The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Life is Weird. But… May 9, 2011

Wildflowers of Michigan: Viola (wild violets):...

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Hello all.  You know what?  Life is just weird.  I don’t really have a direction for this entry, by the way.  I’m just sort of talking out of my head for a bit.  There’s so much on my mind, and as usual, I’m hoping I can find a way to articulate it all, effectively. 

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One thing I wanted to write about a few days ago was on the topic of marriage, or more appropriately, divorce.  This was on my mind because on May 3rd, I secured my “man-made piece of paper” (divorce decree) that superceded the previous “man-made piece of paper” (marriage license) and now I’m legally single again.  I don’t know what I wanted to say about that, exactly.  I’ve retyped this sentence almost 10 times and I still can’t figure out what to say.  I’m divorced.  AGAIN.  I was taught in my church that because I didn’t divorce for the reason of adultery, that I can never remarry again without being guilty of adultery myself for as long as I am in that marriage.  I really struggle with that, and not just because it would mean spending the next 50 years alone.  I struggle with whether anything I’ve been taught is really what God says or whether it’s largely a human being’s faulty, flawed, skewed, biased, HUMAN interpretation of God’s will.  I struggle with whether it’s possible for any human to really know what God’s will is, and how you can know if what you think God’s will is, is right! 

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It’s not like it matters.  I don’t have any prospects at the moment.  I don’t have even have any prospects of having prospects!  I am singularly single and thoroughly unattached.  My most recent former husband and I are still good friends and we’re still close enough that we could go out on a date every so often if we wanted to.  (I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone reading this, but it’s way too complicated to explain.  I’m not even sure I understand it.  We didn’t divorce because we didn’t love each other, and that’s all I can really say about that.) 

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Anyway.  There’s more on my mind than just my newly minted single status.  My grandmother has been very ill for the last week, and is scheduled for surgery the day after tomorrow.  She may not make it through the surgery.  I wanted to send her a card, to tell her that despite her fears, I believe that she CAN survive the surgery and regain her health, that she has been through a lot of stuff in her life and survived, because she’s a strong woman.  I know this, because *I*am a strong woman, and a strong woman can’t come from a line of wimps!  But I didn’t get the card to my parents, who are on their way to be with her during her surgery.  I told my mom on the phone tonight what I wanted to say to my Grandma, and hopefully it will sink in a little. 

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You know, I was so scared that Grandma being sick and having surgery and possibly not making it would derail our Disney trip plans.  We’re supposed to leave May 27th, and I was very afraid we’d have to reschedule and I felt soooo guilty about that.  But I know that it’s normal to not want something that has been so long anticipated to be postponed, and that it doesn’t mean I don’t love my grandma, or that I don’t care if my dad loses his mother.  Of course not.  But now I’m choosing to believe that Grandma will make it through the surgery and be recovering nicely when we get on a plane to Florida.

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On top of all that, I’m also just kinda marveling a little, both at myself and at how strange life is becoming.  I have mentioned previously (I know, a lot) that I’ve been exercising.  Today I finally tried the last class, the one that intimidated me the most, Hip Hop Hustle.  It was fun, and not even as hard as I thought it was going to be.  (I still can’t really do those steps and moves right, but I’m trying!)  The crazy part is that today…  I went to both TurboKick AND Hip Hop Hustle!  I just can’t believe it’s me doing all this!  Me, the person who used to say it was crazy and nuts and insane to work out more than once in a day, or indeed, to get up at 5:00a.m. for the sole purpose of exercising!  The person whose favorite thing to do in the whole wiiiiide world is to lie in a horizontal position and read a book!  The person who has always hated physical exertion “like, worse than liver!”  Yet, here I am.  See, the thing is, I talked about motion, about action, and movement and so on, but I don’t think I really saw this one coming, this “me as a regular exerciser” thing.  I don’t think I reeeeally thought I’d ever become an active person.  But I’m enjoying it. A lot! 

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That’s what I mean when I say life is weird.  Not just once, but two times now, I’ve divorced someone I loved, who still pretty much loved me, but who it just wasn’t a good idea to stay married to anymore.  I’ve always hated exercise, thought of myself as a complete NON-ATHLETE, and I’m working out 5X a week and planning to take part in a 5k with mud and obstacle course!  What. The. Heck!?  And more than that, I’m starting to realize that although there were things I loved about teaching, I don’t want to be a classroom teacher in a K12 public school!  There is an opening right here in my local school and although part of me still feels the urge to apply, I am acutely aware now, that I don’t love trying to make teenagers behave.  I don’t love having to teach to a test.  I don’t love being held responsible for the learning (or failure at learning) of kids who may or may not be having their most basic life needs met outside of school, like a place to live, food to eat, and love and nurture!  But I loved trying to nurture the kids.  I loved trying to show them how much I cared and wanted them to learn, and wanted the best for them.  I just wasn’t good at keeping them under control so as to facilitate that learning process!

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I actually have a possible career change coming, and I’m not going to go into detail about it until I know for sure, but I’m really excited and hopeful about it, because it seems like a very good fit for me with regard to who I am as an educator.  I’m praying it is where God wants me to be and as such, that it works out positively.  Stay tuned for more on that.

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All in all, I am in a very non-angst-y place at the moment.  I’m happy.  I’m active.  I’m full of faith that my Grandma is going to be fine, and that we will get to take our long-awaited trip, and that I am about to find where I belong in the career field I trained for, which is sooooo happiness-inducing!  In short… dudes, Life. Is. Sweet!

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Until next time,

D.

 

2 Responses to “Life is Weird. But…”

  1. Traci King Says:

    You’re so Awesome DeeAnne, and a total inspiration. I do believe, as I’ve said before that you and I probably have some of the same views on religion and church……we really should discuss those sometime. I just love reading your blog, it always seems that you are able to put into words, what I could never explain, and you also crack me up at times. Keep up the writing. I’m still debating about the 5:45 turbo class, who knows you may help turn me into one of those crazy “exercising” people too!

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      hahahahaha! Thanks Traci! The more, the merrier! It helped me soooo much that you and Tara were there last night.

      Any time you want to go get a coke and discuss anything, just give me a holla! I know I’m probably never going to get it all figured out, but I guess all we can do is keep seeking!

      See you in tuuuuurbo-ooooo ! Hahahahaha!


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