The Therapy Journals of the Fat-Headed Klingon Woman

One woman's journey to becoming Her True Self

On the First Day of a New Year: Thoughts, Hopes, and Prayers (Part 1) January 1, 2011

Filed under: Dreams and Passions,In Memoriam,Looking Forward,Steps in the Journey — DDKlingonGirl @ 2:27 pm

Hello all.  Happy New Year!  First of all, I want to wish my friends, family, and assorted others the best, happiest, most successful of new years!  I have so much to say today, and I don’t know if I can adequately express it.  My heart is full, as I’m not sure it has ever been before.

*

Last night I had a plan.  This may shock some people, not because it’s such a rare thing for anybody to do, but because it’s a rare thing for ME to do!  Frankly, I was going to party it up.  I was kid-free, parent-free, working-the-next-day-free, and I had absolutely every intention of getting thoroughly intoxicated.  I had thought about it, looked forward to it, and planned for it.  Fate had other ideas.  My parents were out of town and I was taking care of their pets.  I checked their voice mail early in the week, and found a message from an old friend who, unable to find my number in the phone book, called my parents’ house because they’ve had the same number since God was a boy. 

*

So I called her and we started trying to make plans to get together while she was in town.  I asked about her New Year’s Eve plans, and she mentioned that she would just be sitting around her mother’s house with her family, playing games, snacking, and waiting for midnight.  She invited me to join them, letting me know that if it was my desire to have too many beverages, I was perfectly willing to do it there where I would be within reach of people who loved me and no car keys.  

*

I went.  Stubborn mule that I am, I had gone to the beverage store and purchased my intoxicant of choice, as well as what I wanted to mix with it.  I wasn’t sure if I would be using it, because I also wanted to go spend part of the evening somewhere crowded, loud, and smoky, (the bar where my cousin is a bouncer) and I wasn’t sure if I’d have the necessary assertiveness to leave when I wanted to.   My friend was so happy that I was there, I felt like a schmuck saying  in effect, “Ok, well, it’s been fun, thanks for the Chex mix and Farkle, I know we haven’t seen each other in three years, but I’m going to the bar now.  Happy New Year!” 

*

So I didn’t.  I stayed all evening, seeing in the new year with my friend, her partner, her three kids, and her mom.  My other cousin who went to school with us came over after she got off work  as well.  It was a good visit.  All I had to drink was a couple of sips of champagne at midnight, and that was it.   My cousin and I both left a little before 2:00, and both of us headed straight home. 

*

I woke up this morning in a strangely energetic mood.  I got up and fixed myself breakfast, trying to get back on track with Weight Watchers.  Then I put on some praise and worship music and started cleaning house- doing dishes, straightening, vacuuming.  I even took down the Christmas tree and put away all the Christmas stuff.  While I was doing all that, I was trying to take advantage of the time to think, to reflect on the past year and the year ahead. 

*

This past year has been one of big victories:  I’ve lost weight, improved habits, gotten The Boy on a good path, and survived my 20 year class reunion!  The next year has the potential to be even better.  I have so many hopes and dreams for myself and my kids, I don’t know if I can even articulate them. 

*

My daughters are starting the second half of their junior year of high school on Tuesday.  There is so little time left to me to teach them what they need to know to be successful adults.  They are somewhat prepared, but I want them to be thoroughly prepared.  I want them to be ready to attack any challenge and plow through it.  I want them to be ready to stretch and reach and chase what they want, and be confident that they can do anything they dream, but also be unafraid to fail, because it is in failure that we learn many of our most important lessons.  I want to be able to let them go when it is time, and not try to coddle them and protect them and make everything easier for them.   Part of the reason this is so difficult and scary is that when I let them go out on their own, I am just that much closer to the next phase of my own life, when I have to decide who I truly am, independent of being a full time mother of three children!  Even after 38 years, I still haven’t figured that one out yet!

*

Despite the overall positive feel of  2010, the year has included a few failures as well.  I have not managed to find the strength to legally end my marriage, although it was over almost two years ago.  I have let fear and doubt get in my way:  fear that it will hurt too much, doubt about the religious implications of it.  That and greed- I just didn’t want to spend the money!   I have also failed to seek out the answers to all these questions, either through discussion with a trusted spiritual advisor or through prayer and study on my own.  I’ve talked about it with a non-religious counselor, and I’ve tried to pray, but I haven’t noticed myself coming to any strong conclusions, so I’m thinking I must be doing it wrong or something. 

*

In all, this year has had its ups and downs, but it has been very good.  I am working through it in my head, and in my next post I will try to share some of my goals and plans for 2011. 

Until next time,

D.

 

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