The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

I’ve Recently Been Inspired… August 6, 2013

Hello all.  If you’ve been reading here for quite a while, or if you know me in real life at all, you know I write a lot of things:  this blog, organizational and packing lists, dorky Facebook posts.  But you should also know that I write poems.  Or what I consider poems, anyway.  They may not fit some people’s definition.  But anyway.  I have posted a lot of my old stuff under the Poetry and Fiction tab at the top of this page, but sometimes I post individual entries that have a new poem in them as well.

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So I haven’t written anything in a while, but I’ve recently been inspired again.  I just wrote the poem you’re about to read a few minutes ago, and as it’s the first thing I’ve really written in quite some time, I wanted to give it center stage on its own before I added it to the Poetry page.  Here you go:

“Actor”

Actor, I see your face.

As hard as you try,

your skills aren’t sharp enough

to hide your pain.

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I see you,

a man spread so paper thin

we can see sunlight through you.

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I know a hint of your story,

but nowhere near the whole.

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I know the things you don’t say,

that the forces you struggle and fight against

often swallow you alive.

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And it takes all your considerable strength

to climb out again.

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In some ways,

I have been there.

How I wish I could be the one

to reach a hand down to you

And pull you up into the light.

DD

8-6-13

1:30 PM

 

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

Poetry and Duets April 3, 2013

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD (Photo credit: summonedbyfells)

Hello all.  Well, not 5 minutes ago, I discovered that April is National Poetry Writing Month, or NaPoWriMo.  In the spirit of creativity, I thought I might try to throw some poetry out there.  Most of my poetry usually stems from my darker, more despairing moments like divorces and deaths and terrorist attacks, (unless it happens to be during a time when I’m taking a class in which writing poetry is an assigned activity.)  But I’m willing to give it a shot on an ordinary day.  I do have to confess that I’m feeling…not super-happy right now.  It’s my own fault.  I listened to that d*** Thousand Years song from Twilight a couple of times and that never fails to depress me to no end.  I’m just feeling the urge to twist off a little, and that is never a good thing.  I just feel like I’m just aching to sing, and life is supposed to be a duet, so where the h*** is my partner?

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I was listening to another song a while ago, Paint Me a Birmingham, and thinking how I would love to perform that song as the harmony to a male duet partner.  Or any song, really.  I almost sung a duet with my cousin at his sister’s wedding but he backed out at the last minute because he was worried he didn’t know the words well enough.  Sometimes I just want to march into ANYplace that has karaoke and volunteer to sing with the next guy who wants to perform.  Anyway.  Just for the record, this particular post may not conclude with my own poetry, because it’s about 15 minutes before I leave work, The Boy is here, chomping at the bit to leave as soon as possible, and I don’t work well under pressure when it comes to poetry.  I mean, I could probably spit some out, but it might not be a masterpiece.

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Instead, I think I’ll just post the lyrics to that Thousand Years song.  I just can’t seem to get that song out of my head today:

A Thousand Years – Pt. 2 (Christina Perri)

The day we met
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I’d  found a home for my
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be  brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand  alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved  you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time  stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let  anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every  hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting  for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find  you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand  years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

I have  died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For  a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I  believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved  you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

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Well, maybe tomorrow I can come up with some poetry.

Until next time,

D.

 

It’s a Done Deal! February 12, 2013

There's No Looking Back

There’s No Looking Back (Photo credit: Toby Keller / Burnblue)

Hello all!  Well, I’ve done it.  I just completed my non-refundable, non-transferable, sign on the dotted line, better hope nothing happens, registration for The Blathering 2013.  I’m nervous and excited and curious.  My next step is to start watching flight prices to Charleston and researching hotels in the area.  And choosing someone to bribe into driving me to the airport. 🙂

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You know, I’ve gone back and forth on this, but I really think it’s something I need to do.  It represents the first of what I hope will be many adventures in my life where I step out on my own and just go with it.  I don’t know a soul who will be there.  I’ve never set foot in that city in my entire life.  I don’t know what it will be like, what will happen, or who I will meet.  But I know they will be people I can relate to- they will be women, mothers, sisters, friends, and above all, WRITERS!  They relate to the written word, they love it.  They may even cling to it as their only link to sanity, who knows?  There’s no telling, but I would be willing to bet that it will be fun, that I will make new friendships that could last a lifetime, and that I will be glad I took the chance.

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There’s one thing I’m a little concerned about though.  It looks like most of the conversation and divulging of details and dispensing of info about this event will be taking place on Twitter, something I am not into, and don’t particularly want to be.  I already spend too much time messing around on Facebook; I definitely don’t need another social media site sucking away the few remaining moments of my days.  And I hate to admit it, but Twitter confuses me, and I feel like I’m too old for it, you know?  Like it’s for the youngsters, and I’m not one of those anymore.  I already anticipate being the oldest one at The Blathering, but we’ll see.

