Some Done Deals, and the Peace They Bring! May 3, 2013

Thinking (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)

Hello all!  You know what just irks me?  Feeling the need and desire to write, but not knowing what to say.  That happens to me very frequently.  I’ll be just… in that mood.  If you consider yourself a writer at all, even an amateur, you know the one.  For me it’s that I just feel like writing, like I just need to write, RIGHT NOW.  Forget the fact that I may or may not have anything particularly significant to talk about, as long as I’m getting the chatter that’s in my head relocated to the paper or the screen.  It probably doesn’t help that I don’t craft posts ahead of time and save them in organized draft folders for posting at a later, more appropriate time, as some of the bloggers I’ve read apparently do.  I post when I have something on my mind AND I have time to devote to it.  This is probably the reason I often have ideas for posts that never get written.  Things pop into my head, and I’ll think, “Man, that would be a good thing to blog about.  I should write that down.” But then I don’t, and by the time I have a good stretch of time to sit down and write, I’m all “What was that I wanted to write about, again?”  I should definitely work on that.

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Right now I’m all hyped up because after weeks of indecision and dithering, I am tickled to announce that I have booked my flights for my trip to Charleston!  Yay, me!  I am so excited about this.  I know I have gone back and forth, worried incessantly, and probably driven everyone I know stark raving mad, but now that it’s a done deal, I am so happy.  Part of me is still a little concerned about the whole ‘fitting in’ thing.  I feel like I’m older and at a different stage of life than a lot of these amazing bloggers I will be meeting.  Many of them are writing about their babies and nap schedules and nursing problems and sleeping through the night, and terrible twos and kindergarten schedules, and I’m thinking, ‘Boy, could I have been the queen of this world if they’d had this stuff when the girls were little!’  But alas, they didn’t.  So now I have twin girls who are almost 20 years old, and a boy who will be 12 on Monday, and sometimes I’m wondering what I have to offer.  I don’t really have too many Raising Twins cautionary tales or horror stories, unless it’s about what to do when one of your twins literally hates the other one, or when your son is almost universally looked upon as being either the next Jim Carrey/Robin Williams or a future school shooter, and which one he becomes is entirely dependent upon you and your parenting.  That’s a scary-as-heck place to be, I can promise you.

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Anyway, I do realize that there are bloggers of all ages, in all life stages, with all kinds of stories, who will be at this event, and I am so very much looking forward to the adventure and the journey of being a part of it.  I am a little torn between tempering my expectations so that if I don’t find at least one or two people who become fairly good friends I will not be terribly disappointed, and having faith that this is going to be the best, most amazing thing I have done thus far in life and it will result in some wonderful friendships.  I think I’m going to do with the latter, as that seems to have been the experience of many of those who have attended in previous years.  If nothing else, I am excited that it will be the first time I have just branched out on my own and done something for myself, by myself.  (Except for having someone drive me to and from the airport, which my mom has always been willing to do for me, thank goodness.)

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So, more about my son.  He started out in public school in our local district, but he has never really done well.  He has struggled both academically and socially.  We’ve had him tested at every turn, and he has some non-specified processing difficulties, as well as a diagnosis of ADHD.  He also seems to have some Asperger-y traits, but has never been diagnosed with that.  He was in 4th grade last year in public school, and we have been “homeschooling” this year.  I put that in quotes because while we started out with a very structured, organized system at the beginning of the school year through online public school, we pulled out of that after about six weeks, and have been taking a different approach since then.  We have just explored different things that he really loves, and I have tried to teach him some real-world skills that he will need in the future, but there has been very little structure or consistency.   I have really beaten myself up about this.  But he has grown so much, matured in a lot of ways, and I think more than anything, he has really benefitted from just being out from under pressure.  He has spent a lot of time with me, coming to work with me most days since I am blessed with a flexible job as a church secretary, and I think it has been what he needed.  Our lives for the several years leading up to this year have been marked by change, tragedy, and chaos, and I don’t think he handled it very well.

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Thankfully, I think that is largely behind us!  This week, I found an educational option that I think offers the best of both worlds- the self-pace and lower pressure of homeschooling with a little more of the structure and consistency found in the public school environment than I have been able to offer him while trying to work full time simultaneously.  It’s a small private Christian school here that is basically a group homeschool, but the beauty is that it’s NOT I who is responsible for the teaching and structure.  It’s a little pricey for what it is- they want $230 per month, and if I didn’t think it would be incredibly presumptuous, I’d ask friends and family for “sponsors.”  But I think it is do-able for me, whether I get help or not, so I am very happy and excited for both of us.  Honestly I will miss him coming to work with me, but this will be so much better for him- he will get the education he needs in an environment that fits him.

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I could go on and on about this, but this post is already longer than usual.  I’ll just say that for now- I am happy, the stars are aligned, and everything’s coming up roses, and I won’t even make a remark about ducking under my desk to avoid the Other Shoe Dropping.  Oops.  Scratch that.

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Until next time,

D.

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A Year In the Same Place October 31, 2012

Hello all. 

