The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Not Quite Ready to Say Goodbye July 15, 2013

Filed under: Dreams and Passions,Family,Sharing Good Discoveries — DDKlingonGirl @ 2:57 pm

Well, the time has come.  The play opens on Thursday, and this motley crew, as they called us last night in tech rehearsal, only has two more weeks and 8 performances together.  That’s a bittersweetness I didn’t know existed.

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I keep thinking back to those early days of rehearsing, when we sat grouped by voice parts like a choir, barely knew each other, so awkward, so unsure.  Repeating the music over and over, it felt like this moment was forever away.  We didn’t know who was who, what their lives were, what they were capable of showing on the stage.  After weeks of singing, blocking, and The Grind, we know so much more.

*

Now we know that that Nate can make us laugh and cry in the same five minutes.  We know Lee bounces around like Tigger, J0-Jo likes doing pirouettes, William is a joyful clown, and Savannah’s just a standout at everything.  We know that Brigette has a great scream, and Bryn has a high note, but Brian doesn’t; we know that Brian can ACT.  We know Carl is the Set Construction Guru of all time.  We know that trust-falls and carrying “dead” bodies off stage are nerve wracking, and it’s hard to know where to put your hands.  We know that Denise is the queen of props and the Grand Dame of Madam Thenardier’s.  We know that Daniel is wickedly funny and Richard could probably do a one-man version of the show, possibly in his sleep; that Joel is the King of Theater and Collin is the Prince of Pimps.  We know that Dell is a passionate director, and Jeff has the patience of Job.  In short, we were a crowd of strangers.  Now… we are friends.

*

I have learned so much about theater that I had never known.  I learned about upstage and downstage, fly-ins, prop tables, “thank you Five” and “thank you Places.”  I learned that set strike is often a nightmare to be dreaded, and theater cast mate crushes are common.  I have learned that snafus and glitches and marathon rehearsals are part of the process, and cold pizza can taste like a godsend.

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In all of that, what have I learned about me?  I’ve learned that I love this place.  I’ve learned that I can get kind of down when things seem to be falling apart, but I can be a great cheerleader.  I have loved meeting these people, and I can’t believe how much I will miss them when they are no longer a part of my daily life.  I have loved seeing how devoted people are to something larger than themselves.  I have learned that you have to be brave, to reach out, push, stretch, reach, climb.  And when you do, it feels like victory.  I have been blessed to meet the most generous, compassionate, giving, dedicated people and to begin to love them just a little.

*

We have only a few more days of rehearsals, but I know this group, and we will be ready.  To say this is one of the best things I have ever done…is putting it mildly.  To the cast and crew of Ardmore Little Theater’s production of Les Misérables:   Break a Leg, and Vive La France!

Much love and all my best,

D.

 

What I Learned From WD40 March 4, 2013

Tensioner in place on a model year 1999 7.4L a...

Tensioner in place on a model year 1999 7.4L automotive engine, tensioning the serpentine belt. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Something happened the other day that got me thinking.  Now I realize that me thinking is more often than not a dangerous proposition, but just go with it.  So in an effort to be all independent and self-sufficient and grown up and stuff, I decided to fix a problem without asking for help from anybody.  I had a squeak in my car engine.  I had a squeaky belt.  I had a squeaky serpentine belt.  And what, boys and girls, do we do when something squeaks?  By golly, we squirt that sucker with WD40!  I had bought some not long ago for the purpose of de-squeaking the bedroom and bathroom doors, and the garage door, and…ok, don’t laugh, but some stupid thing I saw on Facebook said something about using it to keep the bathroom mirrors from fogging over.

 

 

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So anyway.  I was getting ready to leave for work and I thought it would be an opportune moment to de-squeakify the belt on my car.  I sprayed the belt and all the various little pulleys until I didn’t hear anymore squeaks, and suddenly, there was a clank and a thunk and there was the belt, wound around the motor mount, having slipped right off its little wheel.  (Which is also my current mental state, in case you’re interested.)