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So I’m off to the flight price monitoring websites.  I also plan to use this upcoming event as motivation in my Weight Watchers efforts.  We’ll see how that goes too.  Wish me luck, y’all!  See you in Charleston!

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Until next time,

D.

 

My Future Oscar Winner: The Drama Has GOT to be Good for SOMETHING! January 6, 2011

Wishes fireworks shows in the Magic Kingdom Wa...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  You know how I’m always saying that my son will someday either end up on The Oscars or America’s Most Wanted?  Well, I’ve decided.  It needs to be The Oscars.  This boy has got such an incredibly strong imagination, and he’s so extremely emotional!  Not that I think his mood swings are an act at this point, but I think he could use his tendency toward drama to really take him places!  Consider tonight, for example:

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We had been having what I called a Disney Dance Party, which was my way of getting these little couch potatoes moving in preparation for our trip to Disney World.  Since it’s still too dark for us all to go for a family walk when I get home from work, I decided we were just going to put on some peppy music and boogie it out as hard as we could for 20 minutes a night, working up to longer times as the trip gets closer.  So we had done that tonight, dancing to Sean Kingston‘s Fire Burning, Jay Z and Kanye’s Down, and Lady Gaga’s Disco Heaven.  (And Daughter J. insisted on listening to two songs from A Goofy Movie.)  I showed them a few exercise moves like holding a squat against the wall, and just holding a crouch for as long as we could.  I helped The Boy do a few sit-ups, and we finally stopped and sat down.  I told them we would find a calming, relaxing song to cool down to, and then I got a bright idea that turned out to be not so bright for The Boy. 

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I sat on the edge of my chair, with my arms stretched out and down against my knees.  I told them I imagined all the negative energy, dark stuff, bad moods, and ugliness shooting out of my fingertips as I stretched them downward, until my entire body was empty of anything negative.  Then I turned my palms up as I rested them on my knees and told them to imagine positive energy, light, and warmth being poured into their hands until it ran up their arms and filled up their whole chest and exploded outward.  So The Boy decided to give this a try, and my poor Little Man had been ‘receiving the positive’ for about half a minute when he just burst into tears!  He said he was crying because it was so beautiful and that he imagined little white angels falling into his hands.  He sat on my lap for a while and I tried to explain to him that I wanted him to just feel relaxed and positive, not cry!  So he got back on the couch and gave it another try and this time, he almost started crying again, because he said he saw himself being hugged by God! 

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And this after he had just earlier in the evening been grouching and griping and completely unmanageable and unreasonable about every tiny thing, up to and including having a tantrum because his hamburger bun came apart as he tried to take it out of the bag!  I swear I do not know what comes over this kid! 

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And at the same time, he  is such a comedian!  His birthday is four months from today, and he’s been bugging me about this Harry Potter merchandise he wants, something he found on one of those dvd inserts where they advertise wands and sorcerer’s stones and time-turner necklaces and golden egg pendants.  And $300 pewter HP chess sets.  You get the idea.  So he’s been bugging and begging, and since he had done nothing but be a hateful old grump to Daughter J. all evening, I told him he wasn’t getting anything until he could learn to love his sister and get along and be kind!  So they are both sitting on the couch, and a moment after I tell him this, he LAUNCHES  himself across the couch and wraps his arms around her and puts this silly, happy grin on his face.  Then when she looks over at me like “WHAT is he doing?”  he snuggles his head into her side again and grins even bigger.  Then he cuts his eyes over to me and asks “What do you think?  Can I have it now?” 

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SIGH!  I’m hoping the ‘receiving the positive’ technique will help him sleep better.  He’s always complaining that he can’t sleep, because he keeps thinking about scary things that he’s seen in video games and movies (which he was NOT allowed to watch by me, for the record!  The movie was something Daughter J. let him watch and the video games were something he watched his father play).  We were supposed to do a family project for counseling and make him a dream catcher from stuff we found around the house, but we haven’t done it yet.  He’s usually satisfied with me singing him a few songs when he gets in bed. 

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So.  We’re going to stick with the Disney Dance Party idea and hopefully will build up some stamina in my little chubby-bubbies and prepare them for tackling the World.  For my own part, I’ve been making extra trips up and down the stairs at work for the last few days.  Sadly, I think tonight’s boogie wonderland might possibly have resulted in a few stress fractures!  What I wouldn’t give for a couple of foot transplants!  Have they invented those yet, and if not, WHY NOT!? 

