The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Regarding A Weight Loss Journey- Almost Epiphanies March 20, 2012

Hello all!  So today I realized something about the whole ‘struggling with Weight Watchers‘ thing.  Maybe I’m a little slow on the uptake and I should have realized this a while back.  But here it is.  I’ve been doing this for more than two years.  I have been going to meetings.  Every Tuesday.  For two years.  I haven’t skipped a weigh-in unless I was out of town.  In two years.  The first year, I had wild success.  Crazy wild.  Lost like 80 lbs.  Second year, mild success- lost about half that.  But for the last few months, I have basically just been maintaining my weight, gaining and losing within the same 5 lb. range.  And for much of the time I’ve been on this journey, but especially in the last several months, I notice that every time I weigh in, my day (and perhaps even the rest of my week) is shaped by what happens at the scale.  If I have a loss, everything is good and I am in control and life is fabulous.  If I have a gain, everything is horrible, I am out of control, can’t handle any part of my life, and my entire existence is just plain awful.  HELLO?!  What is wrong with this picture?

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Because I have been doing this for so long, (and because the success I have had at WW has been the main thing I have felt successful at in the last two years) I seem to have let my entire self-worth as a human being, my entire perception of what makes me good or bad, become wrapped up in what number pops up on the scale on Tuesday mornings!  Sure, I have enjoyed seeing the clothing sizes drop, enjoyed being given hand-me-downs from people I always think of as much smaller than me and being able to fit into them, enjoyed shopping for clothes, finding things off the rack, and looking darn good in them, enjoyed being able to accomplish certain physical feats like my 2 (count them – two!) 5k mud runs.  But for some reason I cannot fathom, I keep going back to judging myself by  weight loss or gain alone and using those numbers as medieval weapons like spikes and cudgels to beat myself to a pulp with!  Why?!

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I don’t really have an answer to that last question, but maybe

Human

Human (Photo credit: Gramicidin)

the discovery of that fact is a step toward ending the pattern.  I need to keep in mind all the different aspects of the things I have accomplished and resist the urge to reduce them to cold numbers that don’t really show the whole picture.  Just this moment, I realized also that I use my food choices as weapons to beat myself down with, too.  As in when I eat healthy foods, (or eat any food in an appropriate amount!) I’m acceptable as a human being, but when I eat unhealthy foods or over-partake of any food, I am a spineless slacker who has no control or self-discipline.  Is that true of me?  Of course not.  I have clearly demonstrated some amount of control during the last two years to have lost over one hundred and twenty pounds.  I have clearly demonstrated some measure of strength to get up at 5:00 a.m. for months on end and go to exercise classes, and to compete in two strenuous athletic competitions like the Dirty 30 and the Fitness Freak Race .  So what is it about food that presents such a big stinkin’ challenge?

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Unfortunately, I have no answer for that one either.  All I know is, I have to figure out how on God’s green earth, to LOVE myself, to appreciate and value and embrace myself, in all my flawed glory, no matter what I weigh.  And this too is true:  “We ain’t what we should be.  We ain’t what we gonna be.  But at least, we ain’t what we WAS!”

 

Until next time,

D.

 

Am I Shining Yet? May 26, 2010

Hello all.  Well, today’s the day.  I’m under instructions from The Golden Goddess to blog about how I’m feeling.  We talked yesterday about what exactly it is I expect from him, what I want him to acknowledge.  This was in the context of me wondering if I’d hear from him today with the express purpose of letting me know he hadn’t forgotten.  What could he say?  What would be the right sentiment?  ‘Happy Anniversary’ hardly applies. 

‘I’m sorry I came up with this hare-brained scheme and then tore our hearts out and turned our lives upside down, but I’ll always appreciate that you were willing to give me a chance and I’ll always love you no matter what, for  what little it’s worth.’ seems more appropriate.

GG told me I needed to make this day a celebration of me, a day to celebrate me continuing to be open to life and love, and continuing to believe that it is worth it, that it is out there waiting.  She said I have to let go of beating myself up for the choice to marry RMB, because the facts about us, the concepts I was basing the choice on- good friendship, being able to talk, knowing each other a long time, and of course the love- were all good foundations to base a relationship and a marriage on, but they blinded me to the negatives and the warning signs.

I’ve been listening to music all morning, and I’ve been hearing a variety of lyrics.  I posted a lyric from Tracy Chapman’s ‘Fast Car’ on my Fb status:  “You got a fast car.  Is it fast enough so we could fly away?  We gotta make a decision- leave tonight or live and die this way.”  I have always loved that song, because it captures how I’ve felt at times about both my marriages, how both felt- in some moments- like hopeless traps.  The song is all about decisions, and the desire to improve where you are in life, and I really relate to that. 

Before that I was listening to the soundtrack from Twilight, specifically the Rob Pattinson songs and the instrumentals, ‘Bella’s Lullaby’ and ‘Clare de Lune.’  Those songs are just moody, emotional songs that, for me, evoke passion and pain interwined together in an inevitible tangle.  They somehow speak to me that real love, while beautiful, is not without its rough, tangled, dramatic times, but that they only enhance the experience because you come out stronger and more beautiful for the journey you’ve taken.

Then I listened to a song by Anna Nalick, called ‘Shine’ which says in part, “I think you need to stop following misery’s lead- Shine away, shine away, shine away.  Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are? We’re all waiting on your supernova, ’cause that’s who you are, and you’ve only begun to shine.”  This song just makes me think of where I am now and how I’m seeking this quality of liking myself, liking who I am, feeling like I shine in my life.

