The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

ValJean, Javert, O’Hara, and Me April 24, 2013

Hello all!  I have needed, I mean literally needed to write a post here for so long, and I just haven’t been able to find a moment.  I don’t have a way to blog at home in the evenings.  Our family laptop is painfully slow, and also always being hogged by one of the kids.  I know it makes me sound like a Slacker Extraordinaire, but I usually write my blog posts at work.  When you’re a church secretary who basically gets paid to sit by a phone that rarely rings, you can do that.  The bad part is that all the things I have needed and wanted to write about have sort of fallen by the wayside.  I wanted to do the A to Z blogging challenge, NaPoWriMo, etc.  I wanted to talk about the bombings and explosions, and loving oneself and loving humanity and like, God and religion and tragedy and survival and all those things that swirl in our collective head when our lives are disrupted by ugliness and accidents.  But when I finally have a moment and sit down to try to write about it all, I just can’t think what I wanted to say about it.  Or I feel everything’s been said and I don’t have anything worth adding, or maybe I deal with certain kinds of things by just blocking them out of my head.

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Or maybe I’m just a remarkably selfish individual, because the things that are filling the space in my head right now are as follows:

First of all is Les Miserables.  (Sorry I can’t do the little punctuation marks in the right places.)  So right now I am obsessed with Les Mis.  I rented the movie the other night and have watched it about 3 times.  I downloaded the 40-song soundtrack on iTunes and have listened to it incessantly ever since, and to top all that off, my local Little Theatre group is putting on LM this summer.  I would love to audition for a part, but I realize I don’t have enough experience for that.  No experience at all, actually.  Therefore, I am thinking of auditioning for the chorus.  (Ok, I am going to audition for the chorus if I can find a really good song to use for my audition. I’ve blown about ten bucks on iTunes instrumental tracks of different songs I could audition with.) I can think of nothing else!  I have been reading the novel, looking at the SparkNotes info on the novel, reading about the June Rebellion and the whole barricade thing, just obsessing in general.  I don’t know why.  I have realized that there is so much more story than the movie could have included, and even reading the small part of the novel that I have read thus far, it’s just so much more tragic!  I just feel I have to keep reading and thinking about this book until I find out why it is just sort of taking root in me so completely.

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The other thing is The Blathering.  The trip to Charleston in October that I think about every single day.  I check flight prices every day.  I read Twitter every day looking for other writers mentioning it.  I dither and vacillate back and forth on whether I should really go, whether it’s a selfish and ridiculous expense, whether I’ll have fun and make friends.  I think about how much I’d love to lose more weight before the trip, but how every stinking day is a struggle not to put the wrong things in my my mouth and thoroughly defeat that goal, and how I have absolutely GOT to learn to love myself and develop a style and rock my look no matter what.  I think about how maybe I should be planning the tours I want to take and the plantations I want to see, but what if I don’t find anybody who wants to do those things with me?   Or what if the planned group events  take up all the time that I’m there and I don’t actually get to see anything but the resort and the airport shuttle?  I think about how I really want to ask all these questions and find fellow early-planners on Twitter and Facebook but feel like it’s too early to be obsessing over these things, and most people probably won’t even know their plans for a few more months yet.  (Maybe next year I should help organize!  That would put my pre-planning obsessive skills to good use.)

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So anyway.  I have plenty of other things that I continue to worry about, that as I told a friend the other night, are the usual things that decorate the hamster wheel that is my life.   Many things that I need to make decisions about and then follow through and be at peace with, many things that I need to just determine and do, so to speak.  But now is not the time.  Luckily for my dear, devoted readers, as Scarlett O’Hara said, tomorrow is (another post and) another day!

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Until next time,

D.

 

Loving Learning, Sharing Experience, and Being Honest April 5, 2013

English: Infographic on how Social Media are b...

English: Infographic on how Social Media are being used, and how everything is changed by them. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all!  There is so much I want to say today.  I spent the first half of today at my alma mater, visiting my favorite college professors.  I even got to sit in on a class- Honors Philosophy and Ethics.  It was cup-filling, soul refreshing, wonderful.  I don’t think it’s possible to understate how much I love being on a college campus, roaming the grounds, searching musty-smelling library shelves, sitting in a classroom…there’s just something magical about the whole atmosphere.  I love seeing traditional college students, thinking about what a great time in their lives this is supposed to be- that first foray into adult independence when they go off to school.  And then…I remember that I’ve had that, and you can’t really re-create it into infinity.  It’s meant to be a certain time in your life, not the totality of a life.  That said, I am seriously considering beginning to look into graduate programs and/or adjunct teaching positions solely for the purpose of hanging out in the World of College.