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And while we’re on the subject of Disney, readers should perhaps be aware that this particular topic will be increasingly on my mind in the weeks to come, because our trip is 4 months and three weeks from tomorrow!  I discovered an online message board that has the potential to become the mother of all obsessions for the next few months, www.DISboards.com , and my family is beginning to suspect cult activity!  I’m sure by the time we leave for our trip, they will have the intervention lined up for the moment our return flight lands, and all my Facebook friends will have blocked me from their feeds because they feel they may hurt someone if they see the word ‘Disney’ from me just once more!

Until next time,

D.

 

Futility and Future In Juxtaposition December 19, 2010

Hello all.  As per usual, I am in a fierce bad mood.  My kids are grumpy little homebody couch potatoes.  I was wanting to go to the candlelight service at my sister’s church, but they weren’t interested in going.  All they ever want to do is sit around and draw or play their stupid video games or watch movies or other mindless crap on YouTube.  And whose fault is it that they are the way they are?  Mine.  All mine.  I raised them.  I shaped them.  I formed them.  So if I sometimes can’t stand them, it’s my own stinking fault. 

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So, let’s see.  What else am I crabby about?  My co-worker stabbed me in the back by interfering with my mail at work and my boss won’t even confront her about it.  My house payment is about to go up.  My car needs a brake job, its transmission serviced, and a new windshield.  I will be alone and bored on New Year‘s Eve.  I want to find a different church.  I don’t know where I belong, career-wise speaking.  I am desperately hopeless about ever finding a long-lasting, successful relationship.  I am annoyed at myself for even wanting that, because I’m clearly not in a place where I can have a man in my life, because my dear children have made it clear that they want me all to themselves and they do not want me to have a man in my life (or at least theirs) until they are grown and out of the house and on their own.  At least, the girls have.  I don’t necessarily blame them, but anyway…The Boy would probably not mind, if the guy was a decent person who had the tiniest bit of rapport with him. 

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I guess I just woke up depressed this morning.  I don’t know why, exactly.  Just woke up bummed and cranky and crabby.  I tried to think of something to post on Facebook, but I couldn’t think of something that didn’t sound whiny and obnoxious, so I gave up.  I just can’t be one of those people who is constantly posting updates talking about how fabulously blessed and happy they are, and how perfect their life is, and how they are existing in a constant state of near-orgasmic bliss.  Who the heck is that happy ALL the darn time?!  Facebook is my nemisis.  My mother got irritated at me the other day because I unleashed a verbal slap-down on someone who ticked me off on Fb.  She says I spout off on there too much and put too much personal stuff on there.  Or maybe she was talking about here.  I’m not sure. 

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There is one tiny thing I’m looking forward to, and if anything happens to ruin it, I will have a monster-sized temper tantrum.  The kids never read my blog, so I could share it here, but I won’t, just in case.  I’ll just say that it’s something for the whole family that the kids don’t know about yet, that they will find out about as part of their Christmas.  I am sooooo looking forward to seeing their faces when they find out!  It is the one bright spot in my life at this moment. 

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So anyway.  Back to the love/relationship thing.  I had a dream the other night- I don’t remember if there was any more to it than this one part, but I was standing there with this guy I graduated with, and he said “I love you,” and I said “I love you.”  It was short and to the point, but the emotions were clearly intense.  I can’t imagine why I dreamed that, or why I dreamed about this particular guy.  All I know is that even though finding someone to love is clearly high on my list of desires, I can’t really picture being able to fit someone in my life right now.  Maybe the reason the entire subject is so depressing is that I’m still married!  On paper, at least, which does me no good whatsoever.  And as I said, the kids have already decreed that I am not allowed to remarry while they are still at home.  Granted, the girls are only 17 months away from graduating high school. (OMG- did I just say that!?)  But they probably won’t be leaving home for a couple of years after that.  Daughter S. wants to take classes at the local higher ed center for a year or two and then go to art school.  Daughter J.’s options and abilities are both slightly more limited, but she doesn’t really think in realistic terms anyway.  She wants to work for Disney.  Specifically, she wants to be a Disney “star,” as in one of those overrated teenage actors who stars in a Disney show, puts out music cds, and generally makes people wonder just WHO is in charge at Disney studios, anyway? 

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The boy will be 10 in May, so he’s in the picture for a longer time.  I often wonder what it will be like when the girls do get out into the world on their own and it’s just me and Little Man.  I could do anything.  I could pick up and move to Alaska.  Or go teach ESL in Thailand.  Or move to Port Aransas.  There are possibilities.  I suppose if I were selfish and heartless, I could shove the girls out the door the minute they get home from graduation, ship The Boy off to live with his father, grab my backpack and hit the road in Europe or somewhere to go “find myself.”  But I don’t see that happening. 

