The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

A New Creature February 1, 2013

Hello all.  You know what I love?  Helping people.  Encouraging people.  Always have, always will.  I’m a cheerleader at heart.  I’m guessing there have been plenty of occasions where I have failed spectacularly at encouraging the people around me at the moment they needed it most, but there is not much I love more than trying to pump people up and help them have faith in themselves.  I realize this proclamation comes totally at odds with my last few posts wherein it has probably seemed like I loved nothing more than making like a younger Maxine comic, grouching like an old bulldog about every topic that comes up.  And it is definitely true that I can be a Negative Nancy at times.  But overall I hope I am more of an encourager than a bring-er down-er.

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I got on Fb last night and saw where a few people from my town were posting about how they were embarrassed for our town and our state by the poor performance of a local girl who auditioned for a certain talent search reality show.  At first I was really angry.  (Which is usually the first indication that a severe case of ‘Open mouth, Insert foot’ is about to occur!)  I could just imagine how that girl would feel when she saw all those comments.  I thought about how disappointed she would already have been in the outcome and how that would be compounded and magnified by the lack of support she received from people in her own hometown.  I had not watched the show at this point, and I had trouble believing how self-centered and snarky people could be in witnessing this girl’s very public failure and then making it all about how it made them feel.  Then I watched the show, and saw that this girl was definitely not a gifted performer.  Or if she had any performing ability whatsoever, her nerves overshadowed them completely.  But not only that, she told the judges that God had told her to audition, which of course made her even more the object of ridicule.  I posted what I saw as a defense of this girl and an admonition against such hatefulness as I had seen displayed.  And then I got really angry, not just for this girl, but for all Christians.

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I mentioned in my last post that one of the things that makes me unhappy in my life right now is that I feel I should be doing more to share my beliefs, to stand up for what I believe in and try to help others believe it too.  I don’t know that I’ve ever really done that, as it applies to my religious beliefs.  I’ve shared my enthusiasm for TV shows and movies, songs, books, foods, even exercise programs, but I’ve rarely if ever said, “This is what I believe and here’s why.”  I’ve often copped out and said “Well, I don’t know what I believe.  I’m not sure.  I’m searching, I’m seeking, I’m questioning.”  And sometimes it’s because some of the things that are being preached to me are things that I struggle with accepting, myself, and so don’t feel comfortable trying to convince other people.  And very, VERY rarely, I have tiny, brief moments where I wonder, “What if it’s all just nonsense?”

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But then I decide that I believe God exists.  I believe Jesus existed and was who He claimed to be.  I believe we should worship.  I believe in a Judgement Day and eternity in Heaven or Hell.  But here’s where it gets so dicey for me.  I believe in baptism, immersion in water, for salvation.  I believe that there are some denominations and religions that are completely wrong and that you can’t be in them and be saved.  I believe that if you do what the Bible says, you will go to Heaven, but the trouble is that a lot of groups of people who are doing different things all believe that they ARE doing what the Bible says.  How can they all be doing something different and all be doing what the Bible says?   Jesus built one church.  If you’re not in that church, you’re lost.  That is what I see and hear every single day at my job.  Regarding specific issues, there are a few things that they would call “sinful” that I really struggle with believing are sin, such as using instrumental music in worship, or even listening to “praise and worship” music that uses instruments, clapping hands, etc.  Then there are other issues that I believe they are right about and I’m ok with what I’ve been taught:  the leadership structure of the church, roles of men and women, communion, adultery and fornication, homosexuality, and even, I’m sorry to say, divorce and remarriage.  As much as I’d like to argue the point, I’ve read enough Scripture now to be convinced that my second marriage was not scriptural because I did not divorce my first husband for the reason of unfaithfulness or sexual immorality, and that I am not eligible to remarry until both of my former spouses are dead, if ever.  (Obviously, I really struggle with this one, as well.  Not really thrilled about spending the rest of my life alone.  Some folks say life’s too short, but for me Eternity is too long.)  I will continue to study on these issues and search the Scriptures daily like the Bereans did, but for now, this is where I stand.

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And I’ve basically lost sight of where I was going with this, but I think that I admire people who have the guts to just state what they believe, whether it brings them ridicule or praise.  I admire people who have the courage to live by their beliefs.  It makes me sad that my adult life has been shaped by a theme of my wants and desires having overridden my beliefs and thus caused my actions, my decisions, my choices.  I’ve been supposed to be a Christian since I was in 7th grade, but I have never really lived like it.  I’ve never been strong enough to live like I knew I should, to publically condemn what I believe to be wrong, and to abstain from it, myself.  But I think I’m going to make it my goal this year and from now on, to walk the walk that matches my talk, no matter what it is.  If I believe that it’s wrong to use bad language, then I can’t only abstain from using it, I have to abstain from watching movies and TV that contains it.  If I believe that certain sexual relationships are wrong, then I can’t condone books, TV, or movies that contain them.  All I can say is I’m going to try.

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Until next time,

D.

