The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Happy Domino Day! July 30, 2014

I picked these as representative of this post because they’re pretty and they have yellow dots.

Hello all.  So I have something to share and talk about that I haven’t mentioned too much lately in light of other obsessions, but I really need all the motivation I can get on this, so I’m going to talk openly and honestly about it, and just throw it all out there.  Regular readers know I started this blog right about the time I started attending Weight Watchers meetings, right? Well, I did.  My first post here was January 21, 2010, which was two days after my first WW meeting.  Since that time, I have attended meetings consistently until the last year, when I started missing almost as many meetings as I attended.

*

The weight swing was as follows:  from January 19, 2010 to June 10, 2012 I lost 129 lbs.  Yep, you read that right.  June 2012 was the once in a lifetime cruise I took my children on all by myself, and it was also my baby sister’s wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid, and it was ALSO the graduation of my one and only class of English students, whom I (only marginally successfully) taught when I was 129 pounds heavier and they were freshmen, and most of them hadn’t seen me since the end of that year.  So AFTER that…. I apparently just sort of mentally gave up.  Maybe not all at once.  Clearly not all at once.  I kept going to meetings, kept occasionally exercising, kept half-heartedly tracking my points.  But not at all with any kind of consistency, efficiency, or determination…

*

…which has brought me to where I am today.  I have gradually at first, and then more rapidly, gained weight back until I am now at a net loss since January 19, 2010, of only 56 lbs.  My gain of two pounds this week put me at my heaviest weight in four years.  Up until now I have just sort of smiled and nodded at this progression, just shrugged and let it slide and figured I’d get it together at some point.  Well, that point has arrived.  I am blogging about this because I want people to know I am serious.  I have probably posted a half-dozen “I’m starting over” posts in the last two years, but this one is officially IT.

*

I could probably go into a whole series of posts and thoughts about why we eat the way we do, why we eat for emotions’ sake, why we don’t exercise, why we make excuses when it comes to grocery shopping (that last is a real sore point with me.  It feels like an unavoidable fact that healthier food = a higher total at the cash register, which is so aggravating!) BUT for now I don’t think that falls within the scope of my purpose.  My point is at some moment you just have to choose to confront the issues and start fighting to fix them.

*

I posted a meme on Fb today that said “You cannot fix what you choose not to confront.”  Or something like that, but it really stepped on my toes.  When it comes to the topic of health and weight loss and fitness, I always just sigh and talk about Oh, yes, it’s such a battle, it’s so hard, it’s such a struggle, I’m so tired of fighting it, who cares, what does it really matter, I have people who love me as I am, etc.  But you know what??  Seriously.  Do you know what? Those are all truths.  It is true that it’s hard, that it’s a struggle and a battle and that I’m tired of fighting it and that I have people who love me exactly as I am no matter what.  BUT… it is a battle and a struggle that is worth continuing to fight, tired or not.  The only victories in life, and I mean the ONLY big victories that have ever been won in the world, have come when the person or persons fighting refused to give up.  Think about it.  Wars, battles, political issues, sports contests, personal victories over demons of all kinds…have only been won when the persons fighting them FLATLY REFUSED TO GIVE UP!  Yes, I know that’s a lot of caps.  Sorry.  Don’t mean to yell and rant and rave, but the thing is, nothing is ever gained by sitting down and refusing to keep trying.  That’s why the poem “Footprints in the sand” is famous, but nobody has ever shared a poem about “Butt prints in the sand,” right??

*

So today is the day.  I’m getting back on track, I’m going to start making healthy choices every day.  Domino effect.  Our WW leader used to do this “object lesson” in which she gave us all a domino and reminded us that all it takes to stop a falling train of dominoes is a little pressure in the opposite direction.  Just a little support behind one domino anywhere in the chain, to stop it from falling, and the cycle ends.  So that’s it.  It’s Domino Day.  I’m starting over for the last time.  And I’m never, ever, EVER giving up.

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Heartbreaking Beauty and the Chubbly Duckling October 12, 2011

Beauty is forever.

