The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Just Keep Swimming April 1, 2013

Filed under: Mood Swings,Sweatin' It Out! — DDKlingonGirl @ 4:35 pm
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Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States.

Medieval Fair in Norman, Oklahoma, United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  Feeling the urge to write today, but not really feeling what I want to say, so that tells me I’m just looking for an outlet.  A vent.  An escape hatch.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to do any of that today.  I wanted to write a post last week all about the marriage equality thing that was causing firestorms all over Facebook and elsewhere.  I wrote some notes on things that I wanted to say about it, but I can’t seem to find the right moment.  Sadly, I haven’t spoken my mind because I know how it will be received, and quite frankly, I’m just not up to the criticism.  That should give you a clue.

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My new presence on Twitter (@DDKlingonGirl) is taking off rather slowly.  I have “protected my Tweets” so that people have to send me a request to follow.  I did this because I didn’t want any fake profiles, spammers, or porn-promos following me, and I’ve already had to reject about 10 of them.  Also because I really didn’t plan to stay on there after The Blathering, unless I make some really good friends through the experience.

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Ok, maybe I do need to say one vent-y thing, and I know I’m not in a solo boat here:  I hate mood swings!  In the dictionary under ‘just want to cry’ it says see me.  Some things in life just keep turning up like a bad penny, and it seems like they show up for no other reason than just to jack with your mind.  My eating habits, my thoughts about church stuff, my plans for my son’s education, and a few other things come to mind.  I wish I had insurance, because I’m about 99% sure I need to be on meds for bipolar, at the very least.  (My regular long-time readers’ response:  “Ya THINK!?”)  Or maybe I am just a moody sort of person who needs an attitude adjustment from time to time?

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Anyway.  It’s all good, because as soon as I get off work (about 45 minutes from now) I plan to go to my mom’s work fitness center and do my C25k.  Just hit the treadmill until I can shake this off.  And also, I’m going to look forward to next weekend.  I’ve got a new experience planned!  I’m going to Medieval Faire up in Norman.  Partly because I love that stuff and I’ve always wanted to go to one, but primarily to check out one of the Irish bands that’s playing.   I used to talk to one of the band’s members on an online dating site, and I’ve never heard him play.  🙂  That sounds like stalking, doesn’t it?  Maybe I shouldn’t admit to that.  Oh well.

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Until next time,

D.

 

The Opposite of Yesterday March 20, 2013

Filed under: Lovin' Life,Mood Swings,Victories! — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race.

JOG fleet heading for the finish Solent race. (Photo credit: JOG offshore yacht racing)

Hello all.  Ok, I just re-read my last post, and y’all- I am such a whiner-baby!  Really.  I am so thankful for all my friends, family, and assorted others who endure repeat after repeat of posts like yesterday’s where I am always on the same darned hamster wheel, yet still continue to read me- it makes me feel so loved.  BUT… you know what?  Sometimes, just sometimes, getting it all out and venting a little can be a good thing.

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Specifically, I’m thinking of the exercise thing.  Yesterday was a workout day, and I wanted to get my C25k workout in, but I figured the high school track was still closed and I didn’t really want to do it around my neighborhood.  Ridiculous, I know.  Just bear with me.  So it was about half an hour before I had to leave work, and suddenly it occurred to me:  Why not do my workout… at work?  I work in a church building.  My actual office area is this huge wide-open space, tucked away from the rest of the building, just right for this sort of thing.  So I did it!   I started the app, set my phone down on the corner of a desk on the far side of the room, and took off!  My knees were still a little achy, and I definitely wasn’t setting any land speed records, but I did it!  And since I wasn’t carrying my phone with me, I wasn’t tempted to keep watching the time and feeling overwhelmed.  This was Week 3 Day 1, and I completed it perfectly!  I jogged both of the 3-minute segments and both of the 90-second segments, AND I did arm exercises as well during the walking parts!  And the 3-minute jogging segments that I was so worried about? They were not bad at all!  The workout seemed to go by really quickly, and I felt happy and satisfied with myself, and just… pretty fierce!

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AND… I also came up with the idea to set a timer on my phone to help me hit my WW ActiveLink baseline.  Every 45 minutes or so, I’ve been walking from my little corner in the building alllll the way up to the opposite front corner of the building and going up and down the stairs a couple of times.

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AND… I studied the Help and FAQ sections on Twitter so I kind of get more what it’s all about now, and I might feel a little less inept at actually using it.

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AND… the kids will be going to visit their father for a few days this week, so I will have some time available to cultivate friendships or relationships by maybe inviting someone out to do something.

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There, see?  Ranting, raving and venting can actually sometimes serve a purpose.  Once you’ve gotten all the aggravation and frustration out of the way, you can actually start to consider solutions.  Which is also the focus of this blog post I read today.  I wish I could write more like she does, but at least I can share it and point people in her direction.  Another goodie I found was this post.  I read the obituary she mentioned and thought, “What a great way to go!”

