After the Class Reunion… September 20, 2010

Members of the Class of 1990, Lone Grove High School, Lone Grove Oklahoma

(Originally written Sunday, Sept. 19, 2010)

Hello all.  I woke up early this morning despite the lateness of when I went to sleep last night.  I’m just… thinking so much!  I don’t know if I can put everything I’m feeling and thinking about into words.  I thought about getting up and going to church, but I have to get this down on paper.

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Last night had a kind of surreal quality to me.  Like falling down a rabbit hole and going back in time.  But it’s better now than it was in high school because now there is a quality of love and friendship that had not had time to develop back then.  Maybe it sounds dorky or overdramatic, but I kind of fell in love last night.  I fell in love with us as a class and how close we still are, and how much we really do still mean to each other, how we can come together and have fun, so much fun, despite the years between visits.

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For me personally, this morning I somehow feel more ALIVE, more wide open to the world of possibility!  It’s hard to explain, but last night there were people there who had always represented limitations for me- restrictions against doing or saying certain things because we were raised in the same religion.  Seeing them doing the exact things I had always felt I shouldn’t do for fear of their opinions or judgements… hugely, surprisingly liberating!  Maybe they limited themselves because of others’ opinions too.  Maybe they were a little concerned about what I thought.  (Well, I doubt that, but still, the idea is intriguing.)

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Now the question remains, where do I go from here?  From the moment this year began, it was significant:  20 years removed from high school!  Are we having a reunion?  When is it?  Let’s PLAN!  I have put so much mental energy into this for so long and now it’s over.  But in between that, I have been working on this journey of self-discovery, trying to more fully develop who I am as a person:   I’ve been trying to improve my health and my body.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been trying to improve my parenting, trying to help my kids be happy and prepare them for their own adult lives.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been trying to define myself in a context of my religious and spiritual life, trying to identify just what it is I believe and then really live it.  I could continue to focus on that.  I’ve been searching for a direction in my career and my job, trying to discover what really, truly I was meant to do, something that fulfills me and makes me love working at it.  I could continue to focus on that.

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Or I could find something new to try- take a painting or cooking class, join a club, research and plan a trip somewhere, design and landscape my back yard, write the next Great American Novel.  The possibilities are just too endless!

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Last night for me was a revelation and a removing of some of the chains and shackles I have been carrying for a long, long time.  I can definitely say I’ve made progress, however insignificant it may seem.  For example, I wore sleeveless shirts both nights of this reunion.  In the past, I would have limited myself to something that covered my arms, but this time, I chose to wear something that made me feel beautiful. Amazingly simple, but a very big step for me.

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I can say only this:  choosing the next step is going to be fun!  Oh, and this:  CLASS OF 90 RULZ!!! 🙂

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Here is a new poem I wrote Saturday morning after the football game experience.  It’s how I’ve been feeling about this whole weekend.

Me reading my Class Reunion poem. Again!

Seeing Classmates After 20 Years

Staring in the mirror-

search deep in the reflection

in front of me.

Trying to understand myself,

wondering if I see what the others see.

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Am I beautiful or ugly?

Am I brave or courageous or strong?

Do I inspire?  Do I uplift?

Am I getting it all right or getting it wrong?

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Searching myself and questioning,

Where is this journey taking me?

Do others see the work I’m putting in

to get to a place where I’m not faking me?

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I look in the mirror again,

for the first time resist the urge to criticize.

I see beauty and strength and amazingness,

and self-approval shining in my eyes.

DB- 9-18-10 — 10:13 a.m.

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Until next time,

D.

Class Reunion Weekend! (and a poem) September 17, 2010

Hello all.  I was just re-reading the last few entries I’ve posted, and I realized I sounded kinda… intense.  Kinda wound up, you know, all angsty, extra-long sentences, stressing out about everything under the sun.  So I decided I needed to write an entry that was a little more mellow.  More contemplative, meditative, kinda chilled.  So right now I’m listening to a podcast by two doofy, redneck liberty enthusiasts, one of whom I go to church with, so it’s a real hoot to hear him talking about what he’s drinking, saying things like ‘sweet hot violent magical mama parts,’ talking about snorting blow off hookers’ butts, and cussing like a longshoreman.  Ok, that wasn’t what I planned to talk about.  My class reunion weekend has finally arrived, and that’s what I wanted to talk about in this relaxed, chilled, calm little post.

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So I’ve been out of school for 20 years this year.  I graduated in 1990, when things like Google, iTunes, the World Wide Web, and even cell phones and Starbucks had barely been heard of, and stamps cost $0.25!  My cousin and I were making some posterboard photo collages for the reunion and those pictures were so hilarious!  Talk about some big hair and crazy clothes!  But the shocker was how young we looked!  We looked like babies.  It’s amazing to think that my daughters are now only about 10 months younger than I was when I graduated.  Looking at them now, I remember how I felt at that age, how I thought I was so grown up and mature.  They don’t even look their age to me!  And I think about when I had my first boyfriend, and my parents were always driving us around and we were kissing in the back of the van, and maybe it’s just a lack of memory, but I don’t remember them acting like it bothered them that much!  If I were hauling my girls around these days and they had boyfriends, I think I’d make the boys ride up front with me and the girls in the back seat by themselves! 

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Anyway.  Class reunion.  I’ve been on the planning team for this thing from the beginning.  We’re meeting tonight at the Homecoming football game, sitting together to cheer on the old team, and seeing each others’ kids and all.  Tomorrow night, we’re having a classmate-and-guest-only, catered dinner and dance at the Elks’ Lodge.  (I know, I mentioned that before and it sounds so small-town, but that’s because I live in a small town! And proud of it!) 

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Anyway, the big news is, I took a chance and invited someone to go with me.  He is someone I met back in March and have been talking to and texting off and on since then, hung out with a couple of times.  I thought he’d make a fun reunion escort, and he agreed to go.  I’m really looking forward to spending the evening with my new friend and all my old friends, looking back and remembering, having a good time. 

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And now it’s time for me to post the poem I’ve been saving, the piece I wrote for our last reunion, the 10-year we had in 2000.  I hope it speaks to everyone.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…

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Class Reunion

Tonight we celebrate a time when our tomorrows outnumbered our yesterdays,

When dreams and hopes, plans and ambitions all lay ahead of us, ours for the taking.

We remember moments.  That big touchdown, that homecoming crown,

That final grade, that first big date, and all that they made us feel.

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Back then everything was bigger than life.

Every joy, every sorrow, every love, every hate, every thought and fear,

was the defining moment of our existence.

Remembered through the mist of passing time,

Very little seems to have been so crucial as we thought.

Disappointments we thought would crush us then, seem humorous and trivial now.

Happiness we thought could never be surpassed was only the beginning.

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Ten (20) years gone past, in some ways the blink of an eye.

In some ways they seem a lifetime.

Tonight we catch a glimpse of ourselves as were were then-

The brain, the jock, the homecoming queen, the lonely outcast and the center of attention.

Some were on top of the world, some foundering hopelessly lost.

Ever wonder which ones were which?

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Yet all of us have found our way to this time and place.

We’re smiling, we’re laughing, looking back, looking forward.

We know so much more than we did then.  And so much less than we thought.

We are so different, and so much the same.

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But whether we run a bank or a Burger King,

Balance payrolls or checkbooks,

Perform brain surgery or kiss babies’ skinned knees,

Chase hardened criminals or sticky-fingered toddlers,

Reach the medal podium or sweep the floors,

We all share a special past.  We hope for a happy future.

We steer our ships toward our own horizons.

And our tomorrows still outnumber our yesterdays. 

D.D.-    June, 2000

 

Until next time,

D.