Image via Wikipedia

(Originally written last night- 10/11/11- 7:30 pm)

Hello all.  Right now I feel like going on a crying jag without the alcohol.  I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.  Everything in my world feels heartbreaking today.  Or more accurately, I feel everything with a heartbreaking intensity.  I received the proofs for my twin daughters’ senior pictures.  I had to force myself not to cry.  They are heartbreakingly beautiful.  I need a new job and desperately want out of my current one.  I feel like an animal caught in a trap there, like I’d gnaw my own arm off to escape.  It’s not a bad job.  I like what I do.  I’m good at it.  I like my boss.  Except for the fact that I’ve been there nine years and the others have been there five, four, and three years, and we all make the same pay rate!  And there is no employee discipline.  And my previously mentioned (repeatedly) co-worker is still the most unpleasant part of my entire life at this point. 

*

And finally (and this is going to sound weird) I am stunned at the beauty of the girls I exercise with.  I see these women at 5:30 a.m.  No makeup, sweaty faces, funky racer-back workout clothes with miniscule amounts of back fat hanging out of them, and I still think they’re all beautiful.  Then they come in where I work, in their office clothes, hair done, makeup and all, and I am blown away again by the beauty of these women.  I don’t just mean they’re pretty, which they are, but there’s this incredible inner beauty in them that just slaps you in the face whenever you are in their presence.  My middle sister is one of them.  She is the fittest person I know, and so heartbreakingly beautiful. (There’s that word again.)  I just feel so honored to be a part of their group, so blessed to have found this place to work out, where they have accepted me, the chubbly duckling, and embraced and inspired me.  They remind me, without words, why I am doing this.

*

I wrote the above at my mother’s house last night, using, as I often have, that physical act of putting words on paper to purge the emotions I was feeling.  Between the photographic evidence of the relentless marching of time that has turned my precious baby girls into beautiful women, and my relatively new association with the amazing women I exercise with, and the conflict of desperately wanting to escape my job, while knowing that a) I am very much needed there, and b) starting over after a long involvement in anything is really difficult and scary and pretty much sucks, I was emotionally overwhelmed. 

*

But as part of that re-committing I was talking about previously, I am definitely moving on from those feelings today, trying to see as much in myself as I see in others, and maybe working on defining some goals and dreams that will take me out of my current job situation and on to greater things. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Simply Recommitting October 10, 2011

Hello all.  You know, sometimes, when I’m going through my day thinking, “I REALLY need to write a blog entry, I really need to update, etc.” I’ll sit down and try to write an entry and nothing really comes.  Often, I will just keep writing, rambling, ranting, and I’ll post the result, whether it’s good or bad, like that’s a cure for writer’s block, but it doesn’t mean that what I wrote has any quality to it.  That post may not necessarily be my true voice.  There’s something wrong with that.  There’s something wrong with a lot of things, and I am in the mood to change that.

*

I went to a revival-type church service tonight that was sponsored by my sister’s church.  I had never heard of the speaker, a man named Ken Freeman.  My sister attends a Baptist church, but I got the feeling this man was inter-denominational in his preaching career, meaning he didn’t just go to one type of church.  His message was about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘great,’ and how we have to let go of certain things in order to fully accept God’s grace and blessings.  I realized there were a lot of things I have been holding on to, and I need to let go and re-commit.  I need to re-commit, not just in my spiritual life, but in everything- my job, my parenting, my health and fitness, and even my writing here. 

