some WalMart deli-sliced ham.  (In case Senor Tiny Lizard fancied a sandwich, I guess.) ) and they would have many good times and be lifelong friends forever. 

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But then this morning when he was supposed to be getting ready for school, Little Man took his new friend out of his box and was playing with it, pondering whether if you held it on the palm of your hand and then turned your hand sideways, would it stick.  And he made the mistake of setting him down (there was something about ants and crumbs in that story- I got lost there.)  And the next time he looked, “BAM, he was gone.  But I just feel that someday we will find him again.”  So said my 9-year old as we had to abandon the Great Lizard Caper and get in the car and go to school. 

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I hate to rain on his optimistic little parade, but I can almost guarantee we ain’t seein’ that lizard again in this lifetime.  Ok, 1) He’s REALLY tiny.  Like an inch long, tiny.  2) There is nothing for him to eat in here.  I don’t even know what a lizard that tiny would eat!  It’s not like there’s a little lizard buffet lying out in my front entryway with a sign saying ‘All You Can Eat, $5.95!  Lizards Welcome!’  and perhaps most particularly, 3) We have cats.  These cats are vicious carnivorous unmerciful critter-eaters.  They like crickets, wasps, grasshoppers, cockroaches, and the occasional rubber mouse.  It is too much to hope that they would suddenly become picky and discriminating when there’s a juicy little lizard involved. 

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In short, Senor Tiny Lizard has no hope.  One way or another, he is not long for this world.  Would that it were not so, but even if he managed to squeeze out from under the front door and escape to the outside world, he has nothing awaiting him on the other side except a porch full of ants who would love to eat him alive.   Either that or he will mysteriously survive unseen for years in our house and grow to be the size of a small alligator and take his revenge on Los Gatos by sucking their heads off in the middle of the night.  I know, pleasant thought, right? 

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Anyway.  Don’t ask my why I got all fixated on the word ‘euphemism’ today.  I just wondered what the teacher would say if I said we were late because my son was hunting his lizard.  Hee hee.  Ok, you can say it- I’m juvenile.  Besides which, it wasn’t even necessary to write a note, because we weren’t late anyway!  When we were backing out of the driveway, Daughter J. was being all self-congratulatory because we have gotten to school on time every day this week.  And dear Daughter S., bless her heart, said “It’s only the third day!” 

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Well it may be only the third day, but darn it, it’s Friday, and that’s always a reason to smile.  The kiddos made it through the first week, even though it was only a half week.  The girls were a little stressed about their homework assignment on the first day, which was a one page informal essay about “what you think it means to be an American.”  Well, there was much discussion about the subject and they finally finished their essays, but if I had known on Wednesday what I heard about on Thursday, (late in the game, I know, but whatev.) I could have told them they should write, “Being an American means being forced to sit by helplessly and seethe with rage as we watch while our misguided and clueless leaders who have no love or respect for this country despite their pretty lies and flowery speeches, honor and grovel to people who attacked and killed thousands of our citizens by building a place for them to worship right next to the scene of their atrocity, where some of them will undoubtedly thank their god for the victory.”   Right.  When is the next election again??

Until next time,

D.

Update:  Ok, I’ve done some thinking and reading about the above (so-called Ground Zero mosque, and I have some further remarks about it that I don’t have time to make now, but that will not be rooted in hatred, intolerance, bigotry or ignorance.  Stay tuned.)

 

Home, Sweet Home! July 15, 2010

Hello all!  Sorry for the extended absence.  I was on a road trip!  Yes, me, the one who is forever whining about never getting to go anywhere or do anything or have any fun whatsoever.  Ok, maybe I’m not that bad, but… no, wait.  I am that bad.  I’m working on it, ok?  Sheesh!

So anyway, my parents took my kids, myself, and my sister’s daughter on a road trip to Branson, MO this weekend.  No, they’re not crazy; there was a reason– they were trying to get out of their timeshare condo, but they were told the only way was to come out there and stay a couple of days and listen to some sales pitch or something and then the company would consider buying it back.  Wee-ll, turns out they were lied to and they didn’t actually have to go through all that, but the condo people wouldn’t buy it back anyway. 

Anyhoo, Mom booked some rooms down there, got some vouchers for shows and attractions, and planned it all out:  Grandkid time!  Quality time with the crumb-crunchers!  Road trip!  I was invited from the beginning, but it took me a while to decide I could stand to go with them.  Not because the children outnumbered the grown people, but because Branson, in all its hillbilly glory, was where I went on my honeymoon after my much-talked-about-and-whined-about-in-this-blog, ill-considered, ill-fated wedding! 

Yeah, imagine that.  Going back alone (sort of) to the place you honeymooned at with so much hope a mere, pitiful, three years earlier.  Continually thinking for three whole days, “The last time I was here was with ______.” “We went there.”  “We stayed there.”  “We got souveniers there.” “The last time my feet touched this museum floor, his were right behind me.”

Imagine doing that, and imagine knowing that it was a mistake from the beginning and everyone tried to tell you that you were nuts, but you wouldn’t listen and plowed resolutely ahead and married the guy.  And now here you are, metaphorically dancing in a salt-water shower after a quick run through a football field-sized bramble patch, revisiting the scene of the brief best parts of your huge mistake.  And you have to TRY to hide your misery because you are accompanied by your parents and your kids, and they are all trying to pretend they are oblivious to the fact that you are in pain, because they knew this would be hard for you, but there’s no point in talking about it. 

Well, I did decide to go, and I did decide I could stand it, and that I needed to go and make new memories with my children, my family.  (Special thanks to DM, the wife of one of my bosses, who pointed out to me that very thing, and was instrumental in my decision to suck it up and go.)  And that was my weekend in a nutshell. 

That being said, however, we did have a lot of fun, and the kids mostly enjoyed themselves.  They were all very excited and looking forward to the trip.  I’ll detail the weekend in the next entry, but for now I’m just glad to be home, and thankful I had my two favorite teenage boys to feed my cats and dogs while we were gone. (Think they might have forgotten the water, but anyway…)

And it has nothing to do with being back at home, but since I’ve been all “bite the bullet and do hard-ish stuff” I’ve even decided that tomorrow when I go to work I’m going to try to talk to “Co-worker Formerly Known as Obnoxious” because we still haven’t been speaking at work!  She speaks to me if it has to do with a customer and if it is absolutely unavoidable, but that’s it.  And I’ve decided I’m tired of it and it’s too exhausting and ridiculous.  Straight up, I’ll just admit right now I have no plans to apologize, and I admit that’s … shall we say, less than adult.  But I know without a doubt, here’s how it’s going to go down:  I’ll come bouncing in tomorrow morning, pleasantly and all friendly-like say, “Good Morning!  How’s everything today?!” and she will turn a deaf ear and pretend I’m invisible, just like she did the other day when I was approximately three feet from the door as she was coming back from lunch and she shut it behind her! 

Oh well.  This too shall pass, what doesn’t kill us, and so forth and so on, yippity skippity, blah, blah blah.

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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