The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

No More ABCs April 14, 2016

Hello, all!  Well, my plan to follow the A-Z challenge has clearly gone off the rails. I have no excuse, really. I just let it slip through my hands. Last time I tried to do this, I only got a few days behind and would write entries covering two or three letters at a time and made it through the whole month. I think I’m like ten days behind at this point, so I’m just calling it. A-Z Challenge- time of death 9:56pm.

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So what else can I talk about if I am not constrained by an alphabet theme?  I had a fun few moments tonight endulging in nostalgia. I was at my mom’s house and she found an old box of cassette tapes that was my music collection in high school. One of the tapes she found was Weird Al’s “Dare To Be Stupid” album. She popped it into the tape player and although it sounded pretty warp-y, it was really funny to hear all those old songs I hadn’t heard in a while. And as an added bonus I discovered a way to torture my 14 year old son! He has always liked Weird Al pretty well when I would listen around the house or in the car or whatnot. But tonight! Oh, tonight, he was quite adamant that the warped-sounding tape playing “YODA” was something sent from Satan. I kept singing along and annoying him as he was literally dragging me away from the room where the tape player was and begging to go home. Then when we got in the car, I kept singing what I could remember of the song, just to aggravate him, and he decided he would fight fire with fire, plugged his phone into the auxiliary cord and played his favorite heavy metal or whatever genre it falls into, from a group entitled, I believe, “Dream Evil.”  Sadly for him, that particular song didn’t bother me that much.

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Tomorrow night The Boy and I are getting together with some theater friends and watching the movie of the next play that the theater is doing, “Mary Poppins.” We are meeting in someone’s home and everyone is bringing food. They thought people might enjoy watching the movie to get jazzed up for auditions. I’m not even sure I am auditioning for the show, but I usually enjoy hanging out with the theater people, and goodness knows The Boy needs some social interaction, so I thought why not?

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The other thing I have been wanting to get the kid involved in is improv. ALT has started a new group. They meet weekly and play improv games along the lines of “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” I was trying to explain what it was all about and I told him to look up Whose Line on YouTube and he loved it!! We watched it together for quite a little while and I am thinking he may go with me to the next meeting. This is all with an eye toward getting him to audition for Poppins, or the next musical later in the season. He is a ham, he is hilarious, and he is good off the cuff, a natural performer.

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Anyway. I guess we will see what happens. It is entirely possible that one theater nerd in the family is enough.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

To D or Not To D April 6, 2016

Hello, all!

“Oh, to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!”

“That sounds to me like you’re daunted. Say it again like you’re UNDAUNTED!”

Another word for undaunted might be determined. I need determination right now in so many areas of my life. I need determination to work on my health and weight loss. I need determination in my theater pursuits, to not get depressed when I don’t get cast, and to help promote the theater and the arts. I need determination to do the best I can as a parent and to deal with and face any challenges with my kids that might come up. I need determination to re-train my brain and learn to love and appreciate myself.

So much determination! I don’t know at this point where it will come from, but I know I have to find it.

Today’s poem:

Daring and dauntless

reach for the brass ring.

Grasp the dream and live it

Determined.

Nothing stands

between me and greatness.

I am there.

 

DD

4/06/16

11:26pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

C’s The Day April 5, 2016

Filed under: A-Z,Mood Swings,Weight Woes,Whatever — DDKlingonGirl @ 10:31 pm
Tags: , ,

Hello, all! I have technically failed the April writing challenges already, since I didn’t write yesterday. But you know what? We are not going to worry about that.  Not a thing we can do to turn back time, so might as well move forward from here. I was going to try to catch up by combining this entry into a C post AND a D post but I decided it was too late at night for that. My C topics are cats, candy, and crying.

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About the cats.  We have three. Yes, I know for most people that is three too many, but hey, I know someone who has NINE cats. Anyway, I don’t love them and I don’t necessarily hate them. I just hate the consequences of having them in my life. When the kids don’t clean out the litter box, my house smells. They have literally destroyed the carpet under every single door in this house by scratching to get into or out of rooms with shut doors.  And they have also destroyed my couch. I mean, granted, that thing is on its third owner. But it would still be in better shape if we didn’t have cats.

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Candy is just something there is no longer any of, left in my house. My family had their Easter celebrations late because my parents were out of town until this past weekend. My mom made baskets for everyone and there was quite a lot of candy to be had around here. This is, of course, a bad thing, because where there is candy, I will, of course, eat it. I have been engaging in a fierce battle with myself lately about eating and food and weight and self esteem, and I am losing that battle in spectacular fashion: I eat, I gain weight, I utterly loathe myself and everything about me.  This is a bad thing, and I know it. I know I am supposed to believe that people are beautiful no matter what size they are.  I am supposed to remember that sexy is an attitude. And I am supposed to know without a doubt that the most important part of any person is NOT what you see on the scale or in the mirror. I can’t do that and I don’t know why. I can’t believe or remember or know. I wish I could. I’m working on it.

