The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

White-Coat-and-Hypodermic Rant on the Subject of Attraction July 12, 2013

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Fear sucks.  Can we just get that out of the way right here and now.  Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of embarrassment.  When you don’t really know someone all that well, but you know just enough about them to think you could really like them a lot, but you don’t know if they are in a place where they’re looking for someone, and you don’t know if they see you the same way you see them, because sometimes you get little tiny vibes, but they’re completely unreliable because the object of your attention is equally friendly, kind, charming and respectful to everybody, and also because you have serious self-worth issues and every time you start to think that maybe they do like you, that voice in your head tells you you’re not the type of person someone as awesome as this would ever like, much less love, and you start to decide the vibes are just your own wishful thinking, and while we’re on the topic, why is this still a problem at the AGE of 40?!  High school was a lifetime ago.  Have you really not matured that much??

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And then you stop and breathe.  And all the excuses and the justifications and the reasons why you are and should be alone start creeping in and battling with hope, and you suddenly find you have given up again.  Until the next time you look in his eyes and hope starts stirring and breathing again, and getting to its feet for another round.

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Until next time,

D.

 

When Is St. Patrick’s Day, Again? February 14, 2013

An array of Valentine's Day-connotated candy d...

An array of Valentine’s Day-connotated candy decor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  For starters, is there any holiday that causes more angst than Valentines Day?  I’m thinking no.  Seriously.  I see it from all corners.  There are those (in relationships) who say it is crass and commercial and has nothing to do with real love or the expression of it.  Just generalizing here, but they are probably the ones who forget their anniversary and buy their wives a power saw for Christmas.  Then there are those (in relationships) who stress out over what to get their loved one, because they embrace it as a perfect occasion to go all out in an effort to give an end-all, be-all gift to prove to their beloved what they could say every day if they wanted to, but they don’t.  Instead, they only seem to express their feelings on special occasions. And then there are the ones who express their love regularly, every day, for whom Valentines Day is just another day to be who they are.  Those are the ones whose partners are their biggest cheerleaders on the Social Media Scene, always bragging about them and sharing their love and joy with two or three hundred of their dearest acquaintances, semi-intentionally reminding everyone else that they’re dating or married to an unloving, uncaring, clueless, mouth-breathing clod.  And in addition to all that angst from people who are actually in relationships on V-Day, there are those in the Single camp who fall into only two categories:  Single and Thankful… or Single and Desperately Bitter about it.  Not really any need to define those two, is there?

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Actually there’s a third Single category- “Single and Thankful they’re not married to the spouses of 90% of the people they know, but basically a little bitter that the other 10% seem to have found someone so apparently perfect and why in the name of all that’s sane couldn’t I have made a better choice when I had the chance, so I’d at least maybe fall somewhere between Stuck With Someone I Hate, and I’m So In Love I Make Everyone Hurl.”  Yep, that’s my category, all right.

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I can’t really complain.  My kids got me a card and my mom gave me a single rose, and I know I’m loved and all that.  I’m actually pretty jazzed about all the positives of being single.  I don’t have to put up with someone else’s bad behaviors, bad choices, and bad attitudes. (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I can go where I like and do what I feel like doing without having to get someone’s approval or permission.  I don’t have to compromise on mind-numbing things like new vacuum cleaners and wall paint colors.  I am the one who decides on Vacation Destinations.  (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I could say I don’t have to clean and pick up after someone else, but I can’t even type that with a straight face, and besides, those Perfect Spouse people clean up after themselves and help around the house without being nagged about it.

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So all in all, Valentines Day is just a day to sit back and study sociology.  Watch the efforts of those desperate people who end up in the Dollar Store at 9:30 pm because they don’t want to find themselves sleeping on the couch.  Watch the joy of those who are married to/dating The Perfect People.  Watch those Single Friends who shout the praises of their single state and waiting for God’s Mr. Right For You, and buy chocolate for themselves and eat it alone.  It’s a day for all of that…and to look forward to getting bombed on Saint Patrick’s Day!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Up From Here. Except for the Scale! August 28, 2012

June's multi-colored eyes

This cat kinda looks like I feel!

Hello all.

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Allow me to re-introduce myself.  I am a struggling-with-weight loss, struggling-with-loneliness-and-non-dating, struggling-with-parenting, full-time-working, home-educating, brilliant-but-confused, hot mess.

