The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

Tested By Fire: (Part 1 of ?) January 24, 2011

Filed under: Tested By Fire — DDKlingonGirl @ 11:37 am
Tags: , , ,

Hello all.  I haven’t really ever explained here the story behind a certain sentence in my ‘About’ section that reads, “After a series of personal and professional blows in 2009…”.  I have decided I’m ready to tell part of that story, because today I have at last started on the final stage of the recovery.  I’m going to tell this story somewhat backwards, I think, because I don’t want to lose what’s in my head right now waiting to come out, by going back to the beginning and telling it from there.

*

So today I went to the E-Z Mini Storage after I took the kids to school.  That stuff has been sitting there for almost 2 years now.  I can’t really believe that it’s been that long, but it has.  RMB and I have made a pact that we are going to get that shed emptied by the end of this month, and obviously there is only about a week left of this month, so it’s time to get down to serious business.  I had wanted to clean and sort things as we removed them from the shed, in preparation for either returning them to their previous use in my home or including them in The Great Garage Sale.  We haven’t dedicated as much time to this endeavor as I had hoped, so today I decided that I would just bring it all back over here and store it in the garage with the rest, so that I can clean and sort at my leisure. 

*

Opening the shed is something akin to opening a time capsule or Al Capone’s vault, or unearthing a new layer of the remains of Pompeii or something.  I see things I haven’t seen in almost two years.  I see things that were relatively unscathed by smoke or water damage, things that were heavily smoked, and even a few things that were actually touched by fire.  Today the most significant thing I saw that fits in that last category was our wedding album.  On the top layer of stuff, in a small blue laundry basket, in pieces.  The pictures on top were from the honeymoon, pictures of the penthouse condo we were only able to experience because of my mother and her generous arranging of an upgrade to her timeshare.  The room had a hot tub in it.  We were not expecting a room like that, but it made the time so memorable.

Symbolic and sad

*

Back to the storage shed.  I brought one carload back to my house.  Included among other things were a box of figure skating video tapes, an Igloo cooler, a barely-used set of hot rollers, a box of kitchen tools, boxes of framed pictures, books and journals, and a bag of completely forgotten, but welcome, skinnier clothes!  When I got it all stored in the garage, I started picking through the bag of clothes first, looking for things I could wear now.  I sorted the clothes and started a load of them in the washer.  Then I looked through the journals and the pictures.  Nobody would believe how many journals I have!  Year after year, page after page, the parts I didn’t want anyone to read written in Gregg Shorthand that I learned from Mrs. Moxley in high school.  I didn’t clean them, but I decided what was to go or stay.  I started boxes of garage sale toys and miscellaneous, and I let go of some of the kids’ books and memory books from school that were too smoked up to be saved.  

*

Finally, after mostly emptying a box of kitchen things, I decided I’d found a stopping place.  I carried the smoked up spatulas, whisks, can openers, corkscrews and knives into the kitchen.  I ran a sink full of water and washed the breakfast dishes from today first, then the stuff from the past.  This cleanup is so overwhelming.  It’s huge.  It’s devastating, even two years later.  But I keep telling myself I CAN tackle this.  I NEED to tackle this.  It’s been too long already.  I can do ALL things through Christ.  One step, one box, one hour at a time.  Sure, it would go faster if I had an army of help, but it’s my responsibility.  And again, I think I need to do this, to sort through every smoke-stained box, every warped, heat-damaged item.  To examine what they meant to me, to let them flood me with memories, both good and bad, and then to either clean them up and embrace them again or let them go.  Both the items and the memories. 

*

My plan is to continue this work over the next two months.  I have a week to bring home the rest of the stuff from the storage shed, and then I’m giving myself until the end of March to completely sort through the garage and get ready for the sale.  And when the sale is over, whatever is left will be loaded up right then and there and taken to a donation center.  And I will finally be free of the aftermath of the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. 

*

Until next time,

D.

 

2 Responses to “Tested By Fire: (Part 1 of ?)”

  1. Scott Says:

    You have a lot of willpower and strength. And I do admire your faith. It is something I used to have, but have lost for whatever reason. But you made me laugh when you talked about taking your things home to try and clean them. Whenever I have something that I need to do, but am reluctant.. I will always remember you talking about your “smoked up spatulas” LOLOL!

    I know most everyone has went through some very trying times at one point or another. But, it seems you are pulling trough and trudging ahead with your head held high. No one could do any better.

    Bless you Deanne, I wish you all the best.

  2. LenaDeeAnne Says:

    As always, old friend, first of all, thank you for reading! But more than that, please don’t ever consider faith lost as a permanent thing. As hard as it is, you CAN go back to leaning on God, trusting in God to take care of your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t work like a dog to make your life what you want it, but it also means you trust God with the final outcome. I’ve struggled with that a lot lately, but I’m making a conscious effort to get back to that place.

    Night before last, I found an old book by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, called The Power of Positive Thinking, and I’ve read about halfway through it. It has already helped me redirect my negative thoughts and begin to reframe them into positive ones, and last night, when I fell exhausted into bed, I picked up my Bible for the first time in AGES!

    I don’t mean to preach, but there’s nothing sadder than a once-strong faith, beaten down by the devil and turned into hopelessness. You CAN get back to being strong in the faith, I know you can!

    Thanks again so much for reading and commenting. Blessings on you and yours!


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