The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Goodbye and Be Well… September 17, 2013

View off of White Point at Charleston, South C...

View off of White Point at Charleston, South Carolina, U.S.A. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Today is a tough day all of a sudden.  I have been thinking about some things and people related to the Great Summer Theater Experience, trying to really come to some conclusions and just let go of a few things.  And when I say let go of things, what I really mean is people.  Crushes and friendships that just don’t really have any viability in their current incarnations, that I have to just kiss on their figurative foreheads and let them go.  I’m trying to do that.  I am trying so hard.

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And then I get on Facebook and see a friend’s engagement pictures, and at first I’m jealous.  But then I tell myself, “No, I do not want to be jealous.  I am going to be happy.  Happy that some people are where they are supposed to be.  Happy that people are content, and settled in who they are, and where they are, and where they are going.”  But then ‘Margaritaville’ comes up on my iTunes, and I think, ‘You know…I would really love to just take a moment right now and escape.  I would give anything to be sitting in a beach chair under an umbrella, with something cold and fruity in my hand, the breeze blowing, the sound and smell of crystal blue waves, and absolutely nowhere else to be.  I would love to be able to just sit there and think, and not think, and just be there until I was OK, really, truly OK with where I am and where I am going.’  I feel that would take a long, long time.

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But thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, I have an opportunity just on the horizon for that escape I am needing, and it absolutely could not come at a better time.  The Blathering 2013 is just over two weeks away.  Charleston, South Carolina.  A city I have never visited, but really look forward to seeing.  Meeting some more new people, finding my tribe, maybe.  I am hoping that I will be able to strike a balance between enjoying the other attendees, meeting people, making friends, and also taking plenty of time for my own relaxation and reflection.  Giving myself time to just…Be.  Just be.  Just stop a moment on the journey and be where I am.

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I’m not sure why that is so hard in everyday life, that ‘just stopping for a moment on the path’ thing.  Between work issues and social issues and kid issues and relationship and church issues, I feel like I REALLY need quietness today.  I need a moment of introspection and deep meditation.  (I’m quite proud of myself- I actually just listened to my own need and turned off my iTunes.)  I might actually lie right down in the floor and just try to center for a bit.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

I’ve Recently Been Inspired… August 6, 2013

Hello all.  If you’ve been reading here for quite a while, or if you know me in real life at all, you know I write a lot of things:  this blog, organizational and packing lists, dorky Facebook posts.  But you should also know that I write poems.  Or what I consider poems, anyway.  They may not fit some people’s definition.  But anyway.  I have posted a lot of my old stuff under the Poetry and Fiction tab at the top of this page, but sometimes I post individual entries that have a new poem in them as well.

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So I haven’t written anything in a while, but I’ve recently been inspired again.  I just wrote the poem you’re about to read a few minutes ago, and as it’s the first thing I’ve really written in quite some time, I wanted to give it center stage on its own before I added it to the Poetry page.  Here you go:

“Actor”

Actor, I see your face.

As hard as you try,

your skills aren’t sharp enough

to hide your pain.

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I see you,

a man spread so paper thin

we can see sunlight through you.

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I know a hint of your story,

but nowhere near the whole.

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I know the things you don’t say,

that the forces you struggle and fight against

often swallow you alive.

*

And it takes all your considerable strength

to climb out again.

*

In some ways,

I have been there.

How I wish I could be the one

to reach a hand down to you

And pull you up into the light.

DD

8-6-13

1:30 PM

 

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

White-Coat-and-Hypodermic Rant on the Subject of Attraction July 12, 2013

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Fear sucks.  Can we just get that out of the way right here and now.  Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of embarrassment.  When you don’t really know someone all that well, but you know just enough about them to think you could really like them a lot, but you don’t know if they are in a place where they’re looking for someone, and you don’t know if they see you the same way you see them, because sometimes you get little tiny vibes, but they’re completely unreliable because the object of your attention is equally friendly, kind, charming and respectful to everybody, and also because you have serious self-worth issues and every time you start to think that maybe they do like you, that voice in your head tells you you’re not the type of person someone as awesome as this would ever like, much less love, and you start to decide the vibes are just your own wishful thinking, and while we’re on the topic, why is this still a problem at the AGE of 40?!  High school was a lifetime ago.  Have you really not matured that much??