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Well, it’s Halloween again, and between the Frankenstorm on the East Coast and the upcoming presidential elections, things are pretty scary around here.  One thing that’s not scary, but amazing, is the fact that today marks the one-year anniversary of my employment with The Gospel of Christ TV/Radio/Internet ministry.  I have been the secretary/office manager here for one year today.  It’s incredible how time flies.  When I started last year, I was looking forward to the girls’ big 18th birthday, dreading their high school graduation, and obsessively anticipating our graduation cruise.

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Now all of those are behind us.  Daughter S. is taking college courses and trying to get a job, Daughter J. is helping out around the house and trying to decide what she wants to do next, and The Boy has been having Adventures in Homeschooling.  Meanwhile, I’ve been More Or Less Maintaining my weight loss for over half a year now, and trying to figure out what’s next.   Employment-wise speaking, I don’t have any plans to change anything in the near future.  I’m pretty happy where I am.  My hours are super flexible, the environment is great, and the pay is decent.   I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I were making more money, but hey, almost everybody does, right?  And where else could I work full-time and home school at the same time?

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There are probably other things I should be looking into, as far as personal fulfillment things.  I need a life.  I need hobbies.  I mean, hobbies other than Facebook and re-reading Harry Potter and Twilight books a million times.  I’ve thought about things like dance lessons, martial arts, Little Theater, etc.  I’ve thought about focusing more on my writing and blogging, really trying to grow that.  Sometimes I even think about going back to school and getting a Master’s degree in … something.  School counseling, maybe.  I need friends.  I mean real-life friends that I actually go out and do things with, or have over for dinner sometimes.

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Unfortunately, though, I never get much further than thoughts.  I never actually move into the realm of action, which if you remember, is totally counter to my goals from last year; specifically, to BE a person of action!  I guess I still need to work on that.  I keep talking about wanting to find a relationship, but according to The Blond Oprah (See Meet the Cast), I need to figure out some things about myself.  “Settle into a sense of being comfortable with myself and who I am.”  To which I basically respond, “Huh?”  She says that in order to attract the type of person I want to attract (someone whole and complete in themselves and, in plain language, mentally stable!) I have some work to do.  In other words, I’m not really in a place where I should be in a relationship, no matter how much I might think about it.  Bugger.  I guess the challenge lies in figuring out specifically WTH she’s talking about.

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But anyway.  Today is a milestone.  Daughter S. and The Boy are downtown doing the Trick or Treat Main Street thing, Daughter J. is with a friend of hers, and I’m blogging when I should be working.  So… Happy Halloween to all!

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Until next time,

D.

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Dobby the House Elf, a Goat, a Gecko, and an AK-47 October 4, 2012

 

 

Hello all.  I know, it’s an odd assortment of items to be grouped together in a title, right?  Of course it is.  That title has been floating through my head almost every day for weeks.  And that would be because these items (in plastic miniature, obvs) have been on the shelves in my shower for that long.

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It’s curious, the things that show up in your life when you have a little boy in your house.  Little boys enjoy collecting things like bottle caps and making folded paper ninja stars and dragon claws.  They are all about guns and war, blood, guts, death and destruction.  At least mine is.  He learning all about WWII with the help of several books and videos his dear Grandma got him from the Bookmobile at the library.  He also wants to learn to speak Korean because we watch M*A*S*H on DVD all the time.  And he wants to learn Spanish so he can really get the most out of the Puss In Boots movie.

 

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In addition to the green plastic reptile that seems to have taken up permanent residence in the shower, The Boy also recently got a big kick out of the discovery of some real geckos- tiny little Mediterranean House Geckos that hang around the building where I work.  (He comes to work with me most days and does his homeschooling there.  We can get away with that because I work in a church building where I’m basically the only person there about 70% of the time.  It’s awesome.)  Anyway, we walked in the door one day, and one of those little guys was crawling along the floor in front of the shelf right inside the door.  He chased it and caught it, but after a few minutes and the loss of one stripe-y little gecko tail, I convinced him to let the poor thing go.  Not too long after that, he found another one in the shelf on the other side of the door, and we made it a nifty little house out of two styrofoam cups taped together.  The Boy brought the little guy home to show his sisters, and then he let that one go, too.  But in the meantime, we looked on the internet and found out all about him, where he came from, what he ate, and everything.  (That’s how we knew for sure what kind it was.)

 

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Anyway.  I guess I’m not really sure what kind of connection Dobby and the goat have in all of this, except that they just make for a funny list.  And it’s just funny what kinds of things end up in your shower when kids are around, and how when you’re doing self-directed learning homeschool, you have freedom undreamed of in a learn-by-rote, teach-to-the-test, NCLB public school classroom.  Freedom both exhilarating and terrifying.  But at least every day is an adventure.

 

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Until next time,

 

D.

