The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

From the Heart November 2, 2012

sunrise

sunrise (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Hello all.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I have so much to say, I just hope and pray I can say it right.

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All over Facebook, yesterday, today, and for the rest of this month, many of your friends will be doing the Thankfulness thing.  You know, every day, you post something you’re thankful for in an effort to increase overall thankfulness and warm fuzzy feelings in general.  I plan to jump on the bandwagon of course, because I’m just a Facebook nerd like that, but mainly because I think it’s important to acknowledge the good things in our lives and the blessings and favors we enjoy every minute of every day, if only our eyes are open wide enough to see them.

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So today on the way to work, I was running earlier than I normally do.  It’s Friday, I get to leave The Boy at home with his sisters, so I’m able to get going a little earlier than we do the rest of the week.  Love it.  Anyway, I’m driving east, and the sun is right in my eyes.  Yesterday on my way home, I was grousing about the sun being in my eyes, and how I’d give anything if the little magnet that holds my clip-on sunglasses on my prescription glasses hadn’t fallen off and gotten lost so that I now have no functioning sunglasses.  But looking at the sunrise this morning, seeing the way the light streaks sideways through the blue of the sky, instead of feeling put out, complaining about the sun being in my face, I tried to think about thankfulness.  I tried to think about how lucky I am to get to see that beautiful example of God‘s care for us:  light and warmth.  I tried to just absorb and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and think how very grateful I am that I have my sight and I don’t have to live in constant darkness.  I tried to notice how the light of early morning just seems to make even the most mundane things a little more beautiful, and I was thankful for the grace to be thankful for something I was just complaining about yesterday.

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And as I said, I’m a big Fb person, and my first status of the day started forming in my head during the drive to work:

Ok, y’all, I want you to do something:  go outside.  Right now.  Face the sun.  Throw your arms open wide, as wide as they’ll go.  Throw your head back.  Feel the sun on your face.  Breathe deep, deep.  Get your lungs as full as they’ll go with the cool, crisp, fresh morning air.  Now let loose with a ‘Jack-Dawson-on-the-bow-of-Titanic, Harry-Potter-on-the-hippogriff’ WHOOOOOO!!!

That’s how I feel today.  And I’m thankful for it.  🙂

 

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So then I get to work.  I walk in the door and see a little card propped in my keyboard on my desk.  It’s from my co-worker/boss, and here’s what it says:

I just wanted to write you a letter of encouragement.  It is hard to believe that it has already been a year since you started working here!  You have done a fantastic job and you were really a life saver!  We really don’t know what we would have done without your help!  The other day you were talking about how you weren’t really sure who you are and where your value comes from.  Well, first know that your value comes from God- and that is your purpose in life.  To serve Him.  If none of us had anything, we would still have everything because we have God.  Second, know that you are doing a good job at raising your children.  I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you to raise 3 children basically by yourself, but I can tell you’re putting all you have into it.  You are doing a great job even though I know at times you may get discouraged. Keep on keeping on!  Finally, you are doing a wonderful job here!  This work is reaching millions and millions of souls with the Gospel.  That is an important role and responsibility and you have and are doing a great job!  Just keep up the hard work and remember how appreciated and needed you are by all!

In Christ,

KP

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Now if that wasn’t a great way to start a day, I don’t know what was!  So I had to stop and be thankful for KP and all that I’m learning from him as a co-worker and boss who is so very rooted and grounded in everything God.  And then I booted up my computer and started working on things, and as I usually do, I browsed through some of the headlines on Yahoo.  I started reading some of the hurricane stories, and y’all… I know there are millions of people who have been affected.  Hundreds of thousands who still are without power, without running water…  I know that there are hundreds of thousands who have suffered and are suffering.  But my heart is with Glenda Moore more than any other.  She’s the woman who put her babies on top of the car to try to save them from the storm, and they got washed away anyway, and their bodies were just found recently.  Dear God in Heaven, how I feel for that woman!  How I pray that she knows that people all over the country and probably the world by now are sharing in her sorrow and praying for her comfort, and crying tears of sympathy with her.  I wish I knew some practical way to help, not only her, but all the storm victims.  I’m praying for them, for sure, and maybe right now that’s all I can do, but maybe it’s the most important thing.

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I can’t really think of a neat, tidy way to wrap this up, but maybe I just need to let what I’ve already said have its moment.  Blessings and love in Christ to all who read this.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Night and Day, and the Difference Between the Two November 17, 2011

Compact Disc

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all!  Yes, I realize it’s been a dog’s age since I updated.  I apologize.  Really.  Things are so different now than they had been at the time of my last few posts.  Some things are better, some not so better, but right now I am on an upward spike in the old mood graph, so let’s just go with that, shall we?  The biggest, most awesome news  is that I escaped from my job!  Yes, Virginia, I actually broke free of the cult-like pull of a place I had been for 10 years and took a step in a new and different direction, and it’s not even teaching high school English!  The new job is kind of in a field all it’s own.  You could call it ministry, you could call it television/radio broadcasting, but basically I am the new secretary for an evangelistic tv program called The Gospel of Christ.  It is under the supervision of the elders at one of the churches of Christ here.  I have a wide range of duties, including your usual secretary stuff, answering phones, taking messages, but in addition to that, I package and ship all the CDs and DVDs that go out, I enter donations received and pay the bills and do payroll and taxes, I order supplies, I send the media to our tv and radio stations, I burn the discs from new master recordings, design and print the disc labels, send out supporter letters, etc.