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And then you stop and breathe.  And all the excuses and the justifications and the reasons why you are and should be alone start creeping in and battling with hope, and you suddenly find you have given up again.  Until the next time you look in his eyes and hope starts stirring and breathing again, and getting to its feet for another round.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Poetry and Duets April 3, 2013

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD (Photo credit: summonedbyfells)

Hello all.  Well, not 5 minutes ago, I discovered that April is National Poetry Writing Month, or NaPoWriMo.  In the spirit of creativity, I thought I might try to throw some poetry out there.  Most of my poetry usually stems from my darker, more despairing moments like divorces and deaths and terrorist attacks, (unless it happens to be during a time when I’m taking a class in which writing poetry is an assigned activity.)  But I’m willing to give it a shot on an ordinary day.  I do have to confess that I’m feeling…not super-happy right now.  It’s my own fault.  I listened to that d*** Thousand Years song from Twilight a couple of times and that never fails to depress me to no end.  I’m just feeling the urge to twist off a little, and that is never a good thing.  I just feel like I’m just aching to sing, and life is supposed to be a duet, so where the h*** is my partner?

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I was listening to another song a while ago, Paint Me a Birmingham, and thinking how I would love to perform that song as the harmony to a male duet partner.  Or any song, really.  I almost sung a duet with my cousin at his sister’s wedding but he backed out at the last minute because he was worried he didn’t know the words well enough.  Sometimes I just want to march into ANYplace that has karaoke and volunteer to sing with the next guy who wants to perform.  Anyway.  Just for the record, this particular post may not conclude with my own poetry, because it’s about 15 minutes before I leave work, The Boy is here, chomping at the bit to leave as soon as possible, and I don’t work well under pressure when it comes to poetry.  I mean, I could probably spit some out, but it might not be a masterpiece.

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Instead, I think I’ll just post the lyrics to that Thousand Years song.  I just can’t seem to get that song out of my head today:

A Thousand Years – Pt. 2 (Christina Perri)

The day we met
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I’d  found a home for my
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be  brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand  alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved  you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time  stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let  anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every  hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting  for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find  you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand  years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

I have  died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For  a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I  believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved  you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

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Well, maybe tomorrow I can come up with some poetry.

Until next time,

D.

 

When Is St. Patrick’s Day, Again? February 14, 2013

An array of Valentine's Day-connotated candy d...

An array of Valentine’s Day-connotated candy decor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  For starters, is there any holiday that causes more angst than Valentines Day?  I’m thinking no.  Seriously.  I see it from all corners.  There are those (in relationships) who say it is crass and commercial and has nothing to do with real love or the expression of it.  Just generalizing here, but they are probably the ones who forget their anniversary and buy their wives a power saw for Christmas.  Then there are those (in relationships) who stress out over what to get their loved one, because they embrace it as a perfect occasion to go all out in an effort to give an end-all, be-all gift to prove to their beloved what they could say every day if they wanted to, but they don’t.  Instead, they only seem to express their feelings on special occasions. And then there are the ones who express their love regularly, every day, for whom Valentines Day is just another day to be who they are.  Those are the ones whose partners are their biggest cheerleaders on the Social Media Scene, always bragging about them and sharing their love and joy with two or three hundred of their dearest acquaintances, semi-intentionally reminding everyone else that they’re dating or married to an unloving, uncaring, clueless, mouth-breathing clod.  And in addition to all that angst from people who are actually in relationships on V-Day, there are those in the Single camp who fall into only two categories:  Single and Thankful… or Single and Desperately Bitter about it.  Not really any need to define those two, is there?

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Actually there’s a third Single category- “Single and Thankful they’re not married to the spouses of 90% of the people they know, but basically a little bitter that the other 10% seem to have found someone so apparently perfect and why in the name of all that’s sane couldn’t I have made a better choice when I had the chance, so I’d at least maybe fall somewhere between Stuck With Someone I Hate, and I’m So In Love I Make Everyone Hurl.”  Yep, that’s my category, all right.