 

 

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I called my dad, who didn’t think he could do anything about it and called the shop for me.  I was pretty aggravated about the whole thing of course, because it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on with my car, and I’ve already put quite a bit of money into it, and I really didn’t want to have to throw away any more!  To that end, I talked to someone who volunteers at my church, a lovable old coot who thinks he can do anything.  He was convinced he could fix it and save me some money.  Well, long story short, it turned out he couldn’t.  I ended up taking it to the shop, and it’s still there.  They’re also installing the new headlights I bought on Amazon the other day.

 

 

*

 

 

But the whole thing got me thinking.  It all happened because I was trying to be grown up, self-sufficient, and independent.  Read:  I didn’t want to have to ask my dad what to do about a squeaky engine belt, and I figured WD40 is good for that.  But really, what’s wrong with getting help?  What’s wrong with asking for help?  Where did I get the idea that being a grown-up means you never need anybody?  Is it such a bad thing in today’s society to be dependent upon others?  So I thought about it, and I decided that maybe the idea came from how I felt through several years of receiving food stamps, state medical coverage for the kids, etc.   I always felt a sense of shame about it, always overhearing comments and perceiving peoples’ attitudes.  On a similar note, I also have a lot of conflicting emotions when I find myself wishing I had a man in my life and then feeling a vague, feminist guilt for not being completely thrilled and content being on my own.

 

 

*

 

 

But the thing is, I think sometimes people have the same conflict about God.  We need Him, but for some weird reason, we don’t want to.  We forget that it’s ok to need God.  That it’s not a bad thing to pray, to ask God for what we need, what we want… thanks to a little cultural indoctrination, we have internalized this idea that it’s a really bad thing to need help, that to be a woman, an adult, we have to do things on our own, to figure things out on our own.   But thanks to a little injudicious use of WD40 and a tendency toward stubbornness,  I was able to learn a little something.  Being an independent, self-sufficient adult does not mean we will never need help.  We will always need our parents and our friends and family, and there is nothing wrong with that.  And we will definitely always need God, and that is the way it’s supposed to be.

 

 

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Until next time,

 

 

D.

 

 

 

From the Heart November 2, 2012

sunrise

sunrise (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Hello all.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I have so much to say, I just hope and pray I can say it right.

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All over Facebook, yesterday, today, and for the rest of this month, many of your friends will be doing the Thankfulness thing.  You know, every day, you post something you’re thankful for in an effort to increase overall thankfulness and warm fuzzy feelings in general.  I plan to jump on the bandwagon of course, because I’m just a Facebook nerd like that, but mainly because I think it’s important to acknowledge the good things in our lives and the blessings and favors we enjoy every minute of every day, if only our eyes are open wide enough to see them.

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So today on the way to work, I was running earlier than I normally do.  It’s Friday, I get to leave The Boy at home with his sisters, so I’m able to get going a little earlier than we do the rest of the week.  Love it.  Anyway, I’m driving east, and the sun is right in my eyes.  Yesterday on my way home, I was grousing about the sun being in my eyes, and how I’d give anything if the little magnet that holds my clip-on sunglasses on my prescription glasses hadn’t fallen off and gotten lost so that I now have no functioning sunglasses.  But looking at the sunrise this morning, seeing the way the light streaks sideways through the blue of the sky, instead of feeling put out, complaining about the sun being in my face, I tried to think about thankfulness.  I tried to think about how lucky I am to get to see that beautiful example of God‘s care for us:  light and warmth.  I tried to just absorb and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and think how very grateful I am that I have my sight and I don’t have to live in constant darkness.  I tried to notice how the light of early morning just seems to make even the most mundane things a little more beautiful, and I was thankful for the grace to be thankful for something I was just complaining about yesterday.

