The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

To D or Not To D April 6, 2016

Hello, all!

“Oh, to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!”

“That sounds to me like you’re daunted. Say it again like you’re UNDAUNTED!”

Another word for undaunted might be determined. I need determination right now in so many areas of my life. I need determination to work on my health and weight loss. I need determination in my theater pursuits, to not get depressed when I don’t get cast, and to help promote the theater and the arts. I need determination to do the best I can as a parent and to deal with and face any challenges with my kids that might come up. I need determination to re-train my brain and learn to love and appreciate myself.

So much determination! I don’t know at this point where it will come from, but I know I have to find it.

Today’s poem:

Daring and dauntless

reach for the brass ring.

Grasp the dream and live it

Determined.

Nothing stands

between me and greatness.

I am there.

 

DD

4/06/16

11:26pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

B Is For Bias, Bodies, and Boyfriends April 3, 2016

Hello, all!  Day 2 of the April challenges is here, so let’s get right into it. B is for Bias and Bodies. And Boyfriends, while we’re on the subject.

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I mentioned in my last post that I had auditioned for a show recently. Ardmore Little Theater is currently in rehearsals for “I Ought To Be In Pictures.” It is a play by Neil Simon with a cast of only three people: a man, a woman, and a late-teenage girl. Initially I went in thinking I didn’t really have a snowball’s chance of winning the adult female role. I really wanted to play the character because I felt like I really understood her. I had some concerns about some parts of the show, but overall I would have loved the chance to work through and around my issues and play the role.

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So I went in thinking I didn’t really have a chance, but at the time, I was thinking it was because there would be someone who was obviously better than I was, and they would get the part. Well, after the first night of auditions, I was kind of surprised. I had done what I thought was maybe my best audition ever and I thought Maybe I actually had a shot. The second night of auditions, when I discovered we were going to be reading the same scene again, I asked one of my friends if I should try to do it exactly the same as I had the night before or do it differently, and she said to do it differently. So as I watched everyone else read, I thought, “How can I be different from everyone else? How can I do it better than last night?” And I came up with the idea to take it in the opposite direction emotionally and take a completely different tone.  After the reading, I felt like it had been a good choice. Nobody else had gone that direction but me, at least not that I could remember. There was one lady who I felt was pretty good, but I felt like I showed more realistic emotion. Or something. I am not even sure now. I think I just generally thought I was better. BUT. She had one huge advantage. She was much thinner.

*

When it came to the guys, two of them were similar but seemed pretty good to me, and the third just seemed a little bland and emotionless. Not very realistic. And there again he was the thinnest of the three. So guess who got cast? The two thin people, which really should not have surprised me, and perhaps really didn’t, because at one point they were onstage together and I thought, “I’m looking at the cast of this show right now.”

*

Anyway. One of the things about theater is that the result of an audition is never truly in our hands. We might think we are the best choice, but it is all about the director’s vision and only he or she knows what that is. But in this case, I felt like the primary deciding factor was appearances. That may or not have been entirely the case, but that was how I took it. How I felt. And it did something to me. Well, several things, but mostly it reminded me of the fact of appearance bias in theater and every other field and facet of the world. No one is immune to it.

*

But on this occasion, the reminder of that bias was almost crushing. I felt very angry that day. I thought I could see very clearly that large people are only allowed to be characters in a few specific situations: they are poor, they are Southern, they are stupid, or they are morally deficient. I tried to think, all day when I was at work after the cast was posted, of specific examples both from our local theater and from professional theater and in TV and movies, that supported my theory:  extra large actors and the roles they play.

*

The problem is that theater is the very definition of unreality. See, in the real world, fat and unattractive people get married, have sex, and get divorced. In the world of theatre, nobody wants to see that up on stage, larger than life in spotlights in a play about love and sex. It is not fair but it is reality. No sense whining about it when it’s what we sign up for.

