The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Goodbye and Be Well… September 17, 2013

View off of White Point at Charleston, South C...

View off of White Point at Charleston, South Carolina, U.S.A. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Today is a tough day all of a sudden.  I have been thinking about some things and people related to the Great Summer Theater Experience, trying to really come to some conclusions and just let go of a few things.  And when I say let go of things, what I really mean is people.  Crushes and friendships that just don’t really have any viability in their current incarnations, that I have to just kiss on their figurative foreheads and let them go.  I’m trying to do that.  I am trying so hard.

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And then I get on Facebook and see a friend’s engagement pictures, and at first I’m jealous.  But then I tell myself, “No, I do not want to be jealous.  I am going to be happy.  Happy that some people are where they are supposed to be.  Happy that people are content, and settled in who they are, and where they are, and where they are going.”  But then ‘Margaritaville’ comes up on my iTunes, and I think, ‘You know…I would really love to just take a moment right now and escape.  I would give anything to be sitting in a beach chair under an umbrella, with something cold and fruity in my hand, the breeze blowing, the sound and smell of crystal blue waves, and absolutely nowhere else to be.  I would love to be able to just sit there and think, and not think, and just be there until I was OK, really, truly OK with where I am and where I am going.’  I feel that would take a long, long time.

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But thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, I have an opportunity just on the horizon for that escape I am needing, and it absolutely could not come at a better time.  The Blathering 2013 is just over two weeks away.  Charleston, South Carolina.  A city I have never visited, but really look forward to seeing.  Meeting some more new people, finding my tribe, maybe.  I am hoping that I will be able to strike a balance between enjoying the other attendees, meeting people, making friends, and also taking plenty of time for my own relaxation and reflection.  Giving myself time to just…Be.  Just be.  Just stop a moment on the journey and be where I am.

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I’m not sure why that is so hard in everyday life, that ‘just stopping for a moment on the path’ thing.  Between work issues and social issues and kid issues and relationship and church issues, I feel like I REALLY need quietness today.  I need a moment of introspection and deep meditation.  (I’m quite proud of myself- I actually just listened to my own need and turned off my iTunes.)  I might actually lie right down in the floor and just try to center for a bit.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

A Year In the Same Place October 31, 2012

Hello all. 

*

Well, it’s Halloween again, and between the Frankenstorm on the East Coast and the upcoming presidential elections, things are pretty scary around here.  One thing that’s not scary, but amazing, is the fact that today marks the one-year anniversary of my employment with The Gospel of Christ TV/Radio/Internet ministry.  I have been the secretary/office manager here for one year today.  It’s incredible how time flies.  When I started last year, I was looking forward to the girls’ big 18th birthday, dreading their high school graduation, and obsessively anticipating our graduation cruise.

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Now all of those are behind us.  Daughter S. is taking college courses and trying to get a job, Daughter J. is helping out around the house and trying to decide what she wants to do next, and The Boy has been having Adventures in Homeschooling.  Meanwhile, I’ve been More Or Less Maintaining my weight loss for over half a year now, and trying to figure out what’s next.   Employment-wise speaking, I don’t have any plans to change anything in the near future.  I’m pretty happy where I am.  My hours are super flexible, the environment is great, and the pay is decent.   I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I were making more money, but hey, almost everybody does, right?  And where else could I work full-time and home school at the same time?

*

There are probably other things I should be looking into, as far as personal fulfillment things.  I need a life.  I need hobbies.  I mean, hobbies other than Facebook and re-reading Harry Potter and Twilight books a million times.  I’ve thought about things like dance lessons, martial arts, Little Theater, etc.  I’ve thought about focusing more on my writing and blogging, really trying to grow that.  Sometimes I even think about going back to school and getting a Master’s degree in … something.  School counseling, maybe.  I need friends.  I mean real-life friends that I actually go out and do things with, or have over for dinner sometimes.

*

Unfortunately, though, I never get much further than thoughts.  I never actually move into the realm of action, which if you remember, is totally counter to my goals from last year; specifically, to BE a person of action!  I guess I still need to work on that.  I keep talking about wanting to find a relationship, but according to The Blond Oprah (See Meet the Cast), I need to figure out some things about myself.  “Settle into a sense of being comfortable with myself and who I am.”  To which I basically respond, “Huh?”  She says that in order to attract the type of person I want to attract (someone whole and complete in themselves and, in plain language, mentally stable!) I have some work to do.  In other words, I’m not really in a place where I should be in a relationship, no matter how much I might think about it.  Bugger.  I guess the challenge lies in figuring out specifically WTH she’s talking about.