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Which leads me to the final topic, crying. I have done a lot of that lately and I know it hasn’t done me a bit of good. I just have to throw off my pity party hat and throw on my “I have done this before and I can do it again” hat. Yes, it sucks royally to have to re-lose weight you have already lost once, to fight yet again a battle you have fought over and over before. I don’t know what the secret is, but if I figure it out, I will be sure to pass it on.

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And now, my C poem:

Catch me if you can

as I fall into a river of tears.

i shed them.

They come in a downpour

and rise high enough to sink ships.

My sunglasses sit on my face.

I’d like to think they hide my eyes

but really

they don’t.

my eyes are seen behind them

as the tears seep out from underneath.

Crying.

DD

4/5/16

11:25pm

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

B Is For Bias, Bodies, and Boyfriends April 3, 2016

Hello, all!  Day 2 of the April challenges is here, so let’s get right into it. B is for Bias and Bodies. And Boyfriends, while we’re on the subject.

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I mentioned in my last post that I had auditioned for a show recently. Ardmore Little Theater is currently in rehearsals for “I Ought To Be In Pictures.” It is a play by Neil Simon with a cast of only three people: a man, a woman, and a late-teenage girl. Initially I went in thinking I didn’t really have a snowball’s chance of winning the adult female role. I really wanted to play the character because I felt like I really understood her. I had some concerns about some parts of the show, but overall I would have loved the chance to work through and around my issues and play the role.

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So I went in thinking I didn’t really have a chance, but at the time, I was thinking it was because there would be someone who was obviously better than I was, and they would get the part. Well, after the first night of auditions, I was kind of surprised. I had done what I thought was maybe my best audition ever and I thought Maybe I actually had a shot. The second night of auditions, when I discovered we were going to be reading the same scene again, I asked one of my friends if I should try to do it exactly the same as I had the night before or do it differently, and she said to do it differently. So as I watched everyone else read, I thought, “How can I be different from everyone else? How can I do it better than last night?” And I came up with the idea to take it in the opposite direction emotionally and take a completely different tone.  After the reading, I felt like it had been a good choice. Nobody else had gone that direction but me, at least not that I could remember. There was one lady who I felt was pretty good, but I felt like I showed more realistic emotion. Or something. I am not even sure now. I think I just generally thought I was better. BUT. She had one huge advantage. She was much thinner.

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When it came to the guys, two of them were similar but seemed pretty good to me, and the third just seemed a little bland and emotionless. Not very realistic. And there again he was the thinnest of the three. So guess who got cast? The two thin people, which really should not have surprised me, and perhaps really didn’t, because at one point they were onstage together and I thought, “I’m looking at the cast of this show right now.”

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Anyway. One of the things about theater is that the result of an audition is never truly in our hands. We might think we are the best choice, but it is all about the director’s vision and only he or she knows what that is. But in this case, I felt like the primary deciding factor was appearances. That may or not have been entirely the case, but that was how I took it. How I felt. And it did something to me. Well, several things, but mostly it reminded me of the fact of appearance bias in theater and every other field and facet of the world. No one is immune to it.

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But on this occasion, the reminder of that bias was almost crushing. I felt very angry that day. I thought I could see very clearly that large people are only allowed to be characters in a few specific situations: they are poor, they are Southern, they are stupid, or they are morally deficient. I tried to think, all day when I was at work after the cast was posted, of specific examples both from our local theater and from professional theater and in TV and movies, that supported my theory:  extra large actors and the roles they play.

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The problem is that theater is the very definition of unreality. See, in the real world, fat and unattractive people get married, have sex, and get divorced. In the world of theatre, nobody wants to see that up on stage, larger than life in spotlights in a play about love and sex. It is not fair but it is reality. No sense whining about it when it’s what we sign up for.

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Anyway, the long and short of it was that it made me reconsider the possibility of ever playing a big role, or one I really wanted. I thought I didn’t want to do it if I was up against that bias. I thought I didn’t even want to play roles I might be perfect for, if I had to play them at the size I am now. I started thinking about dislike for self and downright self-hatred and how it spills over onto others and I wondered where my compassion went. (I also realized it is getting harder for me to look people in the eyes at work, but I am not sure there is a connection there.)

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So. It was a rough couple of days. I identified a part I want in one of the shows for next season, but immediately began wondering if I were good enough. And then I wanted to back out because I want to play the part but I don’t want to play her at this size. And then I thought, well why not? If someone’s going to play her, it might as well be me.