*

So that’s what I’m doing.  Starting tonight, I am re-committing my life.  I am going to re-dedicate myself to my weight loss, my writing, my parenting, and most of all to a life that is dominated by Love.  Love for God, and love for my fellow human.  I need to work on showing Jesus to others through my life.  I’ve been in an ongoing cold war with a co-worker for weeks now, and I’ve made weak, pitiful attempts to pretend I was reaching out to her, to delude myself into thinking I was the bigger person by praying for her, but in reality I wasn’t willing to let go and truly acknowledge that I haven’t always been the Christian I am supposed to be.  I gave it lip-service, but I wasn’t willing to completely let down the barriers.  I’m still not.  I know I can’t trust her to be real and honest.  She is an excellent actor and faker- I’ve seen it.  My point is that I can’t worry about that.  I have to just say ‘You know what?  I’m recommitting to living for Jesus, and because I am, I choose to love you.  You can think what you want about me, you can like me or hate me, but I choose to love you in Jesus’ name, whether I can trust you or not.’  And really mean it, because I didn’t before.  I wanted to mean it, but the selfish, immature part of me said ‘Why do you have to mean it?  It doesn’t make any difference.  She’s not accepting your overtures, your gestures, your attempts.  What difference does it make if you really mean it?’  But I know now that I have to forgive all that, I have to forgive what she’s done to me, the hurt she has caused me, and I have to love her in Christ, and I cannot allow myself to add anything else to that sentence.  My judgement of her is irrelevant. 

*

In addition to this, I have to be brave enough to re-commit to my health and fitness efforts.  I have done well.  I can say that.  I have lost almost one hundred and twenty pounds in almost 2 years.  But I have not been fully committed.  I have chosen to take easier roads- skip workouts, eat junk food.  I signed up for another 5k mud run as a volunteer, knowing I would be allowed to participate in the race for free as a volunteer, but thinking I wasn’t obligated to do the race if I chose not to.  That wasn’t committment, that was fear.  I completed the first one, the Dirty 30, back in July.  I did it on adrenaline, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what kinds of obstacles I’d face, but determined to tackle them no matter what.  In this next race, I know what kinds of things I might see, and I feared them.  I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to put that much effort out again, but now- I know I need to re-commit.  I need to grasp the fact that I have the strength to finish that race, complete the obstacles (or go around them if I have to) and finish.  I can’t be afraid that I might twist an ankle or a knee- I just have to take the steps. 

*

I realize this entry has had a serious tone.  I usually like to try to be funny here, and I hope I succeed at that sometimes.  But tonight was a night for seriousness.  I had a talk with my kids on the way home from the revival tonight, because I have been really concerned for them in their spiritual lives, because they have not yet obeyed the gospel and been baptized.  Despite what some people may say or believe, I truly believe what I have been taught, that baptism is the point at which we are saved, and I want my children to be baptized and commit to living their lives for God.  I believe it is on their heart to do it, but they just haven’t taken the step.  I am praying that they make that decision soon, but at least I took the opportunity to share with them what I want for them- the peace that comes with knowing they are saved. 

*

I’m not saying I have it all figured out, or that there aren’t sometimes brief moments when I question everything I’ve ever heard and wonder if maybe, possibly, it could all be crap.  But when it comes down to it, I’d rather just believe what I believe than buy into “something from nothing, for no reason, with no purpose, and nothing after, and nothing matters.”  It’s just not enough.

*

And in the middle of all this recommitting, loving, being brave, and trying to bring my kids to heaven with me, I am going to embrace all I can possibly accomplish in this life that is fun and joyful and meaningful.  To that end, I can announce that my daughters’ senior trip in May is a done deal!  I booked the airfare today, so Lord willing, we’re definitely going!  We’re going to be Royal Carribean cruising fools!  Wooo hooooo!  Allure of the Seas, here we come!

Until next time,

D.

 

…I Just Want You to Know Who I Am April 30, 2011

It's a Great Feeling

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all.  Please do not adjust your monitors- you haven’t slipped back in time.  You’re actually reading a new post.  I’m writing again for the first time in a while, and I’m feeling really introspective and deep at the moment, and I’m feeling like I have a lot to say tonight, and I’m praying that it all comes out the way I want it to. 

