The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

To D or Not To D April 6, 2016

Hello, all!

“Oh, to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!”

“That sounds to me like you’re daunted. Say it again like you’re UNDAUNTED!”

Another word for undaunted might be determined. I need determination right now in so many areas of my life. I need determination to work on my health and weight loss. I need determination in my theater pursuits, to not get depressed when I don’t get cast, and to help promote the theater and the arts. I need determination to do the best I can as a parent and to deal with and face any challenges with my kids that might come up. I need determination to re-train my brain and learn to love and appreciate myself.

So much determination! I don’t know at this point where it will come from, but I know I have to find it.

Today’s poem:

Daring and dauntless

reach for the brass ring.

Grasp the dream and live it

Determined.

Nothing stands

between me and greatness.

I am there.

 

DD

4/06/16

11:26pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

B Is For Bias, Bodies, and Boyfriends April 3, 2016

Hello, all!  Day 2 of the April challenges is here, so let’s get right into it. B is for Bias and Bodies. And Boyfriends, while we’re on the subject.

*

I mentioned in my last post that I had auditioned for a show recently. Ardmore Little Theater is currently in rehearsals for “I Ought To Be In Pictures.” It is a play by Neil Simon with a cast of only three people: a man, a woman, and a late-teenage girl. Initially I went in thinking I didn’t really have a snowball’s chance of winning the adult female role. I really wanted to play the character because I felt like I really understood her. I had some concerns about some parts of the show, but overall I would have loved the chance to work through and around my issues and play the role.

*

So I went in thinking I didn’t really have a chance, but at the time, I was thinking it was because there would be someone who was obviously better than I was, and they would get the part. Well, after the first night of auditions, I was kind of surprised. I had done what I thought was maybe my best audition ever and I thought Maybe I actually had a shot. The second night of auditions, when I discovered we were going to be reading the same scene again, I asked one of my friends if I should try to do it exactly the same as I had the night before or do it differently, and she said to do it differently. So as I watched everyone else read, I thought, “How can I be different from everyone else? How can I do it better than last night?” And I came up with the idea to take it in the opposite direction emotionally and take a completely different tone.  After the reading, I felt like it had been a good choice. Nobody else had gone that direction but me, at least not that I could remember. There was one lady who I felt was pretty good, but I felt like I showed more realistic emotion. Or something. I am not even sure now. I think I just generally thought I was better. BUT. She had one huge advantage. She was much thinner.

*

When it came to the guys, two of them were similar but seemed pretty good to me, and the third just seemed a little bland and emotionless. Not very realistic. And there again he was the thinnest of the three. So guess who got cast? The two thin people, which really should not have surprised me, and perhaps really didn’t, because at one point they were onstage together and I thought, “I’m looking at the cast of this show right now.”

*

Anyway. One of the things about theater is that the result of an audition is never truly in our hands. We might think we are the best choice, but it is all about the director’s vision and only he or she knows what that is. But in this case, I felt like the primary deciding factor was appearances. That may or not have been entirely the case, but that was how I took it. How I felt. And it did something to me. Well, several things, but mostly it reminded me of the fact of appearance bias in theater and every other field and facet of the world. No one is immune to it.

*

But on this occasion, the reminder of that bias was almost crushing. I felt very angry that day. I thought I could see very clearly that large people are only allowed to be characters in a few specific situations: they are poor, they are Southern, they are stupid, or they are morally deficient. I tried to think, all day when I was at work after the cast was posted, of specific examples both from our local theater and from professional theater and in TV and movies, that supported my theory:  extra large actors and the roles they play.

*

The problem is that theater is the very definition of unreality. See, in the real world, fat and unattractive people get married, have sex, and get divorced. In the world of theatre, nobody wants to see that up on stage, larger than life in spotlights in a play about love and sex. It is not fair but it is reality. No sense whining about it when it’s what we sign up for.

*

Anyway, the long and short of it was that it made me reconsider the possibility of ever playing a big role, or one I really wanted. I thought I didn’t want to do it if I was up against that bias. I thought I didn’t even want to play roles I might be perfect for, if I had to play them at the size I am now. I started thinking about dislike for self and downright self-hatred and how it spills over onto others and I wondered where my compassion went. (I also realized it is getting harder for me to look people in the eyes at work, but I am not sure there is a connection there.)

*

So. It was a rough couple of days. I identified a part I want in one of the shows for next season, but immediately began wondering if I were good enough. And then I wanted to back out because I want to play the part but I don’t want to play her at this size. And then I thought, well why not? If someone’s going to play her, it might as well be me.