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So yeah, it’s definitely a departure from the Trained Monkey world I was in before.  And best of all… no crazy co-worker who hates me!  I’m in a Christian environment, with people who are young and energetic and passionate about what they are doing.  I’m learning new things that challenge my brain, and I am literally working for God!  It’s pretty awesome.

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Despite its numerous advantages though, there are a few drawbacks, extremely minor in nature.  I’m now putting the same number of work hours per week into 5 days instead of 6, plus I am still at my old job on Saturdays through the end of the year.  That means I have to be at work earlier in the day, which has rather wrought havoc with my exercise schedule.  I have dropped out of TurboKick class for a month or two because I am trying to get caught up on bills while also saving money for the girls’ birthday and Christmas.  In addition to that, the pay raise looks great on paper, but only resulted in about a $50 per paycheck increase in my net pay.  Not what I was hoping for, but it will do for now.  (I expect that when things settle down around here after the transition, they will realize they can afford to give me a substantial raise.)  The major negative about this job is that it does involve a lot of sitting on my caboose, which was not something I got to do very often at my old job.  This in turn makes me worry about the likelihood that my caboose will notice an increase in mass and volume, translating to an increase in size, which will make me very unhappy.  More on that in a minute.  Another drawback is that certain relationships at my old work, long and generally amiable relationships, have, I fear, suffered irreparable damage by my leaving and the timing of it all.  Coming up on Christmas in the pack and ship business, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth to a boss you’ve worked for, for more than 10 years, to suddenly take a new job on only a week’s notice. (But in all fairness, it was a now or never kind of thing.)  Worse, I’m no longer as close as I was to the few people there I did like, and worst, I was left out of a raise that was given to everybody else the week after I stopped being there full time, even though I’m still working Saturdays through the rest of the year.  That hurt, let me tell ya. I still haven’t had a talk with the boss about that one, but will hopefully have a chance to do so while I’m there this Saturday.

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All in all, though, it has been a change for the better, I think.  I don’t know what to expect about how long I will be here or where this will take me, but I am hoping that eventually it might become a part-time job that I do in addition to being a Weight Watchers leader and writer.  I have continued to attend Weight Watchers meetings, even though I honestly feel I have been sort of “phoning it in” for a while now.  By that I mean I haven’t really, truly dedicated myself to staying on Plan, but have been eating almost whatever I want, not counting the points, and depending on the 4x a week Turbo classes to keep me out of trouble.  I realized with a significant degree of dismay that this was not going to work for me any longer when I dropped out of turbo and gained weight two weeks in a row!  (By the way, I know only two weeks ago I was all fired up about Simply Recommitting and getting back on track with WW, but unfortunately I had not been able to make it happen until this week.)

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In case anybody was wondering when I was going to get around to it, the title of this post is a figurative reference both to how much happier I am at this new job versus where I was before, and also the difference a little extra motion makes in my weight loss journey.  But I am actually trying to look at this short break from Turbo as a good time to get back to essentials on the WW plan.  I want to really re-familiarize myself with the PointsPlus values of foods so that the overall picture stays clear in my head.  That probably makes absolutely no sense to anybody.  But the title is also referring to the difference between yesterday and today for me, because yesterday was one of those days that I think we all have every now and then (I hope to goodness I’m not the only one!) where we just sort of hate ourselves and our lives and everything we own!  That sounds pretty extreme, but in all honesty, The Boy and his twins sisters have been driving me berserk lately with their constant bickering and fussing, their complete lack of motivation to be much help around the house, and their entitled attitude in general.   In addition to that, my car kept dying when I was taking the kids to school, I couldn’t find any decent clothes to wear, and I had lost my temper with The Boy before we even left the house.

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Today, on the other hand, I’ve been in a great mood, didn’t mind my clothes (or lack thereof), the car didn’t die, and I got the kids out of the house and taken to school without any major breakdowns!  Furthermore, today at work has been a lot of fun, what with the guys trying to re-build and decorate the studio set and a few other goofy mishaps, and I’ve stayed on plan with WW, so it’s just been a much better day than tomorrow.  And isn’t that always a blessing?!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

Simply Recommitting October 10, 2011

Hello all.  You know, sometimes, when I’m going through my day thinking, “I REALLY need to write a blog entry, I really need to update, etc.” I’ll sit down and try to write an entry and nothing really comes.  Often, I will just keep writing, rambling, ranting, and I’ll post the result, whether it’s good or bad, like that’s a cure for writer’s block, but it doesn’t mean that what I wrote has any quality to it.  That post may not necessarily be my true voice.  There’s something wrong with that.  There’s something wrong with a lot of things, and I am in the mood to change that.

