The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

In Which I Try… Really, Really Hard. March 1, 2011

Chicago style hot dog

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Hello all.  You know, all in all… I think perhaps my body hates me.  In my last post, I was on cloud nine because I’d cleared a big hurdle and gone to an exercise class at 5:45 in the morning, and I was all, “Yay me!  I’m changing!  I’m gonna start exercising!  Woo hoo!’  So I actually did go walking another two times that week, as well as a half-hearted attempt at Hip Hop Hustle and PiYo.  AND in addition to that, I had tracked all my food on Weight Watchers for an entire week, the first time I had done so in, oh, about 3 months.  And after all that, how does my body repay me?  By showing a 1.2 GAIN at the meeting today!  I was so stinkin’ mad!  How can this be fair, right?  But even at that, I tried to keep on track.  I went to the vegetarian/health food store in town for lunch and had a wonderful salad and some really good soup, and drank a lot of water the rest of the day, and felt pretty ok about myself.

*

So then we come to tonight.  After being in what might be called a serious bad mood all day, I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and ended up buying a weird collection of various foods that may or may not have gone well together.  I was having much too hard a time trying to decide what sounded good.  In truth, nothing did, but I was also trying to find something for the kids.  For them, I ended up with a cheap, pre-made, “family size” lasagna from the freezer section.  For myself, I wasn’t sure what I’d end up actually eating this evening, but one of the contenders was some turkey hot dogs and wheat hot dog buns. 

*

So I got home, got all the food carried in, and sat down for a few minutes.  By the time I had gathered the energy to get up and go fix the kids their “wonderful, homemade, prepared-with-love” lasagna, Daughter S. and The Boy had raided the hot dogs and started microwaving!  So I went and “put my name in the pot” and fixed my hot dogs with saurkraut and… believe it or not,  leftover spaghetti sauce!  I do not know WHY I thought spaghetti sauce was a good ‘hot dog topping’ but either way, I had three of the weird concoctions!  Despite the oddness, it was sustenance, which was good enough.  Afterwards, I felt the desperate urge for something sweet, preferably something chocolate, but so far I’ve managed to avoid eating anything like that, primarily because there’s none in the house! 

*

So anyway.  I still wish I knew why in the world I am one of those people for whom food serves other purposes than fuel!  Why is it that when I’m bored, sad, tired, angry, disappointed, annoyed, or any other emotion you could name, I just want to eat?  Why do I feed my mind and not simply my stomach?  Talk about annoying!   In all fairness to myself, I was truly hungry tonight as well.  It’s not as if I had just had a huge steak dinner and THEN made a bunch of weird hot dogs when I had some emotional upset.  And at least, if nothing else, I can say there was some health value to tonight’s Supper of Strangeness.  The hot dogs were turkey, the buns were wheat, and there was no added fat on them, like mayo.  There’s something to be said for that.

*

But anyway.  Hopefully, I can pull it together and continue doing the good things I did this past week, and next week, the scale will reward me with a really good loss.  I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t.  But maybe I’d better not think of that.  I need to just focus on the upcoming Disney trip and what feels like dozens of doctor appointments for me and the kids in the next few weeks, and try not to let my emotions dictate what I eat.   

*

Oh- another reason I was in a bad mood is that I found out today they hired someone at the place I applied for a job the other day.  I thought, “Nice.  Way to let somebody know.  Thanks a bunch, people!”  Oh well.  Another day. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

3 Responses to “In Which I Try… Really, Really Hard.”

  1. Traci King Says:

    I never really realized how much we really are alike. I am exactly the same, I eat cause it’s there! I tell myself over and over that I’m gonna exercise, and then I can’t make myself get out of bed, or am too tired after work to do anything but relax on the couch. I think it’s great you’ve been able to lose the weight you have and even attempt to go to one of the “turbo” classes! WOW! I’ve thought about it, but never really seriously enough to step foot in that place 🙂 Anyway, you’re doing a good job, wish I had the solution to emotional eating, so if you figure that out, let me know! Oh, by the way, I just love reading your blog, you seem to always say the things that I think and never have the guts to say out loud! Keep up the good work!

    • LenaDeeAnne Says:

      Thanks, Traci! I don’t know if I’ll ever get the answer to the emotional eating thing. I don’t know that there’s a total solution, except we need to understand the reasons we’re eating and the need we’re trying to fill, and work from those parameters and work the problem, rather than just mindlessly eating and never knowing why.

      I’m still working on trying to find an exercise activity that I love enough to do it daily. I know that’s the only way I’ll get to where I want to be.

      Thanks again so much for reading and commenting!

  2. […] In Which I Try… Really, Really Hard. […]


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