*

This entry is getting too long, but I wanted to throw in the topic of boyfriends and how it seems like I always want one, but the only guys I have loved, liked, seriously crushed on, or considered crushing on, have all had significant mental issues, by which I mean depression or bipolar or some variation on that theme. I wonder whether I am drawn to these people or I draw them to me. My counselor the other day said something I have known for years, but because of the current climate of my emotions toward myself and my size and all, it was quite depressing to be reminded of:  you have to love yourself before you can get anyone else to love you. And in the mental headspace I am in right now, all I could think was “Boy, am I screwed!”

Without further ado, today’s B Poem:

Bodies

beautiful or not,

Seen through our own eyes.

what is

or what isn’t

rejoice or cry,

but  always judge.

Always criticize.

Bodies

float

or waltz

or waddle

across a stage

or a screen

and into our imagination

catalogued

by categories of value

based on appearances

Bias is like air

it surrounds and touches,

it is inside and outside

and no matter

what the inside says…

the outside makes the decisions

for all of us

DD

4/3/16

2:04am

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

Apologies: Another Opportunity to Grow October 3, 2014

Hello all.  This is a follow up to my last entry.

*

My last post hurt my friend.  I didn’t mean it to, but it did.  I failed to point out a few important facts.

*

I didn’t mention that she was not beating me out for these roles on purpose, trying to take them from me for no good reason.  I failed to point out that she began taking music lessons literally before I was born.  I failed to point out that she has been involved in theater and music since she was in high school, that she has done community theater off and on for years, that she has a degree in music, that she has taught music and acting every day of her career, and that she has yearned to be onstage her entire life.  I posted her picture of her in her first breakout role with ALT because I am proud of how awesome she is.  Despite the fact that I have held my talents and abilities up against hers and found them lacking through my own ridiculous insecure nature, I am proud of her.  She’s amazing to have as a friend.  She gets applause when she merely walks in to audition.  She is loving and kind and friendly and caring, and she’s a wonderful person.  Nothing in my previous post was meant to imply anything different.  She has wanted to be onstage like this her entire life.

*

I have only been involved in community theater for a year and a half.  I auditioned mainly on a whim a year ago, but I have always wanted to sing.  All I ever wanted to do as a kid was to sing and be a mom.  I used to stand in my bedroom for hours, singing along with cassette tapes of my favorite singers, pretending I was giving a concert.  The acting thing I have always thought would be fun, but I always felt like I would never be able to actually make anybody believe I was a different character, so I never tried to do it before.

*

My last post wasn’t really at all about her. It wasn’t meant to be, anyway. It was about me and how I have to decide how to deal with not getting what I want and how to know where to go with the knowledge that I am not as good as I want to be. It was about me dealing with a newly discovered issue, (as if I didn’t have enough already) and trying to figure out what to do about it. She just happened to be the person who cast the spotlight on the lesson. If it were one of our other much more experienced theater friends rather than my best friend, it wouldn’t be nearly as obvious that it was something I needed to realize and learn.

*

And I also realized, amazingly, I have never felt like I was in direct competition with anybody, much less someone who was my best friend. And it’s not like it is a direct competition between me and her, but the reality is this theater thing is somewhat of a competition and I’ve never really even been in ANY competition. I’ve never been in sports or really done anything that was individually competitive like this.  It’s just that I’m new to competition on the whole.

*

I’m really, really sorry, Mama T.  I’m new to all of this, and it’s no excuse, but I’m on the right track now.  Forgive me.  Love you bunches!

Until next time,

D.

 

 

Rambling Treatise on Hair and Fat and Aspiring to NOT Fear Them May 30, 2014

 

Hello all.  I’m just taking a moment to write here, because auditions for the summer musical are Monday and Tuesday night, and I’m the Stage Manager, and who knows when I’ll be able to write again?  I was thinking about nightmares.  The two things I remember dreaming about last night, I would classify as bad dreams, not necessarily nightmares.  But when I started thinking about them, I wondered WHY on earth I or anyone else would ever be afraid of, or have negative feelings about, these two things, but so many are and do!  It just got me into this deep, thoughtful, sort of reflective type of mood, and what a “fear” of these two things means for me and every other person (mostly women) in the world:  ‘hair’ and ‘fat.’