*

Anyway, the long and short of it was that it made me reconsider the possibility of ever playing a big role, or one I really wanted. I thought I didn’t want to do it if I was up against that bias. I thought I didn’t even want to play roles I might be perfect for, if I had to play them at the size I am now. I started thinking about dislike for self and downright self-hatred and how it spills over onto others and I wondered where my compassion went. (I also realized it is getting harder for me to look people in the eyes at work, but I am not sure there is a connection there.)

*

So. It was a rough couple of days. I identified a part I want in one of the shows for next season, but immediately began wondering if I were good enough. And then I wanted to back out because I want to play the part but I don’t want to play her at this size. And then I thought, well why not? If someone’s going to play her, it might as well be me.

*

This entry is getting too long, but I wanted to throw in the topic of boyfriends and how it seems like I always want one, but the only guys I have loved, liked, seriously crushed on, or considered crushing on, have all had significant mental issues, by which I mean depression or bipolar or some variation on that theme. I wonder whether I am drawn to these people or I draw them to me. My counselor the other day said something I have known for years, but because of the current climate of my emotions toward myself and my size and all, it was quite depressing to be reminded of:  you have to love yourself before you can get anyone else to love you. And in the mental headspace I am in right now, all I could think was “Boy, am I screwed!”

Without further ado, today’s B Poem:

Bodies

beautiful or not,

Seen through our own eyes.

what is

or what isn’t

rejoice or cry,

but  always judge.

Always criticize.

Bodies

float

or waltz

or waddle

across a stage

or a screen

and into our imagination

catalogued

by categories of value

based on appearances

Bias is like air

it surrounds and touches,

it is inside and outside

and no matter

what the inside says…

the outside makes the decisions

for all of us

DD

4/3/16

2:04am

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

A is for Actors April 1, 2016

Hello, all!

Welcome to April, where blogging-wise I am in over my head.

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One of my Facebook friends posted about NaPoWriMo and a few others talked about the Blogging A-Z challenge, and I thought I would be the classic Overachiever and combine them. So I am going to try to blog every day in April except Sundays, AND write a poem, AND stick to a theme that follows the alphabet. Heaven help me.

*

So, Day 1.  A is for actors.

Tonight I went to a local high school and watched their performance of The Sound of Music. A couple of my theater friends went with me and it was a nice evening.

*

I mainly went for the sake of one kiddo- he was one of my actors when I stage-managed Grease in 2014 and I have watched him in his HS production of it as well. He played the character of Max tonight, and I thought he was wonderful, a joy to watch every time he is onstage. I can’t wait to see what his future holds.

*

I wanted to talk about the theater experience and how we learn and grow as actors and how we get better at every audition, hopefully. Recently I auditioned for our local theater’s production of “I Ought To Be In Pictures” and wasn’t cast. I was pretty down about it, but I realized I had given the best audition I had ever done, and it was obvious I am learning and getting better, so I was happy about that. Appearance Bias in theater is another A-word that has been on my mind lately, but that is another post.

*

So. In of  honor of my favorite Greaser, and myself, here is my first poem of the month, and it is also titled with an A-word.

Actor In Training

Actor in training,
Move across the stage.
Show us who you’re playing,
Their joy
Sorrow
Rage.

Actor in training
Move us with your song.
Tell another’s story
Make us sing along.

Actor in training
Give the boards your all.
The show goes on
The lights don’t dim
Until the curtain falls.

DD
4/1/16
9:26am

Until next time,

D

 

 

 

 

Standby… And Go! July 16, 2014

Filed under: Dreams and Passions — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:33 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Hello all.  So the Stage Manager gig is about to come to a head.  Tonight is our final full dress rehearsal, for a specially invited audience.  We have had several bumps on the journey to this destination.  We had to cancel one practice because too many people were absent.  We were about three lines into our first full dress rehearsal two nights ago when a car hitting an electric pole down the block put power out in the entire neighborhood.  We have had really rough scene changes, rough acting moments, and technical snafus, but finally we are here.  One more opportunity tonight to fix the bugs, and then we give seven performances over the next two weekends for a paying audience.

