(Originally written last night- 10/11/11- 7:30 pm)
Hello all. Right now I feel like going on a crying jag without the alcohol. I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Everything in my world feels heartbreaking today. Or more accurately, I feel everything with a heartbreaking intensity. I received the proofs for my twin daughters’ senior pictures. I had to force myself not to cry. They are heartbreakingly beautiful. I need a new job and desperately want out of my current one. I feel like an animal caught in a trap there, like I’d gnaw my own arm off to escape. It’s not a bad job. I like what I do. I’m good at it. I like my boss. Except for the fact that I’ve been there nine years and the others have been there five, four, and three years, and we all make the same pay rate! And there is no employee discipline. And my previously mentioned (repeatedly) co-worker is still the most unpleasant part of my entire life at this point.
And finally (and this is going to sound weird) I am stunned at the beauty of the girls I exercise with. I see these women at 5:30 a.m. No makeup, sweaty faces, funky racer-back workout clothes with miniscule amounts of back fat hanging out of them, and I still think they’re all beautiful. Then they come in where I work, in their office clothes, hair done, makeup and all, and I am blown away again by the beauty of these women. I don’t just mean they’re pretty, which they are, but there’s this incredible inner beauty in them that just slaps you in the face whenever you are in their presence. My middle sister is one of them. She is the fittest person I know, and so heartbreakingly beautiful. (There’s that word again.) I just feel so honored to be a part of their group, so blessed to have found this place to work out, where they have accepted me, the chubbly duckling, and embraced and inspired me. They remind me, without words, why I am doing this.
I wrote the above at my mother’s house last night, using, as I often have, that physical act of putting words on paper to purge the emotions I was feeling. Between the photographic evidence of the relentless marching of time that has turned my precious baby girls into beautiful women, and my relatively new association with the amazing women I exercise with, and the conflict of desperately wanting to escape my job, while knowing that a) I am very much needed there, and b) starting over after a long involvement in anything is really difficult and scary and pretty much sucks, I was emotionally overwhelmed.
But as part of that re-committing I was talking about previously, I am definitely moving on from those feelings today, trying to see as much in myself as I see in others, and maybe working on defining some goals and dreams that will take me out of my current job situation and on to greater things.
Until next time,