 

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The Time Is Now. August 5, 2011

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all.  After posting my last two entries detailing the race in all its muddy glory, I am using my little bloggy world here to share another thing I am doing that is very much a leap of faith.  As all my real-world friends know, even though I work at a UPS Store, I’m actually a certified teacher.  A certified teacher who had a first year of teaching after graduation in December 2007 which was difficult in and of itself, but which culminated in a tornado, a fire, a job resignation and a marital separation, all within the space of two months.  Suffice to say, I was battle-scarred and very scared and unprepared to give teaching another try. 

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But I’m a different person now.  I’m different physically and I’m different mentally.  I have struggled financially and emotionally for the last two years with the aftermath of my first year of teaching, and I am ready to take a leap of faith.  The idea won’t get out of my head.  The desire to teach is there.  So even though I’m a little nervous and scared about this, (Ok, a LOT!) I am submitting an application and resume to Ardmore High School today.  They pushed the start of school back, in part because of the insane heat, but mostly because they are still desperately short on teachers!  One of the teachers there, with whom I did some of my observations in college, talked to my friend from work the other day, and begged and pleaded with her to tell me to apply, ASAP.  And so… before I go to work today, I am going to take my application to the admin office and drop it off.  And tell it to Go With God.  🙂

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I am trusting that whatever happens will be God’s will for me.  If that’s where He wants me to be, I’ll get it, and if it’s not, I won’t.  Obviously, I’ll put my best effort into it and everything, but I will trust in Greater Powers for the outcome.  Interviews are difficult for me- as I said on Facebook earlier today, I get all nervous and turn into a cross between Forest Gump and The Other Sister!!  So if I get an interview, pray for me to be calm, cool, and collected and to remember how to talk like a normal person!

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Thanks for your support!

Until next time,

D.

Regarding The Boy: From Ranting to Tearjerking in 700 Words September 9, 2010

Hello all.  I’ve been trying to come up with a good reason for why I haven’t been very prolific lately with the writing and blogging, etc.  I have no reason or excuse except that I am not sure I have anything particularly entertaining to talk about, not that I’ve ever let that stop me.  I’ve just been in a general slump lately about everything!  For example, I have needed to fold laundry for about…. oh, EVER.  And I’ve needed to sort through a ginormous box of pictures and find pics for the class reunion (that is coming up in only 8 days and to which I am very much looking forward, but with a significant degree of trepidation.) I need to find some way to get some work done out in the garage because my dear, sweet, insane mother is planning to use MY house for a garage sale!  And if time allows, after all that, I need to find some way for my son not to wind up in a mental institution, with me sharing a room, because he’s driven us both nuts.

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Frankly, I blame the entire American educational system.  I blame a system that wants kids to learn the difference between historical fiction and realistic fiction in the 3rd grade.  I blame a system that wants kids to “start thinking outside the box” when they’re NINE years old.  And, OH, how I blame a system that measures a kid’s success and potential by their score on a standardized test! 

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Right now I just want to blame everything.  The kids were just on the phone with their Other Biological Parent, which for no particular reason at all, puts me in a bad mood.  It shouldn’t put me in a bad mood for them to speak on the phone to OBP.  I don’t know why it does, except that they think OBP is all things wonderful and fabulous and perfect-parent-like, when OBP gets to see them all of once every 4-6 months, and when that occurs, it’s for a maximum of three or four days, and their entire visit consists solely of him listening to their every word, playing video games with them, watching movies and doing whatever they want.  He doesn’t have to be the one to say, “No, you can’t go to your friend’s house,” “No, you can’t have sugar for breakfast,” “No, you can’t play that game right now, because you haven’t done your homework,” “No, you can’t play outside because you left the yard without permission last time.”  They never have to hear him ranting, raving, or otherwise requiring of them horrible MOM things like, “Bedtime, go brush your teeth, clean your room, do your chores, finish your homework, eat this healthy food, put on clean clothes, turn off the tv, turn down your earphones, get up, get dressed, hurry, let’s go, we’re late, you can’t wear that, clean up this mess…”  They see him with a freaking halo and wings, and it drives me up the wall. 

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So anyway.  I am under tremendous stress because I feel like my son is having all the joy of life and learning sucked out of him by an effed up educational system and I feel powerless to change it.  I cannot afford to send him to any other type of school, even if there were a superfluity of options here in Southern Oklahoma, which there are NOT.  He’s only in the 3rd grade.  We have 9. More. Years. of. School, God help us.  I cannot imagine how he will be in high school if he is this difficult now.  He is cranky, irritable, frustratrated and unhappy, and that’s on a better day.  On a bad day, he is literally unmanageable because absolutely nothing satisfies him and he has ZERO patience for anything and I don’t have much more than that!

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But sometimes.  Oh, sometimes!  He can be so incredibly sweet and amazing.  Like the other night when we were on our way home from my parents’ house and he was leaning his head over against the car window and looking up at the stars.  He mentioned it was a very starry night and when I agreed, he said, “Stars fill me with joy.”  Or when he says he loves me, and it just doesn’t seem like enough for him to say it once.  He has to say it every five minutes for an hour.  Sometimes he says, “I just love you so much it breaks my heart.” 

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Guess what, kid?  It breaks mine too.

Until next time,

D.