The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Roller Coaster Mood Strikes Again! September 21, 2011

Breakfast for dinner

Image via Wikipedia

Hello all.  I hate to have to say this.  Really.  I do.  But here goes:  I give you fair warning that this entry may contain ranting, raving, whining, self-pity, and just flat out pissyness.  EVERYTHING is irritating me today!  Facebook, for example.  Another day, another layout.  STOP already!  Weight Watchers.  I just realized I’m down only 6.8 pounds since the middle of JULY!  What the heck!?  I have been doing Turbo three times a week, but I guess I have only been marginally good about what I’ve been eating, or something, because I keep see-sawing up a little, down a little, and it is so hard!  Right now I’m just plain tired of struggling with it.  At this moment I am truly hungry- my stomach is literally growling, but after I got home from taking the kids to school I just walked in the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, stood there staring into its depths for a moment, surveying a narrow selection of “breakfast-y” items, then shut the door in disgust and left the room.  I am so tired of having to think about what I eat, so tired of trying to think of something “healthy.”  Like what’s that mean, right?  I have been trying to keep a detailed food log for this fitness challenge.  We are supposed to log every food we eat, along with its calories, carbs, sugars, fat, and protein.  And let me tell you- it is a complete crap shoot.  Every website comes up with different numbers.  Not to mention the challenge of doing a detailed breakdown of something made homemade in a local restaurant.  I have the lady’s cookbook, but I don’t know how many servings are in her recipes.  Unlike every other cookbook in the known universe, she doesn’t tell you what constitutes a serving and how many the recipe is supposed to make.  Cookbook FAIL! 

*

Also, I was all set to rant and rave about how it seems like everything I own is an almost-worthless piece of junk!  My car, my computer, my slow-cooker, my tennis shoes, my clothes.  Yes, I know, at least I HAVE these things.  Grateful I am, young grasshopper, really.  It’s just that my car randomly dies going down the road.  Just cuts out.  I have to shift it into neutral and restart it and try to remember not to step on the brake so I don’t get run over.  Although I have to say, I’m thankful it didn’t die so far today.  I went from Lone Grove to Ardmore and back this morning for Turbo and it didn’t die.  Usually it’s good for at least two on that trip.  The other items I mentioned are really very tiny little issues that could easily be fixed with a few dollars.  Except the clothes.  Can’t get anything new yet because I’m still paying for the clothes I bought before our Disney trip, only now some of them are already torn up or way too big. 

*

See, this is why writing or blogging or journaling is good for you.  I don’t feel irritated anymore.  But I still feel hungry.   I’m not completely over the “What breakfast can I make that is a)healthy and b)not a repeat of something I’ve eaten 6 times in the last two weeks?” thing.  I usually make scrambled eggs, which I try to ‘healthy up’ by adding sauteed veggies like onions, spinach, or broccoli.  (Yes, broccoli in a scrambled egg.  It wasn’t any better than it sounds.)  And I add turkey bacon or sausage and a piece of whole grain wheat toast, usually dry.  Sometimes I have a healthy cereal with skim milk, but that lasts about 2 hours and then I’m hungry again.  I could have a sandwich with some lean protein lunch meat and spinach leaves instead of lettuce, but then what would I have for lunch?  See?  Eating healthy seems to demand that I focus on food constantly, which is the exact opposite of what I’ve been striving for, which is to view and interact with food only as a source of sustanance and not an emotional companion or boredom-reliever or any other role you might assign it. 

Anyway.  I guess what I choose for breakfast doesn’t matter, because I’m still sitting here writing instead of getting up and choosing something, and by the time I get around to it, it will be almost lunch time and ‘get ready to go to work’ time, and I’ll have skipped breakfast completely. 

(The above picture, by the way, I just picked to stick in this entry because a) it happens to be a picture of eggs, which is what I was talking about, and b) it’s just cheery and yellow, and everything yellow always picks me up.)

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I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days about people from my past.  When I woke up yesterday morning, I had been dreaming about a guy I liked in upper elementary/early middle school.  Today I was thinking about the guy who was supposed to have gone to my class reunion with me.  I don’t talk to either of them anymore, and I guess I’m just feeling nostalgic or lonely or something.  I miss people.  Not ex-husband people, fortunately.  Just other people I never really got much of a chance to know as a person but still really felt attached to, you know?  I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see what the reason or purpose was for these friendships, and also see when or if I’ll ever have anybody in my life again.  Love-wise, you know.  On the other hand, maybe I don’t want to know, especially if I’m supposed to stay single the rest of my life. 

*

Well, now I’m past hungry and getting sleepy.  Guess I’ll either go force myself to pick something healthy-ish for breakfast and just fix it, or I’ll say the heck with it and go back to sleep for a while until I have to get ready for work.

Until next time,

D.

 

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