*

I owe this new entry to a surprise comment from an old friend I ran into today.  We were talking about our kids, and what they were going to do after high school, and Daughter S., who was with me, told my friend she wants to go to the Dallas Art Institute.  My friend asked me if I was artsy in high school, and I said no, that was my cousin, and that I was more creative with words.  She asked me why I didn’t “do something with that.”  I told her I used to blog online, and she said, “Yeah, I know.  I used to read it all the time, and then you quit doing it.”  That comment shocked me.  I knew there were a faithful few who seemed to enjoy reading me here, but I had no idea who else might have been going along for the ride. (This is why you totally need to be commenting, here, folks!  I need feedback.  I’m no longer too proud to beg!)  So I started thinking about all the writing I’ve done here and all the people who’ve read it and been able to relate, connect, and hopefully have a laugh.  I realized how much I’ve missed writing.  Blogging, sharing, ranting, attempting to entertain and perhaps inspire.  So I’m back in the saddle again, to quote an old cowboy ditty. 

*

I was driving home tonight from my kids’ Campfire campout.  The car was quiet.  I had the radio off, for once.  The Boy was snoring in the backseat.  I was contemplating.  You know, things like the Universe and the meaning of life.  No, not really.  Actually, I was thinking about how it’s neat when you’re driving at night through areas with a lot of lights all around, and you let your eyes relax and blur a little, and it all becomes this loopy chaos of sensation, in which, if you let yourself stay long enough, you can start to feel just a little bit high. 

*

Also, I was thinking about the subtitle of my blog:  One Woman’s Journey to Becoming Her True Self.  One Woman.  Wo-man.  Whoa, man!  I’m a woman.  When did that happen?  Chronologically there’s no question, I mean I’m ever so lightly pushing 40.  In the timeline of the universe, I’m definitely an adult.  Have been for a while.  But does anyone else ever share that feeling where you’re still just the same person you were in high school, but now people call you Mom, and driving doesn’t scare you, and you have a house that it’s your job to take care of, and you go to work and pay bills, but other than that, you haven’t changed much?  Just me, huh?  Or maybe not.  Maybe some of you felt that way too, you just didn’t know you did until I pointed it out.

*

Also the word ‘journey.’  My journey seems to have kicked into high gear lately.  I mentioned on New Year’s Day that I wanted to make this year a year of Action.  Remember last year, I was all about Transformation?  How I wanted to change myself and my life into something I could be proud of, and how this year I wanted to learn how to bring more motion and action into my life, not just physically, but in a lot of other ways too?  Well recently I’ve found myself in what once would have been the oddest of places for me- a gym.  A fitness center.  A place where most people could fit their entire bodies into one leg of my jeans.  It wasn’t an overnight thing, of course.  I was drawn into it veeeery slowly.  My beautiful sister, the fitness fanatic, the exercise queen, had been going there for years. Never nagging, never bragging, never trying to push anyone to do as she did, but always encouraging, supporting, and gently leaving the door open for others to follow her example, eventually becoming certified to instruct the classes she’d been taking for ages.  She participated in a fitness challenge this year, as she has in other years, that piqued my attention and interest mostly because of how much more weight she lost when I thought she had no more to lose, and also because of how much participating helped her husband, who lost his mother right before the challenge started, and who found new salvation and purpose and strength both literal and emotional in his discovery of the joy of fitness.  That was powerful to witness, trust me.

*

So I started thinking.  Like I said, Verrrry slowly.  Reluctantly.  I was still trying to do Weight Watchers, but I was really struggling, ever since the holidays.  I was yo-yo-ing up and down, mostly flatlined, but not really trying very hard.  Then they added a new class to the lineup, called PiYo, a combination of Pilates and yoga moves- core strengthening, stretching, balance, etc.  I tried it out, because it was zero impact, and because it was new to everybody so maybe I could keep up, and because my sister was the instructor.  I really enjoyed it, and I kept going to every class.  It was only once a week, so it didn’t create a big sucking drain on my time or energy, and there was plenty of time to recover between Friday mornings at 9am.  And I kept going.  And from the beginning, when I could barely hold myself up, I gradually began to notice it getting easier.  I suddenly realized I was doing some moves I couldn’t do when I started.  Wait, what?  I can do a tricep dip with knee pull?  I can do windshield wiper knees?  I can do a SIDE PLANK!?  Wow, this is only from going one day a week!  What if I started going more often?  What if I went to the turbo class?  No, I can’t do turbo.  That’s fast.  That’s high impact.  That’s 5:freakin-45 in the A.M.!  I gotta sleep sometime.  But… what if I tried it?  What if I did it, and it made a huge difference in my weight loss efforts?  What if I started to feel like maybe I could someday make it to goal weight and actually be a small person, and maybe even be… an athlete?