*

Now you’re probably wondering mostly about the first of these two words.  Here’s the backstory, the shocking confession:  I almost never remove the hair from my legs, by any method.  Rarely shave, or wax, or anything of the sort.  Yet they are virtually hair-free!  It’s either genetic, or I have some serious disease I don’t know about, or I never wear shorts, and my long pants somehow inhibit hair growth, or something.  I have a few little hairs here and there, but they are so light and thin and fine, I can barely even get hold of them with tweezers, which is how I usually remove them.    So what does this have to do with last night’s dreams?   Simple.  In my dream, I started growing hair on my legs and no matter how much I shaved, I always missed some, and what I DID manage to shave grew right back almost immediately.  That was upsetting and stressful to me in my dream.  When I woke up it just got me thinking about women and standards of beauty and how most women are always waxed, shaved, tweezed to the max, just to feel beautiful.  I think it’s sad.  Women, in the past, now, and always, have been subjected to absolutely unnatural standards of beauty and desirability.  Think of it! Corsets, foot-binding, bras, makeup, bikini wax!  Craziness, I tell you!

*

Like most people, I have been on both ends of the discussion.  I went to a makeup party the other night- one of those facial and makeup demo things, you know.  And everyone looked beautiful to me, without their makeup.  Stunning WITH makeup, of course.  But perfectly lovely and acceptable without it.  And I, as a non-wearer of makeup daily, was heartily encouraged to continue with the routine of the makeup that was applied to my face that night, because my face “looks so much brighter!”  And secondly I remember being shocked at the willingness to be seen in public of a lady I met at a writer’s group meeting a couple of weeks ago, who I SWEAR had a full beard and mustache, and I couldn’t believe she could go around outside her house like that.  I distinctly remember telling someone that night that if I ever got that low on hormones, I wanted someone to shoot me.  WHAT?!!  I’d rather be dead than have hair on my face?  A) There are several different solutions to this particular issue, and B) Something seriously wrong with my perspective here.

*

Anyway.  I don’t really have an answer for the problem.  I don’t expect women to suddenly stop shaving and wear no makeup ever, just in the interest of rebelling against cultural expectations and standards of beauty, except to tell women everyone to love who you are and what you look like and try to be as natural and real and authentic as possible, and if men, people, the world, don’t appreciate you exactly as you are, then pooh on them.  Who needs ’em?

*

Which, of course, leads to the other dream, the topic of which is one I have struggled with my entire life and chronicled extensively throughout this blog, and that is fat.  Weight.  Weight LOSS.  All that stuff.  In this dream last night, I saw one of my old friends from high school.  She has been up and down on the weight loss journey all her life, just as I have, and in the last couple of years has been doing really well.  But the last time I talked to her, she mentioned how she had slacked off and lost some ground.  So in this dream, I saw her, and she was much bigger than she had ever been.  Bigger than at her heaviest.  I swear she was actually three feet wide.  And I saw her hips and her completely round face, and I felt fear.  Desperate fear that I am headed to that exact same place, because I was talking with another friend last night about binge eating and out-of-control-ness, and it is all just terrifying.

*

And therein lies the biggest problem that I have with fat.  In this culture, in this country, people act like FAT is the absolute worst thing you can be.  Worse than a liar, worse than a cheat, worse than lazy, worse than stupid, worse than selfish, worse than anything I can think of.  People would rather be ANYTHING than fat.

*

Ok, so it’s completely true that life, physical life, is easier at a normal weight.  Movie seats, airplane seats, tourist attractions, doctor’s office visits, medical procedures, shopping, self-care and grooming (like shaving, for example).  All of those are not things you really have to even give much thought to…when you’re not fat.  You live longer, have more options for entertainment, like chasing a ball with your kids or walking the stupid dog, you have more life when you’re not living it insulated.  And for the record, that insulation can come in other ways than fat, but that’s another post.

*

My point is that…I don’t know what my point is.  I just know I have been dealing with the upsliding scale for weeks and months, and it puts me in a state of terror, and I hate that.  I guess I just need to work on the whole self-love thing no matter what my weight and appearance.  I need to work toward complete self-approval, BUT I also need to focus on health.  Just health.  Good food choices, good activity choices.  Remembering that the life I want to live is out of reach as long as I can’t easily reach my shoes.  That awareness has got to count for something, right?

*

Thanks for joining me on this ramble.  Stay tuned for updates on my Stage Manager experience as it unfolds.

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 

Lonely Monkey Syndrome August 9, 2013

Lonely Monkey Ape at Zoo

Lonely Monkey Ape at Zoo (Photo credit: epSos.de)

Hello all.  So here’s the deal.  I’m feeling a little down, drowsy, and blah today.  I realize that compared to my post yesterday, it’s the polar opposite, but if you’ve been reading me longer than five minutes, you know that’s how I roll.  I call it emotional bungee jumping.  Anyway.  It’s not that I just feel that way for the fun of it.  The problem lies in the area of social media and how some of us connect nowadays.  In short- Facebook.  I know I talk about it a lot.  It’s one of my most frequently used outlets to connect and reach out to friends, family, and assorted others.   I acknowledge this and I’m ok with it.  That’s not exactly the problem.

