The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

When the Future You Try Not to Think About Starts Peeking Out At You From Wherever You Hide It June 13, 2013

Cover of "Things That Are"

Cover of Things That Are

Hello all.  I have wanted to update here for a couple of days, but am just now finding a moment.  Today is strange.  Have you ever had one of these days?   Today it feels like the Universe is just kind of pressing in on me from all sides, using everything from the things I see on Facebook to the songs that pop up on iTunes, to force in memories of the past, moments that make you happy and sad at the same time, things you loved that are now gone, and there’s no bringing them back?  Even something as silly as watching a clip of a beloved old actor who is gone now, and it just seems to stand in for all the things you miss?  Today is a day that feels like all the passion and love I have ever had for anybody in my past is trying to bubble out and remind me that they’re not here anymore.  I guess I am saying I’m hurting all of a sudden.

*

I know that probably sounds a little dramatic.  It’s just where I am right now.  The other day I spent a whole afternoon reading back through this blog almost from the beginning.  I was a little bit amazed at the progression.  I notice I haven’t talked about the kids recently as much as I used to, but their lives were rolling along pretty simply and normally for a while.  Things are basically fine now too, but I want to share some things that are on my mind.

*

Daughter J. has a boyfriend, sort of.  It’s this boy who liked her when they were little, and he moved away and then moved back and found her again.  They are both about 19, but developmentally they both operate on an intellectual and emotional level somewhere about 13 or 14 in a lot of ways.  This new development has re-awakened me to some issues I have thought of off and on over the years, but always managed to block out and avoid thinking about, but now they’re confronting me with a great deal more immediate and relevant presence.  I’m referring to issues of the future, vis. Daughter J’s being able to be married, have children, run a household… things most of us take for granted.   I haven’t really taken an opportunity to talk to her about these things, see where her thoughts are on these issues, find out what her hopes and dreams are.  It’s a hard conversation to have, but I know it’s looming.  I realize that relationship-wise, her future partner is not likely to be a Ph.D. or a C.E.O. but no matter what I want for her, I think the best thing for me to do is just pray and trust that she will find someone who strikes the right balance for her.  Someone who can accept and understand her limitations and still be smart enough to be able to somehow provide for her and be the right person for her to walk through life with, and I just fear this boy is not him.

*

And no, it’s not like they’ve been “dating” for very long.  I totally get that these thoughts may be wildly premature, but then again, they may not.  Her history and attachment to this kid goes all the way back to elementary school.  There may be some lost years, but since they’ve reconnected, the whole idea of where her life is heading has popped up in my face and I am forced to think about it.  It may not be this one, but someday The One will probably come along, and I have to accept that.  For both the girls.  (Although Daughter S. is convinced she is never going to have a boyfriend, never going to be loved, and is destined to become the Crazy Cat Lady in the scary house kids throw eggs at on Halloween.  I’m trying to persuade her she’s wrong, but it’s not coming along very well.)

*

The thing is, I KNOW that  Daughter J. is bright and capable, and she is perfectly competent to do a lot of things, but trying to visualize what kind of life she will have fills me with so much concern.  The reality is that if she marries this kid or someone very like him, they may always have to have someone who is responsible for looking after them, making sure they are getting things taken care of, etc.  They may or may not decide to have kids, and that may or may not be a good idea, genetics being what they are.

*

Basically I am just saying that the future is scary for me right now, and it’s not even my own.  This is how I am feeling and these are the things that are on my mind.  Personally, my own future is bright and wide open and I have all the potential in the world to do almost anything I want, as long as I have the courage to identify and claim it.  I guess I just have to stop worrying and start looking at J’s future in the exact same way, because it really is the same.  I have to prepare her for her life and then let her live it.  Why didn’t anyone ever tell me how hard that would be???

*

Until next time,

D.

 

 

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