The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

That’s Not a Euphemisim! August 20, 2010

Hello all!  I wanted to send my son’s teacher a note today:

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“Dear Teacher, We are late today because my son was hunting his lizard.  And that’s not a euphemism.  There is now a lizard loose in my living room.  And that’s not a euphemism either!”  *

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Yeah, The Boy was outside last night running around the neighborhood and he caught this tiiiiiiny little lizard, kinda like this guy:

View Image

which he immediately fell in love with and brought into the house, bound and determined to make it a good home (in a flap-top plastic box with a few tiny pebbles and some grass.  And some WalMart deli-sliced ham.  (In case Senor Tiny Lizard fancied a sandwich, I guess.) ) and they would have many good times and be lifelong friends forever. 

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But then this morning when he was supposed to be getting ready for school, Little Man took his new friend out of his box and was playing with it, pondering whether if you held it on the palm of your hand and then turned your hand sideways, would it stick.  And he made the mistake of setting him down (there was something about ants and crumbs in that story- I got lost there.)  And the next time he looked, “BAM, he was gone.  But I just feel that someday we will find him again.”  So said my 9-year old as we had to abandon the Great Lizard Caper and get in the car and go to school. 

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I hate to rain on his optimistic little parade, but I can almost guarantee we ain’t seein’ that lizard again in this lifetime.  Ok, 1) He’s REALLY tiny.  Like an inch long, tiny.  2) There is nothing for him to eat in here.  I don’t even know what a lizard that tiny would eat!  It’s not like there’s a little lizard buffet lying out in my front entryway with a sign saying ‘All You Can Eat, $5.95!  Lizards Welcome!’  and perhaps most particularly, 3) We have cats.  These cats are vicious carnivorous unmerciful critter-eaters.  They like crickets, wasps, grasshoppers, cockroaches, and the occasional rubber mouse.  It is too much to hope that they would suddenly become picky and discriminating when there’s a juicy little lizard involved. 

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In short, Senor Tiny Lizard has no hope.  One way or another, he is not long for this world.  Would that it were not so, but even if he managed to squeeze out from under the front door and escape to the outside world, he has nothing awaiting him on the other side except a porch full of ants who would love to eat him alive.   Either that or he will mysteriously survive unseen for years in our house and grow to be the size of a small alligator and take his revenge on Los Gatos by sucking their heads off in the middle of the night.  I know, pleasant thought, right? 

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Anyway.  Don’t ask my why I got all fixated on the word ‘euphemism’ today.  I just wondered what the teacher would say if I said we were late because my son was hunting his lizard.  Hee hee.  Ok, you can say it- I’m juvenile.  Besides which, it wasn’t even necessary to write a note, because we weren’t late anyway!  When we were backing out of the driveway, Daughter J. was being all self-congratulatory because we have gotten to school on time every day this week.  And dear Daughter S., bless her heart, said “It’s only the third day!” 

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Well it may be only the third day, but darn it, it’s Friday, and that’s always a reason to smile.  The kiddos made it through the first week, even though it was only a half week.  The girls were a little stressed about their homework assignment on the first day, which was a one page informal essay about “what you think it means to be an American.”  Well, there was much discussion about the subject and they finally finished their essays, but if I had known on Wednesday what I heard about on Thursday, (late in the game, I know, but whatev.) I could have told them they should write, “Being an American means being forced to sit by helplessly and seethe with rage as we watch while our misguided and clueless leaders who have no love or respect for this country despite their pretty lies and flowery speeches, honor and grovel to people who attacked and killed thousands of our citizens by building a place for them to worship right next to the scene of their atrocity, where some of them will undoubtedly thank their god for the victory.”   Right.  When is the next election again??

Until next time,

D.

Update:  Ok, I’ve done some thinking and reading about the above (so-called Ground Zero mosque, and I have some further remarks about it that I don’t have time to make now, but that will not be rooted in hatred, intolerance, bigotry or ignorance.  Stay tuned.)

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Shawn L. Bird

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