*

The problem here is that I am a Facebook OVER-user.  I am constantly getting flack from some people in my life who tell me that I put too much stuff out there.  I post too much of my daily life, my thoughts and feelings, what I had for lunch (healthy eating victories), what socks I’m wearing (random urge to wear Christmas socks in July), what I did at work (Les Mis withdrawals and a mini desk-barricade), and random song lyrics that pop into my head (because I work with one headphone in my ear as much as possible and I have my entire iTunes on shuffle, so there’s no telling what comes up.)  So yeah, I’m one of THOSE Fb people, but I do have some self-control:  I don’t share a lot of recipes, political posts, Like this Page if You Love God, Keep Scrolling if you’re heartless, etc.  Those are dumb.  Ok, not the recipes.

*

I’m really trying hard here, to make this a well-thought out discourse on why people are the way they are with regard to social media.  In my own case, it has to do with my work environment.  I work in a church building, as the secretary for a TV/Radio/Internet ministry overseen by the elders of this particular congregation.  I sit in a big empty room, I answer the phone and send free Bible CDs and DVDs to people who call and request them or send an email form.  I am frequently the only one in the building, and even when I’m not, I don’t talk much to the 2 or 3 people who are here.  In short- I have no interaction!  I’m not in the public, I’m not dealing with customers, other than briefly on the phone.  It’s quiet, and it’s dull.  I order supplies, I duplicate and label DVDs and CDs, I pay bills and make deposits from donations.  That’s it.  Basically, I think I over-use Fb because I’m a little bored and a lot un-challenged.  And lonely.  That too.  Facebook is like being with your friends, even when you’re not.  And insanely, you miss them when they aren’t on it anymore if that was your main method of contact!  I’ll say it again:  Facebook is like being with your friends, even when you’re not.

*

Ok, so we know that, and we know it’s just how some people use the site.  Fine, what’s the problem?  Well, it’s the struggle between just being who you are, doing what you do, and not caring if people think you are a big old NERD… and knowing that this is something that brings you comfort and enjoyment but people think you’re a dork for it.  THAT is my problem.  I know, I’ve been told more than once that I worry way too much about what people think.  Noted.  But that struggle is the source of my mood today!  When I’m bored and lonely, I feel like posting some random boring junk on social media, but I know that I am in essence making a bigger fool out of myself with each ‘like,’ comment, and share.  Which makes the mood worse, and it all just sort of rolls downhill.

*

Blessed are those who are not aware that Facebook over-usage is self-embarrassment and can like, share, and comment to their heart’s content.  I either need to Facebook (in its verb sense) less, learn how to not care what people think, or do more things with friends in real life.  Maybe all three.  Alternatively, maybe I just need a more active, interesting, challenging, and people-related job!  You think? 🙂

*

Until next time,

D.

 

Let The Crazy Commence! February 15, 2013

Charleston Harbor Resort

Charleston Harbor Resort (Photo credit: tabounds)

Hello all.  Here’s the thing.  I give you fair warning, and you cannot say you haven’t had it.  I am going to be talking about this trip to Charleston a lot.  Like, A LOT.  I’ve spent the morning perusing the recaps of attendees from last year, adding them to my blogroll in hopes of getting more familiar with some of them before the event, looking at photos, trying to imagine myself in that setting.  At one point I literally almost cried because it looks like so much fun, but already my tendency to fret, worry, obsess, and overplan has kicked in.  I reserved my room in the official hotel, and then I was searching for maps of the city, trying to imagine what I’m going to want to do, what tours I’ll want to take, (trying not to panic when my mother reminded me how bad I am at directions), wondering how much time people at this thing spend together versus doing their own thing, thinking about how everyone else seems to have at least one other person there whom they already know in real life, wondering if I’ll go, shell out all this money, and spend the entire weekend sitting alone at a table in a dark corner, watching everyone else laughing, and feeling nerdy and left out, but being grateful that at least I wouldn’t show up in anybody’s pictures, knowing that since I have already committed to going, I’ll just have to suck it up and be brave and fake the outgoing personality I wish I really had, in order for the previous scenario to NOT be a self-fulfilling prophecy.   Whew.  Deep breath.