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And as I said, I’m a big Fb person, and my first status of the day started forming in my head during the drive to work:

Ok, y’all, I want you to do something:  go outside.  Right now.  Face the sun.  Throw your arms open wide, as wide as they’ll go.  Throw your head back.  Feel the sun on your face.  Breathe deep, deep.  Get your lungs as full as they’ll go with the cool, crisp, fresh morning air.  Now let loose with a ‘Jack-Dawson-on-the-bow-of-Titanic, Harry-Potter-on-the-hippogriff’ WHOOOOOO!!!

That’s how I feel today.  And I’m thankful for it.  🙂

 

*

So then I get to work.  I walk in the door and see a little card propped in my keyboard on my desk.  It’s from my co-worker/boss, and here’s what it says:

I just wanted to write you a letter of encouragement.  It is hard to believe that it has already been a year since you started working here!  You have done a fantastic job and you were really a life saver!  We really don’t know what we would have done without your help!  The other day you were talking about how you weren’t really sure who you are and where your value comes from.  Well, first know that your value comes from God- and that is your purpose in life.  To serve Him.  If none of us had anything, we would still have everything because we have God.  Second, know that you are doing a good job at raising your children.  I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you to raise 3 children basically by yourself, but I can tell you’re putting all you have into it.  You are doing a great job even though I know at times you may get discouraged. Keep on keeping on!  Finally, you are doing a wonderful job here!  This work is reaching millions and millions of souls with the Gospel.  That is an important role and responsibility and you have and are doing a great job!  Just keep up the hard work and remember how appreciated and needed you are by all!

In Christ,

KP

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Now if that wasn’t a great way to start a day, I don’t know what was!  So I had to stop and be thankful for KP and all that I’m learning from him as a co-worker and boss who is so very rooted and grounded in everything God.  And then I booted up my computer and started working on things, and as I usually do, I browsed through some of the headlines on Yahoo.  I started reading some of the hurricane stories, and y’all… I know there are millions of people who have been affected.  Hundreds of thousands who still are without power, without running water…  I know that there are hundreds of thousands who have suffered and are suffering.  But my heart is with Glenda Moore more than any other.  She’s the woman who put her babies on top of the car to try to save them from the storm, and they got washed away anyway, and their bodies were just found recently.  Dear God in Heaven, how I feel for that woman!  How I pray that she knows that people all over the country and probably the world by now are sharing in her sorrow and praying for her comfort, and crying tears of sympathy with her.  I wish I knew some practical way to help, not only her, but all the storm victims.  I’m praying for them, for sure, and maybe right now that’s all I can do, but maybe it’s the most important thing.

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I can’t really think of a neat, tidy way to wrap this up, but maybe I just need to let what I’ve already said have its moment.  Blessings and love in Christ to all who read this.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Milestones, Recovery, and Improvement July 26, 2010

Hello all.  Tonight my post is dedicated to recovery.  Recovery from what, you ask?  Well, mainly recovery from writer’s block!  I’m not promising this post will be brilliant or even entertaining, but at least it will exist! 

Tomorrow is my Weight Watchers meeting.  I haven’t talked about that lately because I got on the ‘talking about books’ kick.  I gained 1.4 last week when we went to Branson.  I wasn’t terribly distraught because it wasn’t a huge gain and if I hadn’t been trying to be somewhat careful, it might have been five pounds!  Unfortunately, I haven’t done any better this week.  I haven’t eaten any healthier, and there have been a couple of days when I’ve just felt completely out of control.  I’m now reduced to cheating:  water pills today and tomorrow, and I’m actually donating blood before weigh-in! 

However.  I am definitely going to pull my cranium out of my rectum and get my stuff together this week.  I’ve got what feels like a million things I need to do in the next few weeks.  Small sampling:  send off for birth certificates so daughter can get driver’s permit, get referral from doctor so I can take daughter to dermatologist for acne like I should have done- what, like 2 years ago?  Make dermatologist appointment.  Make back-to-school dental appointments for kids.  Shop for school supplies.  Continue to search for photos and videos for my 20-year class reunion. 