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Let’s take it from the top, shall we?  I’ve been on a weight loss journey for two years, seven months, and nine days.  My current total loss stands at 116.8, down from an all-time high net loss of 130.6 in June.  I have basically been hovering and bobbing like a cork in the water, weight-wise speaking, for almost this entire calendar year.   Somewhere, I have lost my way.  I have lost my motivation and my drive.  In theory I should congratulate myself on basically maintaining my weight for this long, rather than going into a full-scale retreat and gaining scores of pounds.  But I went to my Weight Watchers meeting tonight, and registered an obscene gain.  Obscene.  I was expecting a gain, but not one that made me want to scream and cuss.  So as of tonight, I am back on track.  I am once again following the WW plan to the letter, even if it kills me.  And it won’t.  I have set new goals and I am going to move forward no matter what.

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Secondly, the struggling with the loneliness and non-dating thing.  This is something that is SUCH a source of confusion and just…being torn.  On one hand, I would really love to find a boyfriend-type person, someone to go out to dinner and a movie with, someone to talk to, someone to hug and kiss on, a little.  I feel like in the dictionary under ‘Needs a Life’ it says ‘See Her.’  BUT.  The kicker is that I usually feel too overwhelmed with all the other stuff I have going on, too busy, too mentally scattered to be in a relationship at this point in my life.  I’ve had one or two minor relationship opportunities/possibilities that have fallen through in the last couple of months, and I have been quite alone in dealing with the disappointment.  But there is also a slight feeling of relief that they never really developed, because I’m not sure I was really ready for them anyway.  And then there’s the question of who am I really looking for and what do I really want in a significant other?  I know you’re thinking, ‘Wait, didn’t we cover this a month ago?’  Well, yeah.  But it’s still on my mind, especially with regard to all the other personality traits, opinions, likes, dislikes, and REALLY dislikes that my 13 Things didn’t cover.  All I know is, I’ve read a LOT of profiles on a major dating site recently.  This could be a whoooole other post, but there are some apparently decent guys out there, and some real wackos, to put it nicely.  So much so that I’m thinking, “Eh.  Dating can wait.  The kids come first.”

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Which leads me directly into the next two points:  1) home-educating is a huge chore, especially when you’re trying to work full time literally at the same time! and 2) getting your High School graduates launched is much more difficult when, despite your half-hearted attempts at trying to do otherwise, they’ve been kept sheltered, coddled, indulged, and allowed to get away with immense amounts of slacker-ness.  I’ve got one daughter I’m trying to get set up with Vocational Rehabilitation services to help her identify and acquire a job that she can do and wants to do, and one daughter who finally at the 11th hour got signed up to take some college classes but still doesn’t have a job and doesn’t drive very much.  All the paperwork, applications, meetings, assessments, etc. is what you might call seriously overwhelming when you’re just one Momma!  (And yes, I could and should delegate some of that responsibility to the slackers-in-question, but haven’t managed to do that yet.)

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So yeah.  Just needed to get all that off my chest.  I was planning to start a new blog about our home-schooling adventures, but haven’t really got the kinks worked out yet.  Stay tuned for that.  Alternate titles I considered for tonight’s post were “If You’re Not in the Mood for Debbie Downer, Skip This One” and “In the Dictionary Under ‘Overwhelmed’…”  but I decided it was best to go with the positive.  Stay with me- it can only go up from here!

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Perfect Match: 13 Things I Will Not Be Without in my Next Relationship Partner! July 4, 2012

"Ai," the traditional Chinese charac...

“Ai,” the traditional Chinese character for love (愛) consists of a heart (middle) inside of “accept,” “feel,” or “perceive,” which shows a graceful emotion. It can also be interpreted as a hand offering ones heart to another hand. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  I visited a website yesterday that I hadn’t been to in over 5 years- eHarmony.  I’m not sure what drew me there, exactly.  Curiosity, maybe?  I wanted to look again at the personality profile I’d made years and YEARS ago, and see how much it had changed, but for some reason it was unavailable.  I wasted a little time updating some profile information, and briefly (VERY briefly) considered forking over the money to have a membership again.  That was before I really looked at the prices and decided it was rather expensive for what it was, and I’d just procrastinate on that particular action a little longer.