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Basically, I’m on the opposite end of the swing from where I was yesterday, which is always good.  Another thing I’ve been wanting to talk about is that I use the YouVersion app on my phone, and I found a new version/edition/whatever the right word is, of the Bible that I am really enjoying reading.  Now, I know that some of these “contemporary English” versions of the Bible are suspect at best and completely corrupt at worst, but this one seems pretty good so far.  I have been reading it every day this week, which I have needed to do for a long time but just haven’t done.  This version makes it really easy.  I decided I was going to start at the beginning and read the whole thing when I was flipping through and found the part where Jesus is being tempted by Satan, you know?  And in the older English versions he says “Get thee behind me, Satan” but in this one he says “Beat it, Satan!”  I just burst out laughing.  That has never before happened while reading the Bible, and I thought it was pretty great.  So anyway.  I will have to do some more research and see if this version has any serious flaws or problems, but for now, I highly recommend The Message if you use YouVersion.

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Well, I’m behind schedule on my ActiveLink hike, so I’ll shut it down here for now.  Thanks for reading!

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Until next time,

D.

P.S.  I was looking for images of crossing the finish line, breaking the tape, etc. for this post, and couldn’t find one I liked, but I just thought this sailboat picture was beautiful and happy.

 

The Cork Must Blow Sometime March 18, 2013

Charleston and Old Customs House

Charleston and Old Customs House (Photo credit: Smudge 9000)

Hello all.  I haven’t written a serious/thoughtful/really good post here in too long to think about, but I don’t have one today either.  I just feel like writing.  Today is one of those days.  You know, the kind of day where if I really let myself, I could absolutely wallow in bad mood, feeling completely unsuccessful at every aspect of my life.  If you’ll bear with me, the top ten things on my mind today are as follows:

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1.  I am not relationshippy.  I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to dinner parties or play bridge or any of that stuff.  This is an aspect of my life that I’m pretty unhappy with at the moment, but I don’t know where to look to change it.  I can’t think of anybody in particular (who’s near me) that I really want to hang out with, who has the time or energy or desire.  And the whole dating thing?  My future in the world of romantic relationships?! Forget it.  In the dictionary under hopeless it says see that.  I know, that’s not true, I might find someone eventually.  But given the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage religious issue, and how I can’t seem to lay that to rest, I will probably be much happier if I just give up on the whole idea.

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2.  Someone here at work left a huge jar of peanut butter in there on the counter, and I have been fighting its siren song all day.  When I am bored/cranky/hormonal/ or otherwise in the negative, mood-wise, all I want to do is eat.  And boy, can I eat.  I basically polished off an entire package of Oreo cookies all by myself yesterday.  That ought to have a fabulous effect on my Weight Watchers, lemme tell ya.

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3.  And on that subject, I am so ready to quit.  I can be good(ish) during the week, but weekends kill me no matter what I do, and I am just really tired of the fight.  I am tired of the waste of $$.  There are probably twenty-dozen different websites and iPhone apps with which I could do what I do with WW, except that they’re free.  Wouldn’t you know, I arrive at this mental place only two weeks after I shelled out forty bucks plus five dollars a month for WW ActiveLink, which I think SUCKS, btw.  You don’t start earning activity points until you’ve hit your baseline for the day, and when you actually do a concentrated, serious workout, like, oh, say C25k, you only earn one or two points for it!  When before, alternating walking and jogging for half an hour and calculating it yourself would have netted you like, 5 points at least.

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4.  Which by the way leads me to this:  I HATE EXERCISE!  No, I really hate it.  I have been trying to do the #$@% C25k and I was supposed to start Week 3 Day 1 yesterday, but instead I decided there was no way on this planet that I would be able to pull off jogging for three solid minutes, and I stuck with Week 2 for a little longer.  And even at that, it was torturous.  I walked for two of the six run cycles.  My freakin’ knees hurt.  I am angry.  I can’t lose weight and get healthier without exercising, and I can’t exercise when my major weight-bearing joints hurt so bad I wanna cry.   AND… I don’t have anyone to work out with, and I’m embarrassed to drag my jiggly, wiggly, huffing and puffing, slow-crawl jogging body through my neighborhood streets.  The high school football field track would have been a good place to work out, but it was closed for some sort of repairs.  So yesterday after church I did my workout, knees and neighborhood and all, but all I felt when I got done was anger, and that’s when I ate the Oreos.  Completely counterproductive, yes?  (I know, I should just give up on C25k and look into a membership at the YMCA or some other place that has a pool and do something that is non-weight-bearing, but ugh.  Wetness and changing clothes and showers and lockers and excuses, excuses.)

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5.  I colored my hair yesterday and I look like the love child of Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald, with a little bit of Weird Al thrown in for good measure.  I need a good haircut, that’s all there is to that.

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6.  I keep wanting to plan all my activities and adventures and tours for my trip to Charleston in October, but it’s still a little too far away.  I don’t know what the schedule is for the conference, what other people are going to be doing that I might could join in and be included in, etc.  I have been looking at walking tours, plantation tours, etc., and I want to do them all, but I know there’s only so much time I will have, and I don’t know which ones will be best.  I am hoping that as it draws closer, I will hear more from the other participants about what exactly their plans are and how much time to I need to plan to spend on my own versus hanging out with them.