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I can’t really complain.  My kids got me a card and my mom gave me a single rose, and I know I’m loved and all that.  I’m actually pretty jazzed about all the positives of being single.  I don’t have to put up with someone else’s bad behaviors, bad choices, and bad attitudes. (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I can go where I like and do what I feel like doing without having to get someone’s approval or permission.  I don’t have to compromise on mind-numbing things like new vacuum cleaners and wall paint colors.  I am the one who decides on Vacation Destinations.  (Except those people I gave birth to, yes.)  I could say I don’t have to clean and pick up after someone else, but I can’t even type that with a straight face, and besides, those Perfect Spouse people clean up after themselves and help around the house without being nagged about it.

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So all in all, Valentines Day is just a day to sit back and study sociology.  Watch the efforts of those desperate people who end up in the Dollar Store at 9:30 pm because they don’t want to find themselves sleeping on the couch.  Watch the joy of those who are married to/dating The Perfect People.  Watch those Single Friends who shout the praises of their single state and waiting for God’s Mr. Right For You, and buy chocolate for themselves and eat it alone.  It’s a day for all of that…and to look forward to getting bombed on Saint Patrick’s Day!

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Perfect Match: 13 Things I Will Not Be Without in my Next Relationship Partner! July 4, 2012

"Ai," the traditional Chinese charac...

“Ai,” the traditional Chinese character for love (愛) consists of a heart (middle) inside of “accept,” “feel,” or “perceive,” which shows a graceful emotion. It can also be interpreted as a hand offering ones heart to another hand. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  I visited a website yesterday that I hadn’t been to in over 5 years- eHarmony.  I’m not sure what drew me there, exactly.  Curiosity, maybe?  I wanted to look again at the personality profile I’d made years and YEARS ago, and see how much it had changed, but for some reason it was unavailable.  I wasted a little time updating some profile information, and briefly (VERY briefly) considered forking over the money to have a membership again.  That was before I really looked at the prices and decided it was rather expensive for what it was, and I’d just procrastinate on that particular action a little longer.

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One profile I was able to see was the ‘Ideal Match‘ profile where it tells me in detail all about the person who would, in theory, be perfect for me.  It seemed like a lot of information, too much detail to take in or even share, but I wondered how much of it was relevant now, based on a bunch of questions I answered nearly 10 years ago!  So it got me thinking (And it also happened to be an assignment from my counselor, The Golden Goddess. See ‘Meet the Cast’).  What exactly are the vital qualities in someone I’d like to have in my life?  What do I want that person to be like?  So I whipped out my little notebook and started jotting down some thoughts, and here is what I discovered:

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1) Spirituality/Emotional Strength–  I want a fighter.  I want a faith-filled, non-giver-upper.  But they also need to be comfortable expressing their needs and leaning on me when they need to, and they need to be able to accept my encouragement and strength.  Most importantly, they need to have a strong basic faith/belief system/philosphy that they draw strength from.

2) Passionate–  They love deeply and strongly.  They enjoy every day.  They live to experience life.  They look for beauty and are open to experience.  They love to laugh and are not afraid to cry.

3) Bright/Intelligent/Curious– They can carry on a conversation, express their views and beliefs, and they’re open to learning.  They don’t mind reading a book!

4) Patient/Calm/Low boiling point– They can deal with me (and much more importantly, with my kids!) without losing their temper.  More preferredly, they don’t HAVE a temper!

5) Interested in health and fitness– Not dogmatic or preachy about it, but they care about their body and try to treat it right the majority of the time.  They enjoy some type of physical activity and exercise, and would be open to encouraging and competing with me in that area.

6) Affectionate– They like to hug and kiss, but are not overly showy in public.  They like to demonstrate their love through small gestures.  Fluent in all five Love Languages:  acts, gifts, time, words, touch.

7) Sexually balanced– Not frigid, but not oversexed.  They recognize that physical connection is a vital part of a healthy relationship and they are comfortable expressing needs and discussing problems in that area.