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I went to a revival-type church service tonight that was sponsored by my sister’s church.  I had never heard of the speaker, a man named Ken Freeman.  My sister attends a Baptist church, but I got the feeling this man was inter-denominational in his preaching career, meaning he didn’t just go to one type of church.  His message was about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘great,’ and how we have to let go of certain things in order to fully accept God’s grace and blessings.  I realized there were a lot of things I have been holding on to, and I need to let go and re-commit.  I need to re-commit, not just in my spiritual life, but in everything- my job, my parenting, my health and fitness, and even my writing here. 

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So that’s what I’m doing.  Starting tonight, I am re-committing my life.  I am going to re-dedicate myself to my weight loss, my writing, my parenting, and most of all to a life that is dominated by Love.  Love for God, and love for my fellow human.  I need to work on showing Jesus to others through my life.  I’ve been in an ongoing cold war with a co-worker for weeks now, and I’ve made weak, pitiful attempts to pretend I was reaching out to her, to delude myself into thinking I was the bigger person by praying for her, but in reality I wasn’t willing to let go and truly acknowledge that I haven’t always been the Christian I am supposed to be.  I gave it lip-service, but I wasn’t willing to completely let down the barriers.  I’m still not.  I know I can’t trust her to be real and honest.  She is an excellent actor and faker- I’ve seen it.  My point is that I can’t worry about that.  I have to just say ‘You know what?  I’m recommitting to living for Jesus, and because I am, I choose to love you.  You can think what you want about me, you can like me or hate me, but I choose to love you in Jesus’ name, whether I can trust you or not.’  And really mean it, because I didn’t before.  I wanted to mean it, but the selfish, immature part of me said ‘Why do you have to mean it?  It doesn’t make any difference.  She’s not accepting your overtures, your gestures, your attempts.  What difference does it make if you really mean it?’  But I know now that I have to forgive all that, I have to forgive what she’s done to me, the hurt she has caused me, and I have to love her in Christ, and I cannot allow myself to add anything else to that sentence.  My judgement of her is irrelevant. 

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In addition to this, I have to be brave enough to re-commit to my health and fitness efforts.  I have done well.  I can say that.  I have lost almost one hundred and twenty pounds in almost 2 years.  But I have not been fully committed.  I have chosen to take easier roads- skip workouts, eat junk food.  I signed up for another 5k mud run as a volunteer, knowing I would be allowed to participate in the race for free as a volunteer, but thinking I wasn’t obligated to do the race if I chose not to.  That wasn’t committment, that was fear.  I completed the first one, the Dirty 30, back in July.  I did it on adrenaline, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what kinds of obstacles I’d face, but determined to tackle them no matter what.  In this next race, I know what kinds of things I might see, and I feared them.  I was afraid I didn’t have it in me to put that much effort out again, but now- I know I need to re-commit.  I need to grasp the fact that I have the strength to finish that race, complete the obstacles (or go around them if I have to) and finish.  I can’t be afraid that I might twist an ankle or a knee- I just have to take the steps. 

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I realize this entry has had a serious tone.  I usually like to try to be funny here, and I hope I succeed at that sometimes.  But tonight was a night for seriousness.  I had a talk with my kids on the way home from the revival tonight, because I have been really concerned for them in their spiritual lives, because they have not yet obeyed the gospel and been baptized.  Despite what some people may say or believe, I truly believe what I have been taught, that baptism is the point at which we are saved, and I want my children to be baptized and commit to living their lives for God.  I believe it is on their heart to do it, but they just haven’t taken the step.  I am praying that they make that decision soon, but at least I took the opportunity to share with them what I want for them- the peace that comes with knowing they are saved. 

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I’m not saying I have it all figured out, or that there aren’t sometimes brief moments when I question everything I’ve ever heard and wonder if maybe, possibly, it could all be crap.  But when it comes down to it, I’d rather just believe what I believe than buy into “something from nothing, for no reason, with no purpose, and nothing after, and nothing matters.”  It’s just not enough.

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And in the middle of all this recommitting, loving, being brave, and trying to bring my kids to heaven with me, I am going to embrace all I can possibly accomplish in this life that is fun and joyful and meaningful.  To that end, I can announce that my daughters’ senior trip in May is a done deal!  I booked the airfare today, so Lord willing, we’re definitely going!  We’re going to be Royal Carribean cruising fools!  Wooo hooooo!  Allure of the Seas, here we come!

Until next time,

D.

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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