And ironically, the song I paused so I could concentrate on writing about the first few was the ultimate ‘moving on’ song- Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive.’  We all know the words to that one:  “First I was afraid, I was petrified.  Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights thinkin’ how you did me wrong, and I grew strong.  I learned how to get along…I’ve got all my life to live.  I’ve got all my love to give.  I’ll survive.  I will survive.” 

Right now Barbra Streisand’s “Somewhere” from West Side Story is playing:

—————————————————
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There’s a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!

Somewhere.
We’ll find a new way of living,
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere . . .

There’s a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there.
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Somehow,
Some day,
Somewhere!
—————————————————————————————

So that’s it in a nutshell:  love can stink sometimes, but love yourself first, find your way to shine, wait for your time, and know you’ll survive, no matter what.

So here’s how I’m celebrating me today.  I made myself a good, healthy breakfast.  I’ve done what I love, which is to write, and do this blog, and now I’m going to go take a shower, wash my hair with my super-good-smelling shampoo, put on makeup (which I rarely do) and find a rockin’ outfit to wear today.  I’m going to go to work, I’m going to smile at every customer I help, and I’m going to know that I am beautiful and that if it’s in God’s plan for me to love again, I will.  And if not, hey,  life is temporary and Heaven will make up for any disappointments.  Love you all.  Shine on!

Until next time,

D.

 

3 Movies: What I Loved and Learned from Meryl, George, and Emily May 2, 2010

Hello all.   This weekend has been a pretty good one.  Because the other two are at Campfire camp, Daughter S. and I have been by ourselves since Friday after school.  Friday night we went out to eat at the local Italian place, Luigi’s, and rented movies.  The three movies we rented were all so different, and they made me think about a lot of different things that I wanted to share in this entry.

The first movie we watched was It’s Complicated, with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.   I really enjoyed this movie, because it was about a strong, independent woman taking chances and risks and doing what she needed to do to learn about herself and to discover how to be happy.  I could really relate.  I loved the parts where she was having dinner with her best friends and they could talk and share what they were doing in their lives, and be honest without fear of judgement.  I liked how the character of Jane took charge of her life and made the changes she wanted to make for herself and nobody else. 

The second movie we watched was called The Young Victoria.  It was a costume drama about Queen Victoria of England before and immediately after she first came to the throne.  Here again was a story of a strong, intelligent woman who could hold her own in a man’s world.  Emily Blunt played Victoria.  The movie had a lot of other great English actors in it, but that wasn’t the best part.  The part I liked best was how she made her own choices and stood by them, whether they were popular or not.  She knew that even if she made mistakes, they were her mistakes and she would own them.  I loved the passion between her and Prince Albert, how even though they were drawn together by outside forces, they were lucky enough to see each other for themselves and to fall in love on their own.  It also made me think about medicine and childbirth in that time period, because they had nine children!!  I’ve only had one child that wasn’t by c-section, and that was with an epidural.  I cannot imagine going through it nine times, with no pain relief, and no technology.  Even though she was the Queen and she probably had the absolute best care available at that time, I can’t imagine the strength she must have had!  And then the fact that amazed me was that their descendants have become the royal families of about 10 countries!  Just incredible.

The third movie I watched was Up In the Air starring George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, and Anna Kendrick.  This movie just depressed me and ticked me off.    It was about a clueless corporate guy who fires people for a living and gets his thrills from committment-free sex and the elite status of his ever-increasing air miles.  He was also a motivational speaker whose message was basically ‘Let go of everything and everybody in your life, keep yourself free of baggage, and you’ll be happy.  Yeah, you’ll die alone, but your life will have less crap in it.’  Then he gets all sentimental about this woman he’s been seeing and he tries to get more emotionally involved with her and the other people in his life, only to get kicked in the teeth by finding out she’s married and has a family.  Then he achieves his goal in life of racking up 10 MILLION air miles and it means absolutely nothing.  He can’t even remember why it was so important.

After this movie, I went to bed feeling. so. bad!  It was like nothing mattered.  I wanted to take my blog down, blow off the class reunion, tell all my friends to take a flying leap, never be a teacher again, give up on losing weight, and just throw in the towel on everything.  I don’t know exactly why I had this mood crash, but it was awful.  I just let it go and went to sleep, but this morning still woke up feeling blah. 

Today hasn’t at all gone the way I planned so far.  We’re missing church, partly because I waited too long to get up and get ready  because I was messing with blog stuff and messaging on Facebook, but also because Daughter S. had an allergy/sinus attack yesterday and today has a raging sore throat from the drainage.  I had planned to get up early and make it to Sunday School and enjoy going to church, just me and Daughter S., but I guess we can go tonight.

Anyway.  I think the only thing I can learn from this Movie Weekend experience is that I absolutely have to keep working on the things that matter.  I have to keep working on my weight loss, and keep up with my housecleaning, and keep working on trying to be a better parent, and especially keep believing in my writing and relationship dreams.  We all have baggage in life- we’re all going to have baggage.  But I can still be strong and independent, I can make my own choices and mistakes and own them and stand by them.  I can let go of the things that don’t matter, but not everything, because a life free of ties is no life at all.  It’s a drifting, pointless journey.  I don’t mind drifting, but I can’t handle pointless. 

Until next time,

D.

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

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