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I have also been looking at a lot of other blogs through links on Twitter, and there are so many writing challenges I would like to be taking part in, ((A to Z Blogging Challenge, NaPoWriMo, etc.) so many great things to read, so many great things waiting to be written.  And possibly some mundane, average, mediocre things to be written, but I enjoy the process of creating too much to back down just because the result might not be amazingly deep or clever.  And I think the rest of the world does too- they are just becoming trained to do it in 140 character Tweets or Facebook status updates, except for the writers and bloggers who can’t contain themselves to such limited venues.  The urge to create and share seems to be an overwhelming human instinct.  Or the current social media landscape is speeding up the evolutionary process toward making it so.  Either way, I’m pretty sure self-expression has never been quite so widespread, varied, and popular.

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Poetry.  I mentioned NaPoWriMo, both above and in my previous post, and I would love, love, LOVE to be posting something new and awesome here that fits that definition, but…how do I say this?  The things inside me that want to come out in that form- I need to save them for myself right now.  They just don’t really fit the mold of ‘Made For Public Consumption.’  I’ve sort of created this blog to be easily accessible from my real world life, and unfortunately I haven’t really achieved my tagline of being my True Self in front of all those people.  I might feel the need to apologize.  Explain.  Defend.  Justify.  Rationalize.  Stuff I don’t really want to do, because we’re talking about my unique feelings and experiences, and I’m entitled to those, in all their gory glory or their desolate, blowing emptiness, or their rich, deep beauty.  They are mine, not my readers’ but when I put them out there for the world to see, they become my readers’ too, to interact with, share, relate to, or even disdain.  I guess I’m just not ready for that level of intimacy.  It’s risky.  But so is life, I guess.

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That may be my point- as anonymous as blogging, Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagramming, and all the rest ARE, they are also a form of intimacy, or they can be.  Letting someone into your head- your thoughts and feelings.  Or maybe that’s just blogging the way I do it.  I’m not sure that I’m not just wading in deep BS at this point.  It’s just that people are always trying to break off that intimacy.  You’ve seen it- we’ve all seen it.  A friend or follower decides they’ve had enough of the social media scene, dramatically exit whatever stage they’re on, Twitter, Facebook, or whatever it is, but like a co-dependent relationship, they always come back.  There’s just something about that connection with other people, creating, sharing, that keeps us reactivating those accounts.  It’s understandable and inevitable.

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ANYWAY…

Here’s a short snippet of the poem that’s forming itself in my head:

I was talking about you.

It meant YOU, damn it.

It referred to how it is for me,

seeing your name, your face, your words

and how it’s a fresh gut punch every time it happens.

How I hate the way I’d rather feel that punch

Than lose touch again.

How I know we’ll never be

what we might once have wanted to be,

but what we are is enough.

It is too much.  It is not enough. It is enough.

And I don’t know why, but it is what it is.

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Until next time,

D.

 

Poetry and Duets April 3, 2013

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD

POETRY SOCIETY POSTCARD (Photo credit: summonedbyfells)

Hello all.  Well, not 5 minutes ago, I discovered that April is National Poetry Writing Month, or NaPoWriMo.  In the spirit of creativity, I thought I might try to throw some poetry out there.  Most of my poetry usually stems from my darker, more despairing moments like divorces and deaths and terrorist attacks, (unless it happens to be during a time when I’m taking a class in which writing poetry is an assigned activity.)  But I’m willing to give it a shot on an ordinary day.  I do have to confess that I’m feeling…not super-happy right now.  It’s my own fault.  I listened to that d*** Thousand Years song from Twilight a couple of times and that never fails to depress me to no end.  I’m just feeling the urge to twist off a little, and that is never a good thing.  I just feel like I’m just aching to sing, and life is supposed to be a duet, so where the h*** is my partner?

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I was listening to another song a while ago, Paint Me a Birmingham, and thinking how I would love to perform that song as the harmony to a male duet partner.  Or any song, really.  I almost sung a duet with my cousin at his sister’s wedding but he backed out at the last minute because he was worried he didn’t know the words well enough.  Sometimes I just want to march into ANYplace that has karaoke and volunteer to sing with the next guy who wants to perform.  Anyway.  Just for the record, this particular post may not conclude with my own poetry, because it’s about 15 minutes before I leave work, The Boy is here, chomping at the bit to leave as soon as possible, and I don’t work well under pressure when it comes to poetry.  I mean, I could probably spit some out, but it might not be a masterpiece.

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Instead, I think I’ll just post the lyrics to that Thousand Years song.  I just can’t seem to get that song out of my head today:

A Thousand Years – Pt. 2 (Christina Perri)

The day we met
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I’d  found a home for my
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be  brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand  alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved  you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time  stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let  anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every  hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting  for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find  you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand  years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

I have  died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For  a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I  believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved  you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

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Well, maybe tomorrow I can come up with some poetry.

Until next time,

D.

 

 
The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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