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This entry is getting too long, but I wanted to throw in the topic of boyfriends and how it seems like I always want one, but the only guys I have loved, liked, seriously crushed on, or considered crushing on, have all had significant mental issues, by which I mean depression or bipolar or some variation on that theme. I wonder whether I am drawn to these people or I draw them to me. My counselor the other day said something I have known for years, but because of the current climate of my emotions toward myself and my size and all, it was quite depressing to be reminded of:  you have to love yourself before you can get anyone else to love you. And in the mental headspace I am in right now, all I could think was “Boy, am I screwed!”

Without further ado, today’s B Poem:

Bodies

beautiful or not,

Seen through our own eyes.

what is

or what isn’t

rejoice or cry,

but  always judge.

Always criticize.

Bodies

float

or waltz

or waddle

across a stage

or a screen

and into our imagination

catalogued

by categories of value

based on appearances

Bias is like air

it surrounds and touches,

it is inside and outside

and no matter

what the inside says…

the outside makes the decisions

for all of us

DD

4/3/16

2:04am

 

Until next time,

D.

 

 

A is for Actors April 1, 2016

Hello, all!

Welcome to April, where blogging-wise I am in over my head.

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One of my Facebook friends posted about NaPoWriMo and a few others talked about the Blogging A-Z challenge, and I thought I would be the classic Overachiever and combine them. So I am going to try to blog every day in April except Sundays, AND write a poem, AND stick to a theme that follows the alphabet. Heaven help me.

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So, Day 1.  A is for actors.

Tonight I went to a local high school and watched their performance of The Sound of Music. A couple of my theater friends went with me and it was a nice evening.

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I mainly went for the sake of one kiddo- he was one of my actors when I stage-managed Grease in 2014 and I have watched him in his HS production of it as well. He played the character of Max tonight, and I thought he was wonderful, a joy to watch every time he is onstage. I can’t wait to see what his future holds.

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I wanted to talk about the theater experience and how we learn and grow as actors and how we get better at every audition, hopefully. Recently I auditioned for our local theater’s production of “I Ought To Be In Pictures” and wasn’t cast. I was pretty down about it, but I realized I had given the best audition I had ever done, and it was obvious I am learning and getting better, so I was happy about that. Appearance Bias in theater is another A-word that has been on my mind lately, but that is another post.

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So. In of  honor of my favorite Greaser, and myself, here is my first poem of the month, and it is also titled with an A-word.

Actor In Training

Actor in training,
Move across the stage.
Show us who you’re playing,
Their joy
Sorrow
Rage.

Actor in training
Move us with your song.
Tell another’s story
Make us sing along.

Actor in training
Give the boards your all.
The show goes on
The lights don’t dim
Until the curtain falls.

DD
4/1/16
9:26am

Until next time,

D

 

 

 

 

Finally, A “Z” Post and What’s New May 19, 2014

Filed under: A-Z,Ambitions,Poetry and Fiction — DDKlingonGirl @ 9:35 am
Tags: , , ,

Hello all.  I have to say I really hate that I bombed out on the A-Z challenge.  It was my first one to really attempt, and I kind of blew it.  But hey, life goes on.  I knew from the beginning that the Z post I wanted to do had to do with that handy little tool that used to be part of WordPress.  It was down at the bottom of the ‘new post’ screen:  Powered By…..Except I can’t remember the word, but I know it started with a Z.  (I want to say it was Zapata, but I’m not sure that’s right.)  A while back, when you went to work on a post, this handy little program would automatically link keywords for you, and give you suggested images and links to related material to choose from.   I always saved that for the end of the post.  It was so nifty and now it seems to be gone.

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So yeah.  That was what my final post was going to be about.  How I miss the program that did half the work for you when it came to links, images, and related materials.

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What’s new is that I am going to try, repeat: try, to work on submitting poetry to some competitions and anthologies.  I have just barely gotten started.  I submitted a few in February and a few last week. I know, that’s a pitiful consistency record.  The new goal is to perhaps make a chapbook and submit it to a few contests and if nothing happens with those, then just self-publish.  But my goodness, the instructions look… shall we say, daunting?  There are so many different ways to make them, and bind them, and I would really like mine to be nicer than just stapled down the middle, but I’m not sure I can figure out the instructions for making them fancy.  It would require purchasing an AWL, let’s just put it that way.  Oh, and the other big negative?  For some contests, anything I’ve posted here is ineligible for submission.  The contests are for previously unpublished material, and it’s considered published if it is posted online anywhere.  Which really bites because a couple of the pieces I have posted here, I did so because I considered them among my best.  Ah, well.  We roll on, and I will just have to create something new and even better.