*

Let’s flash back here for a minute.  I started this journey with over two hundred pounds to lose.  That’s right,  2.  Hundred.  I couldn’t walk through my house without feeling like my breathing increased.  I couldn’t jog.  I couldn’t cross my legs.  Hell, I could barely wipe my own butt.  You think that’s not embarrassing to admit?  Brutal honesty here, folks.  Stick with me though, here’s where it gets interesting. 

*

This past week at Weight Watchers, I hit 99 lbs. lost since January 2010.  On Monday, I also paid my monthly fee to attend unlimited classes at the gym.  I went to turbo class.  Not once.  Three times in a week.  And one or two times the week before that.  I haven’t missed a regular PiYo class since they started.  People started commenting and noticing my weight loss again.  Not just people who see me once every six months- people who see me at least once a week.  I got revitalized in my weight loss efforts, tracking regularly again, being more controlled and careful about what I ate.  This week at Weight Watchers, I will probably get a gold medal, my most trivial of many rewards for losing 100 lbs. 

*

In other words, I was wrong.  I have changed.  I’m older, but I’m not the same. Everything changed.  Everything changed because I got serious about ACTION.  Motion.  Movement.  A friend of mine posted a picture of herself AND her fitness trainer both wearing the denim shorts she was wearing when she started her journey.  It’s amazing to look at that picture.  Inspiring isn’t a strong enough word. 

*

The thing is, I’m not where I want to be.  Not even close.  I still have over 100 lbs. to lose.  I want to be toned.  I want to have muscles and strength and stamina.  But I can do things I couldn’t do a few months ago.  The most mind-blowing part to me is my clothing size.  I ordered some stuff online the other day, and there weren’t any X’s involved.  No 1x, 2x, 3x.  Just an L.  You can’t know how weird that is for me. 

*

I guess if there’s a point, it’s that my journey continues.  My efforts to “become my true self” are ongoing.  There are areas I’m still exploring, like my career, and what kind of person I want to be when I find the person I want to be with.  But I’m still here.  Still fighting.  Still being formed along with the fundamental parts of me that are changing as I learn to let myself become who I wanted to be all along.  And that’s about the best anyone can do, right? 

Until next time,

D.

And I don’t want the world to see me

Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.

When everything’s made to be broken,

I just want you to know who I am.

 

The Times, They Are A-Changin’! (And So Am I!) February 25, 2011

Filed under: Steps in the Journey,Sweatin' It Out! — DDKlingonGirl @ 10:38 am
Tags: , , , , , ,
colourful sunset. knysna, south africa. slight...

Hello all.  I did something big this week.  I could tell you the backstory of how I’ve said many times that I do not enjoy moving.  Not packing all my belongings in boxes and trucking them across country.  Exercising.  I have never been a mover and a shaker.  I would rather be lying down reading a book or kicked back in a reclining chair with a computer on my lap than almost anything else in the world.  I have been obese almost all my life, but I have a sister who is now a certified fitness instructor!  She goes to a local gym and does “Turbo” at 5:45 three mornings a week, which I have always maintained is not a sane or normal thing to do, and at 9:00 three other mornings a week.  In addition to that, she attends or teaches “Hip Hop Hustle” at least twice a week and is about to start a PiYo class as well.  She also practices the routines at home, AND she does strength training.  She also works about 50 hours a week and has a young daughter.  To say this woman has a full life is an UNDERSTATEMENT! 

*

Anyway, in the first blog I ever posted here, I said I probably would never become the sort of person who gets up and goes to an exercise class at 5-something in the morning.  Well guess what?  This week- I did it.  I had had a big disappointment at Weight Watchers, and watched a dear friend get her goal weight award that same day, and I just decided that if I was ever going to get out of the rut I’ve been in for the last two months with WW, that I would have to get MOVING!  