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Despite the difficulties, I’ve really enjoyed it.  I’ve learned so much about acting, staging a show, costume and makeup tricks, technical things, and how to relate to a variety of different people, different types of people.  I’ve learned that I love being the one with all the answers, or at least the one everyone looks to for answers, even when I don’t have them.  I’ve learned that I love encouraging and building people up, but that every once in a while I can be a ranting hag. Rarely.  I think mostly I’ve learned I really want to do this again, and someday when I’m ready, maybe direct a show.

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For the time being though, my interest is in returning to the stage to try acting again.  I really want to audition for the next production, but I also know my family needs my attention and my time.  It’s more important that I get reacquainted with my three children (ages 20, 20, and 13, all still at home) than that I satisfy my need for a social life and hobby outside the house.  I really want to be able to balance both.  Somehow other people do it, so I should be able to, also.

*

Looking forward to seeing how it all comes together tonight and hoping I can get through it without a heart attack or something.  Break a leg, guys!!

Until next time,

D.

 

Campfire Camp, The Next Jim Carrey, and a Penguin Huddle! April 30, 2010

Hello all.  I have no plan for this post, so it may go nowhere fast.  The one thing I wanted to share was something my hilariously funny Daughter S. said the other day.  We were in the grocery store, and the kids were already chilled because I had the AC up too high in the car or something.  We’re in produce.  I stop to try to decide what kind of apples to buy, and all three of the kids cluster around me in an effort to keep warm!  Daughter S. lays her head on my chest and says, in her best silly-happy voice, “Penguin huddle!”  I laughed, and she explained that penguins really do this.   So I grab the apples and start walking, and she follows after me, still all scrunched in on herself like she’s still in the huddle and walking like a penguin, and says, “Wait, WAIT!  Penguins can’t huddle that fast!”  I had to stop then, because I was doubled over laughing.

Last night we had a family counseling session with the kids’ counselor.  (I don’t have a cool nickname for her yet.  She and The Golden Goddess are sort of a team.)  Anyway.  Last time we met, one of The Boy’s assignments, to help satisfy his need for attention and release his desperate overstock of energy, was to put together a One-Man Show and perform it for us.  So we failed to get that done, and he was quick to inform Ms. K. that we “forgot the Jim Carrey thing.”  See, our counselors think he is so funny and so excellent at making goofy faces, that he is totally going to be the next Jim Carrey.  They tell him that all the time.  They even think he looks like Jim, but he’s not related.  I promise.  He’s just a really good mimic.  I am under strict orders to contact the local theater about summer acting classes so he’ll have An Outlet.  I will probably get beaten if I forget to do this.

I can’t think of anything Daughter J. has done recently that was funny.  She’s in that stage where all she seems to be able to do is mutter under her breath, glare, roll her eyes, slam doors, and stomp huffily from the room when someone makes the mistake of asking her a question.  It’s getting quite old, and I’m beginning to be concerned that she will never mature past it. 

Hopefully this weekend will be good, though!  Two out of three of my little Crumb Crunching Curtain Climbing House Apes will be out of the house almost all weekend!  Daughter J. and The Boy are going to Campfire camp!  My mother, the crazy, insane glutton-for-punishment Campfire leader, is going to be out at the group camp at Lake Murray with my kids and the rest, hiking, canoeing, arts-and-crafts-ing, and ‘WoHeLo-ing’ until her eyeballs fall out!  Daughter S. and I will be sitting at home, watching rented movies and enjoying the calm.  Mwahahahahahaha!

Until next time,

D. 

PS- As soon as possible, I will scan and post Daughter S.’s cartoon she drew the other day.  I laughed so hard I thought I’d wet myself.  She’s gifted, that’s all there is to it.

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

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