The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

In Pursuit of Sparkle and Growl! October 6, 2010

Hello all!  It’s been too long since I posted a new entry.  I was getting my computer fixed, and now it’s mine again and I am happy.  And now I don’t have to use my purse or a pillow on my lap to prop the screen up because it stays up on its own!  Ah, bliss.  I’m actually supposed to be doing dishes right now.  That’s what I told myself I was going to be doing when I got home from taking the Crumb Crunchers to school.  But like the disciplined, self-controlled, energetic, tightly organized machine that I am, I sat down and started messing with the computer instead! 

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Life has been good lately.  I have been feeling pretty happy and empowered and like I have an almost unbearable amount of potential and limitless future ahead of me.  I’m sure I’ll get kicked in the teeth again shortly, but for now I’ll just enjoy smiling.  (I know, is that not the most sadly pessimistic thing you ever heard or what?) 

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Weight Watchers was great yesterday.  I had been slacking off pretty seriously for about three weeks.  Not trying hard, not writing down what I ate, not making it a point to eat healthy.  I wasn’t eating everything in sight, and I was trying to eat healthy-ISH, but definitely not at the top of my game.  So this past week I finally got my head out of my backside and got it on straight, ate more veggies, tracked all my food, basically started over as if I were on Week 1.  I lost 11.4 lbs!  No, that’s not a typo- E. Leven!  I know a large portion of it was probably water weight, but part of it was not.  So now I’m all hyped up, but I’m hoping I can at least be good enough to lose 1 or 2 this week.  I know it’s not really possible to have such a huge loss two weeks in a row, and I actually don’t want to; I know that the slower it comes off, the more likely it is to stay off, and that’s definitely my goal.  Slow and steady and permanent is infinitely preferable to fast and flashy and temporary.

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Another reason I’m happy is that The Boy is doing much better in school this week.  Last week I was stressed out because he wasn’t getting his work done in school and got in trouble and got paddled, and this week he has gotten most of his work done in school, seems to be in a good mood, and I have had no more calls from his teacher.  Big. Improvement!  The Golden Goddess and her cohort Big Curly (my counselor and the kids’ counselor) have been suggesting I consider home-schooling him.  That has not seemed do-able up until now, but I’m thinking it could be accomplished if it becomes necessary.  He still hates school and thinks it’s stupid and pointless, but at least he’s doing what they tell him to do and not getting swats just for being stubborn like his Other Biological Parent.  (Hi, OBP!  Love ya!)  But you know what?  I’d really rather him enjoy learning and be interested and engaged in what he’s doing and be forming a habit of being a lifelong learner who is open to what the world can teach him, rather than just counting the minutes until he can check the last requirement off the list and walk across a stage in a funny hat and grab a piece of paper from (most likely) a man who has made his life miserable for 4 years!  If that means I become his primary educator, I’m open to the possibility!  So it’s definitely something I’m praying about, and I’d appreciate any of my readers who feel inclined to do so to pray with me, that I will know what I should do and what is best for my son.

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In fact, my counselor has suggested I could start a small homeschool that would include other kids like The Boy, who don’t really have learning disabilities, but who struggle to function in the Box that is traditional educaction.  She seems to think I could charge a reasonable rate, teach a small handful of kids, and be doing what I have wanted to do, which is teach, in a setting that was more suited to me than a public school classroom.  When she first said it, I thought, “Yeah, right.  I could never do that.”  But now when she has told me she already knows of several people who would be interested in such an arrangement, I’m thinking, “Why the heck not?  I can do anything I set out to do, and with God, all things are possible.”  So maybe there’s some research and study to be done and some serious prayer to be said, and a new direction to my career in my future.  Who knows?

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Overall, I’d say life is pretty good right about now.  I’m feeling peaceful and contented and looking forward to the future and all the possibilities.  I’m in hot pursuit of the qualities I desire:  Sparkle and Growl!  I think I’m catching up!

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Until next time,

D.

PS- I’ll define Sparkle and Growl next time!

 

After the Class Reunion… September 20, 2010

Members of the Class of 1990, Lone Grove High School, Lone Grove Oklahoma

(Originally written Sunday, Sept. 19, 2010)

Hello all.  I woke up early this morning despite the lateness of when I went to sleep last night.  I’m just… thinking so much!  I don’t know if I can put everything I’m feeling and thinking about into words.  I thought about getting up and going to church, but I have to get this down on paper.

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Last night had a kind of surreal quality to me.  Like falling down a rabbit hole and going back in time.  But it’s better now than it was in high school because now there is a quality of love and friendship that had not had time to develop back then.  Maybe it sounds dorky or overdramatic, but I kind of fell in love last night.  I fell in love with us as a class and how close we still are, and how much we really do still mean to each other, how we can come together and have fun, so much fun, despite the years between visits.

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For me personally, this morning I somehow feel more ALIVE, more wide open to the world of possibility!  It’s hard to explain, but last night there were people there who had always represented limitations for me- restrictions against doing or saying certain things because we were raised in the same religion.  Seeing them doing the exact things I had always felt I shouldn’t do for fear of their opinions or judgements… hugely, surprisingly liberating!  Maybe they limited themselves because of others’ opinions too.  Maybe they were a little concerned about what I thought.  (Well, I doubt that, but still, the idea is intriguing.)

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Now the question remains, where do I go from here?  From the moment this year began, it was significant:  20 years removed from high school!  Are we having a reunion?  When is it?  Let’s PLAN!  I have put so much mental energy into this for so long and now it’s over.  But in between that, I have been working on this journey of self-discovery, trying to more fully develop who I am as a person:   I’ve been trying to improve my health and my body.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been trying to improve my parenting, trying to help my kids be happy and prepare them for their own adult lives.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been trying to define myself in a context of my religious and spiritual life, trying to identify just what it is I believe and then really live it.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been searching for a direction in my career and my job, trying to discover what really, truly I was meant to do, something that fulfills me and makes me love working at it.  I could continue to focus on that.

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Or I could find something new to try- take a painting or cooking class, join a club, research and plan a trip somewhere, design and landscape my back yard, write the next Great American Novel.  The possibilities are just too endless!

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Last night for me was a revelation and a removing of some of the chains and shackles I have been carrying for a long, long time.  I can definitely say I’ve made progress, however insignificant it may seem.  For example, I wore sleeveless shirts both nights of this reunion.  In the past, I would have limited myself to something that covered my arms, but this time, I chose to wear something that made me feel beautiful. Amazingly simple, but a very big step for me.

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I can say only this:  choosing the next step is going to be fun!  Oh, and this:  CLASS OF 90 RULZ!!! 🙂

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Here is a new poem I wrote Saturday morning after the football game experience.  It’s how I’ve been feeling about this whole weekend.

Me reading my Class Reunion poem. Again!

Seeing Classmates After 20 Years

Staring in the mirror-

search deep in the reflection

in front of me.

Trying to understand myself,

wondering if I see what the others see.

Am I beautiful or ugly?

Am I brave or courageous or strong?

Do I inspire?  Do I uplift?

Am I getting it all right or getting it wrong?

Searching myself and questioning,

Where is this journey taking me?

Do others see the work I’m putting in

to get to a place where I’m not faking me?

I look in the mirror again,

for the first time resist the urge to criticize.

I see beauty and strength and amazingness,

and self-approval shining in my eyes.

DB- 9-18-10 — 10:13 a.m.

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Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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