I would add ‘try to work on cleaning out garage and/or storage shed,’ but I’ve been saying that for a year now.  On a related note, the kids and I have been back in our house for almost a year now!  It’s hard to believe.  August 10 marks one year since the kids and I moved back into our house after it was rebuilt from a house fire. 

We’ve come a long way in some respects, and we’re still in a huge rut in others.  I think, overall, we’re all happier than we were before the fire (and consequently, before the marital separation.)  I hate to admit it, but it’s true.  I think there is more peace.  Unfortunately though, we still have a really bad habit of simply cohabitating.  We share the same space, but we aren’t very connected.  Two 16 year-old girls, a nine year-old boy, and a Mom who’s about to turn 38.  And most evenings, one of us is on the computer, one of us is playing Playstation games, one of us is reading a book, and one of us is texting and listening to an iPod.  Sometimes all in the same room, sometimes not, but those are our regular pursuits.  We talk a little, share thoughts a little, but it’s not all cozy and Brady Bunch-y.  It makes me feel like we’re failing somehow.  Like I’m failing.

On the positive side, we have one teenage girl who is no longer severely depressed.  We have a soon-to-be 3rd grader who is no longer third-world skinny and who is much more even-tempered and often pleasant.  And we have a mom who has been trying to fix healthier foods and who has managed a 50+ pound weight loss in the last 7 months. 

There’s nothing on my walls, though!  We’ve been back in the house almost a year, and if it were not for my sisters and the work they put in last September for my birthday, the very few pictures and things that are on the walls would probably not be there.  The curtains are still held up with tension rods, some windows don’t even have curtains, there are no blinds, and most of the space is bare. 

See, here’s where I’m struggling!  I can either focus on our health and our food, or on housecleaning and homemaking, or on our behavior and relations, but it feels next to impossible to do that all at the same time!  I am simply not a superhero.  In a few short weeks, we’ll be adding school and all its pressures and pains back into that equation!

I understand I’m not the only single mom in the world, and I have it a lot easier than most.  I have parents who help me, health care for my kids, food benefits from DHS, and low income housing.  I have a car that runs, a job with bosses who are flexible, caring, and supportive, and an education that will allow me to find a better job when the economy improves. 

So am I asking too much of me, of all of us, when I’m trying to be Betty Crocker, June Cleaver, and Dr. Phil all at the same time?  I know there is always room for improvement, always a way to do better.  But maybe I’d be better off just learning to savor days and moments.  Making sure there is a bond forged between my and my kids, and between them and each other, that makes all the housekeeping, health-food eating, perfect-family-game-night stuff secondary. Maybe I need to realize all of that is not nearly as crucial as all of us just knowing that even if we’re not playing charades and eating homemade health food in a spotless house that looks like a Martha Stewart photo shoot, we’re still a good family and we’re still ok!

Maybe I’m onto something. 

Until next time,

D.

 

Have I Mentioned Lately How Much I Love Books? July 21, 2010

Hello all.  I got the idea to write another entry about books from a comment I left on Mighty Maggie’s blog.  (Humorous blog.  Never dull.  Go read her! Wait, finish me first!) I have written previously about the different books I’ve read and the books that are now movies, and the books I can’t help buying from Hastings.  But now!  Oh, now I have two classics to read that I’ve never gotten around to reading before, and I can’t wait to get more into them.

I borrowed them from baby sister.  As mentioned recently, she is an interior designer, so she has a lot of things on her shelves that are basically just meant to look good.  But her back room bookshelf is just where she keeps her books, and after she explained her system (books organized by genre and then by author) she was kind and trusting enough to let me borrow a couple of them!  I’m sure she had misgivings- as much as I love books, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not as careful with them as I could be.  They tend to get abused, a little.