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But anyway.  Today is a milestone.  Daughter S. and The Boy are downtown doing the Trick or Treat Main Street thing, Daughter J. is with a friend of hers, and I’m blogging when I should be working.  So… Happy Halloween to all!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Weddings, Williams, and Water Heaters June 25, 2011

Robin-Williams

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  Today has actually gone pretty smoothly, for the most part.  The Second Person I Used To Be Married To came and picked up myself and Daughter J. this morning so that I could go to work and she could go to Campfire Day Camp.  I went to work, I packed, I shipped, I mailed, I faxed, I wired.  We closed early so that we could go to the wedding I mentioned previously. 

*

All during the ceremony, I felt really guilty about my perpetual negativity from last night.  I was really happy for my friend.  She is happy, she looked beautiful, and I am extremely hopeful that their marriage will be a good one.  I was sure it would be one of those weddings where the couple are both super-emotional and crying from beginning to end, ’cause that’s just how they are.  It started out that way, what with Groom Greg tearing up when the bridesmaids’ music started and plucking Kleenex from his pocket before they ever opened the door for the bride.  She managed to keep it together though- walking down the aisle on her dad’s arm, it looked like it was all she could do to keep from busting into a sprint.  She looked joyful, and I think that more than anything else helped him, as he later put it, “find the faucet and turn off the waterworks.”  

*

I sat with all the rest of the people I work with and for… my boss and his wife and sons on one side, my formerly-known-as Crazy Co-Worker and her son on the other.  It was actually quite weird, because the last time all of us were in a church together was when they closed the store early so they could come to MY wedding!  I wondered if they were were thinking of that at all, and if they were drawing comparisons as to the differences in the two couples and the odds of survival for this newest marriage.  I hoped not.  But I was.  That was the basis for my crappy attitude last night, I think; I just felt the weight of perceived Failed-ness and felt somewhat crushed under it.  But later it was funny- after the wedding was over, my boss’s wife gushed, “I just love weddings!  Don’t you just love the romance and happiness!? I want to get married again, don’t you?!”  I just blathered unthinkingly something about “Oh yes, it was lovely!  She just looked beautiful!”  But on the way out to my aunt’s house to pick up the van, The Second Person I Used to Be Married To was listening to me relate the story, and I suddenly realized that my answer to that question should have been along the lines of Robin Williams‘ comedy routine about Scotsmen and Golf, where he’s explaining the origin of the game and a drunken Scot is explaining his idea about the 18 holes, and the other guy goes,  “Oh, and you do this one time?” and Robin goes  “F*** NO!” 

*

What I love about me and him is that we can still laugh at that.  Which we did.  Then we went and got the van and returned to my house to see if we could re-light the water heater pilot after I turned it off as per the instructions on the bug foggers.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t seem to get it re-lit, which made me cranky in the extreme.  Further, I found we still had fleas, so after I had wasted a half-dozen matches trying to light the stupid pilot, I gave up and decided to set off the two remaining foggers and go spend another night at Mom and Dad‘s house, even though they are currently somewhere in TEXAS! 

*

And that is where I remain, currently being tortured by my children’s television programming choices.  (NickToons, anyone??)  I guess we’ll stay here again tonight, but I’ll probably zip back over to the house later to collect some church clothes for all of us, because if I don’t, I won’t want to go in the morning and we’ll end up missing church.  I’d hate to do that.  I’m sure God expects me to go to church if I expect Him to help me find a way to get my car fixed and still get our passports and go on our cruise next year!   (Yeah, yeah, I know God’s not a ‘You scratch my back, I scratch yours’ kinda guy.) 

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So anyway.  I’m off to go eat a store-bought frozen pizza that’s probably not conducive to my dieting efforts, what with the coma-inducing amounts of sugary wedding cake and punch I ate today, but I’m gonna eat it anyway.  Surely 4 days a week of Turbo is worth SOMETHING!!!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Life is Weird. But… May 9, 2011

Wildflowers of Michigan: Viola (wild violets):...

Image by juggernautco via Flickr

Hello all.  You know what?  Life is just weird.  I don’t really have a direction for this entry, by the way.  I’m just sort of talking out of my head for a bit.  There’s so much on my mind, and as usual, I’m hoping I can find a way to articulate it all, effectively. 

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One thing I wanted to write about a few days ago was on the topic of marriage, or more appropriately, divorce.  This was on my mind because on May 3rd, I secured my “man-made piece of paper” (divorce decree) that superceded the previous “man-made piece of paper” (marriage license) and now I’m legally single again.  I don’t know what I wanted to say about that, exactly.  I’ve retyped this sentence almost 10 times and I still can’t figure out what to say.  I’m divorced.  AGAIN.  I was taught in my church that because I didn’t divorce for the reason of adultery, that I can never remarry again without being guilty of adultery myself for as long as I am in that marriage.  I really struggle with that, and not just because it would mean spending the next 50 years alone.  I struggle with whether anything I’ve been taught is really what God says or whether it’s largely a human being’s faulty, flawed, skewed, biased, HUMAN interpretation of God’s will.  I struggle with whether it’s possible for any human to really know what God’s will is, and how you can know if what you think God’s will is, is right! 