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[EDIT:  Correction to the above.  I’ve changed my thoughts on the above topic and I now know that a)my first divorce was scriptural.  I know why I went ahead and divorced;  b)my second divorce was scriptural, but some people would dispute that.  Therefore, my conclusion is that I can, in fact, remarry, but I have decided that I will not choose to do so until after Hubby # 2 (hereafter referred to as Old Track Shoes because of how he left, made tracks, as it were, and refused to return) has kicked the bucket.  Not that I have to worry about it really, because I have absolutely zero prospects at the present time. :)]

 

Night and Day, and the Difference Between the Two November 17, 2011

Compact Disc

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Hello all!  Yes, I realize it’s been a dog’s age since I updated.  I apologize.  Really.  Things are so different now than they had been at the time of my last few posts.  Some things are better, some not so better, but right now I am on an upward spike in the old mood graph, so let’s just go with that, shall we?  The biggest, most awesome news  is that I escaped from my job!  Yes, Virginia, I actually broke free of the cult-like pull of a place I had been for 10 years and took a step in a new and different direction, and it’s not even teaching high school English!  The new job is kind of in a field all it’s own.  You could call it ministry, you could call it television/radio broadcasting, but basically I am the new secretary for an evangelistic tv program called The Gospel of Christ.  It is under the supervision of the elders at one of the churches of Christ here.  I have a wide range of duties, including your usual secretary stuff, answering phones, taking messages, but in addition to that, I package and ship all the CDs and DVDs that go out, I enter donations received and pay the bills and do payroll and taxes, I order supplies, I send the media to our tv and radio stations, I burn the discs from new master recordings, design and print the disc labels, send out supporter letters, etc.

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So yeah, it’s definitely a departure from the Trained Monkey world I was in before.  And best of all… no crazy co-worker who hates me!  I’m in a Christian environment, with people who are young and energetic and passionate about what they are doing.  I’m learning new things that challenge my brain, and I am literally working for God!  It’s pretty awesome.

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Despite its numerous advantages though, there are a few drawbacks, extremely minor in nature.  I’m now putting the same number of work hours per week into 5 days instead of 6, plus I am still at my old job on Saturdays through the end of the year.  That means I have to be at work earlier in the day, which has rather wrought havoc with my exercise schedule.  I have dropped out of TurboKick class for a month or two because I am trying to get caught up on bills while also saving money for the girls’ birthday and Christmas.  In addition to that, the pay raise looks great on paper, but only resulted in about a $50 per paycheck increase in my net pay.  Not what I was hoping for, but it will do for now.  (I expect that when things settle down around here after the transition, they will realize they can afford to give me a substantial raise.)  The major negative about this job is that it does involve a lot of sitting on my caboose, which was not something I got to do very often at my old job.  This in turn makes me worry about the likelihood that my caboose will notice an increase in mass and volume, translating to an increase in size, which will make me very unhappy.  More on that in a minute.  Another drawback is that certain relationships at my old work, long and generally amiable relationships, have, I fear, suffered irreparable damage by my leaving and the timing of it all.  Coming up on Christmas in the pack and ship business, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth to a boss you’ve worked for, for more than 10 years, to suddenly take a new job on only a week’s notice. (But in all fairness, it was a now or never kind of thing.)  Worse, I’m no longer as close as I was to the few people there I did like, and worst, I was left out of a raise that was given to everybody else the week after I stopped being there full time, even though I’m still working Saturdays through the rest of the year.  That hurt, let me tell ya. I still haven’t had a talk with the boss about that one, but will hopefully have a chance to do so while I’m there this Saturday.

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All in all, though, it has been a change for the better, I think.  I don’t know what to expect about how long I will be here or where this will take me, but I am hoping that eventually it might become a part-time job that I do in addition to being a Weight Watchers leader and writer.  I have continued to attend Weight Watchers meetings, even though I honestly feel I have been sort of “phoning it in” for a while now.  By that I mean I haven’t really, truly dedicated myself to staying on Plan, but have been eating almost whatever I want, not counting the points, and depending on the 4x a week Turbo classes to keep me out of trouble.  I realized with a significant degree of dismay that this was not going to work for me any longer when I dropped out of turbo and gained weight two weeks in a row!  (By the way, I know only two weeks ago I was all fired up about Simply Recommitting and getting back on track with WW, but unfortunately I had not been able to make it happen until this week.)

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In case anybody was wondering when I was going to get around to it, the title of this post is a figurative reference both to how much happier I am at this new job versus where I was before, and also the difference a little extra motion makes in my weight loss journey.  But I am actually trying to look at this short break from Turbo as a good time to get back to essentials on the WW plan.  I want to really re-familiarize myself with the PointsPlus values of foods so that the overall picture stays clear in my head.  That probably makes absolutely no sense to anybody.  But the title is also referring to the difference between yesterday and today for me, because yesterday was one of those days that I think we all have every now and then (I hope to goodness I’m not the only one!) where we just sort of hate ourselves and our lives and everything we own!  That sounds pretty extreme, but in all honesty, The Boy and his twins sisters have been driving me berserk lately with their constant bickering and fussing, their complete lack of motivation to be much help around the house, and their entitled attitude in general.   In addition to that, my car kept dying when I was taking the kids to school, I couldn’t find any decent clothes to wear, and I had lost my temper with The Boy before we even left the house.

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Today, on the other hand, I’ve been in a great mood, didn’t mind my clothes (or lack thereof), the car didn’t die, and I got the kids out of the house and taken to school without any major breakdowns!  Furthermore, today at work has been a lot of fun, what with the guys trying to re-build and decorate the studio set and a few other goofy mishaps, and I’ve stayed on plan with WW, so it’s just been a much better day than tomorrow.  And isn’t that always a blessing?!

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Until next time,

D.

 

 

 

 
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One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

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