In spite of her fears, she loaned me two books:  Vanity Fair and Mansfield Park.  I realize it’s hard to believe that as an English major I managed to graduate without reading either of these, but I did.  We could get into a whole long debate about canon and classics and so forth, but it’s enough to say that I did read a lot of other books in college, and I enjoyed reading them.  Except this one book Dr. Spencer assigned that I never DID get through, whose title escapes me now, but it was dreadfully boring, the first chapter or so that I actually read, so I gave up.  OH!  Tristram Shandy.  Lord in Heaven, but I struggled with that book!

Anyway.  I started reading Vanity Fair last night.  It was very difficult to get into at first, but I’m thinking it will get better.  I had told little sister she was going to get her books back this weekend when she brings Daughter S. home, but now I’m afraid she will not.  I won’t even be finished with VF, let alone MP.  I’ve been writing too much, so she’ll just have to wait. 

And speaking of writing.  I was looking through my poetry files yesterday, trying to find the poem I wrote for the last class reunion, to read it again at this class reunion, because I’m just an attention hound like that.  Anyway, I started finding all this work I’d written and while some of it makes me want to throw on a fake mustache and move to another country, some of it makes me just want to do a little victory dance and go “Damn, I’m good!”  I’ll put some of it on my poetry page soon.   I know I said a while back that I would be putting up a lot of new stuff on that page and none of it has materialized, but never fear.  This time I mean it. 

Hmm.  I started to talk about how posting poetry is so much more difficult for me because it’s generally much more personal and deeply felt than my blogging, but really it’s not that different.  My writing in this blog is personal and I often write about very deep feelings and hurts and fears, but somehow poetry seems different.  I have more apprehension about the critique of my poetry than my blog.  Many times, the Therapy Journals just feels like something I do, but the poetry is something I’ve given birth to- it’s part of me.  And much of it is written from my worst pain and deepest dark places, so it’s pure vulnerability scrawled across the page. 

Anyway.  I’ll pick out some particularly good ones and put them up as soon as I can.  And since I used that word, particularly, it reminded me of the new book I’d really like to read.  I’ve been seeing reviews for it in magazines, and mostly I just like the title.  But it’s called “The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake.”  It’s about this girl who realizes she has an ability to “taste” people’s emotions in the food they cook.  And through their emotions, she discovers all their secrets and all the things she never really wanted to know about anybody.  It sounds very intriguing.  If somebody really loves me, they can get me that book for my birthday.  It’s coming up in September, you know, but I’m trying not to think about it, because I’m turning 38 and that feels like Almost Dead!  I know, it’s ridiculous to be thinking like that, especially because one never knows when one might unexpectedly be dead.  38’s not that old.  That’s why I’m trying to learn to love life every day and every minute.  It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there. 

Until next time,

D.

 

Things I Know After Yesterday’s Post… May 7, 2010

Hello all!  Wow- yesterday’s post was my second-highest read ever.  Certainly it inspired some great comments and conversations in different forums.  I want to thank those who read and commented.  Please know that I do have peace with the situation.  I know I am forgiven for anything I’ve done that was wrong, and I know that being legally divorced is where I need to be at this point, for the reasons of abandonment and irreconcilable differences.  (Aside from the emotional aspect, the hardest part is finding the $$!) I know God knows my mind and heart because He made me.  Because of this, I know that if He wants me to find love again and be married again someday, He will propel the right person into my path. 

I know that the most important things in my life are my family and friends, and trying to influence them to join me in loving God and believing in Jesus, and living so that we’ll someday see Heaven.  That’s all I’ve ever tried to do.

Thanks again for reading, for commenting, and for being seekers on the journey with me!  And maybe after this post, I can get on with the business of trying to be funny!

Love and blessings to all! 

Until next time,

D.

 

3 Movies: What I Loved and Learned from Meryl, George, and Emily May 2, 2010

Hello all.   This weekend has been a pretty good one.  Because the other two are at Campfire camp, Daughter S. and I have been by ourselves since Friday after school.  Friday night we went out to eat at the local Italian place, Luigi’s, and rented movies.  The three movies we rented were all so different, and they made me think about a lot of different things that I wanted to share in this entry.

