The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Dear 2012 December 28, 2012

Through the Looking-Glass -- and the parallel ...

Through the Looking-Glass — and the parallel universe Alice found there (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello all.  The end of a year and the beginning of a new one is always a time for reflection and for looking forward.  (Thank you for allowing me to state the obvious.)  After two years of high levels of motivation, 2010 and 2011, in which I focused on Transformation and Motion/Action, 2012 was basically a year to just sort of endure, survive, and regroup- to just cling to the raft and ride the waves.  I didn’t have a clear goal for this year.  There were several big events I was anticipating, and they worked out very much as expected- they were good.  Unfortunately, there have been some pretty negative events this year as well, though fortunately the worst of them weren’t blindsiding, out of the blue catastrophes, thank you Jesus!  So I think I’ll just work through my thoughts and feelings in an open letter to the year itself.  To wit:

*

Dear 2012,

Well, you’re done.  Thank goodness, because you’ve really been all over the map.

In January, Daughter J. had major surgery, followed by a long recovery period and a lot of time out of school.  January was otherwise unremarkable, except that it meant we were finally in the same calendar year as our much-anticipated cruise vacation.  More on that later.

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We thought you were going to be a generally good year, but then February came- my dad’s mother died, an event which was not exactly unexpected, but which might have set the tone for the year ahead.  I know- it’s not your fault, it has to happen sometime.  You just happened to be the one.

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March and April were ok, I think.  Neither praise nor censure for those.  The girls had their Senior Prom in April, which they didn’t originally want to attend, but they finally became convinced they’d regret not going, and would probably enjoy it well enough if they went.  And it wasn’t some big Evening of a Lifetime, but they had a decent night- enough to make it worth the time and $$ spent on the dresses.

*

May was full of events- The Boy’s 11th birthday, my baby sister’s Bridal Shower.  These were memorable, but somewhat smaller compared with much-discussed events like Baccalaureate and Graduation.  I had gone on and on about how I’d cry and it would all be terribly tear-jerking and dramatic.  It wasn’t.  In an ironic twist, despite long-past divorce and separation and new spouses and new families, their father and I sat together at their graduation, like some weird, nostalgic parallel universe kind of thing.  But it felt nice.  Their graduation was all we could have hoped it would be.

*

Late May, early June was The Cruise.  The thing I had been planning and waiting for since February of the year before.  It was kind of your peak, I think, both graphically and emotionally.   Everything was built up to this trip.  But really, all of June was pretty full- we came back from the trip and there was The Weekend of My Sister’s Wedding.  Her wedding was beautiful, and I spent a nice, never-to-be-forgotten moment with an old friend.   June still wasn’t finished- we had a family reunion road trip to Colorado.  It also played out as expected.

*

July was different.  Things happened.  People I cared about struggled.  I tried to meet new people online, and that endeavor was by turns successful and extremely exasperating.

*

August was a low point.  Hit a couple of walls with a couple of friendships.  New efforts in Educating The Boy proved stressful- online public school, which didn’t last long, followed by Variations on a Theme of Homeschooling, which we still haven’t really ironed out yet.  Also, one daughter started college.

*

September was a milestone- I turned 40.  Sometimes I don’t feel like 40.  Sometimes I feel like 23, and sometimes I feel like 90.  I feel like 23 when I think of what I know and understand about The World- politics, economics, history…  I feel like 90 when I think of all the relationships and friendships and acquaintance-ships that I’ve been through, and they just never seem to turn out like they’re supposed to.  Or maybe they do turn out like they’re supposed to, but I’m having trouble being ok with that.

*

October.  Again, pretty uneventful, except as a workplace anniversary- one year at my new job.  I’m loved and appreciated and needed at this ministry.  It’s cushy, with regard to those annoying parts of working like being there on a rigid schedule, figuring out what to do with your kid while you work.  That kind of thing.  But for some reason, I still can’t feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.  Right now, from one perspective, “my life” doesn’t matter- I need to be working wherever I can support my family and also have options for Educating The Boy.  Whether I feel any deep personal fulfillment or not- kinda irrelevant.  If in the midst of all this career uncertainty I could feel that I’m doing the right thing for my son, it would be one thing, but I’m still not sure he’s getting what he needs, or even exactly what that is or where to find it.

*

November- Thanksgiving.  The girls’ 19th birthday.  Pretty good stuff.

*

December.  As if it weren’t going to be tough enough for my dad, he loses his younger sister in the same year he lost his mother.  Right before the holidays.  The holidays, too, were slightly different this year- new families’ schedules to be juggled, breaks with tradition.  Not bad, just different.

*

And through it all, the struggle with the Weight Watchers thing.  Working hard to “be good” up to the cruise, so as to fit into our Formal Night outfit.  Achieving our record low weight (this time) right about mid-June and falling off the Physical Cliff afterward, which was less a cliff and more a tilted-deck-of-the-Titanic incline.  Clinging by our claws to a little bit of self-control as the deck seems to tilt faster, playing with that morbid curiosity of just letting go and seeing how far we fall and what it feels like when we finally hit something.  Oh, and we quit exercising in June, too. We lost our motivation.  We don’t know why we’re speaking in plural at the moment.

*

And so, 2012, you’ve been a year of long-anticipated events, milestones, changes, and a few shining moments.  A year of losses.  A year of struggles.  You could have been better, but you could have been worse, so way to go there.  It feels like you were abnormal.  Different.  Out of the ordinary.  But I don’t think you were.  I think you were just another mile of the journey.  I think from you I learned not to set unrealistic expectations.  I learned that there is a time to every purpose under heaven, and sometimes that time isn’t when we want it to be.  I learned that the struggle doesn’t end until the journey does.  I’m going to let you go now, and focus on what I want from your successor.  Wish me luck.  It’s been real.

 

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Until next time,

D.

 

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