*
So I didn’t even get to bed until midnight the night before.  I was still flip-flopping back and forth, literally and figuratively, as I lay in bed and tossed and turned and tried to talk myself into and out of getting up and going to my sister’s class.  Finally, after midnight, I just rolled over and set my alarm for 5 a.m. and said to myself, ‘The heck with it.  If I don’t do this now, I never will.  Besides, the first class is free.’  And the next morning, I got up when the alarm went off, pulled on my leggings and oversize t-shirt (No skinny tanks or sports bras for this wanna-be athlete, not yet, anyway!)  and my poor, worn-out Sketchers Shapeups. I grabbed a big water bottle, my keys, phone, and purse, and hit the road.  Still dark, hardly anybody on the road, early morning chill, quiet world.  It was nice.  I got to the gym and it didn’t look like there was anyone there yet, so I sat in the car and texted my sister to surprise her that I was there.  She said she’d be there soon, so I waited a while longer.

*

It’s actually kind of funny- there’s this weird fitness sub-culture in my town.  Every morning, hordes of tiny little people are seen jogging around town at ungodly hours of the morning, clutching their water bottles and trying to look like they’re enjoying it.  (Maybe they are, but I can’t imagine!)  So as I was sitting there in my car in front of the gym on downtown Main street, I kept seeing little groups of joggers go by in my rearview mirror.  Finally, my friend who got her goal weight award this week showed up for the 5:40 Turbo class as usual.  (Hmm, could the two be related?)  Now that I knew someone there, I got out of the car and went in with her.

*

The class was not as hard as I was afraid it would be, but I still couldn’t keep up with half the choreography.  And the whole ‘sticking both feet way out behind you and then doing a huge jumping jack up in the air’ thing?  Oh, heck to the NO!  Not a snowball’s chance I was going to pull that one off yet.  But still, it wasn’t bad; I kept up and kept moving through the whole class, which I was SUPER proud of, and left the gym feeling rubber-legged, but accomplished! 

*

So today I kind of felt the urge to get up and do it again- I even set my alarm again.  (I know, I’m wondering if the Mind-Snatching aliens left a forwarding address, too.)  But my bed was snuggy and warm and I couldn’t make myself get up and go.  But Sister Fitness had given me a couple of Turbo dvds a while back, so I told myself that as soon as I took the kids to school, I’d come home and do one of those.  I even had the kids show me how to work the stupid PS3 that serves as our dvd player.  Unfortunately, that instruction didn’t stick, and I got about 5 minutes into the workout before I got frustrated that I couldn’t keep up with the damn choreography, and then I would have gone ahead and finished it, but I couldn’t figure out how to work the game controller enough to get the video back to where it was, so with a little foul-mouth-edness, I just turned it off and decided to get on the treadmill instead! 

*

I walked for about 27 minutes, and then I fixed myself a lovely scrambled omelette with green onion, minced garlic, cilantro, (which I am starting to fall in love with, btw.  It tastes like Spring!) mushrooms, tomatoes, and shredded cheese, with a whole grain English muffin and a cup of skim milk.  I lit a candle on my table, prayed, meditated, and focused on savoring and enjoying my food.  As I watched the candle flame dance, I started trying to formulate a poem about it, as well as a poetry-based blog entry describing the difference between my Tuesday and my today, but I haven’t perfected those yet, so…

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

Smart and surprising

Mostly Bright Ideas

Some of these thoughts may make sense. But don't count on it.

Mad Scientist.Crazy Mom

Welcome to my laboratory: five kids on a farm

A Clean Surface.

simplicity, organization, inspiration, minimalism, humor...and reality

Princess Nebraska

If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. If would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

She Likes Purple

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

musings of a madwoman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Glam-O-Mommy

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

happily ever me

a life in progress

Our Little Geekling

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

mighty maggie

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths

An Unexplored Wilderness

A writer's journey