8) Musical/artistic/creative– They enjoy expressing themselves through some sort of creation or performance.  It could be anything- musical, visual, technical, mechanical, stylistic, written, etc.

9) Committed/trustworthy– When they give their word, it is as good as gold.  Whether it’s marriage vows or parental rules, they mean what they say and they stand behind it, and honor it.

10)Responsible (Financially, socially, and personally)- They work.  Financially they contribute equally.  They don’t abuse the environment unnecessarily.  They share equally the work around the house and  wouldn’t mind giving of their time to give back to society if they found the right opportunity.  They are balanced with money- not cheap, but not indiscriminate.  They accept and own their past and their choices, and are not afraid to look back on them, to see the good, try to find value, and look for lessons to apply.

11) Moral/honest/open– They try to do what’s right; they follow the law (mostly.  Speed limits are negotiable. 🙂 ).  They are truthful and they express their feelings and needs, encouraging and inviting me to do the same.  They accept my feelings as valid even if they feel differently.

12) Value autonomy- They recognize that we don’t have to be together every single minute to still be very deeply and strongly connected.  They have interests and they allow me mine, but they never let them come between us.

13) Faithful- They believe with all their soul that I am the best partner they could ever have.  They thank God for bringing me into their life, and they would never, ever, EVER be unfaithful, no matter what.

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So there it is.  The profile of Mr. Right.  It’s somewhat hard for me to put this out there, because I often feel like my kids are all I can handle in my life.  They are a huge focus,  but I very often wish wholeheartedly that I had someone to walk through life with, someone to love.  There are also many times when I think, ‘Well, I’ve had two chances and they’ve both ended.  Maybe that’s all the chances I get and I’m just going to have to learn to be complete in myself and accept my single-ness as permanent.’  Which is a little misleading, because I actually believe I need to be complete in myself anyway, to be able to be complete in a relationship, but that’s beside the point.  The point is, sometimes I feel ready, sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I feel like relationships are overrated, over-complicated, and not worth the time and trouble.  But when I see friends and family finding love, getting married, being happy, feeling like they found their soul mates, I just get a little jealous, darn it!  I long for that, I crave it.  I grieve when I think I may never have it. (And I feel guilty for not being satisfied with where I am, but that’s a whole other post.)

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Ah, love.  Both beautiful and terrible.  Thanks for sharing this with me, and if you really want to make me happy, leave a comment and tell me what’s on your “Won’t be without” list!

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Until next time,

D.

ETA:  I realized that a couple of vital bits of information on this subject were missing or ambiguous:  this person needs to be a man between the ages of 35 and 45.  Notice there is not one mention of physical appearance anywhere on this list.  Physical appearance is very less likely to be important to me than overall health and fitness.  That being said, however, taller than me is a plus. 😀

 

And Speaking Of… September 17, 2011

Hello all! You know, job-hunting is probably NOBODY’S favorite thing.  Am I right?  And I, being a normal-ish human like every other on the planet, am no different.  I truly hate switching jobs.  I hate being the nervous and inexperienced newbie, I hate applications and interviews, and I hate trying to fit in with new co-workers.  But finances being what they are, I took yet another step today in the process of getting a second/different job.  I told my current boss I was looking!  I know, ‘Yikes!’ right?  I didn’t tell him I was definitely going to find something else.  Oh, no.  I told him I was going to look for something to do in addition to working there, and I ever-so-gently indicated that if an opportunity to make more money elsewhere on a full-time basis presented itself, I would probably take it.  I just didn’t want him to be blindsided when I give my two weeks’ notice if I find something else anytime soon.

