The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Note to self: Grow, Darn You! Learn Something, Here! October 1, 2014

Hello, all.  It’s been a while, I know.  Life just gets away.  Computer problems at work, changes on the horizon there; keeping the Offspring in line, which is a full-time effort; continuing personal efforts with weight watchers, low carb eating, etc.  And today’s featured program, filed under the category, “Probably Should Have Figured This One Out Years Ago.”  Well, ok, there is likely a ton of stuff that falls under that category, but this one in particular is titled ‘How an adult deals with not being as good as she wants to be at something she wants to be good at, while someone close to her shines at it like the freaking Dog Star’, alternately titled “But Mommy, Why!?”

*

So I tried out for another theater show this weekend, the show I mentioned in the previous post.  There was no character I was desperate to play, but I thought if I were going to try to be in this show, there was one character I thought I had the best chance to get.  So I tried out, and for the second show in a row, was beat out for the role I wanted by… wait for it… my best friend.

Her breakout role... Madame Thenardier in Les Mis.

Her breakout role… Madame Thenardier in Les Mis.

 

*

I mean I really gave it my all this time.  I sang a character song that required me to attempt to have humor, and choreography, sort of, and to walk out on stage with a pillow under my shirt… it was just a complete step out for me.  Then too, I had to do a partner audition where I read part of the script with someone else, which was actually pretty funny.  The other actor and I had never even met before, and we were reading a part of the script where the characters are being very flirty and sexual.  So there we are, up on stage, pretending to play a kinky variation on the game of Twister, and he puts his hand on my rear end, and the whole audience of fellow auditioners was just ROLLING.  It was great.

 

Gooch

This was what I sang- It’s from the musical Mame.

 

*

The next night I had to sing part of a song from the show, something I had never really heard until I looked it up on YouTube the night before, and I did the best I’ve ever done, volume-wise.  I pushed it, I belted, I sang loud… my music teacher best friend said she was so proud of me.  We did a few other readings, and auditions were concluded.  I approached the director and tried to explain that I had been hoping for a particular role, but she had never asked me to read that part.  I said I had been trying to decide whether to even ask her to let me read it, and that I knew the character had to dance a sort of tango-like dance and I knew I wasn’t that great a dancer.  Then I told her about how in one show I was involved with, they had to do some creative editing to help cover the fact that an actress cast specifically as a big dance character actually was not a strong dancer.  I was TRYING to say I was sure I could learn it if she wanted to let me read the part.  Unfortunately I think what I communicated was, “I wanted this role, but I can’t dance, so you might as well not cast me.”  That really kills me, because when I first started talking, she did say she had considered me for the role.

*

Anyway, I have been rolling the situation around in my head, thinking about how there must be some sort of lessons I am meant to learn from all this.  As I mentioned earlier, I felt pretty discouraged with myself for the fact that this lesson is coming up at this late point in my life.  It feels like most people learn this sort of thing by high school or college at the latest, this lesson of how to deal with someone else (especially a best friend) being better than I at something I really want to be good at.  In high school my best friend and I were a lot alike.  We both were among “the smart ones” and our GPAs were always within a few tenths of each other.  She was on the academic team but I didn’t really care to be.  We both sang in the choir, but neither of us was just mind-blowingly better than the other, although she had had a lot more time in choir than I.  We were similar physically so no competition there.  I’ve always envied her sense of style and her ability to decorate and accessorize, but I’ve never envied it enough to make a priority to improve myself in that area.  Oh, and there was one guy in high school I liked who seemed to date, chase, or flirt with every single one of my friends except me, but that was a different type of thing.  Similar, but not the same.  (And that same situation has arisen in the theater as well.  The crush is pretty much resolved, but the feeling of, I don’t know, just sort of insult maybe, is still there.)

*

My two younger sisters had their own things they were good at, things that helped make them feel special.  Middle Sis is an athlete and Baby Sis was good at art and music.  She had taken lessons and had been in choir practically since she was a fetus, but I always thought each of us was good enough at singing in our own way.  I was somewhat envious of her opportunity to have taken lessons, but we weren’t competing in any way.

*

Since high school and college I have never had a friend or other person in my life who was better than I at something I REALLY wanted to be good at.  It’s just never come up until now.  Yesterday was pretty rough.  I was feeling pretty bad about things, wondering how I was going to handle this, what I was supposed to do to learn the lesson the Universe so obviously wanted me to learn.  What options did I have?  Just quit altogether?  Flip the time-turner and pretend I never heard of Ardmore Little Theater and take up stamp collecting or something?  Nope, I couldn’t handle that.  I love the place too much, and I enjoy most of the people, and it has really created an opportunity for self-growth and development.  (For proof, see current situation!)  Should I just be more choosy about the roles I try out for, waiting until something comes along that I just desperately want to play, prepare really well and just hope I get lucky?  Well, yeah, I could do that.  But it wouldn’t be completely satisfying.  I suffer from FOMO syndrome.  Fear of Missing Out.  I like to be there, I like being involved, I like feeling like I’m part of a team, a group.  So only setting foot in the theater once in a blue moon when they had a show I was strongly interested in just wouldn’t be enough.  My philosophy is if you’re going to be involved, be INVOLVED.

*

So what other options were there?  Decide I was just not good enough to be an ONstage presence and resign myself to only being involved behind the scenes?  Managing, tech crew, etc.?  Sure, I want to learn all that stuff- I still want to learn the lights and the sound board and the fly loft and all the things.  But never ever being onstage again?  Never singing for an audience?  Never conquering the nerves and the lack of confidence that keep me from really shining at auditions?  Nope.  Couldn’t handle that either.  I want to gain enough experience to see if I really love it.

*

Finally, what I came up with was this:  If this theater thing is for me, as The Golden Goddess (see Meet the Cast) told me yesterday, “not a hobby.  It’s a passion.” then I need to work on getting better.  I need to pick the brains of my friends at the theater and ask for feedback and critique and advice on how to get better.  I need to maybe take a few lessons and try to improve my technical singing skills.  I need to, as another dear friend told me, “make them see that you are impossible to overlook.”  Can I just say I love him for that? 🙂  So that is what I plan to do.  I’m going to talk to people.  I’m going to listen.  I’m going to observe and learn and soak up.  And then I’m going to get up there someday and land the roles I really, REALLY want.

*

Mask win Oscar

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chasing my own star!

Until next time,

D.

 

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