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So, short post today, but it serves as my final entry in the A to Z Challenge and my transition into what’s coming up.  Also stay tuned for more news about what’s going on for me in the world of my beloved community theatre, ALT.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

Blogging Challenge Has Flown By: Catching Up with U through Y! April 29, 2014

Filed under: A-Z — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:45 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hello all.  I refuse to just abandon the A-Z challenge completely.  I thought about it, but then I decided I didn’t want to be a Slacky McSlacksALot and give it up so close to the end.  So I’m going to give it my best shot to get caught up today and finish strong tomorrow.  U to Y.  Here we go:

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U- Under the Tuscan Sun

I have just put this movie on my ‘next up to watch’ list.  A friend of mine has been loaning me some movies recently, and the first two were all romantic, mooshy, schloopy movies about running away and living in Italy and France.  You know the types- their cinematography is all golden light,  drenched in olive oil and red wine, and everyone has wavy hair and wears white tank tops and peasant skirts.  Well, duh!  Who wouldn’t want to go exist in a world like that?  Makes me wonder if people who actually do live in Italy and France really know how good they have it?  Then again, on some days, in certain lights, if you tilt your head and squint, and perhaps take a hit of some tribal herb, my home state is beautiful in its own right. (I’m absolutely kidding about the tribal herb, by the way.)  Oh, incidentally, the first two movies were A Good Year and Midnight In Paris.  Also The Tango Lesson, which is basically a 2-hour recruiting speech for Argentinian tango lessons.  And a very effective one, I might add. You watch and go, “Holy cow, what I wouldn’t give to be able to move like that and with that much passion!”

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V- Veggies!

V is for Veggies with a Capital V.  Veggies is the local health food store here in town, and I am at this very moment staring at the empty take-out container on my desk that, an hour ago, had my Big, Lovely, Healthful, Nutritious, Mostly Organic salad in it.  They have this lunch café’ there in the health food store, and each day Mama Mary, the owner, creates two soups, an entrée, a dessert, and a salad bar that would make you drool in your socks.   You can make your own salad, or if you’re slightly hungrier, a creation they call a Haystack, which is a salad built on top of blue corn chips, vegetarian baked beans, and vegan “cheezy” sauce.  Anyway.  It is all vegan, organic as much as possible, and homemade fresh from scratch.  Veggies is my favorite place to go when I need to treat myself to a healthful lunch.  One salad probably has a whole day’s worth of nutrients in it.  I would eat there every single day, if I could afford it, and there we discover the only drawback:  it’s relatively expensive.  The salad is sold by the pound, and if you pile on all the salad toppings, you could easily spend more than you would like.  But honestly?  It’s totally worth it. If I ever won the lottery, I might hire Mary as my personal chef.

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W- Woebegone

Ok, I just now thought of this as a word to write about, and I know it’s silly.  But look at it.  It’s a word that describes someone who looks sad and down, but the individual components of the word, (woe, be, gone) taken together should describe a person who is feeling exactly the opposite, right?  I know, I need therapy or something, but really.  Woebegone is a weird word.  😉

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X- X Factor

Is that show still on?  I never watched it anyway.  I googled a list of words that start with X and none of them looked compelling or had any definitions handy.  I started to write about the ‘x’ in algebra, because my son is learning division in math and it’s driving him crazy, so I dread algebra like the plague.  I mean I dread when he starts having to learn it.  I guess I should try to remember what I was preaching to him today on the way to school:  don’t dread it, because that only predispositions your mind to a negative perception of the event.  Life is much, MUCH easier to handle when you maintain a positive outlook.

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Y- YOLO

People seem to have a love-hate relationship with this little acronym.  Half the people love it, and half the people hate it, I think.  It stands for You Only Live Once, which is obviously true (unless you believe in reincarnation) but what exactly do they mean by it?  Those people who are always hashtagging it every time they post about something they perhaps consider daring or brave or, dare we say it, stupid, on the social media of their choice.  Do they mean “you only live once, so do every stupid thing you possibly can, so that when you die, people scratch their heads and say ‘It’s a wonder he lasted this long.'”?  Or do they mean “you only live once, so make the best choices you can, because regret is a bad thing to live with, but a worse thing to die with.”?  I’m sure there is a much deeper discussion to have on the connotations of this popular little phrase, but I’m just kind of skimming the surface today.  For me, YOLO means this is the only life you get, so make it a good one.

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Ok, so tomorrow I will try to come up with a Z-post that will be both well thought out and entertaining, and finish the April A-Z Blogging Challenge with finesse.  And then we will get back to our regularly scheduled programming.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

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