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7.  Which leads me to The Twitter Issue.  Although there is a Facebook group that hasn’t been active really, since the end of the last event, the organizers of the Charleston trip communicate mainly through Twitter.  The problem is that so far I have not, up until today, had a Twitter account, because I. Don’t. Get. It.  Seriously.  I don’t understand Twitter, I don’t wanna understand Twitter, I think Twitter is a little bit stupid.  Or maybe Twitter just makes me feel stupid.  But I signed up today, hoping to be able to keep up-to-date with the other attendees of The Blathering and maybe get to know some of them enough to plan to share some tours or activities.  I didn’t really want to have any presence on Twitter other than as needed to participate in The Blathering, so I think what I might do is just delete my account there (are these things ever really gone?) and become the person who brings the Fb group back to life.

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Ok, I guess there will be no 8-10.  Fortunately, I think my Rant-juice just ran out.  I know, you’re thinking “Thank God!” I just needed to vent, you know?  Frustration, aggravation, pain, boredom, loneliness, anticipation, all those things just sort of got thrown into the blender and needed to decorate the kitchen walls, right?

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So as I am prone to do, I will soldier on, keep plowing, etc.  I just took a deep breath, and I will be finishing my day here at work, heading home to see what the kids have been up to all day, (they assure me they have been doing the things I asked them to do, housework help-wise) and trying to find something for supper that won’t exacerbate the damage I did to my Weight Watchers over the weekend.  Meeting is tomorrow, you see.  Not particularly looking forward to it.  Last week I had done the C25k workout three days of the week, as instructed; I thought I had done ok on my eating, and yet I gained like 4lbs. I decided my body hates me and there is no rhyme or reason to anything.  Thanks again for listening, Innernetz.  I don’t know what I’d do without ya. 🙂

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Until next time,
D.

 

The Domino Effect: A Little Pressure in the Opposite Direction January 4, 2013

English: Paris Exposition: moving sidewalk, Pa...

English: Paris Exposition: moving sidewalk, Paris, France, 1900. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  You know what I’ve noticed about my life lately?  It bears a strong resemblance to one of those moving sidewalks, you know, like they have in large airports, or someplace like that?  I’m not exerting any force or effort to go in any particular direction.  I’m just standing there, going wherever it happens to take me.  I. Don’t. Like. That!!  I feel like I’ve kind of always been that way, though.  When there are things I know I need to be making a choice about, taking an action, moving a direction, I just stand there kind of frozen in an attitude of indecision, until finally something else happens that takes the choice out of my hands and points me in its own direction, which was probably not the direction I would have gone if I’d just made myself move my feet.

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I don’t like that either!  I’ve decided it’s time to hop off the moving sidewalk and take my own walk in life.  Even if I end up exploring the boiler room or the janitor’s closet, or the No Access Control Room, at least I’m not just riding straight through the main thoroughfare like a zombie.  Here’s what I’m really talking about:  food.  Eating.  Weight loss.  Weight gain.  As much as I try to listen to people who tell me I am not defined by my size, my weight, my fitness level, whatever… my inner voice is just not buying it.  What else defines me?  My societal roles, i.e. mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc.?  Partly, I guess.  My beliefs?  They’re supposed to, but it’s hard to be defined by something you sometimes find yourself questioning.

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Anyway.  I don’t think my purpose is to get incredibly deep in this post.  My main point is to express to the world that I have been gaining weight like crazy through the holidays, and I am not happy about it.  My first thought when I look in the mirror in the morning is “Holy hell, I look like that Judy Blume character!!” (You know the one.  On the cover of Blubber.  Potato-shaped head.  Lank, stringy hair.  Dorky clothes.  Dumpy body.  Yeah.  That one.)  My underwear is getting tight.  Do you know what a mistake it is to have a garage sale in October and get rid of all your ‘fat underwear’ right before the holidays?  Well, I can tell you.  It’s Huge.  There was this one darling older lady at my Weight Watchers meetings.  She would literally say anything.  One day she shared one of her motivational strategies. It was to buy her underwear a size too small, because there is very little in this world more uncomfortable than too-tight underwear!!   Let me assure you.  She was not kidding.

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So basically, I have an immediate goal.  Rather than continue to eat as I have been the last few weeks, resisting nothing, refusing nothing, inhaling everything, I am starting today to exert a little pressure in the opposite direction.  (Another WW object lesson involving dominoes.  The game pieces, not the pizza franchise.)  I’ve tracked my food intake.  I bought healthy foods to keep at work for lunches.  I am going to start using that C25K app that I downloaded almost the minute I got my new phone a month ago, but haven’t used yet!  I’m going to try.  Just try.  That’s all.  If I don’t try, I am guaranteed to fail, and THAT… is unacceptable.

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Until next time,

D.

PS. I’ve also removed the life sucking electronics from my home because our constant web-surfing, Netflix-watching, slacker-ness was causing me serious stress.  The wireless router, the laptop, and the PS3- gone.  At least for now.  When we get control of the house and ourselves, perhaps they will return.  Here’s hoping I can survive the Daughters’ displeasure when they discover the changes I’ve made! (Lord, give me strength!)

 

 
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