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It’s an intriguing, tantalizing idea, though.  It defiinitely is.

Until next time,

D.

 

Arts or Sports- Schools Shouldn’t Have To Choose! May 13, 2010

Hello all.  I want to talk tonight about music.  Well, mostly music, but also art and other unappreciated areas that are constantly getting cut from school budgets.

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First of all, I went to Daughter J.’s vocal music concert tonight.  The entire choir program of Lone Grove Schools, from 6th through 12th grade, performed several of the songs they had used for contests and festivals throughout this year.  They were amazing.  Even in the middle school grades, there were students with outstanding voices, incredible presence in front of an audience, and poise beyond their years.  And toward the end of the program, the choir director, Mr. Monteith, had to say goodbye to his assistant and middle school choir director, Mrs. Gauthier, because she was one of several faculty members laid off because of budget shortfalls.

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The final song of the evening was a song called My God Is A Rock.  (See a video of this song performed by a different choir here.)It was a challenging piece vocally, mesmerizing to listen to, and perhaps one of the more stirring songs I’ve ever heard at one of these choir concerts, and I’ve been to several.  As they concluded, the entire audience was on its feet immediately, and I was in tears.  I felt that if only Congresses and Legislatures could hear that group perform that song as well as they did tonight, they’d never cut music programs.

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To use an ironic metaphor, I realize that my opinion on this subject is just a lone voice in a much larger chorus.  Many others have argued the point I am arguing, probably more forcefully and eloquently.  But at some point the chorus has just got to be heard.  I don’t have the time, patience, or research skills to go find all the studies and facts and data that prove music and other arts programs are not just avenues for talented students to show off.  They are opportunities for all students to prove that they are dedicated, hard working, capable individuals; individuals who can work and practice together as a unit and create something beautiful and touching.  And yes, that includes students who may not excel in the classroom, students who will never feel at home sitting at a desk writing a paper or solving math problems, but who, with musical accompaniment, on a stage, in front of a crowd, can stand out and shine.

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The lousiest, sorriest, most unfair thing is that few if any schools would ever choose to cut one of their sports programs to save a fine arts program.  Few coaches and trainers are getting RIFed in the budget crisis, but music and art teachers are getting their pink slips in huge numbers, despite the fact that arts programs are vastly cheaper to maintain!! (For those outside the teaching field, getting RIFed means getting laid off due to Reduction In Force policies when schools have to cut their budgets.)

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I fully acknowledge that sports are good for kids in theory.  They teach the value of hard work, teamwork, leadership, sportsmanship, fair play and any number of other excellent values.  But in the real world, the students who benefit the most from sports programs in schools are the ones with talent, the ones who always get to play.  They are the ones who get the accolades, the write-ups in the hometown newspaper, the attention, the scholarships.  On the other hand, when a choir wins a state contest, it is as a unit.  The work that goes into winning that superior rating benefits all members equally.  In a really good choral group, all the unique voices blend smoothly into one, and all the members share equally in the glory of the group’s achievement.  Again, I know sports teams are similar, but there are always MVPs who get singled out for the credit.  The wonderful thing about choirs is that a greater number of students who are average singers can join together to make an above-average choir.  In general, it takes two or three above-average players to make an average football team.

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So nobody ever said life was fair.  So everybody has to have priorities, schools have to have priorities.  Why not choose to save the programs that will provide the most benefit to the most students?  Why not choose to support programs like music and art, that allow students to become more well-rounded and better prepared for life?

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And the flip side of this whole argument is that sometimes a star emerges from a music program and takes the world by storm.  Sometimes individuals do manage to achieve above and beyond the group as a whole.  I caught a video on YouTube a couple of nights ago that absolutely amazed me.  It was a young man, a 6th grader, performing in his school’s arts festival.  He was playing piano and singing his own version of a popular song called ‘Paparazzi’ by an artist named Lady GaGa.  His incredible video went from 0 to over 9 MILLION views in a couple of weeks.  He will likely become a star very soon.  This could not happen if his talent were only on the football field or the baseball field or the hockey rink or the golf course.  Music gave him a chance to stand out from the crowd in a way that would not be possible in the world of sports for this small, skinny boy.

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Music and art are the two things that make my two daughters light up inside.  They both love to sing, and one of them is a gifted artist.  What an unneccesary tragedy it would be if they were to be denied the chance to learn and grow in the mediums they love because schools chose to let go of the music or art teacher instead of one of the 3 or 4 football coaches or trainers.

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I encourage everyone who reads this to find your own way to do two things:  One- support the arts in your school and community.  And two- make your legislators aware that the arts are high on your priority list, and that because arts and sports are similarly beneficial to students, those legislators need to figure out some way to end the budget problems that schools face so that they don’t have to choose.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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