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One profile I was able to see was the ‘Ideal Match‘ profile where it tells me in detail all about the person who would, in theory, be perfect for me.  It seemed like a lot of information, too much detail to take in or even share, but I wondered how much of it was relevant now, based on a bunch of questions I answered nearly 10 years ago!  So it got me thinking (And it also happened to be an assignment from my counselor, The Golden Goddess. See ‘Meet the Cast’).  What exactly are the vital qualities in someone I’d like to have in my life?  What do I want that person to be like?  So I whipped out my little notebook and started jotting down some thoughts, and here is what I discovered:

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1) Spirituality/Emotional Strength–  I want a fighter.  I want a faith-filled, non-giver-upper.  But they also need to be comfortable expressing their needs and leaning on me when they need to, and they need to be able to accept my encouragement and strength.  Most importantly, they need to have a strong basic faith/belief system/philosphy that they draw strength from.

2) Passionate–  They love deeply and strongly.  They enjoy every day.  They live to experience life.  They look for beauty and are open to experience.  They love to laugh and are not afraid to cry.

3) Bright/Intelligent/Curious– They can carry on a conversation, express their views and beliefs, and they’re open to learning.  They don’t mind reading a book!

4) Patient/Calm/Low boiling point– They can deal with me (and much more importantly, with my kids!) without losing their temper.  More preferredly, they don’t HAVE a temper!

5) Interested in health and fitness– Not dogmatic or preachy about it, but they care about their body and try to treat it right the majority of the time.  They enjoy some type of physical activity and exercise, and would be open to encouraging and competing with me in that area.

6) Affectionate– They like to hug and kiss, but are not overly showy in public.  They like to demonstrate their love through small gestures.  Fluent in all five Love Languages:  acts, gifts, time, words, touch.

7) Sexually balanced– Not frigid, but not oversexed.  They recognize that physical connection is a vital part of a healthy relationship and they are comfortable expressing needs and discussing problems in that area.

8) Musical/artistic/creative– They enjoy expressing themselves through some sort of creation or performance.  It could be anything- musical, visual, technical, mechanical, stylistic, written, etc.

9) Committed/trustworthy– When they give their word, it is as good as gold.  Whether it’s marriage vows or parental rules, they mean what they say and they stand behind it, and honor it.

10)Responsible (Financially, socially, and personally)- They work.  Financially they contribute equally.  They don’t abuse the environment unnecessarily.  They share equally the work around the house and  wouldn’t mind giving of their time to give back to society if they found the right opportunity.  They are balanced with money- not cheap, but not indiscriminate.  They accept and own their past and their choices, and are not afraid to look back on them, to see the good, try to find value, and look for lessons to apply.

11) Moral/honest/open– They try to do what’s right; they follow the law (mostly.  Speed limits are negotiable. 🙂 ).  They are truthful and they express their feelings and needs, encouraging and inviting me to do the same.  They accept my feelings as valid even if they feel differently.

12) Value autonomy- They recognize that we don’t have to be together every single minute to still be very deeply and strongly connected.  They have interests and they allow me mine, but they never let them come between us.

13) Faithful- They believe with all their soul that I am the best partner they could ever have.  They thank God for bringing me into their life, and they would never, ever, EVER be unfaithful, no matter what.

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So there it is.  The profile of Mr. Right.  It’s somewhat hard for me to put this out there, because I often feel like my kids are all I can handle in my life.  They are a huge focus,  but I very often wish wholeheartedly that I had someone to walk through life with, someone to love.  There are also many times when I think, ‘Well, I’ve had two chances and they’ve both ended.  Maybe that’s all the chances I get and I’m just going to have to learn to be complete in myself and accept my single-ness as permanent.’  Which is a little misleading, because I actually believe I need to be complete in myself anyway, to be able to be complete in a relationship, but that’s beside the point.  The point is, sometimes I feel ready, sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I feel like relationships are overrated, over-complicated, and not worth the time and trouble.  But when I see friends and family finding love, getting married, being happy, feeling like they found their soul mates, I just get a little jealous, darn it!  I long for that, I crave it.  I grieve when I think I may never have it. (And I feel guilty for not being satisfied with where I am, but that’s a whole other post.)

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Ah, love.  Both beautiful and terrible.  Thanks for sharing this with me, and if you really want to make me happy, leave a comment and tell me what’s on your “Won’t be without” list!

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Until next time,

D.

ETA:  I realized that a couple of vital bits of information on this subject were missing or ambiguous:  this person needs to be a man between the ages of 35 and 45.  Notice there is not one mention of physical appearance anywhere on this list.  Physical appearance is very less likely to be important to me than overall health and fitness.  That being said, however, taller than me is a plus. 😀

 

 
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