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And speaking of finding something else, or someone else, as the case may be, I had the opportunity to meet someone on Labor Day who I think might possibly end up in my life for a long time….  (Get ready for the ‘Awwwwww!’)  My baby sister has a new boyfriend.  She came home that weekend for Labor Day and my birthday, and she was accompanied by her new bf, Mario.  Ok, his name’s not really Mario, but that will be his Bloggy Code Name.  It originates from the fact that a friend of his phot0-shopped a pic of him on Facebook and made him into Mario from Super Mario Brothers, which I thought was hilarious, but if I were him, I would put a dead fish under my friend’s pillow for that one.  Anyway, we all got together at my other sister’s house on Labor Day.  We ate lunch, hung out by the pool, and visited.   As “Meeting the Family” events go, it was quite successful.  We all liked Mario, and Baby Sis reports he was not completely repulsed by us, so all is well, and they are free to continue to pursue their friendship with our approval.  Ha!  Like Sis would give two hoots if we didn’t.  She’s definitely her own person, which is one of the totally awesome things about her.  As for my previous statement that this person may potentially be in my life for a long time, it’s because they seem to be EXACTLY alike, and he is the Male Version of her!  It’s pretty cool, actually.  I’m happy for her, and if he ends up being The One, then that’s pretty darn cool.

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And speaking of people who are/were their own person, last Saturday was the anniversary of a memorable date among my family, and not for a good reason.  It was, in fact, one of the worst days of our lives up to that point.  On September 10, 1987 my grandmother, Alba Dean Findley, (aka Deanie) was killed in a car accident in Gallup, New Mexico.  She was an RN in the Traveling Nurses’ Corps.  She was simply an amazing person.  I have no doubt that if she had lived, she would probably have gone sky-diving on her 75th birthday or something.  I can’t really imagine her that age, because she was only 54 when she died.  Grammy was a huge influence on all of us who were old enough to remember her.  She lived her own life in a way that made her happy.  She embraced experience.  She savored beauty and sought culture.  She loved caring for people.  She tried to encourage her grandchildren to appreciate the things she enjoyed by sharing them with us.  She took us to classical music concerts and ballets, and took herself to the ancient ruins of Mexico.  She was beautiful inside and out, and I miss her.  In many ways, I would like to try to be more like she was, more brave and adventurous, more of a person who finds ways to create the life I want, in both big and small things.  I look forward to figuring out how to do that, you know?  Life is so short, it’s SO short, and we never know when it will come to an end.  I just don’t want to come to the end of my life and be filled with regret over the things I didn’t get to do, the chances I didn’t take, the love I didn’t express. 

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And speaking of coming to the end of life, 9/11 was last weekend as well.  I can’t really say anything about that historic day that hasn’t been said, except to share a couple of my poems as more vivid expressions of all the things I felt about those events, and also about the similar event of April 19, 1995- the Murrah Building bombing in Oklahoma City.   I thought at first that I was more affected by the Oklahoma City bombing than I was the 9/11 attacks, but I couldn’t find a truthful way to complete that sentence.  Each attack was un-imaginably tragic in its own right, and both affected me (and the country) differently.  But each one has its own place in my poetry, and here are two of the poems I wrote following both attacks:

Visiting the Bomb Site

Standing, staring,

peeking through a window of time,

the building rises before your eyes

as once it must have been.

Nothing remains but a pile of red dirt.

It’s natural here,

but seems to stand for something more,

for those who lost their lives,

as if the color came

from all the blood that was shed.

Standing, staring,

hands on the fence,

 touching the crumbling flowers,

reading the faded notes and prayers,

even viewing the destruction,

you see what Hatred did,

and what Love had to say about it.

DD…………………… 8-11-95  4:59 pm

———————————————————————————————————–

“Only To God”

What becomes of a people
whom tragedy befalls?
Where do they direct their monumental rage?
For fiery words and pounding fists
can never restore what was lost.
And where do they turn
for relief from sorrow, for balm of pain,
for even a moment’s peace?
When flowery words and philosophies
can never recall what has gone.

What becomes of a country
whose shores are invaded
by numerous enemies, hideous and hidden?
Where do they direct their revenge?
For flying missiles and political posturing
can never restore lost innocence.
And where do they turn
in their search for justice, to punish the evildoers,
when all the blood they can shed
will never be enough?

9/13/01 —————— 10:02 a.m.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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Smart and surprising

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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

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musings of a madwoman

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Writing Finger

Translations of Poetry from Galician and Spanish into English

The Better Man Project ™

a man chasing dreams