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It’s not like it matters.  I don’t have any prospects at the moment.  I don’t have even have any prospects of having prospects!  I am singularly single and thoroughly unattached.  My most recent former husband and I are still good friends and we’re still close enough that we could go out on a date every so often if we wanted to.  (I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone reading this, but it’s way too complicated to explain.  I’m not even sure I understand it.  We didn’t divorce because we didn’t love each other, and that’s all I can really say about that.) 

*

Anyway.  There’s more on my mind than just my newly minted single status.  My grandmother has been very ill for the last week, and is scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow.  She may not make it through the surgery.  I wanted to send her a card, to tell her that despite her fears, I believe that she CAN survive the surgery and regain her health, that she has been through a lot of stuff in her life and survived, because she’s a strong woman.  I know this, because *I*am a strong woman, and a strong woman can’t come from a line of wimps!  But I didn’t get the card to my parents, who are on their way to be with her during her surgery.  I told my mom on the phone tonight what I wanted to say to my Grandma, and hopefully it will sink in a little. 

*

You know, I was so scared that Grandma being sick and having surgery and possibly not making it would derail our Disney trip plans.  We’re supposed to leave May 27th, and I was very afraid we’d have to reschedule and I felt soooo guilty about that.  But I know that it’s normal to not want something that has been so long anticipated to be postponed, and that it doesn’t mean I don’t love my grandma, or that I don’t care if my dad loses his mother.  Of course not.  But now I’m choosing to believe that Grandma will make it through the surgery and be recovering nicely when we get on a plane to Florida.

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On top of all that, I’m also just kinda marveling a little, both at myself and at how strange life is becoming.  I have mentioned previously (I know, a lot) that I’ve been exercising.  Today I finally tried the last class, the one that intimidated me the most, Hip Hop Hustle.  It was fun, and not even as hard as I thought it was going to be.  (I still can’t really do those steps and moves right, but I’m trying!)  The crazy part is that today…  I went to both TurboKick AND Hip Hop Hustle!  I just can’t believe it’s me doing all this!  Me, the person who used to say it was crazy and nuts and insane to work out more than once in a day, or indeed, to get up at 5:00a.m. for the sole purpose of exercising!  The person whose favorite thing to do in the whole wiiiiide world is to lie in a horizontal position and read a book!  The person who has always hated physical exertion “like, worse than liver!”  Yet, here I am.  See, the thing is, I talked about motion, about action, and movement and so on, but I don’t think I really saw this one coming, this “me as a regular exerciser” thing.  I don’t think I reeeeally thought I’d ever become an active person.  But I’m enjoying it. A lot! 

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That’s what I mean when I say life is weird.  Not just once, but two times now, I’ve divorced someone I loved, who still pretty much loved me, but who it just wasn’t a good idea to stay married to anymore.  I’ve always hated exercise, thought of myself as a complete NON-ATHLETE, and I’m working out 5X a week and planning to take part in a 5k with mud and obstacle course!  What. The. Heck!?  And more than that, I’m starting to realize that although there were things I loved about teaching, I don’t want to be a classroom teacher in a K12 public school!  There is an opening right here in my local school and although part of me still feels the urge to apply, I am acutely aware now, that I don’t love trying to make teenagers behave.  I don’t love having to teach to a test.  I don’t love being held responsible for the learning (or failure at learning) of kids who may or may not be having their most basic life needs met outside of school, like a place to live, food to eat, and love and nurture!  But I loved trying to nurture the kids.  I loved trying to show them how much I cared and wanted them to learn, and wanted the best for them.  I just wasn’t good at keeping them under control so as to facilitate that learning process!

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I actually have a possible career change coming, and I’m not going to go into detail about it until I know for sure, but I’m really excited and hopeful about it, because it seems like a very good fit for me with regard to who I am as an educator.  I’m praying it is where God wants me to be and as such, that it works out positively.  Stay tuned for more on that.

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All in all, I am in a very non-angst-y place at the moment.  I’m happy.  I’m active.  I’m full of faith that my Grandma is going to be fine, and that we will get to take our long-awaited trip, and that I am about to find where I belong in the career field I trained for, which is sooooo happiness-inducing!  In short… dudes, Life. Is. Sweet!

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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