The first movie we watched was It’s Complicated, with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.   I really enjoyed this movie, because it was about a strong, independent woman taking chances and risks and doing what she needed to do to learn about herself and to discover how to be happy.  I could really relate.  I loved the parts where she was having dinner with her best friends and they could talk and share what they were doing in their lives, and be honest without fear of judgement.  I liked how the character of Jane took charge of her life and made the changes she wanted to make for herself and nobody else. 

The second movie we watched was called The Young Victoria.  It was a costume drama about Queen Victoria of England before and immediately after she first came to the throne.  Here again was a story of a strong, intelligent woman who could hold her own in a man’s world.  Emily Blunt played Victoria.  The movie had a lot of other great English actors in it, but that wasn’t the best part.  The part I liked best was how she made her own choices and stood by them, whether they were popular or not.  She knew that even if she made mistakes, they were her mistakes and she would own them.  I loved the passion between her and Prince Albert, how even though they were drawn together by outside forces, they were lucky enough to see each other for themselves and to fall in love on their own.  It also made me think about medicine and childbirth in that time period, because they had nine children!!  I’ve only had one child that wasn’t by c-section, and that was with an epidural.  I cannot imagine going through it nine times, with no pain relief, and no technology.  Even though she was the Queen and she probably had the absolute best care available at that time, I can’t imagine the strength she must have had!  And then the fact that amazed me was that their descendants have become the royal families of about 10 countries!  Just incredible.

The third movie I watched was Up In the Air starring George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, and Anna Kendrick.  This movie just depressed me and ticked me off.    It was about a clueless corporate guy who fires people for a living and gets his thrills from committment-free sex and the elite status of his ever-increasing air miles.  He was also a motivational speaker whose message was basically ‘Let go of everything and everybody in your life, keep yourself free of baggage, and you’ll be happy.  Yeah, you’ll die alone, but your life will have less crap in it.’  Then he gets all sentimental about this woman he’s been seeing and he tries to get more emotionally involved with her and the other people in his life, only to get kicked in the teeth by finding out she’s married and has a family.  Then he achieves his goal in life of racking up 10 MILLION air miles and it means absolutely nothing.  He can’t even remember why it was so important.

After this movie, I went to bed feeling. so. bad!  It was like nothing mattered.  I wanted to take my blog down, blow off the class reunion, tell all my friends to take a flying leap, never be a teacher again, give up on losing weight, and just throw in the towel on everything.  I don’t know exactly why I had this mood crash, but it was awful.  I just let it go and went to sleep, but this morning still woke up feeling blah. 

Today hasn’t at all gone the way I planned so far.  We’re missing church, partly because I waited too long to get up and get ready  because I was messing with blog stuff and messaging on Facebook, but also because Daughter S. had an allergy/sinus attack yesterday and today has a raging sore throat from the drainage.  I had planned to get up early and make it to Sunday School and enjoy going to church, just me and Daughter S., but I guess we can go tonight.

Anyway.  I think the only thing I can learn from this Movie Weekend experience is that I absolutely have to keep working on the things that matter.  I have to keep working on my weight loss, and keep up with my housecleaning, and keep working on trying to be a better parent, and especially keep believing in my writing and relationship dreams.  We all have baggage in life- we’re all going to have baggage.  But I can still be strong and independent, I can make my own choices and mistakes and own them and stand by them.  I can let go of the things that don’t matter, but not everything, because a life free of ties is no life at all.  It’s a drifting, pointless journey.  I don’t mind drifting, but I can’t handle pointless. 

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Broadside

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Mostly Bright Ideas

Some of these thoughts may make sense. But don't count on it.

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A Clean Surface.

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She Likes Purple

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Crazy with a side of Awesome Sauce

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musings of a madwoman

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Glam-O-Mommy

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happily ever me

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mighty maggie

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Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths