The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

A New Creature February 1, 2013

Hello all.  You know what I love?  Helping people.  Encouraging people.  Always have, always will.  I’m a cheerleader at heart.  I’m guessing there have been plenty of occasions where I have failed spectacularly at encouraging the people around me at the moment they needed it most, but there is not much I love more than trying to pump people up and help them have faith in themselves.  I realize this proclamation comes totally at odds with my last few posts wherein it has probably seemed like I loved nothing more than making like a younger Maxine comic, grouching like an old bulldog about every topic that comes up.  And it is definitely true that I can be a Negative Nancy at times.  But overall I hope I am more of an encourager than a bring-er down-er.

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I got on Fb last night and saw where a few people from my town were posting about how they were embarrassed for our town and our state by the poor performance of a local girl who auditioned for a certain talent search reality show.  At first I was really angry.  (Which is usually the first indication that a severe case of ‘Open mouth, Insert foot’ is about to occur!)  I could just imagine how that girl would feel when she saw all those comments.  I thought about how disappointed she would already have been in the outcome and how that would be compounded and magnified by the lack of support she received from people in her own hometown.  I had not watched the show at this point, and I had trouble believing how self-centered and snarky people could be in witnessing this girl’s very public failure and then making it all about how it made them feel.  Then I watched the show, and saw that this girl was definitely not a gifted performer.  Or if she had any performing ability whatsoever, her nerves overshadowed them completely.  But not only that, she told the judges that God had told her to audition, which of course made her even more the object of ridicule.  I posted what I saw as a defense of this girl and an admonition against such hatefulness as I had seen displayed.  And then I got really angry, not just for this girl, but for all Christians.

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I mentioned in my last post that one of the things that makes me unhappy in my life right now is that I feel I should be doing more to share my beliefs, to stand up for what I believe in and try to help others believe it too.  I don’t know that I’ve ever really done that, as it applies to my religious beliefs.  I’ve shared my enthusiasm for TV shows and movies, songs, books, foods, even exercise programs, but I’ve rarely if ever said, “This is what I believe and here’s why.”  I’ve often copped out and said “Well, I don’t know what I believe.  I’m not sure.  I’m searching, I’m seeking, I’m questioning.”  And sometimes it’s because some of the things that are being preached to me are things that I struggle with accepting, myself, and so don’t feel comfortable trying to convince other people.  And very, VERY rarely, I have tiny, brief moments where I wonder, “What if it’s all just nonsense?”

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But then I decide that I believe God exists.  I believe Jesus existed and was who He claimed to be.  I believe we should worship.  I believe in a Judgement Day and eternity in Heaven or Hell.  But here’s where it gets so dicey for me.  I believe in baptism, immersion in water, for salvation.  I believe that there are some denominations and religions that are completely wrong and that you can’t be in them and be saved.  I believe that if you do what the Bible says, you will go to Heaven, but the trouble is that a lot of groups of people who are doing different things all believe that they ARE doing what the Bible says.  How can they all be doing something different and all be doing what the Bible says?   Jesus built one church.  If you’re not in that church, you’re lost.  That is what I see and hear every single day at my job.  Regarding specific issues, there are a few things that they would call “sinful” that I really struggle with believing are sin, such as using instrumental music in worship, or even listening to “praise and worship” music that uses instruments, clapping hands, etc.  Then there are other issues that I believe they are right about and I’m ok with what I’ve been taught:  the leadership structure of the church, roles of men and women, communion, adultery and fornication, homosexuality, and even, I’m sorry to say, divorce and remarriage.  As much as I’d like to argue the point, I’ve read enough Scripture now to be convinced that my second marriage was not scriptural because I did not divorce my first husband for the reason of unfaithfulness or sexual immorality, and that I am not eligible to remarry until both of my former spouses are dead, if ever.  (Obviously, I really struggle with this one, as well.  Not really thrilled about spending the rest of my life alone.  Some folks say life’s too short, but for me Eternity is too long.)  I will continue to study on these issues and search the Scriptures daily like the Bereans did, but for now, this is where I stand.

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And I’ve basically lost sight of where I was going with this, but I think that I admire people who have the guts to just state what they believe, whether it brings them ridicule or praise.  I admire people who have the courage to live by their beliefs.  It makes me sad that my adult life has been shaped by a theme of my wants and desires having overridden my beliefs and thus caused my actions, my decisions, my choices.  I’ve been supposed to be a Christian since I was in 7th grade, but I have never really lived like it.  I’ve never been strong enough to live like I knew I should, to publically condemn what I believe to be wrong, and to abstain from it, myself.  But I think I’m going to make it my goal this year and from now on, to walk the walk that matches my talk, no matter what it is.  If I believe that it’s wrong to use bad language, then I can’t only abstain from using it, I have to abstain from watching movies and TV that contains it.  If I believe that certain sexual relationships are wrong, then I can’t condone books, TV, or movies that contain them.  All I can say is I’m going to try.

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Until next time,

D.

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[EDIT:  Correction to the above.  I’ve changed my thoughts on the above topic and I now know that a)my first divorce was scriptural.  I know why I went ahead and divorced;  b)my second divorce was scriptural, but some people would dispute that.  Therefore, my conclusion is that I can, in fact, remarry, but I have decided that I will not choose to do so until after Hubby # 2 (hereafter referred to as Old Track Shoes because of how he left, made tracks, as it were, and refused to return) has kicked the bucket.  Not that I have to worry about it really, because I have absolutely zero prospects at the present time. :)]

 

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