*

Still, I feel the need to do research.  Like what will the temperatures be like, and what kind of clothes do I need to bring?  The depressing truth is, everybody in those pictures looked so young and trendy and cute.  Y’all, I own nothing cute.  Really.  I bought myself a new pair of jeans from WalMart yesterday, which I desperately needed, but because I was feeling very, um…, large and likely to become larger… I also bought two MENS shirts in size 3X.  Why would I do that, why?!  Do I not have any hope or faith in my ability to keep a handle on my weight loss and stop backsliding?  And furthermore, if I were buying those really big shirts in a futile attempt to camouflage and hide the fluffy, then somebody please explain to me WHY I bought them in Hunter-Safety-Orange and Glow-In-the-Dark neon yellow?!  Aside from the fact that I love bright stuff, clearly, this is some sort of confused paradoxical wish to hide and yet be noticed.  From miles away, no less.  I was also thinking about this paradox in terms of the differences among the various bloggers when it came to how much of their real lives they put into their work- pictures of their kiddos, things they create from projects, pictures of their homes, etc., and how I’m not like that.  I write with the hope that people will just happen across what I have written, find it entertaining, and keep reading and enjoying it, but I still try to keep a certain amount of anonymity, too.  I’m not as brave and open as they are.  I have walls.  I guess all of them probably do have walls of their own, it’s just that all our walls stand in different places, and from different proximities to our hearts, yes?

*

Oh well.  For the next eight months, I will try to remember to breathe and I will try to remember that I am strong and beautiful and sometimes inspiring and often darn funny, and that I will enjoy this event without making an Olympic trial of it, and I will come away from it having gained a new experience and hopefully maybe some new acquaintances who will grow into friends.  Sounds like a plan! 🙂

*
Until next time,
D.

 

A Year In the Same Place October 31, 2012

Hello all. 

*

Well, it’s Halloween again, and between the Frankenstorm on the East Coast and the upcoming presidential elections, things are pretty scary around here.  One thing that’s not scary, but amazing, is the fact that today marks the one-year anniversary of my employment with The Gospel of Christ TV/Radio/Internet ministry.  I have been the secretary/office manager here for one year today.  It’s incredible how time flies.  When I started last year, I was looking forward to the girls’ big 18th birthday, dreading their high school graduation, and obsessively anticipating our graduation cruise.

*

Now all of those are behind us.  Daughter S. is taking college courses and trying to get a job, Daughter J. is helping out around the house and trying to decide what she wants to do next, and The Boy has been having Adventures in Homeschooling.  Meanwhile, I’ve been More Or Less Maintaining my weight loss for over half a year now, and trying to figure out what’s next.   Employment-wise speaking, I don’t have any plans to change anything in the near future.  I’m pretty happy where I am.  My hours are super flexible, the environment is great, and the pay is decent.   I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I were making more money, but hey, almost everybody does, right?  And where else could I work full-time and home school at the same time?

*

There are probably other things I should be looking into, as far as personal fulfillment things.  I need a life.  I need hobbies.  I mean, hobbies other than Facebook and re-reading Harry Potter and Twilight books a million times.  I’ve thought about things like dance lessons, martial arts, Little Theater, etc.  I’ve thought about focusing more on my writing and blogging, really trying to grow that.  Sometimes I even think about going back to school and getting a Master’s degree in … something.  School counseling, maybe.  I need friends.  I mean real-life friends that I actually go out and do things with, or have over for dinner sometimes.

*

Unfortunately, though, I never get much further than thoughts.  I never actually move into the realm of action, which if you remember, is totally counter to my goals from last year; specifically, to BE a person of action!  I guess I still need to work on that.  I keep talking about wanting to find a relationship, but according to The Blond Oprah (See Meet the Cast), I need to figure out some things about myself.  “Settle into a sense of being comfortable with myself and who I am.”  To which I basically respond, “Huh?”  She says that in order to attract the type of person I want to attract (someone whole and complete in themselves and, in plain language, mentally stable!) I have some work to do.  In other words, I’m not really in a place where I should be in a relationship, no matter how much I might think about it.  Bugger.  I guess the challenge lies in figuring out specifically WTH she’s talking about.

*

But anyway.  Today is a milestone.  Daughter S. and The Boy are downtown doing the Trick or Treat Main Street thing, Daughter J. is with a friend of hers, and I’m blogging when I should be working.  So… Happy Halloween to all!

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

Smart and surprising

Mostly Bright Ideas

Some of these thoughts may make sense. But don't count on it.

Mad Scientist.Crazy Mom

Welcome to my laboratory: five kids on a farm

A Clean Surface.

simplicity, organization, inspiration, minimalism, humor...and reality

Princess Nebraska

If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. If would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it. -Frances Hodgson Burnett

She Likes Purple

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

musings of a madwoman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Glam-O-Mommy

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

happily ever me

a life in progress

Our Little Geekling

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

mighty maggie

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths

An Unexplored Wilderness

A writer's journey